Crimson Death (33 page)

I must have lost a few minutes fighting for control, because when I could “see” the room again Nathaniel and Bobby Lee were standing beside each other, not fighting. Damian must have handed his blade over to Domino, because he was holding a naked blade, and he had a gun still nicely holstered and visible.

Damian said, his voice calm and even, the way you talk someone down off a ledge, “I don't know what made me draw my knife on Bobby Lee, so I gave it to Domino until we figure this out.”

I nodded, and let out a long, slow breath. My beasts were still huddled around my anger, eager to make it worse, so they could come out to play. The newest beast, the rat with its black eyes shining in the dark, wasn't getting along well with everyone else. Rats would eat anything, including people, but they were prey animals, too. My beasts didn't like having food inside with them, especially food that they couldn't rend and tear and eat.

We'd wanted to give me a beast that could come and help me in its natural form if I lost all my guards, but no one had asked how my inner leopard, wolf, lion, hyena, and rainbow of tigers felt about adding a new beast. It had never occurred to me to go into meditation as I'd been taught by my spiritual mentor, Marianne, and get everyone else's furry opinion. This was the first time I'd taken a new beast on voluntarily, and could have asked first. It had never occurred to me to
ask until this moment when they exploited a weakness of mine to be loud enough to demand to be heard. Fuck.

“What's wrong, Anita?” Nathaniel asked, and his voice sounded like him again. He was part of my calm center again.

I shook my head. “One problem at a time. What did you mean about Damian and all this being your fault?” I asked.

“I was angry, but part of me knew that Bobby Lee is better than I am at fighting, so I was scared and angry.”

“I felt that,” Damian said, “and I knew I needed to protect you.” He sounded like he was repeating a memory, not something that had just happened.

“And the anger may have been me,” I said. They all looked at me. “The emotions just now stripped some of my control away and let my beasts talk to me.”

All the wereanimals in the room said in unison, “Talk to you?”

“I translate it to words, but I'm not sure . . . Anyway, they're upset about the newest addition.”

“What do you mean, the newest addition?” Damian asked.

“You mean the rat?” Bobby Lee asked.

“Yes, apparently they see it as prey and it's just one more thing that they can't do. They can't come out of my body and be whole, and now they're trapped inside me with a prey animal that they're not supposed to eat.”

“I don't understand,” Damian said.

“That would be very frustrating,” Bobby Lee said.

“Did they complain about the rat before you did it?” Nathaniel asked.

“My control is really good now,” I said.

Nathaniel looked at me. “Anita?”

Domino came to stand in front of me. “You didn't talk to them first, did you? You ignored them.”

I opened my mouth, closed it, and shrugged.

Nathaniel said, “Marianne taught you how to meditate and communicate with your beasts. I thought you were doing that regularly. I thought that was part of your new uber-control over them.”

“If I said
I'm sorry
, would that help?”

“Are you saying that your inner beasts' anger transferred to Nathaniel and Damian?” Bobby Lee asked.

“Maybe.”

Nathaniel paced away from me, then back. “Anita, you can't keep pretending that you don't carry the beasts inside you.”

“I don't pretend . . .”

“Control doesn't mean you ignore your beasts. Control means you make peace, or something, with them. It's a cooperation, not a dictatorship.”

I shrugged again. “I'm powerful enough that most of the time I can dictate.”

“Losing control once a month or more isn't a curse, Anita. It's a release,” he said.

I shook my head. “I don't like losing control.”

“Well, that's an understatement,” Bobby Lee said.

I frowned at him.

“Don't give me grief when you just fucked up your inner menagerie.”

“They didn't complain when I caught the hyena.”

“That was another predator and an accident. You let Rafael cut you up in rat-man form, hoping to catch what we have.”

“I didn't think they'd see a difference.”

“You mean your beasts wouldn't see it as different?”

“Yeah.”

“Why wouldn't they see the difference between an accident and a deliberate act?” Bobby Lee asked.

I didn't want to say it out loud, because even in my head it sounded condescending and stupid. But sometimes if you're thinking loud enough, the people tied to you metaphysically can hear you thinking. I thought I had control of that, too, but I was going to be wrong again.

