Craving Absolution (22 page)

As the sun lowered and the sky grew dark, I waited for Cody to show up, but he never did. Instead, I was alone in the quiet apartment, throwing up over and over until there was nothing left
, and still the retching continued.

What the hell was taking him so long?

After . . .

Casper

Fuck, I
’d fallen asleep at the club.

I rolled over to grab my ringing phone
, not bothering to check who it was before answering.

“
Yeah?”

“
It’s Gram. Hey, I can’t get a hold of Farrah. Is she with you?”

My body jackknifed into a sitting position, the
worry in Gram’s voice like a bucket of ice water pouring over my head. “No, she’s at home. I slept at the club last night.”

“
Why the hell would you do that?”

“
I had some shit to do here.”

“
Bullshit,” she said. “I knocked on Farrah’s door but she’s not answering. You still have your key?”

“
Yeah, don’t you have one?”

“
Think I mighta left it at Lily’s. I can’t find the damn thing anywhere.”

“
Shit. Okay, I’ll go over there now,” I told her, pulling on my jeans.

“
Hurry, son. Something’s not right.”

“
I’ll have her call you when I get there. I’m sure everything’s fine,” I reassured her before hanging up.

Why the hell wasn
’t Farrah answering her phone? This felt a whole hell of a lot like the shit we used to deal with when she went off the rails; I couldn’t remember the number of times Gram had called me to see if I knew where Farrah was. I usually had, since I’d followed her ass around like a lost puppy.

I knew that Gram hadn
’t consciously appointed me Farrah’s watchdog, but resentment still hit me out of nowhere when I thought about all the time I’d spent chasing after her. I didn’t have time for her shit anymore; bigger things were going on than her finding out her daddy loved her. No, I was worried for no reason. My head was all over the place, but I knew she wouldn’t fall back into her old habits. That wasn’t her anymore.

It only took me about twenty minutes to get to Farrah
’s apartment, and as I opened up the front door, the first thing that hit me was the smell. Fucking disgusting.

Fucking disgusting, but familiar.

Goddamn it.

She
’d thrown up all down the hallway, and I had to breathe through my mouth and step around spots of it on the carpet as I made my way to her bedroom. My emotions were swinging between overwhelming fear that she’d killed herself, and fury that she’d done this again. So when I saw her kneeling in front of the toilet, safe and looking like shit, fury won out.

I laid into her, pissed as hell and completely unfiltered. What the fuck was she doing to herself? She
’d promised that she was done with the drugs and booze, yet here she was, too fucking wasted to even make it to the bathroom before losing her shit. I vaguely wondered who she’d been partying with, but had to focus on anything else when the thought of her being trashed with some other guy made me see red. What the fuck was I doing?

She wasn
’t answering me, too drunk or high or whatever the fuck she was to give me a coherent answer, and I’d had enough.

Why the hell was I even still standing in her apartment? With absolute certainty, I knew that I
’d never again be the guy that watched her get so wasted that she couldn’t hold up her own head. I couldn’t do it. My head was fucked up enough; my dreams the night before filled with the woman I’d killed. I couldn’t be Farrah’s fucking savior again.

Frankly, I just didn
’t have it in me, and I hated myself for it.

I turned and walked out the door, ignoring her as she tried to call me back. We
’d been down that road before, her begging me in her drunken stupor to take care of her, to love her, to make everything better. Hadn’t she figured it out yet? I didn’t make shit better. I could barely take care of my fucking self; taking care of someone else was completely beyond my capability.

I hated to do it, but I decided I
’d call Gram. She could take care of it so I could stay far, far away from it.

I left the door unlocked as I left her apartment, but I couldn
’t make myself leave once I’d climbed on my bike. My hands were shaking so badly, it looked like I was having a seizure. I needed to go back up there. I did. She needed me, and I’d left her. Could I really make myself leave when she was in that shape? God, it had been worse than I’d ever seen her.

I loved her so much, and my determination to let her figure her own shit out was faltering. Maybe it was just a small setback. Maybe I
’d misunderstood. No, no, I couldn’t think like that. I knew what I’d seen. But if I took care of her this time—from the very beginning, instead of cleaning up after her—maybe I could stop it before it got bad.

