CRAVING U (The Rook Café) (45 page)

“Ignore him!”  Pão intervened swiftly,
smiling and angelic, justifying his Brazilian brother.  “You’ll have to excuse
him, he doesn’t speak Italian so well.  You were incredible tonight,” he said,
complimenting her as he walked off with Ninho.  “Really incredible.  Nicole was
my favorite character,” he gushed.

“What a couple of dorks!” she laughed,
making fun of them.   Then Matteo gently squeezed her forearm and looked at her
with all the love he could muster.  “Everything OK?”

“You don’t need to defend me.”  Marika
rejected his attempt to be sweet.  “Your friend is right....”  She was just a
stumbling block for him – bulky, intrusive, unavoidable: everything she had
always hoped never to become.  “What are you doing here, Matteo?”

“Stop talking like that!”  He squeezed his
hand tighter on her arm, trying to get the words out.  “I was just confused.” 
He had been wandering lost along the road of doubts for so long, but it had led
him back to her.  “We’ve known each other for so long, and I never thought this
could happen.”

“Was it so terrible?”  Her acid tone shook
their souls to the core.

“I was afraid of you.”  From the back of
the theater, other presences were about to erupt into their private drama.  “I’ve
always been in control of myself, but with you I feel... vulnerable... and it
scared the hell out of me.”

“Are you scared of me now?”  She wanted
the truth.

“More than ever.”  He had lowered his
guard, putting himself at her mercy, because running away had only served to
make him understand that he could never run away from who he was.  “I was a
coward, it’s true, but don’t use it against me.  Don’t take cover behind my own
weaknesses.”  Matteo took her trembling hands into his, hypnotizing her with
his one-of-a-kind smile.  “You’re so beautiful I can hardly stand it.”  His
gaze lowered to her lips.  “It hurts just standing here, looking at you.”

Marika was floating on air, lost in the
blue skies of his eyes, when Federico stepped in, slipping an arm around her
waist.  “Then stop looking at her.”

“You be quiet.”  They both took their
hands away from Marika.  “You took advantage of my absence to hit on my....” 
Matteo cut himself off before saying something that crossed all boundaries,
realizing that he was about to say
my...??
  They had been friends for so
long that only by being away from her had he realized what Marika truly meant
for him.  He quickly adjusted his phrase.  “To hit on her.”

“First of all, she has never been yours,
because you never wanted her....”  Federico counted out the accusations on his
fingers.  “And second, we all know how these things go with guys like you.” 
Federico was lumping him in with an entire category of men, and his meaning was
clear: Marika was just a plaything for him, and nothing more.

“Don’t you dare judge me, you don’t know
anything about me and my life.”  Having been reduced to a cultural cliché,
Matteo rejected the insinuation of sins that he hadn’t committed.  “And I don’t
remember hearing her ask your opinion on the matter.”  They squared off.

“Can you please go wait outside with the
others?”  Marika slipped between them.  She didn’t want either of them to make
her choices for her.  “Please, Fede?”

“Marika, think carefully about what you’re
doing.”  He didn’t want to leave her there.  He knew her feelings, and he was
afraid of them.  “With him, it’s always going to be like having a part-time
boyfriend, a half-love, an unfinished romance.”

“Why do you hate him so much?”  They were
speaking as if Matteo weren’t there.

“I don’t hate him at all.”  Federico
stared into her eyes, forcing her to do the same.  “I just think that there can
never be anything real between the two of you.”

“Because you think I’m not good enough for
him?!”  Her sense of inferiority was the emergency brake on her love.

“Because I’m sure that you’re too good for
him.”  His gaze didn’t waver, ignoring everything else around.

“That’s the only thing we agree on.” 
Matteo was quivering, and drew Marika’s astonished attention back toward him,
before she was once again kidnapped by Federico’s voice and his tacit promise
to dedicate his entire life to her: “Come away with me now.”  It was much more
than a soccer player at the beginning of his career could ever offer her.

“Give me one more minute alone with him.” 
She smiled at him as she asked that sacrifice.  “Nothing’s going to change. 
Trust me.”

