Controlled Surrender

CONTROLLED
SURRENDER
Christin Lovell

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Copyright 2012 by Christin M Lovell

Cover Images:
TheModernCanvas - Fotolia.com
Andreas Gradin -
Fotolia.com

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This is a work of fiction. The characters,
incidents, and dialogues are products of the author’s imagination
and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual
events or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

***

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ALPHA DOMS

Controlled Curves
Controlled Desires
Controlled by the Alpha
Controlled Passions
Controlled Cravings
Controlled Surrender

***

CONTROLLED SURRENDER

Chapter 1

LAINA

I met his gaze. My chest constricted; my
heart skipped a beat. I kept my eyes neutral, suppressing the surge
of desire, the geyser of emotions within me.

I wasn’t alone in my reaction. I saw the heat
in his eyes; his desire was blatant. He didn’t bother hiding it
anymore. It was instinctual though. He didn’t want me because I had
an amazing personality, a gorgeous figure or a quiet strength; he
wanted me because nature dictated he ought to.

I saw the women his brothers dated; I saw the
women he casually glanced at. Their hips were half the size of
mine. They were athletic women with tone, definition and a flat
stomach, the ideal physique of a female werewolf.

I was broken though. Somehow, I’d broken the
mold of what a female were ought to look like. Somehow, I’d
ballooned up to a size twenty-two when most of the women in our
pack were a size two. I was an outcast. I defied nature in physical
form.

My wolf had been whimpering, crying out since
the moment Jayson became alpha of our pack four years ago. I craved
him; I yearned for him more than food, more than air. But, I wasn’t
going to give in. I didn’t want him to resent the gods for pairing
us. Once he claimed me, he was stuck with me forever. Right now, he
had a choice. Right now, he could find that perfect female were to
rule with him over the pack.

I wasn’t that were. I wasn’t regarded highly
by any of the pack members. Even my own family looked down upon me.
I knew, had I told them I was mated to the their alpha, they would
have laughed in my face. I was a plus size woman in a world of
supermodels and it was obvious to everyone. I couldn’t embarrass
him like that. I cared about him too much. I cared about my pack
too much, despite how little they seemed to regard me.

I averted my gaze and took off for the cover
of the trees, needing to escape the endless ache. Each time I
looked at him, I suffered. My insides twisted with tension, with a
potent need as my heart smashed into a million pieces. It felt like
all the air was being forced from my lungs when my gaze fell upon
him; my world trembled every time he was near before it collapsed
when I had to walk away.

Tears pricked my eyes as I pounded my bare
feet against the forest floor. My legs flew, the wind exhilarating
me as the leaves flying up behind me encouraged me.

I’d never hated my lot in life; I knew others
suffered a far worse fate than bulges of fat. But I’d always
questioned it. I didn’t understand how I became the way I was; I
didn’t understand why I had to be the odd one out. Nonetheless, I
refused to impose this curse upon him. I refused to force my pack
to look to a shapeless woman for guidance. I refused to be the
representative of the females of my pack. I wasn’t one of them. My
genitalia was the same, but all else faltered with massive canyons
between.

Chapter 2

JAYSON

My heart broke as Laina slipped away between
the trees. My wolf howled, begging to be set free so he could seek
her out.

Of all of my alpha responsibilities, control
took the highest effort, particularly when my own mate refused to
submit. She obeyed the commands of the pack, but never personal
orders. She’d turned her back on me, on nature, on our special
bond, to run freely. She’d left me to suffer in silence because she
didn’t want me.

I couldn’t blame her I supposed. She was
gorgeous. She was rare in the world of weres; she was an anomaly.
Her luscious body, her gorgeous curves were extraordinary in our
world, in my world. Ignoring my wolf, I found myself being drawn to
her, longing to touch every rounded curve, every swell on her
beautiful body.

I wished to thread my fingers through her
auburn hair, to kiss the lids that covered her brilliant emerald
eyes; I wanted to brush my tan skin against her ivory silk. I
hungered for her. My body ached merely at the sight of her. She was
lovely; a mysterious treasure.

I’d never listened to the rumors. I’d never
listened to the foul words spoken by her own family. What others
thought didn’t matter. My feelings, my desires were all that
mattered. I was the goddamn alpha of this pack. I could override
all of them if I wanted, but I couldn’t force her to look at me
with warmth. I could force her to surrender to me, but I couldn’t
force her to kiss me back, to relax and enjoy my love. And that was
just it. I loved her too much to force her into something she
didn’t want.

I loved her too much.

Chapter 3

LAINA

As I reached the clearing, the cliff that
overlooked the mountains with the river flowing strong at the base
of it, I slowed. This was where I came to breathe; this was where I
came to escape, to cry in silence, unhindered, unobserved.

I ambled close to the edge. Closing my eyes,
I spread my arms out and allowed the wind to sweep over me. Mother
nature spoke to me in these moments; she reassured me. She gave me
strength to continue, the strength to deny my heart and my
wolf.

The water gushed below; the waterfall half a
mile away sent the water chopping against the rocks, against the
mountains. The birds chirped as they flew overhead; they’d
disappear over the next few weeks when they flew south for the
winter. Squirrels rustled the leaves, chasing each other between
hunting for nuts.

I listened as my heartbeat slowed, as my
pulse seemed to vanish as a comforting peace settled over me. These
were the moments I cherished. This was the serenity I craved.

