Cowboy Country (42 page)

“I had planned to propose today, here at out spot, only we ended up sick. I had every intention of sneaking away to pick out a ring yesterday, only that didn’t happen.” Sterling shoved his hands into his pockets and paced, his boots kicked up a knee-high billow of dust.

She didn’t know what to say. Her bottom lip trembled. Tears filled her eyes.

He planned to propose.

“Does this mean you’ll marry me?”

“No.” She turned away.

“Why? Because I didn’t offer a romantic proposal? Or maybe because I didn’t give you the flowery words you wanted? Or is it about the ring? I’m sorry, but ever since I got home I always seem to say the wrong thing. I get around you and get all tongue tied and stupid words fly out of my mouth.”

“Don’t you get it?”

“Apparently not.” His hands slapped the sides of his legs.

“I don’t care about flowery words. I don’t care about gestures. I don’t even care about a damned ring. All you had to do was come home to me. Tell me you loved me and wanted me back. But, you couldn’t even do that. Instead, you avoided me. Hell, you flat out ignored me.” She walked away then realized if she didn’t get it all out now, she never would.

She stared at him.

He stood tall, proud, an impassable brick wall and just as dense.

It was her turn to pace. “You know what kills me. You call yourself a soldier. You’d take a bullet for any one of your men. But when it comes to me, you have absolutely no emotions. You can’t tell me you love me or that you want to marry me. What I don’t understand is why it’s so easy to show your brotherhood what they mean to you, but you can’t show the woman you claim to love, that you need her. There’s something very wrong about that. What does it say about us?”

“But I do love you.”

“Then how come you didn’t say it before now? And you couldn’t come to me when you came home. I’m sorry Sterling, it’s too late.”

“Too late?”

“For us.” Regina stamped her foot. “Love isn’t supposed to be this difficult.”

“You don’t understand,” he said.

“You’re right. I don’t. Other than having to grow up and doing what needed to be done, I haven’t change a bit. I love the boy who went to war. Regardless of the break up, I stayed here waiting for him to come home and come to his senses. Only, when he came home he didn’t have enough faith in me to know I’d take him as he was. No stipulation. No excuses, No explanations.”

“But—”

“But when he came home, he went to his folk’s house, avoiding me. Sorry, but that’s not love.”

“What do you want from me?” Sterling’s arms were held wide open and the expression on his face was priceless. For a smart man, he was dumb as a stump.

“I gave you all the time and space to come to that realization on your own. And still you didn’t come. If it weren’t for Silver, your daughter, who ran off chasing ducks, we wouldn’t even be here now. How pathetic and sad is that? You’re brave enough to sacrifice your life and yet you’re afraid of me, of us, of love. Sorry, I can’t live like that. I need to know the man I love would do anything, make that everything to show me his love without being pushed and prodded. Hell, I feel like I’m begging here just to have you in my life. It’s all or nothing. I want—no damn it—I deserve it. And I won’t accept anything less.

Sterling stood at attention.

She wasn’t a superior officer commanding him into battle. It was supposed to be about love.

Regina was bound and determined to teach Sterling a lesson. It would hurt her as much as it did him, but she had to do it. Until he came to his senses and realized she was his equal, she wanted nothing else to do with him.

It was time for Sterling to find out what life was like without her in it.

“I think you need to leave,” Regina said. She crossed her arms and turned away.

“This is my parent’s ranch.”

“Fine, then I’ll leave. And I want you to stay away from me. I don’t want to hear from you until you can give me a good reason for not coming to me when you got home. I know we were broken up, but you only broke up to protect me because you were a Ranger. But you aren’t one anymore. You could have come to me. You had to know I was still waiting. So until you can tell me why, I don’t want to see you.”

“What about Silver? She’s my daughter too.”

She frowned. “I would never keep her from you.”

“We’ll figure something out.”

“So long as you respect my wishes and stay away.”

“It’s not like I have a choice?”

Regina’s heart was breaking. At no time did he try to stop her rant. At no time did he correct her. It was obvious, at least to her, that the man she loved with all her heart, didn’t feel the same about her.

Before he left, he never had a problem telling her what she meant to him, told her a hundred times a day he loved her, but now he didn’t even bother to find a way to show it.

He didn’t say a word, didn’t even reach for her. She spun around and opened the door. Once in the car, she started the engine. Her chest heaved as she sobbed.

Sterling mumbled, but she couldn’t hear what he said. He kicked a rock and sent it flying through the air, landing in the pond.

It was several minutes before he climbed into the passenger seat next to her, leaning his head against the rest and closed his eyes.

She didn’t hold his dream of the military against him. On the contrary she understood it and even admired his courage to following his dream.

It was her heart that had become a casualty of war.

How could a man with so much courage and conviction be empty and devoid of emotion? Be afraid of the woman he claimed to love?

She was right when she told him love shouldn’t be so difficult. Her eyes filled with tears, her nose ran, and her sinuses filled signaling that if she didn’t get her own emotions in check, he wouldn’t be the one with a headache.

She glanced out of the corner of her eyes to see him clutching his head.

Great! Now she was responsible for the return of his headache.

The drive back to Lena and Nate’s was painfully slow.

Sterling didn’t speak.

Regina couldn’t believe that she and Sterling could have fallen apart like this.

What happened to them?

****

Silver didn’t know what to do. She’d never seen grandma like this.

When she saw her mom’s car pull in front of the house, she ran to get them.

“Hurry up. Grandma’s crying.”

Her parents looked at each other and flew up the stairs and into the house.

She followed them into the house hoping they would fix whatever made Grandma cry.

CHAPTER 14

Sterling took the steps three at a time. “Mom?” he shouted as he entered the house. He raced into the kitchen and skidded to a stop.