The young musician didn’t put up any
resistance this time, conquering his desire to stay at her side.  “I do trust
you,” he whispered, pulling her against him before disappearing behind the
heavy blackout curtains.

“Federico is important to me.”  Marika
turned around, finding Matteo’s gaze still fixed on her.  “He’s always been
there for me.”  She was so deeply tied to that sweet guy with the straightened
bangs and melodious voice, whom she owed so much to.  “But you?  Where were
you?” she moaned,
“where were you when I didn’t even know who I was anymore?
” 
She watched him take her blows without reacting.  “He really cares about me,
and he likes me for who I am.  And he does it without any big drama.”  But with
Matteo, it was like you were being constantly disappointed, only to become weak
in the knees just because he smiled at you when you least expected it.

“OK, that’s fair.”  He cleared his voice. 
“He stayed and I left.  He was there for you when you needed it, and I wasn’t. 
But I’m here now!”  His passion was astounding.  “Don’t punish me for having
tried not to hurt you, because the only thing that was wrong between us was the
moment.”  Matteo sank down onto the red velvet armrest of a theater seat,
massaging the back of his neck.  “But what’s important here isn’t what I want
or what he wants.  All that matters is what you want.”

“Why?  What do you want?”  Marika didn’t
move any closer to him so as not to end up in his arms.

“I want you.”  His confession burned with
inner heat.  “I want to be with you.”  Love pulsated through the air, thrust
forward by his body as he moved toward her.  “I want to kiss you....”  Their
breath mingled in the pleasure of that insatiable sin.  “But I don’t want to
kiss you like the first time, rushing at you blindly... I want you to want it
as much as I do.”

“And you only realize this now... now that
there’s Federico?!”  Marika pulled away, hoping he would drag her back.  “You
sure you don’t just want revenge for that damn match against
Dogado
?”

Matteo shook his head, coming closer
again, forcing her to retreat against the wall.

“You hate being shown up by him twice,” she
said, trembling.  “You never did like to lose.”  The power to claim your
rightful place in this world is within everyone’s grasp, you just have to
listen to what your heart is saying; but not everyone is brave enough to let
themselves be guided unconditionally by the heart.  “You’re still confused. 
Utterly confused.”  Marika lowered her eyes so as not to look at him.  “And to
tell you the truth, so am I... because I’m not sure any more that there really
is something between us.”

“You are the realest thing that has ever
existed in my life.”  His words were like stolen lines from poetry inscribed on
the soul.  “I can’t even imagine living without you.”  Because she was that
part of him that he would never freely let go of.

“Matteo, Marika!”  They had formed a
soundproof bubble around themselves to keep the rest of the world and its
demands out.  Like the one coming from Dario now, who was desperately trying to
break in.  “Matteo!”  But he was invisible to their eyes, and mute to their
ears.  “HEY!” he shouted at the top of his lungs.

“What do you want?” Matteo said from the
side of his mouth, never taking his eyes or body away from her.

“Your father just called.”  Dario cleared
his voice, speaking directly to his friend.  “Your phone was off, or there’s no
coverage in here or something, so he called me.”

“So?” he said, showing no signs of
interest.

“
San Carlo
called.  It was Braidi.” 
He watched as tension ran across both of their faces.  “They’ve made their
decision.  You’re in!”  His friend couldn’t contain his excitement, though
Matteo showed nothing more than stupor.  “You’re a
Corsair
now!”  In an
instant, the rest of their crew had surrounded them, chanting, whooping, and
hollering in joy.

Matteo turned to look at Marika, who was
paralyzed, and staring into space.

“Matteo!  Hello?”  Dario was trying to get
his attention again.  “Did you hear me?”  He smiled at all of their friends
surrounding him.  “Beretta called you up.  You leave in a few weeks.”

Marika covered her mouth with one hand,
unable to believe what was happening around her.  “Congratulations.”  Her voice
broke as she gave her farewell and rushed off.

