Cover Girls (13 page)
Michelle’s wing waved wildly as she spoke. “Did it ever occur to you, Tonya, that I don’t like seeing people push you around and walk all over you in the office. I get mad because I want to see you stand up for yourself. You may be fighting for me, but I don’t see you fighting for yourself. Why are you a team leader? You’re doing the same work as the managers, taking the same heat, but I don’t see you demanding the same money. What about that?”
Tonya squeezed the note in her hand.
“I never had anyone in my life who looked like me that was in charge. I want to be proud of you. I want to see the other people in the office watching you and be proud. Maybe I’m shallow, but I want to see you look good. I want to see you look happy. You’re the only representative I have in the office—I want to see you look like you’re in control. Maybe I’m not being realistic, but I want to see you look like a sister that has it all together.”
Tonya rubbed Malik’s note with her thumb. “I—I’ve been through a lot. My son . . . and my husband . . . my marriage . . . Everything is on me, now. You don’t understand.”
“There’s no excuse, Tonya. What you don’t understand is that I’ve been through stuff too in my life. Okay? I’m younger than you, but I’ve been through things you couldn’t even imagine. I may not have it all together, but one thing I know. I am not going to die. I’m not going to roll over and play dead. And I’m sure not going to bury my own self.”
Tonya could feel tears burning her eyes. She was not going to let them fall. But her mouth, despite how hard she fought to keep it from happening, turned into a frown.
Michelle wasn’t finished. “You might be having a hard time, but you’re not having a hard time every day. You could do something with yourself
sometime.
And you may be right, Tonya, I may be having a hard time accepting friendship from people. Maybe I am running from the Lord—not that that’s any of your business—but maybe the only love
you
know how to accept is from the Lord. Maybe I am trying to hide behind the way I look. Did you ever think that you might be doing the same thing? That you might be covering up with your tiredness and sadness? Did you ever think that you might be hiding? Tonya, when was the last time you had a conversation with a man?”
Shadrach signaled to the waiter. “Check, please?” When the waiter left the table Shadrach looked at Tonya and Michelle. “I think we just finished Round Two.”
Ding! Ding!
S
he stood in Malik’s doorway and watched him playing a video game. The animated character he was controlling rode a motorcycle on a track that dipped and dove, that had all sorts of obstacles. At one point in the run, the character had to make a jump. Each time Malik attempted the jump, the rider fell, and the game sent them—Malik and the character—back to the beginning of the run. Tonya shook her head and leaned against the doorway. “How can you stand to keep doing that? How many times are you going to do that?”
Malik looked at Tonya and smiled.
“Until I get it right, Mom-bo. I just keep doing it until I get it right. If you want to win, you have to keep trying until you get it right.”
Changing is hard work.
She could hear Shadrach’s voice. “Someone said almost the same thing to me today.”
“Must have been a great mind.” Malik grinned at her and touched a finger to his head. “Great minds think alike.”
She laughed and looked around for a sock or something she could throw. “Whatever, Malik.” She watched him try the round again. “Malik, can I ask you something?”
He leaned forward to try to make the killer jump in the video game. “Sure, Mom-ster. What’s up?”
“That’s okay. You go ahead and play. I shouldn’t be bothering you.”
His character fell again, and he switched off the game and turned to face her. “All right, Mom, I’m all yours.”
“That’s okay, Malik.” She turned and walked toward the kitchen, but he followed and sat on the edge of the table. “Malik, get off of there. You know we don’t sit on the table.” She popped at him with a dish towel.
“Stop! Police! Help!” He slid off the table onto a kitchen chair. “You got to stop being so violent, Mom-bo!” He laughed and held up his arms as though he was fending off blows. Then he dropped his arms. “Okay, Mom. What’s the deal? I’m all ears.”
She lifted the lid to check on the squash she was cooking. “I shouldn’t be talking to you about this.”
He looked around the room. “Unless you see somebody that I don’t see, Mom-bo, I don’t see that we got much choice here.”
“Boy, if you don’t stop that smart-mouth.” She laughed and swatted at him with the towel again.
