Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) (2 page)

Cooper hefted Julian to his other shoulder and scratched his nose. “Yeah, that is a problem.” He thought for a moment, and held Julian’s body out toward Dave. “Here, hold this. I’ll go talk to the guy and ask for our shit back.”

“Are you out of your tiny mind?” asked Dave. “If he sees you again, he’ll just flat out murder you. Remember your Charisma score? People get pissed off just being near you. And don’t even try to tell me there isn’t any shit on your barstool.”

Cooper turned his head away and set Julian on the ground against the wall. “There may have been some residue that wiped off. What’s your Charisma score?”

“Not high enough to alter someone’s feelings toward me favorably. We need Julian. Splash some water on his face or something.”

They looked around. The street was dry.

Cooper lifted the front of his loincloth. “I’ll piss on him.”

“Jesus, Cooper!” shouted Dave. “Put that thing –”

The bar door opened, and the entrance was dominated by a monstrous silhouette. Hooved feet, furry body, and horned head. “Hey.”

“Listen, sir,” said Dave. “We’re really very sorry. We were just about to leave, but we –”

“What the fuck is the half-orc doing to the elf?” asked the bartender.

“Huh?” said Cooper. He looked down and hurriedly tucked his cock under his loincloth. “Nothin.”

The minotaur stepped out into the street and kicked the door closed behind him. He had all of their bags in one hand and held a stool out as far as he could ahead of him with the thumb and forefinger of his other hand. He flung the stool over to the other side of the street, where it smashed to pieces against the wall of an alchemist.

“Listen guys,” said the bartender. “I know you didn’t mean any harm in there. And I’ll admit the cold beer was nice. It’s just that I’ve got to put on a show. I can’t look like I’m soft on magic in my bar. It’s one thing for people to settle their differences with fists and swords, but once you let a little bit of magic creep in, pretty soon you’ve got guys throwing fireballs around, and the whole place is destroyed. Take that shit outside, you know?”

“Yes,” said Dave. “Well that’s very understanding of you.”

The minotaur held their bags out. “Here’s all your stuff.” His brow furrowed. “I noticed that you didn’t have enough money in your coin pouch to pay for everything you drank.”

“Really?” said Dave meekly.

The minotaur glared at Cooper. “Or the stool you ruined.”

“Again,” said Dave. “I’m so sorry. If there’s any –”

“Don’t sweat it,” said the bartender. “I took one of your crossbows as payment.”

“Well,” said Dave. “That was very…” the minotaur was looking down at him, as if daring him to complain. “Way to take the initiative.”

“I didn’t think there would be a problem,” said the minotaur. “Listen. I’m going to send you boys off with a little advice.”

Dave swallowed, hoping silently that advice wasn’t a metaphor for something violent. “Yes?”

“There’s a tavern not far from here that caters to your kind.”

“And what kind is that?”

“Weirdos, outcasts, misfits… the sort of people who just don’t seem to fit in with normal society. It’s called The Horsehead Tavern. It’s in the Collapsed Sewer District. Ask around.” He opened the door and started to walk inside.

“Hey,” said Dave. “One more thing.”

The minotaur’s nostrils flared. “What?”

“There’s a girl at the bar. She –”

The minotaur snorted. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll tell her where you’ve gone.”

“Okay, thanks!” said Dave to a closed door.

Chapter 2

“Come on, man,” Cooper groaned. “We’ve been walking around here for like an hour now. I’m starting to sober up. It’s like all the beer I drank earlier is going to waste. I’m going to have to start all over again, and who knows what time last call is around here?”

“Just keep your eyes open for a place called The Horsehead Tavern,” said Dave.

“I can’t read, asshole.”

“Well then, I don’t know. Just look for a sign with a picture of a horse’s head or something.”

“Are you sure we’re even in the right neighborhood?”

“The bartender said it’s in the Collapsed Sewer District. Don’t you think this area meets that description?”

