[Contributor 02] - Infiltrator (2013) (8 page)

“I’ll walk you out,” Raj said.

Neither Mal nor Tasha protested, and Dara could sense an unspoken exchange between the three of them. It didn’t surprise her, given the perilousness of what they did, but she wasn’t comfortable with it either. Raj seemed like her friend and had done a lot for her family, but hadn’t her apprenticeship taught her that the appearance of camaraderie could be deceiving?

“Thanks.”

He waited until they were well away from the room, a steel door separating them from Mal and Tasha, before he spoke. “It’s a lot to take in, and I don’t blame you for being suspicious. To tell you the truth, I’d have been worried if you hadn’t felt at least a little suspicious.”

Choosing her words with care, she said, “I’ll never be able to repay you for what you did for my family. You devoted a lot of your time to us without expecting anything in return, which would have been a big deal in and of itself. But when you factor in the personal risk you took, there’s no real way of quantifying what you did. I’m more grateful to you than I could ever express, and so is my father. I want to think you’re my friend, Raj, but you wouldn’t be the only one to have done something important for me because it got you what you wanted. It’s what Magnum has done all my life. I want to believe in your cause, want to believe that what you’re doing will result in a better world, but I have no real way of knowing that you won’t use me and discard me when I’m no longer useful to you, like Magnum did with my mom.”

“I know.”

It surprised her that he didn’t argue, but it didn’t make her any less wary. She thought of how implicitly she’d once trusted people and how much pain it had caused her. Yet it didn’t feel any better to refuse to trust anyone. Mal rubbed her the wrong way, but she didn’t doubt the strength of his conviction, and she couldn’t fault him for that. Tasha seemed like a nice enough girl, but Dara knew so little about her. But Raj, Raj was the one person she felt she knew better than most anyone else. She had seen what he had done for her mother, what he was still doing, and there was no payoff in it for him. A cynic might believe he was doing it to earn her trust, but she knew he would continue to watch out for her mother even if she refused to help the Free Thinkers. It made her want to trust him.

“I don’t know who to trust anymore, other than my dad,” she said.

“Honestly, none of us do.” He gave her a crooked smile and a half-shrug, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“What about your parents? Do you trust them?”

Pain flashed in his eyes and he turned away, inspecting the featureless concrete wall. “I don’t know either way. They don’t know what happened to me.”

“They don’t?” Her eyes widened in shock and she stopped walking, staring at him.

“I couldn’t risk it. When I found out—when I realized some truths about the Creators, I didn’t know if I could go to my parents. I didn’t know who they would believe and, anyway, I didn’t want to implicate them in anything. I just… I left. They don’t know where I am.”

His shoulders tightened as he withdrew into himself, and she ached for him. As much as she hated having her father involved in something that could have such dire consequences for him, what Raj had suffered was far worse.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” He glanced over his shoulder and gave her another crooked smile, the pain in his eyes plain. “Maybe someday things will be different. I hope they will be.”

“I hope you’ll be able to see them again sometime, if that’s what you want.” Putting a hand on his shoulder, she felt the tension in his body, the way his muscles were bunched until they were as tight and hard as the concrete box in which they stood.

“It is.” His voice was so faint it was difficult to hear, and neither of them spoke for a long moment. “Come on. We need to get you to the door,” he said at last.

Dara chewed her lip as they continued, and she couldn’t resist asking him the question that was nagging at her. “What did you mean by when you realized some truths about the Creators? What truths?”

He took a shuddering breath, and her stomach felt leaden with dread. What could be worse than what she’d already heard?

“We don’t have time to get into it, and, no offense, it’s not something I’m about to share yet. Someday I might tell you, but they’re truths I can’t trust to just anyone. I hope you understand.”

“Okay,” she said, not sure if she did understand. Rubbing her weary eyes, she thought about the web of secrets and lies in which she was now entangled, and it made her feel tired, so tired.

Was it better before, when you lied to your mother, lied to Andersen, lied to everyone about what was going on at home? Your whole life has been a lie.

