Crave (39 page)

But then I realized…that numbing effect was exactly what I needed right now. Because if I was numb, then I wasn't having to battle the bloodlust. Or any other emotion. And that meant I was in control, not the bloodlust.

So I gave up, gave in to the vampire side that had been waiting there for me all along. I embraced that numbing cold, hugging it to me, using it to kill the emotions that had been wrecking my self-control and fueling the burning need for Tristan's blood.

Only then, encased in that imaginary block of ice, did the bloodlust finally fade away, along with all other feelings. And at last, I could safely meet his eyes again.

“I love you.” His voice was a terrible combination of pleading and defeat. But it couldn't reach me now. I was safe behind the wall of ice.

Why had I fought my vampire side for so long? Emotions were the real danger, hurting me, distracting me, making me lose control. The cold was a sweet relief, offering me peace and calm.

I sat back against the wall, which seemed warmer than me now, laid my cheek against my knees and stared at the rusted metal door. “Don't worry. They'll come back soon to free us.”

Both disappointment and relief floated from the council through the glass window. And yet still they waited. For my self-control to crack?

I closed my eyes and drifted on waves of numbing cold inside. It was strange, like how swimming in a winter ocean might feel after the first shocking sting went away. Did dying of hypothermia feel like this? Was it a comforting relief from the pain, a near-blissful release all on its own even before death approached? If so, maybe it wasn't such a bad way to go.
Part of me, deep down, said a crucial piece of me
was
dying. But the rest of me was wonderfully numb.

I even felt brave enough to take a short breath through my nose. Tristan's blood still smelled good, yet it couldn't get through the ice to trigger any emotions. I lifted my head and smiled. I'd done it. I'd beaten the test, withstood the temptation to kill the boy I loved…and all I'd had to do was stop fighting what I already was.

That sniff must have been what they were waiting for, because after another minute or two the door opened and the guard returned, still holding his wrist over his nose. He looked at me. This time, he couldn't seem to keep his face emotionless, his silver eyes wide with disbelief. “They are ready for you now.”

Without looking at Tristan, I rolled up to my feet.

As I reentered the council chamber, that empty calm came with me, bringing clearer thoughts and understanding. I realized I wasn't afraid of the council anymore. Why should I be? Wasn't I one of them now, or nearly so? And wasn't that exactly what I'd always wanted, to truly belong somewhere? I nearly laughed out loud. How stupid of me, to always want what I couldn't have, when all along I'd had an entire world to fit in among if I just stopped fighting what I was. I had never been normal, never would be normal. I was a vampire in the making. There was no point denying it, and nothing I could do about it. So maybe it was time for me to learn to live with it.

“Impressive,” Caravass said upon my return.

I dipped my chin in acknowledgment of the compliment. Ah, so lovely not to feel afraid anymore while facing the council. And now that I no longer had my own feelings clouding up my mind, I was free to concentrate on their emotions instead. The overwhelming majority of which was
relief. But why were they so relieved? Because I'd passed their test and proved I wouldn't endanger their peace treaty?

Were they really
that
afraid of what I might do?

As the council returned my stare, I tried to imagine myself in their position. What must it be like, to be in charge of an international world of immortals, each one strong and blood-thirsty…? To know that my eternity would be spent trying to keep such a society secret from the world around us and at peace with the equally powerful Clann…? And then to be faced with such a mixed creature as myself, one that could potentially help or ruin us all…?

They must have wanted to avoid possible disaster and simply kill me as soon as I was born, if not before my birth. Yet they had agreed to let me live and see how I would turn out. And how had I repaid such a monumental risk on their part? I had threatened to expose them to the human world, secretly dated the future leader of the Clann for months and refused to even give them direct updates about the changes I had gone through.

Their methods were definitely medieval at times. They never should have kidnapped Tristan. But then again, we shouldn't have run around breaking the rules for months, either. So maybe Dad wasn't the only vampire I had misunderstood.

“We have reached our decision,” Caravass said. “You do seem to have the bloodlust under control. For now. So you are free to go, but under a few conditions.”

I raised an eyebrow in silent question.

“You must be taught the vampire rules and ways by your father.”

“Of course.” I would need all the help I could get.

“You will return here every six months to undergo testing. We want to stay abreast of your developments as a vampire, as well as monitor your magical power.”

Now both my eyebrows went up. “Testing?”

One corner of Caravass's mouth tightened. “We will not be using a descendant for future tests.”

I gave a single nod in agreement.

“And you must stop seeing the witch boy outside of school.” Caravass tilted his head toward the still-uncovered window.

From the corner of my eye, I snuck a peek at Tristan, his shoulders slumped, his eyes dark and haunted. I looked away again.

