Cowboy for Keeps (14 page)

“We need to go to the reception.”

He shook his head. “We need to get to the bottom of this.”

“Wyatt, why does it matter to you?”

“Because I care, Amanda—you’d be surprised how much.”

Amanda’s heart began pounding at his words. “Wyatt—” she said, but lost all train of thought when he touched her cheek.

“Trust me, Amanda. I’m here for you.”

“I have nothing to offer y—a man.” The words came out before she could stop them. Wyatt’s eyes sharpened and his hand stilled. She looked down, her gaze falling on the hand he still held. She loved Wyatt. She knew it, knew it wasn’t anything like what she’d thought she felt for Jonathan. She knew she loved this tender man and that there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.

“You said that before. What makes you say that? You have everything to offer.”

She took a deep breath; her insides were churning. “I lost more than my leg when I was hit… I lost my ability to have children.”

Her words knocked the breath out of him.

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Hey, you two,” Seth called from the door. “Cole wants y’all in the picture with them cutting the cake, pronto.”

Wyatt scowled.

Amanda grabbed the door handle with shaking hands. “We need to go inside so you can be in the pictures with Cole and Susan,” she said, pushing her car door open. “Your family is waiting.”

“I want to talk about this,” Wyatt growled, grabbing her arm.

“No, Wyatt. This isn’t fair. Cole and Susan have waited for you long enough and you know you wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

He let out an exasperated breath. “You’re right. But this is important, Amanda, and we will talk. You can bet on that.”

Amanda got out of the car, closed her eyes, praying for help… It seemed hopeless, though.

H
e was tired of smiling. Wyatt had smiled for the camera over and over again so that when Cole and Susan looked back over their wedding pictures he wouldn’t look angry. He’d already caused them to wait this long to get married, he didn’t want to be responsible for ruining their wedding pictures for all of eternity.

But the conversation with Amanda kept playing over and over in his mind. She couldn’t have children. She loved children. The thought of it broke his heart.

He couldn’t imagine all that Amanda had lived through. Why had she been able to work with kids for so long and now she didn’t want to? Couldn’t.

Moving to the corner of the room, he leaned against the wall and watched her serving cake with Adela. The reception was a success. Cole and Susan were happy and everyone was having a blast. Norma Sue and Esther Mae worked beside Amanda and Adela serving cake and punch as though it was a free-for-all. It even seemed that Amanda was having a great time as she placed sliced cake onto plates. She smiled at everyone and even laughed when cowboy after cowboy made some comment—flirting with her, no doubt. It hadn’t escaped his notice that she had an ever-growing army of admirers. He wondered if any of them could see past her smile to the heartache she was hiding.

One thing about Amanda, she seemed to be able to shut her own needs away and focus on the needs of those around her. Watching her, he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

He wanted to storm across the room, take her in his arms and tell her that he loved her. That it didn’t matter if she couldn’t have children—was this the reason Jonathan had broken off their engagement?
Had he known when he asked her and then changed his mind?

The questions wrestled for answers—answers Wyatt would uncover as soon as he and Amanda were alone.

It was late when they finally headed home. The sun was low in the sky and the roads to the stagecoach house glistened white as Amanda followed them toward home. Home. She’d begun to think of this as home in the short few weeks that she’d been here. She knew it was because of Wyatt. She loved him and couldn’t imagine leaving here. But she would.

She’d made so many friends, even tonight she’d made more. For a town that only a few years ago had been dying, it was full of life now. Bustling with life. She felt good just having been in the middle of such a positive atmosphere tonight, even after practically breaking down in the car with Wyatt.

Working with Adela had been part of that. “I loved working with Adela tonight,” she said, needing something to fill the silence as she drove. “She is a delight.”

Wyatt had watched her all night. She knew that their conversation was inevitable. She’d expected him to practically interrogate her the minute the SUV’s doors were closed. But he’d been quiet, lost in thought. It was plain to see, by the distracted look she’d come to recognize in his eyes, that his mind was working overtime. Dread filled her. She’d wanted to tell him for so long about not being able to have children and now…now she’d told him. What was he thinking?

“I’m so sorry, Amanda. Talk to me. Tell me what happened.”

His words were a low rumble in the darkness. They reached out to her, urging her to open up.

Amanda took a shallow breath, feeling as if she were treading on quicksand. It was time. “It just recently hit me what I’ve lost….”

Wyatt stilled his heart as her words flowed, as rough as the cattle guard she drove the SUV over. He was glad they were home. This hadn’t been a conversation to have while driving. He’d meant to wait.