Clinging to the steel railing, she had to expend a lot of effort to trudge up the stairs. This wasn’t the life she had expected to lead, but she was mature enough to recognize that any life she had ever expected to lead had been nothing but an illusion. At least with the Free Thinkers there was a chance that she might one day be able to build something more honest.

When they reached the top, Raj faced her, his eyes searching hers. “This never gets easier, you know.”

“Recruiting?”

With a bitter smile, he shook his head. “I know how it seems. What I meant was that it never gets easier having to watch as other people have the veil pulled from their eyes. Mal thinks it’s a good thing, but he’s the kind of person who’d have made a horrible doctor. He’d have ripped the bandages right off, told people to suck it up and deal with the pain.”

The unexpected bit of humor made her smile. “Yeah, I can see how this would be hard.”

“I guess my point is, I hope you’ll realize this is hard for all of us. It’s hard for you, it’s hard for me, it’s even hard for Mal, though he doesn’t like anyone to suspect that it is.”

“It’s a fair point.”

Placing gentle hands on her shoulders, he met her gaze. “I hope, I really do, that this will be good for you, Dara. It won’t be easy, but what you’re going through with Andersen isn’t easy either. Ask yourself, what would become of you if you didn’t know what you know about him? What kind of person would you become then?”

The thought made her stomach twist, but she didn’t answer him.

“Sorry.” He sighed and released his grip on her. His arms fell to his sides, and for a moment he looked like a lost, helpless boy. “I don’t want to push you. I want to be a good mentor, and I want to help you as much as I can. You can always tell it to me straight. With me, you don’t have to pretend about anything. If you’re mad, tell me you’re mad. If you have second thoughts, tell me about those too. Trust me when I say it’ll be better for everyone if you do.”

“Okay.”

“Don’t worry,” he said, catching the expression on her face. “I don’t expect you to tell me all your thoughts, though you could if you wanted to. That’s a decision you’ll have to make for yourself.”

“Thanks.” It meant more than she had anticipated, to know she had choices, however small they might be.

“See you next week?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll let your mom know you liked the cookies.”

“Thanks, Raj. I…I appreciate it.”

“It’s the least I can do.” His eyes were haunted, making her wonder what secrets he kept.

Joshua’s relief was palpable when his daughter returned, drenched in sweat. She had pushed herself all the way home, running much faster than her normal pace. It helped to work off some of her nervous energy, though she wasn’t sure exercise was the only reason she had chosen the grueling pace. She felt like she was running from something, running as fast as she could.

“Shower,” she gasped, doubling over, hands on knees, as she sucked in air.

“Of course,” her father said, though she could tell by his tone he was dying to know what had happened with the Free Thinkers.

The shower revived her, and when she went into the living room her father sat waiting, a pitcher of water ready for her.

“Thanks, Dad,” she said, flashing a grateful smile at him. She sank down on the couch, pouring herself a glass and draining its contents before she said anything. Exercise and the warm shower water had helped calm her nerves, though her head was still painfully full of everything she’d learned that day. It was going to take a long time to process everything.

“You okay?” he asked.

“No, not really. But that’s all right.”

He nodded. He wasn’t okay either, and he didn’t need to say it for her to know it. “Did you…did you hear anything about…”

She cut him off, her heart aching at his tentative words, at the mixture of hope and fear in his voice. “I brought this back for us.” She held the memory stick up to show him. “Give me a sec to get the unsecured tablet.”

“Okay.” He waited until she left for the hiding space, but out of the corner of her eye she caught sight of him picking the memory stick up, cradling it as if it were the most precious object he’d ever held. It made the lump in her throat grow so large, so hard, that she could barely swallow.

They huddled over the tablet together, and Dara told him about the cookies and the summary Raj had given her. Relief was apparent in her father’s eyes, but there was pain there too, and she saw how much it hurt him not to be with his wife in her time of need.

The details of the report supported what Raj had told her. Leona seemed to have settled into her new life, and it sounded like the environment was much better for her. She was receiving the kind of round the clock care that Dara and Joshua had been unable to provide, and she appeared to be making good progress as a result. It sounded as if she was happier, more confident in her own abilities now that she had an occupational therapist working with her, someone to help her gain back some of the independence she had lost.