“The only reason he has not destroyed us all is because of the drugs in his system at present,” Caravass warned. “He is a danger to all within our world. You included.”

Shouldn't that be the other way around? Weren't we vampires the danger? “So you still intend to let him live?” A tiny crack spread in the layers of imaginary ice that encased me.

“Your father has made a wise point. Harming this descendant would destroy the peace between ourselves and the Clann. But you must not be alone with him anymore. We cannot risk your losing control around him and single-handedly destroying the peace treaty.”

I almost frowned, then stopped. No, I would not think about this. I already knew what needed to be done. “Agreed. But…may I have a few days to handle this in my own way?”

Silence filled the room as the council discussed telepathically. Then Caravass nodded. “Your father will keep you under close supervision until this is accomplished.”

“Thank you.”

“Meeting you has been…insightful.” Caravass nodded at the guard, who opened the door for us again. “I hope to learn much from you and your developments over time.”

I gave a short nod and followed Dad out of the chamber.

We waited in the dank hall as the guard entered the interrogation room. After a few minutes, he led Tristan out.
Tristan's wrists were still cuffed behind his back, but he seemed less sluggish now and able to walk fine. I carefully avoided looking at his face.

Dad put a blindfold over his eyes, checking around the edges to be sure Tristan couldn't see. He repeated the procedure with me. But then Dad did something surprising. He grabbed my wrist, tugged me over a few feet and placed my hand over Tristan's. Tristan's fingers immediately laced and locked with mine.

Had Dad done this to keep Tristan calm and cooperative?

Dad walked behind us, using gentle nudges on our shoulders to guide us back out of the tunnels to the street. The entire time, Tristan's heated grip on my cold hand never loosened.

The vampire inside me wanted him to let go. His touch created too much warmth, steadily melting the chill within me as Dad shepherded us out. How could I stay safe and numb when his skin was so hot against mine, nearly burning me from the contact?

At the car, we paused in the darkness while Dad removed Tristan's cuffs. As soon as we got into the equally dark backseat of the car and could remove our blindfolds, Tristan gathered me to him in a fierce hug.

Dad sat in the front with the driver and raised a black privacy wall between the two halves of the car. Only a small light set into each door panel provided a dim glow as the car began to move forward. Oh, of course. Being a vampire, Dad would be able to hear us if I lost control.

“Are you okay?” Tristan's voice came out muffled in my hair.

“Yes. You?” I felt as if I'd stepped into a bonfire. The heat from his arms around me, his thigh against the side of mine, his chest like a wall of warmth against me, was too much for
the chill inside me to withstand. He bent his head toward me, and I barely had the strength to turn away at the last second so his kiss landed on my cheek instead.

“We'd better not,” I murmured, everything inside me aching to do the exact opposite.

He chuckled. “Oh, yeah. At least not till we find somewhere for me to recharge, huh?”

I tried to swallow down the growing lump in my throat, my eyes burning as badly as if someone had poured chemicals into them. I pressed my face against his chest, focusing on the steady beat of his heart beneath my cheek.

He must have felt the tears soak through his shirt, because he reached up to thumb away a few. “Were you scared?”

That I was going to kill him? “Yes, terrified.” I still was. Thankfully the guard had cleaned the blood off Tristan's neck before releasing him, or I'd be too afraid to risk being alone with him even now. Though every second we were together, I was still tempted to kiss him and drain him even further. So even now, he wasn't safe. Maybe the council had been too lenient in allowing me a few more days with him.

“Don't worry, Sav, it's over now. I'm just glad they let us go without hurting you.”

I nodded and pressed closer to him, enjoying his touch for as long as I could. Because he was right…it was over. At least for us. He just didn't know it yet. As soon as our plane touched down outside of Jacksonville, I would keep my promise and break up with the only boy I had ever loved.

Until then, I would just have to hold on to every last second we had together and pray that it would be enough.

CHAPTER ONE

“Invincible”
by Muse (Savannah and the Brat Twins)

“Rollin in the Deep”
by Adele (Savannah's issues at school)

“Superman”
by Five for Fighting (Tristan's issues)

CHAPTER TWO

“Savin' Me”
by Nickelback (Tristan worries)

“Your Star”
by Evanescence (Savannah learns the truth)

CHAPTER THREE

“Hearing Damage”
by Thom Yorke (Savannah's return)

CHAPTER FOUR

“Radioactive”
by Kings of Leon (Tristan's training)

CHAPTER FIVE

“Everything Changes”
by Staind (Tristan dreams of Savannah)

“Going Under”
by Evanescence (After the recital)

“The Climb”
by Miley Cyrus (Preparing for auditions)

CHAPTER SIX

“Bring on the Rain”
by Jo Dee Messina (After the auditions)