“Why so much violence, Mom? Why? Can’t we all just get along?” Tonya laughed and turned back to the stove. “So what is it, Mom? For you to even bring it up, it must have been bothering you for a while. Go ahead, Mom, I’m man enough; I can take it.”
“It’s just something that happened at work.”
“Work? Is that why you’ve been so uptight? That’s how it always is, isn’t it?” He pretended to have a hangman’s noose around his neck. “They make you mad at work, so you come home and take it out on the kids.”
“Malik, give me a break. I don’t know why I even brought it up.”
“Okay, I’m through kidding. Come on, Mom-bo. Spit it out.”
She sat down across from him. “Malik, do you think I’m dead?”
He threw back his head and howled. “Mom. Come on.”
“I don’t mean literally. I mean, you know?”
“You mean like what I’ve been talking to you about? Like the hair and everything?”
Tonya held her breath and nodded.
“I don’t think you’re really dead, Mom. I think you’ve just gotten tired of trying. I think you’re just stuck in a loop and it’s easier to stay where you are, than to work to get out. You’re not dead, you’re hibernating.”
“So you think there’s something wrong with me?”
“No, I think you’re human, Mom. Humans tend to do what’s easy, what takes the least amount of effort. I think you’re tired, and I think it’s been a long time—maybe you’ve lost a little confidence. It’s been easier to be tired than it has been to change it.” He shrugged. “We usually stay where we are until someone or something happens that makes it harder to stay than it is to move forward.” Malik rested his elbows on the table. “So, what’s the matter, Mom-bo?”
“Nothing really. Just someone at work that was saying I should fix myself up. Look out for myself. That’s all.”
He sat back. “The same kind of stuff I’ve been saying. Good. He or she must really like you. I’m glad you’re making friends.” Malik smiled. “You’re going to need something to do when the nest gets empty.”
Tonya wasn’t about to tell Malik that Michelle wasn’t her friend. She certainly wasn’t going to tell him that Michelle didn’t like her at all, that they had been arguing.
“She must really like you.”
That was an overstatement if ever she had heard one.
He raised an eyebrow. “Is it a man?”
“Malik!” She certainly wasn’t going to tell him about Shadrach—not that there was anything to tell.
Tonya didn’t tell Malik, but she thought about the afternoon’s conversation—Round Two—and about what Malik, Michelle, and Shadrach had said to her as she washed dishes. She thought about it on the way to prayer meeting, and she thought about it on her knees.
God, if this is You, if this is You troubling the waters—then, okay. Help me to know that it’s You. Help me to see myself. You are magnificent. You are mighty. You are the God of the whole universe. Nothing is too hard for You.
Maybe I have been stuck too long. It doesn’t seem possible that somebody could get used to being tired and miserable, but if that’s what I’ve done, or if that’s who I am, then help me to see myself. If You want me to move forward, then show me how. Show me where to go. All I know how to do is what I’ve been doing.
If I’m hiding out, being safe instead of casting out to deep water, then give me the courage to change. Give me the determination to keep doing it until I get it right. You are glorious and there is no shadow of turning in You. Help me to reflect Your beauty and Your light.
Lord, I don’t want to be sad and tired—I want to give You glory. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. Let all that I am reflect who You are. Don’t let me miss my season. Help me to see any doors that You are opening for me. Help me to see doors that You are closing.
God if I’m not where You want me to be, then move me. Don’t leave me alone in the wilderness of grief and complacency. God You are the God who heals. If You don’t change me or heal me, nothing will be changed. Move with me and show me the way to go. Be a pillar of cloud before me in the day, and be a pillar of fire before me at night.
And, God, while You heal my broken places, while You look after my son and me, look after Michelle. Bless her where she needs to be blessed. Help me to show her love that she can accept. Help me not to be offended, so that I can hear the truth in what she’s trying to say to me.
And, God, You are our Banner, our Protector, our Strong Tower. You are the God who can turn the heart of a King. Lord, turn Mrs. Judson’s heart. Lord, in Jesus’ name, lead me and help me to get it right. Amen.
