Counting the Days (11 page)

She waved her hands at me in a shushing manner, and quickly turned away. I could see that she was struggling to keep her cool. She walked over to the window and stared out at the black sky. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I wanted to crawl under a rock somewhere far, far away. I wish she would say something. The awkward silence felt like a lifetime. She seemed to be deep in her thoughts, and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and even a little afraid. Several minutes passed before she turned back and asked, “Did the doctor recommend an OBGYN?”

I shook my head ‘yes’ and answered, “He mentioned something about my going to Stonybrook University Hospital because they have a high risk clinic there. He feels that I may need the attention of a high risk doctor, so that’s where they’re referring me.” I began scrambling around for the paperwork the doctor gave me. “Over there on the counter by the sink is the name of the doctor they recommended.” How does she do it? How does she keep it cool and act like nothing?

My mother went over to the other side of the room and retrieved the paperwork. She nodded her head and said, “This is a really good physician. I think you’ll really like him. He’s very funny and very down to earth.” I watched as her eyes moved over to the large bruise on my arm. “How’d you get that one?” she said gently touching my arm. She didn’t even blink.

I quickly covered it up and said, “Oh, its nothing. I must have gotten it when I passed out earlier.” I couldn’t look her straight in the eye while I blatantly lied, so I looked away. “I told you mom, since I haven’t been feeling well and all, I’ve been losing my balance and falling down a lot, that’s all.”

“
Yeah…that must be it,” she said quietly shaking her head. Suddenly she looked extremely sad or disappointed. She’s a nurse, for goodness’s sake. She knew and wanted me to tell her the truth...but I couldn’t. “Well, honey, I have to go back to work. I’ll come by in the morning and see how you’re doing. You call my unit if you have any questions or concerns. I’ll let the nurses know that you’re my daughter and that they should call me if anything comes up.” She leaned over and kissed my forehead. “I love you,” she whispered and began to leave the room. At the door, she stopped, turned and looked at me a moment. She just stood there, staring at me as if she had something to say, but couldn’t. “You do know that I love you. Don’t you?”

“
Yes, mom, I know that you love me.”

“
And you know that you can talk to me about anything?”

“
Yes mom.”

“
Sleep tight then,” she said and left the room.

“
I can’t talk about this,” I whispered to myself after she left. “Not this.”

I could hear her talking outside to the nurse. I couldn’t make out clearly what they were saying, but I did hear her ask ‘who is the attending physician?’ I had a bad feeling in my gut. Her talking to the doctor was not going to be a good thing. All night I tossed and turned with worry. Finally, I fell into a light sleep. One of those sleeps where you hear every little sound.

I was still tired when I awoke in the morning. It must have been around 7:30am when my mother came back to my room. I was brushing my teeth when she came in with her stern serious look. She knew. “You’re coming home with me when you‘re released.”

“
What? Mom, you don’t understand, Danny is not going to let me go with you.”

“
I don’t care what he wants. I’m not going to let him abuse you anymore.”

“
What are you talking about mom, he doesn’t abuse me.” I looked down at the floor as I walked back to my bed. I felt so ashamed for lying to my mother, but I had to, she would never understand. And besides, we were talking about my husband and I had to make a defense.

“
Marilyn, I gave birth to you. Please don’t lie to me anymore,” my mother said all too seriously. She meant business. I could hear it in her voice.

Give up, Marilyn, she knows. No she couldn’t, of course she knows…she’s a nurse. She’s probably seen tons of cases like mine. I looked her straight in the eyes and could see that not only was she concerned for me, but also love was written all over her expression. Say something, Marilyn. “Mom, he doesn’t mean it and it’s always my fault. I stress him out so badly and I have the uncanny ability to provoke him. I just have to learn how to leave him alone when he’s in one of his moods, that’s all. Besides, I’m his wife and I really have to stick by him.”

“
Sweetie, no one in his or her right mind will ever fault you for leaving an abusive man,” she paused thoughtfully. “You have to start thinking about this baby, Marilyn. It’s not just you anymore. Now there’s a child involved.”

“
I know that, mom. Why do you think I was so unhappy when I found out I was pregnant? I know that Danny’s a little rough. That’s why I never ever wanted to have a child with him. I thought that I was being so careful. I can’t even remember when I could have even conceived. Over and over I’ve tried to think back when it could have happened. I thought I used every precaution.” Thinking about it made my head hurt, because I made sure that I took my pills every day. I just don’t get it.

“
Honey, please consider coming back home with me,” my mother pleaded.

I was so confused and at the same time I was totally relieved that my mother still loved me. She was so cool and was so non-judgmental. “I can’t, mom. I’m married to the man. Even if I decided to go home with you, Danny is not going to let me go. He’s just not. Besides, you’d be taking on a whole new burden…and I just can’t let you do that.”

“
Dear, I’ll help you with every resource that’s in my possession and I’ll get you the best legal representation there is. We’ll press charges or we’ll invent charges against him if we have to.” My mother was totally determined to convince me that I belong at home with her.

It was such a tempting offer. I could get away from my savage husband and have every resource available to protect me. “Mom, I don’t think you’ll have to go the prosecution route, but...” I hesitated to think a second. My mother was jumping the gun a little, but I know she means well, and at least she was being calm. “I’ll think about it. Okay. Now remember, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Just don’t push, okay, I know that I can’t have this baby with him. That’s for sure.”

“
So, it’s settled. When you’re released, you’ll come home with me. I’ll get your room ready and start painting the spare bedroom for the baby,” she rambled on in excitement. “I’m going to have to baby-proof the entire house. We’ll have to get a gate for the stairs. I’m going to have to make a list.”