“Mmm…”
by Laura Izibor (Savannah's dream)

“Snow White Queen”
by Evanescence (Savannah's phone chat with Dad)

CHAPTER SEVEN

“Say It Right”
by Nelly Furtado (Savannah's first boyfriend)

“Impossible Dream”
by Luther Vandross (Team theme)

CHAPTER EIGHT

“Leavin'”
by Jessie McCartney (Tristan's jealousy)

“#1 Crush”
by Garbage (Homecoming Dance)

CHAPTER NINE

“Stockholm Syndrome”
by Muse (Breakups and fights)

“Falling Away with You”
by Muse (Tristan's discovery)

CHAPTER TEN

“Sleepwalker”
by Adam Lambert (Savannah's recovery, regrets and resisting temptation)

“Deep”
by Nine Inch Nails (Facing off)

“Stop and Stare”
by OneRepublic (Tristan's punishment)

“Iris”
by The Goo Goo Dolls (Dream connection)

CHAPTER ELEVEN

“Good Girls Go Bad”
by Cobra Starship w. Leighton Meester (At the Sonic)

“Crush”
by David Archuleta (Joining the team)

“What I've Done”
by Linkin Park (Family feud)

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Apologize”
by Timbaland w. OneRepublic (Overdue apologies)

“Nobody Knows”
by P!nk (Dancing in the dark)

“Secrets”
by OneRepublic (Closet kisses)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“Try”
by Asher Book (Date and dancing)

“Love Story”
by Taylor Swift (Dream connection)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

“Escape”
by Enrique Iglesias (Gaze-daze discussion)

“Your Love's a Drug”
by Leighton Meester (Settling in)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

“Bounce”
by Timbaland (Field house faceoff)

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Dear Life”
by Anthony Hamilton (New Year's Eve connection)

“Anywhere”
by Evanescence (Between love and guilt)

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

“System”
by Chester Bennington (Magic and mayhem)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

“24”
by Jem (Going overseas)

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Human”
by Civil Twilight (The test)

“Letters from the Sky”
by Civil Twilight (Leaving Paris)

Q:
Where did your idea for
Crave
and The Clann come from?

A:
I'm a huge reader of vampire and magic-themed romances, but I always found myself wishing that the heroine could be the vampire. Then, in 2008, I thought, wouldn't it be cool if she was the vampire, and the hero was a witch, and their two “species” were mortal enemies? Or even better, what if her family used to be witches, too, and her mother had a
Romeo and Juliet
kind of love story with her dad that produced an outcast who would later find herself in the same situation as her parents? From there, the idea of Savannah and Tristan just wouldn't get out of my head, and they've been there ever since!

Q:
Savannah is a strong and admirable character who faces some really hard choices. What was your inspiration for creating her?

A:
When I was a senior in high school, I began to have a lot of health problems and was diagnosed with lupus, an auto-immune disorder where basically my own immune system attacks itself. At the time, lupus was pretty much unheard of (and to this day I still run into health-care professionals who are unfamiliar with it), so it was hard for me to explain what I was going through and receive much understanding. It was a very lonely and alienating experience.

Being a teen is tough enough; you already tend to feel
like your parents just don't get you. Add to that an illness where your body turns traitor on you with some “weird” disease no one knows much about, and it's too easy to feel cut off from everyone around you. I wanted Savannah to go through something similar…going from “normal” to “freak” in less than a week, battling the feeling that no one around her can understand and wishing she could just be normal again, plus having to face confining rules that go completely against what her heart is telling her to do. In the end she'll find her strength and personal identity again, but it's going to be a long and emotional process, and one that I hope many readers will really be able to identify with and take hope and courage from.

Q:
Sav's friendship with Anne is a source of joy and support for her throughout the book. What do you think is the essence of being a good friend?

A:
Anne is based on my real-life best friend, who showed me the most loyal and true friendship imaginable. During tough times, when I was angry and scared and resentful of anyone who seemed to have it easier, she was there for me, continually reaching out to me. When your whole life seems out of control, an honest and true friend can anchor you to reality and help you see the bigger picture. Friends like that are absolutely priceless!

Q:
You chose to tell
Crave
from both Sav's and Tristan's points of view. How hard was it to switch between them, and how was the experience of writing in Tristan's voice?

A:
I really loved writing from both the male and female points of view. It was so much fun to see a scene two ways. When
I read or watch movies, I do the same thing…imagining what everyone is thinking at that moment. There can be a lot of hilarious confusion just from two people going through the same moment together yet having completely different ideas and understandings of it! I also really enjoy the fact that males and females can be so alike in some ways, such as in our hearts and emotions and needs, yet can think so differently and have completely opposite reactions. My only trouble was in keeping Tristan likable…growing up as a tomboy with three brothers and more guys for friends than girls gave me TOO much of an understanding into how guys think, and it's a constant fine line to make Tristan a realistic Southern teenage boy without making him unlikable!