She pulled to a stop in front of the house and cut the engine. He waited for her to continue.

“I’ve dedicated my life to helping kids. Felt like it was my calling. My purpose. Over the years I came to realize that at fourteen I didn’t understand how the complete hysterectomy would affect me.” Her words were stronger than he’d thought they would be. “I didn’t realize how I would one day long…” her voice cracked “…for a baby.”

Wyatt could see where at fourteen the loss of her leg would have been the focus of her young life. A kid wouldn’t understand that she might one day long for a baby. A kid might only think about having to face life without the leg she’d had before she’d gone into surgery. A woman of twenty-four who saw other women all around her who were expecting children would understand only too well what she’d lost…especially one whose fiancé had broken off their engagement. He had to ask. “Did you start struggling with this prior to Jonathan breaking the engagement?”

She nodded. “Some. I’d been thinking about it since I was about twenty. But I’d been counting my blessings. Focusing on them and letting God get me through it. But it was getting worse each year. And then, well, I realized the truth.”

“And what is that?”

She bit her lip, crossed her arms as if to protect herself. “I’m a woman with one leg and no ability to give a man children. I’m not the prize—” She halted as if unable to continue.

She didn’t need to finish her statement. Her view of what that truth was showed in her expression.

“You know that’s not right,” he said softly, touching her cheek.

“What man would want me under those conditions? I’m not one to beat around the bush or want sympathy. This is fact. I didn’t date because of that.”

This was something new. “You didn’t date?”

She shook her head. “I couldn’t handle thinking about someone confirming what I had realized.”

Then she’d decided to date Jonathan the jerk. Wyatt shifted in his seat to face her more fully. Amanda needed to talk about this and maybe she needed him to ask frank questions. “What made you change your mind and start dating Jonathan?”

“It just happened. He…” She sighed. “He was nice and he was persistent. I told him on our second date and he was okay with it.”

“But he wasn’t.”

She looked down at her hands folded tightly in her lap. “No. He wasn’t.”

Wyatt would have decked the guy if he’d been standing there. How could the man do that? “You are better off without him.” She looked pained as she closed her eyes, shaking her head. Wyatt’s heart clenched. “Do you still
love
him?” Surely not. She’d said once she was over him, but was she? “You are better off without him.”

“No. I don’t love him. I can just understand—”

“Stop defending him, Amanda. The man saw a pretty, sweet woman and chased her down. As far as I’m concerned he was looking out for only himself the whole time. He told you what you wanted to hear at the time because it suited him.” Anger boiled inside of Wyatt. He sucked in a hard breath and counted to ten as he slowly exhaled. He didn’t need to upset Amanda any more. The look on her face told him it was too late. “Is this why you don’t work with kids?”

Her eyes darkened with sadness and she nodded.

“Amanda, you can’t have children, but you have so much to offer a baby. And all those kids whose lives you’ve touched. Anyone can look at you and how you’ve lived your life and know that God is using you. Your life is a testimony. It has been to me. And there is no telling how many others—kids and adults alike—who you’ve inspired firsthand. God has a plan for you. He wants to prosper you and not to harm you.” Wyatt couldn’t remember the last time he’d quoted scripture but it felt right to do it now.

Tears formed in her beautiful aquamarine eyes. “They have touched my life…but, Wyatt, I can’t do it anymore.”

He didn’t understand. “Why?”

“When I’m around kids now—” She brushed a tear away and it was all he could do not to reach for her. “It started with Jonathan. It hit me then with full force how big the hole inside me is.” She paused, closing her eyes briefly. “I’m dealing with it in my way—here.”

“Amanda, there are babies who need adopting. You can do that.”

“It’s not that…” She faltered as if she almost couldn’t get the words out. “It’s in here.” She flattened her hand to the center of her chest. “I feel so empty. So broken—like I have a hole inside me that can’t be filled. Nothing makes it better. No scripture. No prayer. It’s just there. And I feel—” she sighed “—worthless.”

“Amanda, no—”

She kept on going. “I can’t look at kids now without aching so badly inside that I feel as if I’ll be sick. It’s a horrible thing. It’s something I have to deal with.” She shifted her shoulders back and lifted her chin. “And I will.” She reached for the door handle. “I’m tired, Wyatt. I think I’ll head in. Are you okay? Do you need me to help you get inside?”

She was almost bubbly again—clearly a veil over her pain. Wyatt shook his head. “I’m good, Amanda. You go on in and get some sleep. It’ll make you feel better.”