I shouldn
’t have left her the day before. I’d been selfish, needing a little time to myself, and I’d spent the day on my bike instead of making sure she was okay. I’d known that whatever went on with Slider would mess with her head, but I’d been too stuck on my own shit that I hadn’t given it a second thought when I’d left her standing in the middle of her kitchen.

Had I done this? Had she needed me and I hadn
’t seen it? She’d seemed okay when she’d left Slider’s room the day before, but I knew, I
fucking knew
how well Farrah hid her emotions. I should have taken better care of her. I should have looked below the surface.

Goddam
n it.

I climbed back off my bike and froze as I watched Gram leave her apartment and run toward Farrah
’s, her cell phone pressed to her ear.

Jesus Christ.

I started running.

Gram left the door wide open behind her, and I raced through the apartment, ignoring the mess as I made it back to Farrah
’s bedroom.

She was on the floor and she wasn
’t moving.

“
Where the fuck were you?” Gram yelled, brushing Farrah’s tangled hair away from her face. “I asked you to check on her!”

“
I did.” My mind spun as I tried to process what I was seeing. Farrah was on her side, breathing slowly, her skin clammy and pale, but that wasn’t what had caught my attention.

Her belly was rounded, thicker, and her tits were too.

No.

I dropped to my knees.

No!

“
You left her like this? What the hell is the matter with you?”

“
I didn’t—” I felt my chest heaving, unable to catch my breath. “I thought—”

“
Goddamn it, Cody,” Gram said tersely as the sounds of an ambulance grew closer. “I warned you! I specifically warned you about taking off when she needed you.” Her voice rose with every word. “You can’t keep running off when shit gets hard!”

I made a noise in my
throat, somewhere between a moan and a sob, and moved closer to Farrah. “You’re okay, Ladybug,” I whispered, ignoring Gram as I lifted Farrah from the floor, making her whimper. “You’re okay. I’ve got you, baby.”

We
’d just climbed to our feet, Farrah in my arms, when the paramedics came through the front door. It felt like it took them hours to place her on the stretcher and strap her down, and she moaned deeply as they forced her body to flatten out. She’d been curled around our baby in the fetal position, and even though she wasn’t conscious, she was somehow aware that whatever protection she’d been providing to our child was being taken away.

“
One person can ride with her,” the lady paramedic informed us.

Gram spoke up immediately.
“I’ll go. Cody, your sister’s next door with Will. Go get her and follow us there.”

I wanted to be the one with Farrah, bu
t I think I was still too shell-shocked to argue as they left the apartment—taking the love of my life with them.

Farrah

I woke up slowly, memories of fading in and out of consciousness after Cody left me filtering into my mind.

Shit.

I barely remembered being in an ambulance with Gram, and then the bright lights and water
-stained ceiling of the hospital before everything went blank. My hand automatically went to my waist, the IVs in my arm pulling at my skin as I reached it.

Thank God. My belly was still tight. That meant she was still in there, right? I would have felt it if she
were gone.

My eyes opened slowly, and I took in the room around me. It looked
a lot like Slider’s had, and I had the fleeting thought that we were in the same hospital, before movement from the side of my bed caught my attention.

“
Hey, Ladybug.” Cody’s voice was quiet, and I squeezed my eyes shut at the pain in his voice. “I’m so glad you’re awake.”

“
What happened?” My voice was scratchy as I tried to form the words, and my mouth was dry as hell.

“
I’m going to tell the nurses you’re awake,” he said, unfolding himself from the chair.

“
No. Just—the baby?” I asked, reaching out to grab his arm.

His face fell, his eyebrows drawing together over bloodshot eyes.

Oh God.

“
The baby’s fine, Ladybug,” he finally rasped. “Let me go get the nurse.”

My breath left me in a huge whoosh, making pain radiate from my torso, and I froze as I tried to ride it out. Fuck, that had hurt. I was too afraid to lift the plain white blanket covering me to see what had caused the ridiculous amount of pain, so instead I just relaxed into the bed and waited for the door to open again.

“Dude, you could have just told me you needed some attention,” Callie called out as she walked in a few minutes later, a nurse and doctor following her into the room. “You didn’t need to be so dramatic.”