“Do you think we’ll ever see her again?” Joshua asked, wiping his eyes.

“I might be able to,” Dara said in a soft voice, uncertain if the words would hurt him even more.

“If you can, you should.” He swallowed hard.

“I wish you could go too. Maybe I could arrange it.”

“Maybe.” He squeezed her hand. “The important thing is that she’s somewhere safe and she’s getting the care she needs. It’s more than I could have hoped for, and I’m grateful for it.”

They sat quietly, holding hands, for several minutes, then Joshua took a shuddering breath and made a visible effort to collect himself.

“What did they say about Andersen’s plans?” he asked.

“They recognized that it was big news, of course. I’ve agreed to continue to keep an eye on him, and I’ve also agreed to go through training.”

“Training?” He frowned, drawing his brows together.

“I know. I’m not sure I necessarily trust them either, but it does make sense for me to learn more. They want me to study old books they’ve rescued, information they preserved from the old networks that existed before the Great Famine. They also want to teach me how to respond if I’m compromised.”

“That’s good.” His brow smoothed, and she knew the thought made him breathe more easily. It did the same for her. Feeling so unprepared for how to deal with the possible consequences had been one of the worst things about her decision.

“I’ll have to spend more time away,” she told him, a note of caution in her voice.

“I realize that. Dara, if you need to use me as a cover story, I want you to do it. Let me do that much at least. Please.” His gaze beseeching, he stared at her, and her protest died on her lips.

“All right,” she said, sighing.

“I’m keeping my eyes open too. Anything I see or hear that sounds like it might be of value, I’ll pass along to you, so you can get it to them.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I want to do it. I’m…I’m ashamed to admit this, but I’m not sure I can do anything more, not just yet. I know your mother’s safe, but I still have you to think about. I don’t know what I’d be able to do if something went wrong, but I have to be here with you, have to know I’ll be around to do whatever I can if something does happen to you.”

The words made her shudder, though she tried to conceal it from her father. She hated the idea of him being at risk, hated to think that something horrible could happen to him because of her actions.

“We’ll look out for each other,” she said, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Always.” His voice was fierce, and he planted a firm kiss on the top of her head. “I hope you know I’d sacrifice anything for you, Dara.
Anything
.”

“I know, Dad.” Closing her eyes, she fought against the urge to weep. She hoped it wouldn’t come to that, hoped it with every last fiber of her being.

The next week was mostly uneventful. Andersen didn’t ambush her with any other surprise encounters with Jonathan, and he was so busy that he didn’t have much time to make her life miserable. He worked her as hard as he always had, but it was far more bearable because he either left her alone to get done what she needed to get done, or she only had to sit next to him at meetings, taking notes.

As his meeting with Creator Hartley drew nearer, though, Andersen became nastier.

“Care to explain to me why Head of Logistics Gonzales was unaware of the change in scheduling of the conference call?” he demanded, his frigid voice cutting through the air, drawing the attention of several engineering staff.

Confused, Dara sorted through her messages, finding the one she sought. “I don’t know, sir. This is the message I sent him.” She pointed at it, but Andersen didn’t so much as spare it a glance.

“Because of your incompetence, the head of logistics wasted an hour of his time.”

She bit back a protest. “I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again.”

“I advise you to make certain it doesn’t.”

He stalked away, his words sending a chill through her. She hunched over her terminal, trying to ignore the staring eyes of her colleagues. Much as she hated being berated by Andersen, his reaction told her there was more to this whole project, and it increased her determination to find out what was going on.

She spent several evenings poring over the many notes she had from the presentation, as well as what project paperwork she had access to, but nothing stood out. Using her burner memory stick, she made notes and drew up flow charts, trying to determine who might benefit the most if Magnum approved the project. It was obvious that both Andersen and Magnum stood to gain a lot, but something nagged at her, some detail she knew was missing. Despite her exhaustive search, nothing in the materials she had helped her tease out what it was. She told herself to be patient. Andersen might tip his hand in a way that would give her a better idea of what was going on. In the meantime, all she could do was continue to observe and gather whatever information she could.