Nathaniel stared at me. “You didn't think they'd know the difference. Even a real leopard knows what an accident is, Anita.” His face let me see just how disappointed he was in me.

“That's pretty species-ist, Anita,” Domino remarked.

“No, it's human-centric,” Bobby Lee corrected. “She still thinks of herself as human first.”

“No,” Damian said, “I can feel . . . She thinks of herself as human, period.”

“Just because you don't shift into animal form doesn't make you human,” Nathaniel said.

“I think it does.”

“So the fact that I shift to leopard means I'm less than human?” And there was the anger again, him speaking for my beasts, or maybe just for part of me that I couldn't accept.

“No, of course not,” I said.

“But being human is better,” he said.

“I didn't say that. I would never say that.”

“You're still relieved that you don't shift,” he said, and his lavender eyes stared into me as if he saw my thoughts and feelings laid bare, because he was right. I was relieved that I didn't change form. I did think it was better. Did that make me the species equivalent of a racist? Did it make me human-centric? Maybe it did.

“Wow, okay,” Domino said, “that's a lot of truth to share all at once.”

“Can you feel what she's feeling, too?” Nathaniel asked.

“I hear her thoughts more than her feelings.”

Nathaniel turned to Damian. “Are you her thoughts, or her feelings?”

“Her thoughts, your emotions, I think. This level of contact is new, so I'm not positive which way it runs.”

“As the only person in this room not tied to you intimately, I'll say this: You have to consider your beasts as a real part of you, Anita. You are one of the most powerful metaphysics I've ever met, but eventually you'll need to become whole, and that means embracing all of yourself, including the parts that want to turn furry once a month,” Domino said sternly.

“Even if they don't turn furry once a month?”

“Maybe especially then, because contacting them through meditation and magic is the only way you can communicate with them.”

I didn't know what to say to that. “It's a little late to apologize.”

“Apologize to who? Your beasts, Nathaniel and Damian, Bobby Lee?” Domino asked.

“All of the above,” I said.

“That's a start,” he said.

Bobby Lee said, “You asked me who else goes to Ireland. How about Domino? He de-escalated this nicely.”

“Yeah, thanks for the help, Domino.”

“It's my job. Besides, this is nothing next to some of the fights Max and Bibiana used to get into in Vegas. When your Master of the City and the queen of your clan go at it, you've got serious trouble.”

I laughed. “I bet they have real doozies.”

“They're powerful enough to destroy each other. Instead they've been married for over seventy years. As bodyguards, part of our job is to see trouble and head it off.”

“The three of you are going to be on a learning curve with this new power level. Looks like Domino can help with that,” Bobby Lee said.

I nodded. “Agreed.”

“And no offense meant, but he can act as food for the
ardeur
if needed.”

“No offense taken,” I said.

“I'm actually off the menu,” he said.

Bobby Lee looked from one of us to the other. “I'd heard Anita was shortening her list of lovers.”

“I'm sorry, Domino, but there just isn't enough of me to go around to this many people. I can't date a dozen people. No one can.”

“I remember our talk, Anita.” He only sounded a little bitter.

“I'm not going to apologize again.”

“No one's asking you to.”

“Enough,” Bobby Lee said. “Domino only goes if it's going to make things better, not worse.”

“I can handle myself and it's like any breakup; you heal in stages,” he said.

I tried very hard not to think that it didn't feel like a breakup to me, because we hadn't had a relationship; we'd had sex on a semiregular basis, but for whatever reason it had never clicked emotionally between us like it had between Nathaniel and me. Hell, it had never clicked between the wereleopard and the vampire until this last literally magical moment. Domino had never crossed the emotional divide for me, or not enough. I understood that it was Nathaniel's emotions that were making Damian more than he had been, but even knowing that, I couldn't seem to separate it out into his, my, and Damian's
feelings. Lucky for me none of my other animals to call had a vampire to back them up, and I wasn't tied to any other vampires except for Jean-Claude and Damian. I'd almost married Richard once, thanks in part to the vampire marks that Jean-Claude had on both of us.