I gave her a small smile as they surrounded the bed, and her returning smile couldn
’t hide her worry as she grasped my hand.

“
What’s up, Doc?” I asked dryly, causing Callie to snicker next to me.

“
Looks like you’re feeling better,” the doctor answered with a smile.

“
Define better.” I wrinkled my nose. “I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

He
sat down gingerly at the edge of my bed as the nurse adjusted the tubes hooked up to me. “So, I’m not sure how much you remember, but when you got here you were in pretty bad shape.”

“
Yeah, I kinda figured that with all the passing out and stuff,” I quipped, going silent as Callie’s hand gave mine a warning squeeze. Shit, I hated doctors, and even though I knew he was trying to help, my natural inclination to be a smartass was rearing its ugly head.

“
Your grandmother thought at first that you were having a miscarriage, but thankfully that wasn’t the case,” he went on as if I hadn’t said anything. “You actually had a pretty bad case of appendicitis, and we had to take you into surgery to remove your appendix. We went in laparoscopically, and everything went beautifully.”

“
The baby’s okay?” I asked, letting it sink in that I hadn’t been losing her like I’d thought.

“
Baby is just fine,” he assured me, resting his hand on my ankle comfortingly. “Appendectomies are actually one of the most common reasons for surgery in pregnant women. It happens, and you aren’t the first one, or even the fifteenth one I’ve done.”

“
Oh, okay, good,” I mumbled. “Are you sure everything’s okay, though? Because I haven’t been to the doctor yet, and I didn’t know I was pregnant for like, a long time, and I haven’t taken any vitamins and—”

He squeezed my ankle gently, making me pause in my rambling.

“Hey, Sam?” he called out to the nurse. “Why don’t you go grab the ultrasound machine in room four and bring it in here. I think Mama’s gonna feel a whole lot better if she can see her baby safe and sound.”

With a nod and a smile, Nurse Sam left the room, passing by Cody and Gram as they filed in the door. Gram had a huge relieved smile on her face as she came closer to kiss me, but Cody
’s face was tight, his eyes focused on the way the doctor’s hand still wrapped around my ankle.

“
Hey, good timing,” I rasped, bringing Cody’s attention to my face. “The nurse just left to get the ultrasound machine so we can see the baby.”

His face lost a little of the harshness, and his
lips lifted up in a small smile as he moved toward me. Gram and Callie took a step back as he reached the bed, and after Cody gave the doctor a pointed look, he stood up and moved back too.

“
Hi,” Cody whispered, leaning in to kiss my lips gently. “Sorry I freaked when you woke up.”

“
That’s okay,” I whispered back.

“
I know I fucked up, Ladybug.”

He sighed as he rested his forehead against mine, and the entire room faded away as I reached up and gently cupped the side of his head.

“Shhh, let’s just see our baby, right now. Okay? We’ll deal with all of that later.”

“
I fuckin’ left—”

“
No. We’re not doing this right now, okay, handsome? Right now, we’re going to see our baby.”

His breath shuddered out against my mouth, and I couldn
’t help myself as I reached up to give him another soft, closed-mouth kiss.

“
Here we go!” Nurse Sam called out as she pushed the machine into the room.

“
Will you be able to tell if it’s a boy or a girl?” Callie asked excitedly, her hand on her own belly in a gesture I was becoming very familiar with.

“
Callie?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.

“
Yeah, we just found out a few days ago,” she answered with a dreamy smile.

“
You bitch! You stole my thunder!” I teased, making everyone in the room burst out laughing.

“
You’re gonna beat me, though, obviously,” she replied as the nurse pulled my gown up and the blankets down, baring my belly and the small incisions there.

“
Not unless I’m having twins. You’ve already got Will,” I grumbled as the nurse squirted lube on my belly. Nasty.

“
Nope, just one in there,” the doctor informed me, rubbing the little ultrasound wand over my belly gently. Suddenly, a rhythmic
whoosh whoosh whoosh
filled the room, making Cody go still beside me.

“
That’s your baby’s heartbeat. Nice and strong,” the doctor said.