“
Mom, relax, I didn’t say ‘Yes’, I just said that I’d think about it,” I said those words, knowing in my heart that going home with her was the right thing to do. First, I’d have to figure a way to let Danny know. A painless way.

“
I understand, honey, but I still have the right to plan,” my mother said with a hurt and disappointed face. She stayed quiet a few moments and then blurted out, “Marilyn, don’t mention any of this to Danny…”

“
Don’t mention any of what to me?” Oh man, when did he walk into the room? How long was he standing there listening? He gazed suspiciously back and forth between my mother and me.

I quickly broke out into a cold sweat. “Nothing, honey,” I replied quickly, “you spoiled the surprise. We were just discussing how we would decorate the baby’s room.” He had a bunch of stuffed animals in his arms, so I redirected my attention and asked, “What you got there?”

He quickly smiled and handed them to me. “They’re toys for you and the baby,” he said with such a goofy smile on his face…but I know him. He will ask me about my conversation with my mother later and he won’t be nice about it either. “I have another surprise for you in the car. I’ll be right back,” he said and left the room.

I turned to my mother and said, “Mom, please don’t mention any of our conversation to anyone.”

“
I think you should tell that creep husband of yours that you’re leaving him. Marilyn, he doesn’t deserve any further explanation,” she replied angrily.

“
Mom, please promise me. Promise you won’t mention any of our conversation to anyone. Not a soul, mom!” I said forcefully. She needed to understand that I was extremely serious about her being quiet. “Mom, you don’t understand what he can do and how he gets. He’s liable to kill me. So I really need you to keep this silent. It has to come from me and, for my safety, I wouldn’t be telling him anything until the last second. I’m serious, mom. He could really hurt me or worse yet, the baby.”

She looked me in the face and could see the seriousness in my expression. “I’m sorry, honey, I’ve never been in your situation. Just knowing that you’re going home to your husband could be potentially dangerous makes me crazy. I just want him out of your life as soon as possible,” she paused with empathic eyes. “All right, I’ll keep it all to myself. Just promise me that you’ll tell him as soon as possible…and that you won’t wait until you’re in a body bag.” She pulled my blankets up and kissed my forehead.

“
I promise, mom. I’ll tell him soon,” I said visualizing her words about my being in a body bag. Not going to happen.

Moments later, Danny came back with a small bag. “I just wanted to show you how happy you’ve made me,” he said as he handed me a jewelry box.

I really hate it when he does the thoughtful husband thing. Every time, it’s the calm before the storm. I could see my mother behind him struggling to contain herself. I forced a smile on my face and said, “Honey…you shouldn’t have…you’re so silly.” I slowly opened the box and gasped when I saw the diamond studded earrings. They must have been at least two carats total weight. I looked up in disbelief at my husband. He was so proud of himself, that he had this childish grin on his face. My heart sank stirring feelings I haven’t felt in a long time. I knew it. He could be nice. I looked intently at his eyes and he was so cute when he wanted to be. “Thank you,” I said melting. What else could I say? I was dumbfounded. He leaned in and kissed me. Was I jumping ahead of myself by thinking about leaving him? He could change, couldn’t he?

My mother came over and looking at the earrings, commented just above a whisper, “They’re beautiful. Where’d he steal them from?” She then turned to Danny with disgust and said, “Such a thoughtful gift.” She helped me put them on and then said, “Well, I better get going. The floor was busy last night, so I’m really tired and need to get some sleep. Got to work again tonight.” She stood up and put her sweater on. “I’ll come by later and check in on you. Think about what we talked about,” she said looking over her shoulder at Danny. “I think that we could make the baby’s room very chic. Okay, sweetie?” She started for the door, “You have a good day Danny,” she said and walked out.

Danny turned to me and swiftly grabbed me by the neck. “What were you two really talking about earlier?”

I began choking and coughing as he tightened his grip. I tried pulling his hand off me, but I was still too weak and he was just too strong. I struggled to say a few words and he loosened his grip a little. “We were talking about medical stuff. The doctor thinks that I’m high risk and my mother is worried,” I managed to say hoarsely. He let go. I immediately grabbed my throat and gasped frantically for air.

He leaned in and got in my face. “That better be all you talked about,” he threatened and then left the room. I wept as I caught my breath. I pressed the call bell and the nurse immediately came in. I motioned for some water.

Later that evening, I informed my mother of my decision to go home with Danny and make things work. She begged and pleaded. During the night, she came in with scores of statistics showing that victims of domestic violence don’t live if they don’t get out. The information was overwhelming, but I know that if I give Danny a chance…he’ll change. I know that he loves me and having this baby will change everything. Look at the gift he gave me…he never did anything like that ever before. He will change. I know he will.

The next morning the doctor told me that he was discharging me. He told me everything that I needed to do, like exercise, diet, appointments, vitamins, etc. He said that I needed to make an appointment at Stonybrook as soon as possible. He said that they would give me a prescription for some prenatal vitamins and that the physician at Stonybrook would set me up with appointments for a sonogram and lots of other stuff. He handed me an itinerary with all the hospital info and numbers on it. After the doctor left, I called my mother’s unit and told her that I was discharging. Then I called home.

“
Hello,” a female voice said groggily. Who in the world? Did I dial the wrong number? I hung up and redialed the number again.

Again the female voice answered. I must be having a bad dream. “Who is this?” I asked.

“
Hold on,” this familiar female voice said. I could hear the female frantically trying to wake my husband up. “Danny, wake up. I believe its Marilyn.” She knew my name. Who could it be? Think girl, the voice sounds familiar to you.