She didn’t look at him as she climbed from the SUV and headed across the yard. She worried him. There was so much he wanted to say and so much he didn’t know
how
to say. It felt strange to be in a situation where he didn’t have the words.
I love you
were the words that came raging to the forefront of his heart and soul…but was that what she needed to hear right now? She’d heard those words once and they’d been taken back. They’d led or added to the feelings of unworthiness she said she was feeling.

Worthless!
She was a jewel.

He just had to find a way to show her.

After Amanda disappeared around the edge of the house, Wyatt got out of the SUV and slammed the door. He winced from the pain that shot through his shoulder. He’d come a long way, but there was still a long haul ahead. Right now the pain didn’t compare to what he was feeling for Amanda. Or what she was feeling herself.

She’d come here to help him heal when she had far deeper hidden scars than anyone could know and certainly see.

Grief was a complex emotion. He and his brothers had lived it when their parents had died tragically. It was a death of flesh and blood. A tangible loss that everyone in the community saw and felt. Amanda’s grief was different. It was almost intangible—who would know if she didn’t tell? Who would comfort her if she didn’t expose it? And if she didn’t tell anyone, she suffered alone.

Did she not know how precious she was?

This wasn’t what he’d expected. She was a fighter, and so he wouldn’t have thought that this could kick the wind out of her the way it had. He’d almost told her he loved her but held back. His gut told him now wasn’t the time. He’d been messing up ever since Amanda walked into his life. The last thing he wanted to do was speak too soon. He had to help her first…and then pray she felt the same way about him. He had to have a plan before he did anything stupid. But what?

He needed to ride.

Needed to move.

Restless winds rolled across the pasture as unease and uncertainty clashed inside of him.
What did he need to do for Amanda?

The sun was settling over the trees. Cole and Susan had planned the afternoon wedding and reception so they could make the long drive to the airport in Ranger. Wyatt glanced into the SUV and saw the key still in the ignition. Walking around to the driver’s side, he pulled open the door and slid carefully into the seat.

He needed time to think. He needed to ride. Needed the calm he felt when he was around his horses—

Five minutes later, he pulled into the yard of the main house where Seth and Melody lived. He knew they were probably still in town cleaning up after the reception. Driving to the barn, he eased on the brake and got out of the vehicle. His hip and back tightened up but didn’t spasm. His shoulder hadn’t complained too much, either. It didn’t matter as he made his way into the barn.

Why had God not helped Amanda? She’d said nothing had helped her. No scripture. No prayer. Why had God not given her something to ease her pain?

He stopped in front of the black gelding. “Hello, Soot,” Wyatt said, rubbing the horse’s neck. “How about a ride?”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

The question startled Wyatt and he looked over his shoulder. Chance was standing in the doorway.

“I don’t really care at the moment. What are you doing here? I figured you’d still be in town.”

His cousin shrugged and strode over to prop a boot on the bottom rung of the stall. He patted Soot’s neck. “When you were troubled about something, riding always did help you think, didn’t it?”

“Same as you.”

Chance gave him a Turner grin. “Yup. There’s peace out there on those plains.”

“I’d almost forgotten how much.”

“Do you need to talk?” Chance turned his head and stared at him from beneath the brim of his hat. His serious green eyes bored all the way through Wyatt.

“Nope. I’m fine.” It wasn’t true and he knew it. But this was a private matter.

“Give me a break. You looked like a cowboy about to get on the rankest bull of the draw and you aren’t prepared.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Worse. I saw the way you couldn’t take your eyes off Amanda all evening. What’s going on?”

Maybe counsel from a man of God might help him help Amanda. Wyatt gave in. “This is just between you and me,” he clarified.

“This is between you, me and
God.
”

Wyatt proceeded to tell him about Amanda’s problem. About how she couldn’t have children and how she was in a crisis with it now. “She’s run here to Mule Hollow trying to find some peace and answers, I think. She’s just treading water, hoping God will take away the pain and grief she’s feeling, but she’s hurting, Chance. And tonight she told me how empty and worthless she feels. That’s not good. I don’t know what to do for her. She’s a remarkable woman. I’ve never known someone with the heart that she has. She’s spent her life inspiring people with the way she’s handled losing her leg. She let God take that bad situation and make it good. But this is really hurting her. How can I help her? She is not worthless because she can’t bear children.”

Chance had been watching him closely. “Man, that’s a tough one. First, you can start by doing what you are doing…loving her.”

“Is it that obvious?”