Craving Constellations (5 page)

When her eyes lit on mine, I finally understood why I couldn’t move, why my chest felt like it was going to explode, and why I was as silent as she was. I knew the reason she didn’t look like Brenna. She surprised everyone in the courtyard by reaching her hands toward me. She didn’t say a word, but her intention was clear. Poet looked back and forth between the two of us several times before realization dawned. The fury on his face would have concerned me if I was aware of it, but as I took her into my arms, she was my sole focus. Her face was mine. Her dark brown eyes were mine. The dimple that showed when she bit the inside of her cheek was mine. She was mine. She didn’t look like her mother because she was a replica of me.

Fuckin’ Brenna. The fuckin’ bitch had kept my kid from me.

When Dragon and Trix walked through the door, my breath caught on a painful gasp. How many times had I dreamed of this? It was both a nightmare and a fantasy. I’d ached for him while my belly grew, when I felt little arms and legs reaching for the surface, when I went into labor far too soon, when they put my face under the mask and asked me to count backward, and when I woke up after my emergency C-section. The first time I’d held our child to my breast, and every moment, every milestone, every smile Trix had given me reminded me of him.

He’d been the face I sought in my memory every time my husband hit me. Every time I thought I had reached my breaking point, I’d pictured the crinkles at the sides of his eyes and the feel of his beard on my neck. He’d been my strength but also the reason I had waited so long to leave. I’d used him to keep me strong because the man I had known would have been everything I needed. He was also everything we had to stay away from. This life was not what I wanted for my girl, and I knew once he saw her, we would never be able to leave—ever.

I sat motionless as I watched Trix with her arms wrapped tightly around Dragon’s neck. Had she ever held anyone but me like that? I didn’t think so. As soon as she caught a glimpse of me, she wiggled to be let down. Dragon held her a little tighter, and she turned to him with a questioning gaze. He finally gave her back a little rub and set her on the hardwood floor.

“Mama!” she called quietly as she ran to the bed.

Before she could reach me, Pop raised his arm as if to slow her down. “Be careful, lass!”

Trix stopped instantly. It would have been comical if not for the sheer terror on her face, her little arms quickly shielding her head. She looked at me for direction.

“Aw, Pop,” I whispered, “my girl is always careful. Aren’t you, baby? Climb on up here with Mama. I need a snuggle from my favorite girl.”

She hesitated for a moment before rushing toward me again. I felt Pop’s body tense as she stumbled, but she did exactly as I knew she would. As soon as she reached the side of the bed, opposite of Pop, she slowed to a crawl and gingerly climbed up next to me.

“There’s my girl. Mama fell asleep. Did you see that outside? I’m such a dork. We’ve been driving so long, and once we got here, I just fell right asleep in my pop’s arms, just like you do with me! I’m sorry if you got scared, honey. Did I freak you out?”

She was so snug against me, and I couldn’t see her face, but I felt her slowly nod her head into my side.

“Ah, well, there’s nothing to be scared of here. This is my pop’s house. Remember I told you about him and his long beard that’s just like Santa? You can just stay right here by me for a while until you get comfortable, yeah? Then, maybe we can go outside and play for a bit,” I whispered to her.

While I spoke softly to Trix, Dragon watched us from the doorway. I could feel his gaze on me, but I stubbornly refused to look up. Call it cowardice, but I wasn’t ready to see his reaction to Trix. I knew he was pissed, and frankly, I had enough on my plate at the moment.

For a couple of minutes, we all sat in silence, and I used that time to take inventory of Pop’s room. Other than the god-awful yellow walls, things hadn’t changed much. While I was growing up, we’d had a house in town, so I’d rarely seen the inside of this room. The few times I had been in here, I’d tried to memorize everything.

Pop had bookshelves filled to overflowing with everything from Tolstoy to Kerouac. That was how he’d gotten his name. I never knew what he did in Ireland or how he’d ended up here. We didn’t speak of it, but I knew that the old president had started calling him Poet because of the books he carried around folded in half in the back pocket of his jeans. The man may have spent his life running guns, but he sure as hell was well-read.

Trix finally raised her head from my armpit and started talking. I thought she was trying to whisper, but as any parent with a four-year-old knew, four-year-old whispering was her talking at a normal level with her hand covering half of her face.

“Is that Dragon? Like you told me? The Dragon that rides on a motorcycle? He said his name was Dragon.” She paused for a second, her little eyebrows raised to her wispy hairline. “Is it?”

At her words, Dragon took two steps into the room and then stopped. I slowly lifted my head and met his eyes, but I couldn’t read his expression. “Yeah, baby,” I replied, not looking away from his face, “he’s the one I told you about.” For a moment, I thought I saw surprise and a flash of pain, but whatever emotions he was feeling were quickly masked.

“Okay. Who’s that?” she whispered again, pointing at my father.

“Ah, that’s my pop. Your gramps. I bet if you said hello he’d give you a licorice.”

As long as I could remember, Pop had carried around little ropes of licorice, and I hoped that little habit hadn’t changed. Licorice was Trix’s favorite. I loved it that she shared that with Pop, and I’d been giving them to her since she could chew them. When we were away, it made me feel like they had a connection somehow even though I’d never expected for them to meet.

“Well, now, I do believe I have a piece here somewhere…” he muttered, patting his pockets as if searching.

I could tell that Trix was trying to work up the courage to say something. Her little body was wiggling in anticipation as she sat at my side. Finally, Pop grabbed a piece of candy off the top of his nightstand and looked expectantly at Trix.