Cooper had to admit the place seemed a touch more lower-class than where they had just come from, what with smelling like shit, and most of the buildings having been constructed, from the look of them, out of salvaged pieces of other buildings, carriages, and particularly durable pieces of garbage. It just wasn’t the sort of thing he noticed. He’d delivered pizzas to worse neighborhoods than this.

"Blegh," said Julian. "Put me down."

Cooper set Julian on the ground and held his shoulders until he looked like he was able to stand on his own. "Sorry," he said. "We got kicked out of the last bar. I had to carry you."

"Did you have to carry me in such a way that my face was right next to your... hey, do you have a tail?"

"I'm not sure what that is. Some kind of growth. It itches."

Julian shuddered. "So where are we going?"

"We're looking for some place called the Horse Head Inn."

"So what are we waiting for? It's right behind you."

"Huh?" said Dave, spinning around. 

Cooper's looked at where Julian was pointing, but he couldn't make out what the sign said. Above it was a carved wooden head of a woman. She might have been pretty if not for the scowl on her face and the clown makeup painted on her. "What does the sign say, Dave?"

Dave swallowed. "The Whore's Head Inn." 

Cooper slapped him in the back of the head. "We must have passed this place a dozen times."

"Sorry," said Dave. "I was looking for something to do with horses. I didn't notice this place. It doesn't even look like it's open."

"It's open," said Julian. "I can hear people inside."

"I can't hear anything," said Cooper.

Julian tugged on the points of his giant ears.

"Screw this," said Tim. He stepped up and banged on the door with his little fist. He didn't stop banging until something moved on the other side. It was the sound of wood scraping against stone, like someone was moving a crate up next to the door. A small window slid open about a foot and a half above Tim's head, framing a neatly trimmed goatee, a bulbous nose, and pair of narrowed brown eyes beneath a set of wild black eyebrows. 

"Where are you from?" said the man, if that's what he was.

"The Shire?" said Tim.

The man on the other side of the door laughed dismissively and shook his head. "Fuck off, guys. This is a private club."

"Wait!" said Dave.

The man gave Dave a look that suggested that the next few words out of his mouth had better be earth shattering.

"We're from Gulfport, Mississippi."

The man smiled down at Dave. "Well that
is
interesting. Hang on a sec.” The window in the door slammed shut.

The door opened to reveal a humanoid creature about the same height as Tim, but with a little more girth and a fuller face. He reached out a plump hand to Dave. “I'm Frank, from Atlanta.”

Dave stared back dumbfounded until Tim elbowed him in the waist. “Oh,” he said, accepting the handshake. “I'm Dave.”

Ravenus perched on Cooper’s head, probably to get a better view. The feathery fucker was pushing his luck. Cooper swatted at him, but only managed to slap himself in the head, as Ravenus used him as a springboard to fly into the dark rafters above.

They were led into the entrance of a tavern that Cooper suspected had only just turned so silent. At least two dozen pairs of eyes were focused squarely on the four of them.

“Dave, party of four!” Frank announced.

“Four?” Tim muttered. “Wait a second,” he said more loudly. “Where's Katherine?”

“She's still back at the other bar,” said Dave. “She wasn't with us when we got thrown out. But I told the bartender to send her this way. She'll be along soon.”

“So…” Frank from Atlanta rubbed his chin. “You've survived this long in a party of five. Impressive.”

“Six,” said Dave. “She's got that bard guy with her too.”

“Imported or domestic?”

“Whatever’s on tap,” said Cooper.

Frank looked up at him. “No, stupid. I’m talking about the bard
.
Is he a local, or is he someone that came from...” He nodded his head. “You know, Earth?”

“Oh, right,” said Dave. “Yeah, he's from Earth, just like the rest of us.”

“Tony the Elf!” shouted Frank.

An elf stood up from a nearby table. “Yeah, Frank?”