I looked from Nathaniel to Damian, and for the first time my gaze lingered over both of them. I suddenly wished Micah or Jean-Claude could come with us to Ireland—not for solving crime, or physical safety, but for emotional safety. It probably wasn't a great idea to go to Ireland without either of the other two that I wanted to marry. I needed someone else who would help Nathaniel not obsess about the new relationship parameters with Damian, because his obsession could so easily become mine. I was taking the two women that we shared with us, but one was more a fuck buddy for all of us and the other had a primary in her vampire master, who was the love of her life. If I was looking at Damian like he was way more to me than he had been, than I knew Nathaniel was, we needed a buffer.

I was pretty sure I knew who to take to help me hold on to my heart, but we needed someone to help Nathaniel, too. I looked at Domino and knew another weretiger who might be just the ticket.

I
FINALLY GOT
Micah on the phone between peace negotiations. “How are the negotiations going?” I asked.

“We haven't had to fight anyone yet. Everyone is still talking about a resolution that may actually be bloodless.”

“That's great. You know I worry when you go out to these peace talks.”

“Because before they'll settle for peace, they usually want a little war,” he said, and his voice held laughter, but it was too close to true for me to find it funny.

“Ironic that I don't like the shoe being on the other foot for the dangerous stuff,” I said.

“You're very good about not saying the worry out loud.”

“Thanks, you've been such a good sport about all the crime fighting over the years that it would just be bad form for me to bitch now.”

He did laugh then. “Since when is being part of a couple fair?”

“Since I try to be,” I said, and I gave him a little laugh, because that was what he was wanting.

“We all try to be fair,” he said.

“We really do.”

“So Edward found a way to bring you in as a consultant to Ireland.”

“Yeah, but not just me. I can bring some of the guards with me.”

“Really? How did he manage that?”

“It's Edward. He's like the go-to guy for the nearly impossible stuff.”

“Who are you taking with you?” he asked.

“That's what I wanted you to know before we left.”

“Uh-oh,” he said.

“What uh-oh?”

“You don't expect me to be happy about some of the people you're taking with you.”

“How do you know that?”

“Your voice just now told me.”

“I love that you know me so well, and sometimes it's a little unsettling.”

“That's better than
creepy
, which is what you thought all of this interpersonal couple stuff was once.”

“I wasn't that bad,” I said.

“Do you really want to have this debate now? I only have a few minutes before I have to go back inside and play referee for more negotiations.”

“Point made,” I said, and tried to explain how I'd ended up going to Ireland with not just Nathaniel, but every lover he had. Jean-Claude was staying home, but he and Micah weren't lovers, contrary to the rumor mill.

He was quiet for a minute, then said slowly, as if he were choosing his words, “So let me test my understanding—you're taking Nathaniel
because he finally figured out how to control your triumvirate with Damian, which gives you a power boost and makes Damian feel safer going back to the country he escaped from?”

“He didn't escape. His old master let him go.”

“After torturing him for centuries, she just let him go?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“He thinks in her own twisted way she cared for him and was afraid she would finally kill him.”

“You mean she sent him away to save him?” Micah sounded dubious. I couldn't really blame him.

“That's what Damian said.”

“What do you think?”

“I think we'll have guards and the police, plus a paramilitary unit, looking after our safety. I don't think we'll be seeing Damian's old master in person.”

“And you really think that the death of Marmee Noir lost his old master that much power?”

“It's possible.”

“A lot of things are possible, Anita. Explain to me again why you and Nathaniel are suddenly more attracted to Damian.”

“You know how your wish was to find a safe haven, a home, for you and your wereleopards when you met me, and my wish was to find a true partner, so the
ardeur
gave us both our hearts' desires?”

“Yes.”

“Damian wanted us, someone, to desire him the way we desire you. Nathaniel wanted Damian to want him and be a real lover to him. He's tired of so many men being afraid of guy-on-guy stuff.”

“He's been very patient with me; it's one of the reasons I love him.”

“I wasn't hinting about you, Micah.”

“Maybe I just feel guilty that I made Nathaniel feel rejected for so long.”