M
rs. Judson’s office seemed infinitely wide and deep. Her desk was sterile and mammoth. Everything in the room bespoke wealth and power. The gray-haired woman sat behind her desk in a rich, chocolate-brown leather chair and peered over her glasses at Tonya. It felt like she was lost in the ocean and a wave was about to come crashing down on her. “I had hoped to speak with you this morning about Michelle—to see if we might quickly resolve the matter and move forward. However—” She looked at her cell phone. “—I have some pressing business that won’t wait.” She set the phone down. “I also have a week-long meeting out of the country. We’ll have to resume this meeting in two weeks when I return.”
Mrs. Judson’s face told Tonya she was dismissed. “Perhaps this will give you some time to strategize and to solve this dilemma, in the manner that best serves the company—and yourself.”
Tonya left the office with the same feeling she always had: Mrs. Judson’s office tried too hard. It was too big, as though it was intended to compensate for something else. It was too plush. It seemed to be hiding something.
Two weeks.
Well, at least it was two weeks more than what Mrs. Judson had intended. It would give Tonya a chance to work things out with Michelle, to try to get things in order before Mrs. Judson got back.
She looked across the room. Michelle had come in on time.
And I bought new stockings.
Of course, that didn’t mean everything was okay and settled. It might be a start, but it might not be. It was too soon to tell.
As she left Mrs. Judson’s office and passed by Michelle’s desk, she could hear her talking. “Todd, I’m not trying to give you the brush-off. You’ll have to call me at home.” Michelle paused. “I know I’ve been doing it all this time.” Another pause. “Things have just changed, Todd. Don’t read a lot into it, okay? Instead of talking at work, you’re going to have to start calling me at home. I don’t know how many different ways I can say it. I’m not trying to get rid of you. I just can’t talk about it here. Not now. Not anymore. Call me tonight.”
Michelle hung up the phone and glanced up at Tonya. Neither woman said anything.
Tonya and Michelle worked hard that morning—at least they worked hard at staying out of each other’s way. If one went to the copy machine, the other waited until she had returned. There were no tandem bathroom runs and no twin retreats to the coffeepot or to the water fountain. They were cavalierly, intentionally distant. That is, until five minutes before twelve.
Tonya rose coolly from her seat, hoping Michelle wouldn’t hear her heart pounding or see her knees knocking. She only had two weeks—someone had to take a chance. She might as well get it over with. She walked across the burning desert, across a gully of quicksand, across a long and terrible tundra to reach Michelle’s desk. “I was hoping we could walk downstairs together.”
Michelle looked wary. “Okay.” Tonya could feel other people in the office watching them as they talked, then as they walked to the elevator. She could imagine the speculation.
Do you think Tonya’s firing her? How do you think Michelle will take it? Who’s going to call security?
They were professional observers—they would watch, but no one would lift a hand, not even a finger, to help.
Tonya pushed the button to send the elevator down. She wasn’t sure what to say to Michelle.
Help me, Lord.
Michelle’s shoulders were stiff and she stared straight ahead. She looked tense, as though she was ready to leap at the first opportunity.
When the door opened, they still hadn’t exchanged any words. Someone had to say something. “Shadrach said to meet at the Chinese food restaurant, right?” Of course he did, but she had to say something.
Michelle nodded. “Yes, the Chinese food restaurant.”
Tonya took a deep breath and plunged. “I know this hasn’t been easy for either one of us—at least, it hasn’t been easy for me. But I appreciate Shadrach trying. I appreciate what he’s trying to do.”
“Yeah.”
“Mrs. Judson is gone away for two weeks. She told me, before she left, how she wants this situation handled—”
Easy does it. Not too much, not too little.
“—and I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve made a decision—”
“Look, Tonya, why don’t we wait until we get to the restaurant. I don’t want to do this on an elevator. I would appreciate if you said whatever you have to say to me in front of Shad.” Michelle folded her arms.
They were quiet the rest of the way down, when they entered the restaurant, and when they were seated. After Shadrach was seated, he held up three fingers. “Round Three,” he said. “I think you two have worked through a lot. You might be feeling a little tender, but I think when the bruises heal—I think you all have a chance to do something real. So today why don’t you just let it flow? Just talk—whatever you want to talk about.”
