Crash and Burn (41 page)

There’s something I figured out in therapy and through the writing of this book, so before I sign off, I’m coming clean, because I want to be honest with you guys. Basically this is it: I was completely suicidal on January 2, 2010. My intention was to kill myself. I did not want to wake up alive. Life as a heroin addict had become unbearable and I could think of no other way out. I am deeply ashamed and embarrassed by this and that is why I concocted the story of wanting to pass out and go to sleep, a story that I believed myself for a long time because it was easier to do than facing the truth. It’s taken me years to admit this to myself, but now that I can I’m admitting it to you. If I weren’t honest about it here, I’d be doing you, my readers, a gross injustice.

I need to be honest about something else, too. I’m writing this book for the money, but I sincerely hope it helps people who are addicts and the family members of addicts in some small way. I hope it helps everyone who reads it understand what addiction is and that there’s no quick fix, no magic pill, no miracle cure. I hope that admitting that heroin got me to a place in my life—which by the way, by anyone’s standards was a great life—that I willingly took a knife and plunged it into my gut nine times, hoping to die, will be a deterrent to anyone considering using drugs at any level. I make no moral judgments; people should do whatever they feel needs to be done to achieve happiness. John Lennon said it best: “Whatever gets you through the night, it’s alright, it’s alright.”

Just think of me and others like me before acting on certain things, because my mom, my sister, Adrienne, and other great people in my life are still here and that’s for now. I’m still kicking, I’m still performing, I’m still writing, I’ve got my radio show and I’m on TV and in the occasional movie. It feels good; it feels really good. I want to thank you all for sticking with me. All of my fans, you’re truly wonderful to me and I wish all of you happiness. If any of you are lost, hopefully this book will help you find your way somewhat. That’s the most you can ask of anything.

Until the next time,

Artie

To Richard Abate, my loyal agent, for never giving up and helping with business and creative issues equally great. Thanks again brother! Two books! Stacy Creamer! What can I say? You are my newest angel! THANKS! Here’s to the future as well. Much love to Dave Becky. As good as a friend and a manager gets! Jared Levine—brilliant lawyer. It’s always good news when Jared’s on the phone. Love you Jared! Tony Burton and Don Buchwald, you guys stuck with me! Thanks. Nick DiPaolo—the funniest guy I know, who doesn’t even know how to say something other than how it is! Respect! Julie Grau, your brilliant mind is all over this book. I will never forget the success we had together. I wish you nothing but happiness. Much Love! Chris Long, you are quite simply the coolest and most creative executive I’ve ever known! Thanks for taking a risk and believing in a slob like me. Much love and respect. Danny Falato, the coolest Cubs fan I know—seriously brother, I’m proud to call you a friend! Ted Knuetter—miss you. Melissa in Richard’s office, your help is unreal! John Valdastri, my travel God! Love ya, JV. Tim Sullivan: a friend and a coworker who takes care of me like a brother. He has become a brother! Chris C. and James C. at DirecTV! Everyone at Sunrise Detox in Jersey and Ambrosia Drug Rehab Center in West Palm Beach, Florida, for saving my life. To Frank Sebastiano for being insanely smart and funny—and for being my friend. And, of
course, Anthony Bozza—The Wolf! You’re a genius! We are two for two partner—love ya! Lastly, all my family and closest friends! For always taking time to ask, “how is Artie doin’?” AND YOU FANS! ’Til the next one, guys.

Artie

ARTIE LANGE
is a comedian and actor who has performed in sketch comedies, movies, TV, and radio. In 2001, Lange joined the cast of
The Howard Stern Show,
where he quickly became one of the most popular characters on the show. He is the author of the #1
New York Times
bestseller
Too Fat to Fish,
a collection of narrative episodes from his life. Currently, Artie is very happy hosting
The Artie Lange Show
on the Audience Network for DirecTV.

ArtieQuitter.com

ANTHONY BOZZA
is a former
Rolling Stone
staff writer and author of the
New York Times
bestsellers
Whatever You Say I Am: The Life and Times of Eminem, Tommyland
with Tommy Lee,
Slash
with Slash, and
Too Fat to Fish
with Artie Lange. He lives in New York City.

AnthonyBozza.net

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ALSO BY ARTIE LANGE WITH ANTHONY BOZZA

Too Fat to Fish

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Copyright © 2013 by Arthur Lange, Jr.

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First Touchstone hardcover edition November 2013

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Interior design by Joy O’Meara

Jacket design by David Ter-Avaneysan

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Postproduction by Mike Campau

Back jacket photo by Adrienne Ockrymiek

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Lange, Artie, 1967–

Crash and burn / by Artie Lange with Anthony Bozza.—

First Touchstone hardcover edition.

pages cm

ISBN 978-1-4767-6511-2 (hardcover)—ISBN 978-1-4767-6512-9 (ebook)—ISBN 978-1-4767-6559-4 (trade paper) 1. Lange, Artie, 1967– 2. Comedians—United States—Biography. 3. Actors—United States—Biography. 

I. Bozza, Anthony. II. Title.

PN2287.L2833A3 2013

792.702’8092—dc23

[B]

2013035351

ISBN 978-1-4767-6511-2

ISBN 978-1-4767-6512-9 (ebook)