Control (25 page)

“
An expert such as yourself, I suppose. Well, I
’
m not going to get into a beer tasting contest with you, you
’
d probably throw in some Icelandic lager that
’
s illegal in America and carry the day. I just know I can tell beers apart, hell, I
’
m Irish, I
’
ve been drinking it long enough.
”

“
You think you can tell beers apart?
”

“
I absolutely can. Not all of them, obviously, but for example, I can tell a local New York beer from a national brand, and I can tell an American from a European. And Japanese beers never gave me any trouble.
”

“
How many drinks did you have earlier?
”

Haggerty scowled, took out twenty bucks, slapped it on the table.
“
Pick four beers—five bucks for me for the ones I get right, if I miss any, each miss is five for you.
”
When Eric covered, they signaled for Tony the waiter.

Five minutes later, Haggerty was staring at four full glasses of beer.
“
Lemme see I got this right,
”
Tony said.
“
One of these is a Kirin, one
’
s a Bud, an
’
there
’
s a Schaefer an
’
a Lowenbrau.
”
He turned to Eric.
“
I wrote down which one is which like you said.
”

“
Thank you, Tony,
”
Eric told him.

“
Don
’
t mention it; you get all kinds in here.
”
He backed away, went about his business.

Haggerty stared dumbly at the four tall glasses with the bubbles rising inside.
“
What have I got here again?
”

“
Kirin, Schaefer, Lowenbrau, and Bud.
”

“
Well, the Bud
’
s a cinch, my old man was big on Bud, I could tell that eyes closed.
”

“
Don’t
close your eyes; listen to me now, I
’
m trying to be helpful. The color
’
s important. So
’
s the bouquet, so be sure you sniff all four before you taste any. And once you actually do taste, try small sips of each, comparing the nuances and
…
”

Haggerty grabbed the glass on the left, chug-a-lugged half of it, set it down, belched, and said,
“
Definitely Bud.
”

Eric just shook his head.
“
You haven
’
t tasted the others yet.
”

“
Don
’
t need to—that one
’
s the Budweiser, you want to double the bet, I
’
ll double the bet.
”
He slapped another twenty on the table.

Eric matched him, then signaled for Tony. He pointed to the half-empty glass at Haggerty
’
s left.
“
Which is that?
”
Eric asked.

Tony consulted a piece of paper.
“
That
’
s the Budweiser,
”
he
said, then he said
“
coming,
”
as a customer down the line raised a hand.

“
That really pisses me,
”
Eric said.

“
Got a very distinctive bouquet, the Budweiser does,
”
Haggerty told him.
“
Not to mention outstanding nuances.
”

“
I can still win the next three,
”
Eric said.

“
Wrong. The best you can do is break even-—Fm a whiz when it comes to Japanese beers.
”

“
On account of your old man was Japanese, I suppose.
”

“
You
’
re a really bad loser, aren
’
t you?
”

“
Not at all, I just hate it when ignorance comes out on top.
”

“
We had a very nice Japanese couple lived down the block and Helen got on very well with this Mrs. Mifune and I got on good with him—we tossed down a lot of suds between us, and it was him explained about oriental beer.
”

“
Explained
what,
for Chrissakes?
”
Eric said.

“
Explained how they put a
sake-like
quality in their brew—
s
a
ke
’
s
very big in Japan.
”

“
I know about
sake
—it
’
s a rice wine, but it
’
s got not a goddam thing to do with beer!
”

“
Well it wouldn
’
t to you, being an outsider and all—
”

“
—I don
’
t
believe
this,
”
Eric satd.

Haggerty tasted the beer on the right of the four.
“
No
sake
quality there,
”
he said. Then the third from the right.
“
Same.
”
He pointed to the second beer.
“
That
’
s gotta be it, that
’
s the Kirin.
”

“
Aren
’
t you even gonna taste it?
”

“
Don
’
t get so upset, if you want me to taste it, I
’
ll taste it.
”
He did. Then nodded.
“
Very
sake-like;
definitely Kirin.
”
He handed the glass to Eric—
”
Drink some of that and you
’
ll get what I mean about the
sake
quality.
”

“
I don
’
t want any goddam Kirin, thank you, and I read every book on beer in print and not one of
‘
em mentioned something called
“
sake
quality.
’”

“
Were they Japanese books?
”

“
Of course they weren
’
t Japanese books.
”

“
Well then.
”

“
Tony,
”
Eric signaled, and when the waiter was beside the table Eric said,
“
Is the glass he
’
s holding the Kirin, I don
’
t think it is.
”