“Hi, Gramps,” she said quietly and then held out her hand, waiting for her treat.

“Well, there you go, pretty girl. You want another, you’re going to have to get out from under your ma’s arm there. Ya can’t be getting the sheets all messy, or I’ll be sticking to them for a month!” he exclaimed with raised eyebrows.

Trix giggled softly next to me. It was my absolute favorite sound in the world, and I could tell Pop was thrilled he was wearing her down. Trix was funny. She had always been very shy around people she didn’t know until I gave her the all clear. Once that happened, she warmed up to them pretty quickly. Her trust in me was absolute, and after the week we’d had, I wondered if her trust was misplaced. It had always been harder for her to warm up to men for obvious reasons, but the fact that I was so comfortable with Pop must have made her feel secure. She had surprised me with Dragon though. I was definitely not comfortable around him. However, since they walked in and he put her down, she’d been glancing his way as if waiting for him to speak. I couldn’t even wrap my head around the fact that she had been clinging to him like a damn spider monkey when they walked in.

After a few minutes of talking to each other, Pop and Trix decided it was time to go get a soda and find something to do outside.

“Give your mum a kiss there, Trix, and we’ll go find ya something to play with. Your mum needs to rest.”

Panicked, I looked at Pop, trying to find a reason for them to stay with me. I opened my mouth to say something, anything, but Pop stopped me with one look.
Shit
. He wasn’t going to let me put this off. I realized then that Pop had said Trix was “out with the boys” earlier, but she had really been outside with Dragon. He had lied, and I knew there had to be a reason. He knew. I thought I’d have more time to prepare myself—to prepare Pop—and then ease my way into telling him. He must have been pissed when he realized. Screwing a member’s daughter was one of the worst things a brother could do, right behind being a rat and screwing their old lady. It was an issue of respect. You didn’t touch something that didn’t belong to you. Dragon was in huge shit, and I’d just put him there. Well, to be honest, I’d put him there five years ago.

Once Trix and Pop left the room, the silence was deafening. I wasn’t sure what to say without sounding like a complete idiot, so I just kept quiet. However, the longer I stayed quiet, the more oppressive the quiet became. I looked anywhere but at the man standing inside the doorway. I was hoping if I just ignored him, he’d go away, and I wouldn’t have to deal with anything yet. When he finally spoke, I jumped in surprise and clenched my teeth.

“She’s mine?” His voice was low and guttural.

“She…” I whispered then cleared my throat. Then, I cleared it again. Why couldn’t I just say it? “She’s…yes, she’s yours.”

We both knew the answer before I said it. It was obvious by looking at her, but when he heard my confirmation, he lost it. He swung around and punched right through the drywall next to the doorway. He punched it twice more before turning back around. Then, he stalked toward me. I had never been afraid of him even though I knew the life he’d lived. This club was my home, and anything that happened behind the barbed wire fences was familiar. Violence was a way of life here, but it wasn’t the out of control madness I had been living with. It was passionate, not methodical, and always, always under control. It was a violence that I understood. Only the strong survived here, survival of the fittest. That was why when he grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the headboard, I just swallowed nervously and waited.

“You fuckin’ cunt! You come back here, shaking your college ass, begging for a fuck. You don’t tell me who the fuck you are. So, I wake up the next morning to find you out with your fuckin’ daddy, who happens to be my vice president. That shit is so fucked. It might as well be a death sentence, and you fuckin’ knew it. But as scared as I am, I’m willing to fuckin’ lay it all out. Make you my old lady. Make it right. All of a sudden though, you’re fuckin’ gone. You just leave without one fuckin’ word to me. I’m left here, holding my dick and thanking fuckin’ Christ that I didn’t say anything to Poet. Fuckin’ gone for five years. No one hears from you. Now, you come back, and I find out you had my daughter and didn’t tell me FOR FIVE FUCKIN’ YEARS?” His voice was steadily rising, and by the time he finished, he was roaring in my face.

“Some other guy has been playing Daddy to my daughter?”

I could feel my pulse pounding under his fingers where his hand had slowly tightened. In all my years growing up surrounded by badass bikers, I’d never seen anyone so angry. Tears were silently rolling down my face. I knew why he was so angry. I knew, and I had always known what I’d done when I left. He’d never had a family until the club, and when I left him, I’d left him not only on shaky ground with the only family he had, but I’d also taken his unborn child with me. It was an unforgivable sin, and in that moment, I was completely ashamed.

His hand was still around my throat, his face inches from mine when we heard a throat clearing from the doorway. I was afraid to look away from Dragon’s face as I heard an old familiar voice.

I could barely see Grease from the corner of my eye, and with what little thought I could spare, I was surprised at how big he’d grown. The boy I’d remembered was never scrawny but definitely lean in build. The guy was now built like a tank. His shoulders barely fit in the doorway.

“Dragon, brother, we need to ride. We need to be in Boise by morning. We just got the call.” Grease paused like he wanted to say something else, but instead, he just told Dragon, “I’ll meet you outside.”

The hand at my throat loosened a little and then tightened again as if it had a mind of its own. Then, I felt each finger slowly loosen again until he completely let go.

“Don’t you fuckin’ go anywhere, Brenna.” He pointed a finger inches away from my nose. “I might have let you go before, but that was before I knew about her. If you leave, I’ll find you. You don’t want me to fuckin’ chase you. You don’t wanna see what I’ll do if I have to chase your ass.”

With those parting words, he stormed out of the bedroom.

It was official.

I was screwed.