Read Crank Online

Authors: Ellen Hopkins

Tags: #Psychopathology, #Young Adult Fiction, #Psychology, #Family, #Drug abuse, #Family problems, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #General, #Parents, #Addiction, #Fiction, #Juvenile Fiction, #Novels in verse, #Problem families, #Romance, #Dating & Sex, #Health & Fitness, #Schools, #Cocaine abuse, #Pregnancy & Childbirth, #High schools, #Pregnancy

Crank (22 page)

BOOK: Crank
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that her boyfriend was to become a grandpa.

* *

8) My ultrasound--seeing a heart, beating strong inside me.

Having my doctor

inform me that my baby was all in one piece, then

suggest I shop "blue."

529

7) school counselor,

Mrs. Green, arranging a home-study program to let me graduate

right on schedule.

(Six days before I gave birth!)

* *

6) Calling Grandma, expecting a lecture and getting one-- about how every baby, regardless of circumstances, is an angel on a special mission.

* *

5) Scott's losing his anger

long enough to teach

me to drive. Getting

my driver's license when

Grandma left me her obnoxious (but mint) '75 LTD.

530

4) Jake, sharing his Internet

research on fetal

development. Did you

know that a fertilized

egg, 36 hours old, is the size of a pinhead?

* *

 

3) Sorting through 35,000 names in the

Dummy's Guide

to

 

 

Naming Your Baby,

opting for the strong, masculine moniker

 

Hunter Seth.

* *

2) Epidurals. I meant to do

Lamaze, really I did, but I managed to miss

most of the classes.

Here's to labor, without unimaginable pain!

* *

And...

531

 

 

 

T

he #1 Best Thing

 

about those seven months:

* *

Holding

my baby for the first time, knowing just how to do it.

* *

Thinking his red, scrunched-up face was really quite handsome.

* *

Unwrapping the blanket to count fingers, eyes, ears, and toes,

* *

Finding

all twenty-four, precisely

where they ought to be.

* *

Crying because suddenly, for the first time in a very long time, everything felt right.

532

 

 

 

Lows

 

10) Morning sickness. Puking

my guts out as soon as I lifted my head from the pillow, each and every day for weeks and weeks.

* *

9) Listening to Mom and Scott

argue. About me.

About the baby.

About the odds of it being some

sort of freak.

* *

8) Trying to quit tobacco after learning how

every puff made

my baby's heart

stop beating. How

could I be so hooked?

533

7) Going to school (before

my "condition" became

obvious) an outsider.

Knowing my old

friends and I had

lost all common ground.

* *

6) Boredom. The succession of little-to-do

days, stretching

longer and longer toward the longest

day of the year.

* *

5) Long letters from Chase.

USC was great.

The football team was great. Los

Angeles was great.

Great enough to call it home.

534

4) My dad's silence. He did call

once, to confirm Linda

Sue's tale. Then not a word, as if not talking about it could make the "problem" disappear.

* *

3) Losing Grandma, just when

I'd found her again.

A waterfall of flowers

brightened her funeral, but they couldn't disguise the stench of death.

* *

2) My water breaking, mid-Walmart...

Contractions, uterine lightning

bolts, striking

immediately and not letting up for 18 hours.

* *

And...

535

 

 

 

The

#1 Worst Thing

 

about those seven months:

* *

My steady, needful, forever

relationship with the monster.

* *

Learning

that "addiction" is much more than a buzzword.

* *

Discovering

how very much it applied to my "me first" psyche.

* *

Struggling

not to give in to inner voices

much stronger than my own.

* *

Winning

most of the time, gritting my

teeth and "just saying no."

* *

Losing in those moments

when the world

I'd created for myself

closed in around me.

536

 

 

 

H

appy Endings

 

I'd like to give you one.

But I'm not really sure

how this story ends myself.

* *

Being a mother is hard.

A lot harder than I imagined.

My baby boy is beautiful.

I sense an Old Soul within him.

* *

But he cries a lot and he doesn't really sleep like a newborn should. No lectures, okay? I accept my part.

* *

I watch my mom with my son, loving him, as she must have

loved me. She's patient when he cries. She paces him to sleep.

* *

I wish I could be like that. But

I'm only 17. I feel like life is passing

me by as I stand here on the deck, listening to him fuss inside.

536

537

Sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and roll away. Sometimes

I just want to die. I only know one

thing that can make me laugh again.

* *

Crank is more than a drug.

It's a way of life. You can

turn your back. But you can

never really walk away.

* *

The monster will forever speak to me. And today, it's calling me out the door.

537

 

 

 

 

BOOK: Crank
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ads

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