“Take over door duty. I'm gonna break in the new guys. You can expect a couple more coming along shortly.”

He led them to the table which Tony the Elf had just left. “What can I get you fellas to drink?”

“Beer,” said Cooper, Tim, and Julian simultaneously.

“Do you have any stonepiss?” asked Dave.

“Sure thing, big guy.”

Frank glanced over at the bar, and a very nervous looking elf nodded.

“New kid,” said Frank. “NPC.”

“What’s NPC?” asked Julian.

“Non Player Character,” Frank explained. “One of the locals. Sometimes it can be fun to interact with them. They can never put their finger on what's different about us, but they all think we're weird as fuck. Personally, I believe it's the racism inherent in the game. I mean look at us. An elf, a halfling, a dwarf, a half-orc, and a gnome, all sitting around shooting the shit together. That's so fucking bizzarro to them.”

“Is that what you are?” asked Julian. “A gnome?”

Dave slapped Julian in the arm.

“What?” said Julian. “I'm sorry. Was that offensive?”

Frank waved a hand dismissively. “Nah, who gives a fuck? That's just what I'm talking about, right? Yeah, I'm a gnome. What of it, right?”

The elf from the bar averted his eyes as he served the drinks.

Tim, Dave, and Julian mumbled thank you’s. Cooper tried to say “Thank you”, but it came out as a long and satisfying belch from the bottom of his stomach. The elf wavered on his feet, looking as though he was trying to keep himself from passing out and/or crying.

“Sorry,” said Cooper.

Frank accepted his own beer and flipped a copper coin up at the elf who caught it eagerly between his hand and the beer tray. He bowed low at Frank, and then immediately hurried away when Frank waved him back to the bar.

“Um...” said Cooper. “Do you mind if my friend frosts my beer?”

Frank snorted and looked up at Cooper. “Hey. Where does a twelve hundred pound gorilla get his beer frosted?”

Cooper squinted his eyes and turned his head quizzically. He had never had much patience for riddles, and his low Intelligence score wasn’t doing him any favors.

Frank slapped a palm down on the table. “Wherever the fuck he wants to! Ha! Am I right?”

“So...” said Cooper, hoping for a straight answer.

“Knock yourself out, Goliath.”

Cooper looked at Julian. Julian pointed a finger at Cooper's glass and looked at Frank, waiting for him to object. Frank merely raised his eyebrows curiously.

“Ice ice baby,” said Julian. A ray of blue light shone from Julian's finger to Cooper's mug, which immediately frosted over with a thin coating of ice.

“Holy shit!” said Frank.

“Oh fuck,” said Cooper, putting his hands over his ears. His right ear was still tender from where the minotaur had grabbed it.

“I'm sorry,” said Julian. “I didn't mean to. I didn't think you'd –”

“Goliath, swap with me before that touches those big lips of yours.” Frank swapped his own beer with Cooper's before Cooper knew what was happening. He took a sip, and closed his eyes in ecstasy. “Do you assholes know how long it's been since I've had a cold beer?”

“It was just a zero level spell.”

“What spell?”

“Ray of Frost.”

Frank shouted at another table. “Why didn't any of you other fuckers ever think of this?” A portly human woman, a half-elf, and another gnome stared back blankly. “Come on over. Meet the new guys.”

The other group pushed their table against Cooper’s. Frank climbed on top of the table, where he barely managed to stand taller than everyone else.

“Guys, this is my new friend Dave.” He walked across to the other table and stopped in front of the human woman. “This is Rhonda.” He moved on to the half-elf. “This is Ed, and the gnome here is Gorgonzola.” Cooper grinned. The gnome lowered his head.

“I'm Tim,” said Tim. “It's a pleasure to meet you.”

Julian removed his sombrero and bowed his head slightly. “Julian.”

“I'm Cooper,” said Cooper, punctuating his introduction with a small, moist fart.

“What the hell did you roll for Charisma?” said Rhonda.