Mom was standing at the sink, her hand over her mouth, dad standing behind her rubbing her back.

“What’s wrong?”

Mom turned toward him and handed him a letter.

“What’s that?”

His mom stifled a sob and turned into his father’s arms.

He took the letter and read it.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’m so sorry for causing the family so much trouble. I need to figure some things out so I’m going away for awhile.

We’ve had this conversation before mom, so you know I’m right.

Not sure where I’m going but I’ll let you know.

I’ll be fine, really, don’t worry.

By the way, I left some photo albums for Sterling. I put them on his bed. I didn’t want him to miss his daughter’s life.

Please make sure he gets them, and tell him I’m sorry, I don’t know what got into me.

I hate to ask you, but try to find the words to let Silver know I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye but that I love her.

I love you all, but this is for the best.

Virgil

Regina put her hand on his arm.

He looked down into her eyes then handed her the letter.

“Shit.” Sterling smacked the chair nearest him, rattling the bowl of fruit on the table. An orange rolled, bounced on the table then onto the floor.

How the hell would anyone find words to explain to his daughter that her uncle was gone and no idea when he might return?

“Mom, what did he mean you talked about it?”

“We’ll discuss it later. I don’t want to get into it now.” Mom’s gaze went to Silver. She was subtle. His mother blew her nose then set about putting away the leftovers from the picnic as if nothing had happened.

Sterling couldn’t handle it. He pushed past Regina and Silver and raced up to his room. He’d messed up in so many ways.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he rushed into his room. Things between him and Regina had gone into the shitter. Now Virgil was gone and he was to blame.

He stood in his doorway and spotted the books on his bed. It took two false starts before he could make his feet do as he wished.

He dropped onto his bed and pulled the stack of five albums onto his lap.

The photo albums chronicled Silver’s life, one for each year since she was born.

He opened the first book.

Silver crawled onto his lap and leaned against his chest. She let out a sad little sigh then hiccupped.

“Look how tiny you were.” Sterling pulled his daughter close, breathed in the scent of her hair. The smell of baby shampoo brought back memories of Darcy was a baby. The pulse in his eye throbbed, beating in time with the cadence pounding in his chest.

A snowy white snippet of hair tied in a delicate pink ribbon, the same shade as her mother, drew his attention.

He looked up.

Regina’s hand covered her mouth, her eyes pooling with unshed tears.

He didn’t understand the changes in Regina. She’d never been one to cry. In fact she prided herself in the fact that she maintained control on her emotions at all times.

Silver turned page after page. The book was packed with pictures of every last member of the family holding her…except him.

Sitting up.

Crawling.

Her first steps.

Silver down for a nap in front of a roaring fire with Rocket beside her.

Even Rocket was in almost every picture, as if he were on patrol and taking his job seriously.

He looked down. Rocket was at her feet. At least he knew Rocket would keep her safe.

The funniest picture was of Silver, who couldn’t have been much more than a year old, sitting on the back of her pony Spike. Her baby fine snow white hair with a cute pink bow around a pathetic ponytail sticking up on top of her head. God how he wished he could have been there to see it.

In an instant he was furious. He looked up at Regina and before he could stop himself he said, “How could you not tell me about her?” He wrapped Silver into a tight hug, feeling a loss, so complete it was as if the child had died rather than the fact that she was in his arms.

He missed so much. Sterling couldn’t see the pages for the watery vision before him

Page after page Virgil had documented the first of Silver’s life. At least he had the book, but it just wasn’t the same.

When he looked up Regina was gone. Dane and Darcy stood in the door way.

Dane scowled, lips pressed into a flat line, the wrinkles between his eyes were deep as a river. His brother was pissed.

Darcy had her arms crossed glaring at him.

Dane and Darcy turned and left.

So much for support from his family, hell they were all in on it, they’d kept his own daughter a secret from him. If anyone had the right to be angry it was him.

And yet, he was a moron to think that way. They’d never do anything to hurt him on purpose. Just like he never had meant to hurt Regina and the family. Everyone was making him out to be the bad guy, but he was also an injured party in the huge scheme of things.

Now that he thought about it, he was one hundred percent to blame. If he’d married Regina before he left for boot camp like she’d asked instead of breaking up with her, this argument would be moot.

But no, he’d argued that he didn’t want her to be a widow.

Did he really think he’d die over there? If he was honest he hadn’t give it a thought, except when she asked it had spooked him. Not really, he’d been excited about going overseas and using his training. Marriage would have pulled him back from his dream, because his commanding officer had laid down the law.

Was Regina right? Was he afraid of Regina, of love, of marriage?

No didn’t think so. And he’d loved Regina no doubt about it. Why hadn’t he told her. Dane was right, damn it.

Silver chattered, laughing at the wide variety of pictures.

His family had done him proud, taking on Silver and Regina while he was away.

There were a few picture of Regina pregnant. She was beautiful. There really was a glow about her.

The pictures of Silver as a newborn made his temples throb. Pictures of every single member of his family holding his new born daughter, made his chest ache. The first volume was filled, practically memorializing every week of her first year.

Blake or Dane dressed as Santa Claus and Silver pulling his beard.

He was surprised Silver learned to walk since in all the pictures someone was holding her.

His family had stepped in when he left. It really was his fault.

If only he’d listened. But no, it was what he wanted.

Oh God! Regina was right…it wasn’t what she wanted.

Regina called Silver. “Time to go, sweetie, come say good-bye to everyone.”

Sterling walked them to the car. He couldn’t meet Regina’s gaze, not after he realized it really was his fault.

“Bye Pumpkin,” he said then bent to pick her up and hug her. He breathed in her essence.

“Daddy will you come get me in the morning at the café tomorrow?”

“It’s up to your mother.”

“Fine.”