Tony looked at the beers, then consulted his piece of paper.
“
Fm sorry, Mr. Lorber,
”
he said, then he held the paper out for Eric to see.
“
Check me if you want.
”

Eric shook his head.
“
Not necessary, thanks.
”
He sat back in silence.
“
I’ll
tell you what infuriates me,
”
he said finally.
“
It
’
s not the money. And it
’
s not that I dislike you personally—you
’
ve saved my life any number of times, I tend to take that kind of thing into consideration when! judge a person
’
s character. And it
’
s also not that what you
’
re doing is incredibly hard—-these are not good tasting conditions, too much noise makes it hard to concentrate, too much smoke doesn
’
t help either. No. What really ultimately ticks me off is the knowledge that no matter how long we live,
you
’
ll never let me forget this.
”

“
I
’
d like to tell you I wouldn
’
t ever bring it up again, but I haven
’
t got that much character.
”

Eric put his head in his hands and stared at the last two glasses.
“
Taste them and tell me, which is the Schaeffer and which is the Lowenbrau?
”

“
I already did taste them.
”
Haggerty touched the glass on the right.
“
The Schaefer,
”
he said.

“
You sound so positive, you can
’
t be so positive, how can you be so positive?
”

“
Just lucky,
”
Haggerty said.
“
Let
’
s say I eeeny-meenied and that
’
s how it came out.
”

“
Did you?
”

Haggerty shook his head.

“
Tony,
”
Eric said to the waiter who was balancing a plate with a four-pound lobster in one hand, a platter of lamb chops in the other.
“
Is the one on the right the Schaefer?
”

Tony nodded. Eric sagged.

Haggerty pocketed the money.
“
The lack of saline is the giveaway,
”
he told Eric.

“
The what of what?
”

“
Water around here, it
’
s got a much lower saline content than water from Europe. Once you remember that, you won
’
t have any trouble telling them apart.
”

“
Saline content,
”
Eric said.
“
I
’
ll put that in my Rolodex next to
sake
quality.
”

Haggerty started to laugh. He could not stop. When he was a kid he used to get the giggles when he went out of control and sometimes ended up peeing in his short pants. He hoped that would not happen now.

“
What
’
s so goddam funny?
”
Eric asked finally.

Haggerty barely got it out:
“
I snookered you.
”

Eric looked at him.

“
When I booked
…
”
Haggerty was trying desperately to get hold of himself
…
“
When I booked tonight, I asked for Tony … and told him … I mean, you
’
re so easy to bait when
it
comes to beer… I just told him that if he got any nutty requests tonight, just to put the beer down in alpha
…
alphabetical order
…
”

“
You old fart,
”
Eric said.

“
I am, I am.
”

Now Eric began to lose control.
“
And I
swallowed
it—who was your Japanese friend?-r—Mifune—same as the actor?—
”

Haggerty nodded.
“
I went blank on any other Japanese names except for Hirohito and I figured even you wouldn
’
t buy that.
”

“
Mifune,
”
Eric said, roaring now.
“
Mifune and his saline content—
”

“
—Mifune was the
sake
quality—
”

“
—shit—
”
Eric said, and he sat back and laughed until there were tears. Then they had the shells, and a lot more beer, and the sirloin, perfectly rare, and more beer with that, and the cottage fries and the onion rings were so good they split an extra order, and Eric could not remember food ever having tasted a whole lot
^
better than this, and during coffee he reached over, touched Haggerty on the shoulder saying,
“
You cheered me, Frank, you cheered me good, I
’
m on a hot streak now.
”

A few minutes later he wondered how he could ever be so wrong.

It was after ten and they were walking down Eighth Avenue when Eric stopped dead on the sidewalk. They were heading for
The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas
because Eric had never seen it and Haggerty felt
“
Hard Candy Christmas
”
to be the most underrated Broadway song of the decade when Eric froze. Haggerty shut up and stopped too, a half step later, and he followed Eric
’
s stare.

Up ahead, limping around, was the remnants of a Puerto Rican junkie. He was handing out pamphlets for a local massage parlor, moving painfully up to people, trying to push his wares into their hands. Most people avoided him; it wasn
’
t hard, the guy could hardly move.

“
What the hell is it?
”
Haggerty said but then he shut up because he had been with Eric in a lot of strange places, but the look on Eric
’
s face was different now, different from anything Haggerty had seen before, angry but somehow sad.