I opened my eyes and lowered myself to the
ground. I lay back on the grass and stared up at the sky, enjoying
nature’s grandeur all around me. This was my heaven. This was where
I wanted to stay.

I looked at the sun beginning to lower over
the mountains. Night would be here soon. Dread bound my chest as I
thought of returning to camp, returning to Jayson and my
family.

My gaze slid down over my plump figure. I
could afford to skip one meal. I nibbled on my lips, contemplating.
I doubted anyone would miss me.

I slid up onto my elbows and studied the
forest before me. I strained my ears; I didn’t hear any wolves
nearby. I sniffed the air; I didn’t scent any wolves within the
vicinity. Within the next twenty minutes they would all convene for
our family dinner. Once night fully fell, they would go home for
the night. No one would come searching for me.

I lay back down, settling in. I was going to
spend the night with Mother Nature. She was always welcome
company.

Chapter 4

JAYSON

I honed in on Laina’s place at the table, as
I did every night. Her mother, father and brother were present, but
she was noticeably absent. I would have felt if she was in danger,
which allowed anger to prevail. Why wasn’t she here?

“Mirna, where is Laina?”

The middle-aged woman smiled sweetly at me,
but couldn’t hide the irritation in the rest of her features. “I’m
afraid I don’t know.”

“She’s got enough meat on her to skip a month
of family dinners,” her brother, Roberto, mumbled.

My anger morphed to rage as I slammed my fist
down on the table. The entire pack grew quiet as they stared at me
in horror.

My wolf roared inside me. Every hair stood up
on him, every muscle buckled as he rammed against his cage. I bore
down on my muscles, grinding my teeth to help me contain him.

Mirna’s cheeks colored as her nostrils
flared. “Don’t worry about her, Jayson. She’s a big girl. She can
afford to miss a few meals.”

Her father, Rupert, was sitting silently
beside his wife. His eyes were gray storms as they glared at the
empty seat beside his son.

“No one in this pack is going without,” I
declared.

My wolf rumbled, echoing my statement. He
scratched at my lungs, cutting my chest, scraping the cage around
my heart raw.

“She doesn’t deserve such mercy.” Rupert
scowled, the words having been spit from his mouth.

I bristled, on the verge of combusting.

“Relax, bro. It’s no big deal if she misses
dinner.” Aaron, my brother and pack beta, sat back, crossing his
arms over his chest casually.

“Where is she?” I looked around the table.
“When was the last time any of you saw her?” My fury was the only
thing keeping fear from overwhelming me. I didn’t know what I’d do
if she ran away.

Murmurs erupted around the table, but no one
could answer me. Did they really think that little of her?

“Maybe she’s just late?” Ramona, one of the
pack elders, offered.

I gazed at her aging face, discomfort
settling in my chest.

“Why is he so worried about the fat one?”
Sarah grumbled to her best friend, Amanda. My wolf sneered. Her
high school immaturity was the only thing saving her.

“Who knows? She’s a disgrace to our pack if
you ask me.” Amanda huffed.

“Is it such a harm if she misses one meal?
Lord knows the girl has enough on her to hibernate all winter,”
Rebecca, another mother, said.

“I think he feels obligated. She’s an
unfortunate part of this pack, which makes her his responsibility,”
Edna added her own two cents.

Several of the teenage boys began tossing
around jokes about Laina’s size. The worst part, what crushed me
inside, was that many of the adults, the examples of propriety
sitting around this table, quietly laughed with them.

Where had I gone wrong? Where did I slip up
in teaching them to protect their own, to look out for their own?
We looked out for every member of this pack; young, old, big,
small, it didn’t matter. They were one of us. Now I saw their true
colors coming through. No wonder Laina didn’t want to be with me.
I’d allowed them to ridicule her. I’d allowed them to push her
away.

My body began to shake as their words swarmed
me, igniting my wolf, ballooning my distress.

Aaron leaned across the table towards me.
“Bro, you’re blowing this way up.”

“He’s probably the only one that cares. Even
Mirna said her daughter was a massive disappointment,” Maxine
whispered to my mother, my mother who sat primly at the table,
acting as if nothing was happening.

Brad, my youngest brother stood. He came
around and clapped my shoulder. “Let’s just sit and eat. If she
doesn’t show, we’ll send a few people to look for her,” he
stated.

They were so nonchalant.
They acted as if their worlds weren’t collapsing because of one
loss.
The loss of one was a loss to
all
had been my motto.

My pulse quickened. My veins burned with
something close to acid, though I knew it was my supreme disgust
with my entire pack. I’d never wanted to walk away from my position
so badly. I’d never wanted to punish an entire group of people.

My bones rattled as my wolf thrashed at the
final barrier containing him. I was so close to letting him loose
so he could shred them, so he could lash out at all of them for
turning their backs on his mate, on my mate. Perhaps they could
breathe easily without her, maybe they thought she wasn’t a vital
part of us, but she would always be the most important part of
me.

I shoved Brad off of me. I growled, the sound
echoing throughout the cabin. I slapped one fist against the table
followed by the other. The table shook, everything on top of it
clattering. I glared at each one of them, spearing them with my
eyes, slicing them with my indignation.

“How dare you defy me! How dare you dismiss
one of our own!”

“She doesn’t contribute much,” someone
stated.

My ears were burning, my muscles on the verge
of splitting. My pulse echoed in my head, muffling my supernatural
hearing.