Q:
Dylan and the Brat Twins enjoy bullying Sav. Sadly, bullying is a problem for many students in schools today. Have you had experience with bullies, and do you have any advice for dealing with them?

A:
As a teen, I actually experienced several of the incidents Savannah goes through in this book. I also know how angry I get at things that scare me. Unfortunately, I didn't have as clear an explanation as she does for the bullying. But at its heart, I think bullying comes from fear and insecurities in the tormentor's mind. Maybe they are going through really bad things at home, or learned how to bully others from their parents or family. In Savannah's case, Dylan and the Brat Twins are acting out of fear (and a little bit of unwanted attraction, on Dylan's part)…they know Savannah is dangerous, and that fear drives them to push her. If they can make her “crack” and show her dangerous side at school, then the Clann will be convinced to kick her out of Jacksonville and away from them.

Q:
Tell us about one of your favorite memories from high school.

A:
It's tough to choose just one favorite memory from high school. I loved the slumber parties and pasture parties my friends and I would have. I really enjoyed serving on the production staff of the annual creative-writing magazine…reading poems and short stories by my peers was such an eye-opening experience, because they gave me amazing insights into people who until then I couldn't relate to at all. But my single favorite moment was the day one of my essays actually made my senior English teacher cry. To be able to move even one reader like that is what makes writing and revisions worth every second!

Q:
We would guess that you've never actually met a vampire or a Clann magic user (but if you have, do tell!). How did you develop the mythology behind their paranormal abilities for
Crave
?

A:
While I've never met a real vampire, I've often felt like one! My Irish ancestry gifted me with super pale skin that is next to impossible to tan but will freckle and burn in a nanosecond…not a great thing when you live in the land of the tan! I also have naturally pointy incisors that I used to get teased about in junior high…like Savannah's mother, I looked like a vampire when vampires weren't cool! LOL. I have pale gray eyes that actually do look more blue, dark gray or green depending on my moods and what I'm wearing. Plus, having lupus means that spending time in the sun can actually make me sick. So while I can't imagine wanting to drink anyone's blood, I can definitely relate to that alien feeling of physically not fitting in with others.

As for magic, seeing ghosts and experiencing bits of ESP does actually run in my family on my mother's side, so it wasn't much of a stretch to take it even further and imagine full-blown magic taking place!

Q:
Tell us a little about your journey to publication. Did you always want to be a writer?

A:
Ever since I taught myself how to read when I was four, I have been fascinated with books and the writer's ability to take their thoughts and share them with others. I have been writing ever since. And yet, there is something about writing fiction that requires a whole new level of courage!

When I was in the sixth grade, I submitted a poem that was chosen for publication in an international anthology. That same year, I also entered an essay contest and won a horse. Afterward, I had a lot of encouragement from family, friends and teachers to keep writing, and I wrote several nonfiction books. But I never believed I could become a published novelist and make an actual career out of it. It took meeting my husband and years of listening to his supportive nagging to finally get the courage to submit a story for publication seventeen years later!

Now I can't seem to STOP writing stories! LOL.

Q:
What advice do you have for aspiring authors?

A:
Believe in yourself. You hear this all the time, but it is absolutely true. If you can't
not
write, if it takes more effort to ignore the stories inside your head than it would to just write them down, then don't wait for others to tell you to go for it. Start writing! Then be prepared to revise, both before and
after your story finds a home. Writing is a solitary pursuit. Getting published is all about teamwork!

Also, don't aim for perfection. If you're like me, you'll find yourself revising the same scenes or even the entire manuscript fifty times, just endlessly tinkering with it while trying to achieve some crazy idea of perfection. There's no such thing! Make it as good as you can
for now
. Learn something new from every story you write so that you're constantly improving and growing as a writer. Read bestsellers by other authors and pay attention to what you like about their stories, but don't ever feel like you need to write just like someone else in order to do well. The world needs more creativity and unique voices! Read the great how-to books on writing out there. But don't let the need for perfection or the fear of not being good enough stop you from actually sending that story out into the world. Do carefully consider what agents and editors tell you. If their suggestions make sense to you and your heart agrees, try them out, then wait a day or two and reread your story to see if it actually is better. If you absolutely can't stand the changes, follow your heart instead, but do at least consider why your editor or agent seems confused as to what you were going for and ways you can reword things for clearer understanding.

And finally, know the premise at the heart of your story! It will save you countless hours of misery and confusion both as you write your story and later during revisions. Hold true to the core point of why you want to tell that particular story, and it will give you clarity throughout every step of the process.