“That's your issue in your head. I did not think it or imply it, and wasn't trying to.”

“That's fair,” he said. “What did you want when the power rose, Anita?”

“I remember thinking life would be easier if more of the men were actually bisexual.”

“And you say Damian took it well? I mean, he's truly homophobic. I just wasn't into guys before Nathaniel.”

“He seems fine, in fact eerily so. Jean-Claude thinks that Nathaniel literally bespelled him.”

“And you, because you lost time, too.”

“I know.”

“How did the spell work on you?”

“I told you I'm more attracted to Damian than I ever have been.”

“So much so that you're taking other lovers to make sure you and Nathaniel don't get carried away romantically with him.” Micah's voice was a little dry.

“Yeah,” I said.

“Fortune, Echo, and Magda—I understand they're all Harlequin and your lovers.”

“Hey, you're lovers with all the women, too.”

“You don't need to get defensive on my part, Anita. I'm not criticizing.”

“Sorry. I think I feel bad that I'm taking all your lovers out of town.”

“Don't. You explained why you can't take any of the rats and you need people you can feed the
ardeur
on anyway. With Magda you also get her master, Giacomo, and they are some of the toughest warriors we have. I like you taking good people with you and Nathaniel.”

“We'll have Nicky, too. He'll keep us safe.”

“I never doubt Nicky. He'd give his life for you and Nathaniel, so I'm good with him going, too.”

“Jake and Kaazim, Pride, Dev, Domino, Socrates, and probably Ethan.”

“We don't have any bad people working security for us, Anita, and you've got to weight the list toward ones who would be willing to feed you and the vampires that will be traveling with you. What's bothering you that you feel like you have to explain it all to me? Usually you just grab your choice of backup and go. You take Nicky the way I take Bram, but other than that we both pick the people best for the job.”

“You told me that you had an issue with Dev.”

“No, I have an issue with me that I didn't realize until Dev started dating Nathaniel, you, and Jean-Claude.”

“Dev and I don't really date.”

“He dates both the men.”

I nodded, realized he couldn't see it, and said, “Yes, he does.”

“He's also completely and comfortably bisexual with both of them and I'm not.”

“You and Nathaniel are lovers, and you're . . . more than just friends with Jean-Claude.”

“There are still things I don't do with Nathaniel that he misses. It's one of the reasons I agreed to Dev dating him. We're polyamorous, not monogamous, so it seemed logical and fair that he have another man in his life who could give him what I couldn't.”

“Anytime you make romantic decisions that are logical and fair, they usually end up making someone feel that they are very illogical and unfair,” I said.

“Now you tell me.” He tried to make it a joke, but it didn't quite work.

“Jean-Claude still won't be in bed with Dev and Nathaniel without at least you or me.”

“He won't be with Nathaniel without you in bed with them. Jean-Claude wasn't meeting all of Nathaniel's guy-on-guy needs any more than I was.”

“You told me that you were having issues with Nathaniel getting more serious with Dev than you expected, or something like that.”

“Yeah, something like that. I totally underestimated how much it would mean to the man I love to have a man in his bed who was happy to do everything possible with him.”

“And Dev is frustrated that Jean-Claude isn't responding to his charms with as much enthusiasm as Nathaniel,” I said.

“I don't think Jean-Claude is as into men as either of them.”

“He likes men,” I said.

“I just said he doesn't like men as much as Dev and Nathaniel.”

“Nathaniel is one of the most evenly bisexual people I've ever met, and Dev is a close second.”

“He leans a little bit more to the guy side,” Micah said.

“Probably, but it's hard for me to judge, being a woman.”

“Fair enough. Where would you put Jean-Claude on the Kinsey scale?”

“Wherever he wants to be.”

“That's probably truer than we understand about him.”

“I said it. Maybe I do understand him.”

“You've known him longer than I have.”

“I'm taking Dev specifically to help me buffer Nathaniel from falling too much in love with Damian. That's the part I'm not sure you'll like.”

“When you know that I'm a little worried that Nathaniel is already too in love with Dev for my comfort.”