“Wait!  Stop!”  Matteo caught her and
pulled her away from the others.  “Playing soccer is what I do best, and you
know that as well as anyone.  But maybe what you still don’t know is that you
are everything for me.”  His skin was hot and trembling.  “Don’t ask me to
choose between you, I’m begging you.”

“You’re pathetic.” Her irises dissolved
into hazel and musk.  “You’ve already chosen.”

“No, don’t do that!  Marika, don’t play
that game with me.”  An unfamiliar chill took over his body, burning him from
the inside out.  “Otherwise we’re just going to hurt each other.”  His clear
eyes glowed like incandescent ice.  “Don’t ask me to give it all up unless that’s
really what you want, because I could do it for you.”  He knew that he could
leave it all behind if that’s what she asked of him.  “Look at me!”  He was
offering her more than she had the right to expect.  “Forget
San Carlo
for just one second and tell me what you feel.”

She couldn’t look him in the eyes and say
goodbye.  Her conscience told her to let him go, to step aside, but every cell
of her body was screaming at her to take her soulmate into her arms and lose
herself in their celestial embrace.  “Well..., I....”  Out of the corner of her
eye, she noticed Federico waiting for her at the exit.

“Otherwise, just hurry up and tell me what
you have to tell me.”  Matteo had misunderstood that glance toward the door,
and was begging her to put him out of his misery.  “Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m not worried about you, actually.” 
One last jab to knock him out.  “I’m not important enough to hurt you.

His lips became a single thin line.  “You
just did.”  Matteo took his head in his hands and sadly moved away from her.  “So
that’s how it ends, huh?  You have nothing left to say?”  He was panting, but
she looked at him and pretended not to see him suffer.  “Wow!” he gasped,
taking his eyes from her face but without trying to hide the tears that were
forming.  “Well then... see ya’, Marika.”

“
What do you mean, see ya’?!  Of course
I have something to tell you, you idiot!
” she wanted to scream at the top
of her lungs as she watched him walk away. 
“I love you!
”  It was all he
had ever hoped to hear.  But the deck had been stacked against them from the
very beginning.  “
You can’t even imagine how much I want to tell you that,
to keep you here with me, hug you, kiss you, love you
.”  She was torturing
herself, her senses dulled.  “
And I would do so even without asking your
permission, if only I were certain that it’s not just my ego talking
.”

“Let him go, he’ll get over it.”  Carlotta
put an arm around her shoulder.  “After tonight, I won’t bother you any more
about Matteo,” she said, pulling Marika out of the theater.  “You obviously don’t
love him any more.”

“
I what?
”  The ground beneath her
feet was crumbling as she crossed the threshold between dream and nightmare,
fully realizing now what an unholy, absurd front she had put up... Oh what had
she done?  A fatal, cutting blow without anyone else to blame; no criminal who
was guilty of that hell, because the hand that was holding the bloody weapon
was her own.  And if Carlotta had reached that false conclusion, then even
Matteo must believe in the same lie, the one that had snuffed out the dreams of
both of them forever!

The state exams came and went, as did her
18th birthday, celebrated quietly, but there was no more news of him.  Some
said that he had gone on vacation with his teammates before the team retreat in
Val Seriana at the end of July, others claimed that he had already moved to
Milan. But the only certain thing was that Matteo was no longer there.

After that evening, many things changed,
caught up in the fallout of an atomic bomb that had set off a chain reaction
that destroyed everything in a radius of 100 miles.  The only explosive that
didn’t go off was in the Vendramini house: her parents, in fact, moved by pity
for a daughter who was equal parts immature and stupid, didn’t blow up when
they discovered her intention of spending the night in Marostica, at Eve’s
house. They did nothing more than express their disappointment over having been
lied to twice – they had also found out about her weekend escape to Marostica
during the mini tournament organized by Matteo at Pellico High.  But they
supported her unconditionally all the same, because there was nothing, no
matter how bad or despicable, that they wouldn’t be able to understand.  They
insisted on being introduced to the
S in S
, and, as might have been
expected, Marika’s mother immediately fell in love with Eve and, even more
surprisingly, with Federico, who she declared was a good kid with a bright
future once she discovered that he had just graduated from high school with an
A average in classical studies.