Cody leaned in and rested half of his ass on the bed beside me, as Gram and Callie huddled in close so we could all see the monitor. Slowly, the unmistakable shape of a baby formed on the screen, and tears filled my eyes.

“The baby’s measuring about fifteen weeks. That sound about right?” the doctor asked, moving the wand a little more so we could see the profile of its tiny little face.

“
What? Oh yeah. Maybe,” I answered, too enthralled with the picture on the screen to care what he was talking about.

“
It’s a little early still, but if we can get a good look, would you like to know what you’re having? Baby seems pretty active, we might get a peek.”

“
Yes!” Cody and I both answered, causing the doctor and nurse to laugh.

“
Okay, so the heart is the little thing that sort of looks like it’s blinking,” the doctor explained. “Baby’s looking really good. Oh, look, he’s saying hi.”

The baby
’s hand was waving around near its face, and I watched in awe as the hand moved toward its mouth. Whoa. Apparently babies sucked on their fingers in the womb.

“
It’s a boy?” Cody asked, his fingers lacing with mine.

“
Oh no, that was a slipup. It’s hard calling babies ‘it’ when you’ve been doing this as long as I have. I’m normally not the one who does these ultrasounds, and I guess I’m not very good at watching my words,” he told us ruefully. “Okay, let’s see if we can figure out the gender.”

The wand moved across my belly and I tensed in pain, but I didn
’t stop him. I was on pins and needles, waiting to hear if we were having a girl or a boy. When the doctor finally paused, he clicked a couple things on the little keyboard in front of him, typing out a little message across the top of the screen.

“
You see those three little lines?” he asked, a smile in his voice as the words on the screen finally formed a sentence.

I
’m a girl!

Holy shit
. We were having a girl. My face felt like it was going to split in two as I turned my head to Cody.

His gaze was frozen on the screen.

“We’re having a girl,” I told him, squeezing his hand in mine. He took a deep breath, and his eyes moved to mine for just a second before he bent almost completely in half so he could push his face into the side of my neck.

“
Hey? Hey, baby, we’re fine,” I whispered, my eyes glancing to the people surrounding us.

They must have read the message in my gaze, because the nurse wiped my belly
quickly and pulled up my blankets before they all left the room in a rush. When it was just us, I gingerly scooted my body away from Cody to give him more room on the bed.

“
Come on, lay down with me,” I ordered, using the hand not trapped between us to rub over his head.

“
You could have died,” he said softly, aligning his body with mine as he lay down beside me. “I left you there and you both could have died.”

“
We didn’t,” I whispered back.

“
I left you.” He leaned up until we were nose to nose, still whispering.

“
You came back.”

“
I didn’t make it farther than the parking lot.”

“
Of course you didn’t.”

“
I’m so sorry.”

“
I
knew you were sorry before
you
did.”

H
e dropped his head and ran his nose up the side of mine, and I couldn’t stop the sob that rose in my throat.

“
I love you so much, Ladybug.” He still whispered, but his voice seemed stronger somehow. “I can’t believe we made a baby.”

“
Me either. I was freaking clueless for months.”

“
No shit? I thought you just waited to tell me.” He chuckled softly.

“
Yeah, I just thought I was getting fat.”

“
You’re not fat.”

“
Well, I know that
now
.”

We smiled at each other for a moment, reveling in our news and the fact that we were finally lying in a bed together—even
if it was a hospital bed—before his face fell again.

“
I’ll make it up to you,” he told me earnestly. “I promise. I won’t ever leave you again.”

“
Okay.” I took a deep breath of relief as he leaned down to rest his head next to mine on the pillow.

Did I forgive him? How could I not? I knew what it had looked like
, what he’d walked in on. The truth was that sometimes in life, there was just too much history to get past. He’d seen too much and been through too much with me to ever fully trust me again, and I completely understood it.

I knew he loved me
as much as I loved him. But that didn’t mean that someday, something like this wouldn’t happen again.

I
’d forgive him then too.

I
’d never hold it against him, because I knew without a doubt that at some point in our future, he was going to run again. It was what he did when things got to be too much for him.

So
I couldn’t fault him for not trusting me, because I didn’t trust him either.