“Yes,” I said.

“Dev is your golden tiger to call, and that is an amazing power boost for you and for me as your Nimir-Raj. A combination of your panwere lycanthropy and his power as gold tiger helped me find a second form as a black tiger. Being able to shift into a second beast has helped me win fights I might have lost, and just plain scared some of the shapeshifters who would have fought us on these trips. A panwere is the rarest form of lycanthropy. They're almost legend among us. The extra power I've gained through our ties to Dev has saved my blood and body more than once.”

“And that makes me very happy,” I said.

“Me, too,” he said, and there was that edge of a smile in his voice that I loved to hear.

“You told Dev if he gave you enough power to do exactly what you just said, that you'd put a ring on it, on him.”

“He wants to be the weretiger in the commitment ceremony with you and the men you choose.”

“If I could I'd just marry you, Nathaniel, and Jean-Claude.”

“Legally you can only marry Jean-Claude, and if you can only marry one of us it has to be the vampire king.”

“You're the leopard king.”

“Of St. Louis, not the whole country.”

“I'd still marry the three of you legally if I could.”

“I know, and I appreciate that.”

I was quiet for a second and almost didn't say it, but finally I had to. “You know it's not the boy-on-boy sex that's made Dev move up in Nathaniel's estimation, right?”

He sighed heavily. “I know I was stupid. I know I'm being stupid.”

“I didn't say that.”

“I didn't expect Nathaniel to propose to me that he and I get married for real the way you and Jean-Claude are going to.”

“You proposed to both of us once, Micah. You said you'd marry us both if you could.”

“I meant I'd marry both of you, not just one of you.”

“Micah, be honest. You'd marry just me if you could, so you can't blame Nathaniel for being hurt that you won't marry just him.”

“I told you I was being stupid. It's just he's the first boyfriend I've ever had. If I got married I just always saw myself with a woman.”

“A lot of us get stuck on what we think we should have, should love, should want, should lust after. Therapy helped me get over my white-picket-fence fantasy, because it so wasn't going to work for my life.”

“Fine. I feel threatened by Dev, because he would marry Nathaniel.”

“I don't think they would work as each other's primary partner,” I said.

“They don't have to, Anita. That's what makes the thought of Dev putting a legal ring on Nathaniel's finger so possible. They both want to get married. Nathaniel asked me and I'm hesitating. Dev proposed to Asher and got turned down flat.”

“Asher was a shit about it. We all broke up with him because he's such a shit,” I said.

“I didn't break up with Asher. I do not see what any of you see in him.”

“You don't like bondage and rough sex enough to appreciate Asher's finer qualities.”

“I know he's really good at being mean both for pretend in the dungeon and in real life. The last part sort of makes the first part not work for me.”

“You don't like the first part,” I said.

“You don't like the second part,” he said.

“None of us do, which is why Jean-Claude, Nathaniel, Richard, and I all broke up with him.”

“From all accounts he's miserable with just Kane as his lover and
moitié bête
,” Micah said.

“Asher is one of the least monogamous people I know and one of the kinkiest. He's now stuck being monogamous with Kane, who is totally vanilla and doesn't do kink at all. Of course Asher is miserable. He's created his own living hell.”

“Some people would say that homosexuality is a type of kink,” Micah said.

“Then
some people
haven't been around enough homosexuals, because they can be every bit as conservative and narrow-minded as any heterosexual.”

“My experience is limited, and most of the bisexuals I know are also kinky.”

“Bisexuals seem to have a higher kink level than either end of the scale,” I said.

“At least the ones we know,” he said.

“Fair enough, so do you want me to leave Dev at home?”

“You'd really do that just because I'm blaming him for something that is my fault?”

“No, because Dev is charming and I don't want to make this problem between Nathaniel and you worse. I don't know if I want Dev living with us constantly. He doesn't work with our entire poly group as well as some of the others do.”

“Nicky works great, but neither Jean-Claude nor I will do a commitment ceremony with him. Sin works great, but neither you, I, or Jean-Claude will commit to him.”

“He's a nephew to Jean-Claude and a brother-husband to the rest of you.”