Critical Failures III (Caverns and Creatures Book 3) (23 page)

The door at the top of the stairs flew open. Tony the Elf stood at the top of the staircase.

“They’re coming.”

“Well shit,” said Frank. He turned back to Stacy. “Stay here and keep your eyes closed.”

“What for?”

“They either know you’re here, or they’re just hoping you might have turned up here. If it’s the latter, then we can deny ever having seen you. If it’s the former, then they probably used a Scrying spell. If they use it again, they won’t be able to see your surroundings if you have your eyes closed.”

“What if they’re using it right now?”

“Well then I guess we’re fucked.”

Chapter 29

Dave, Randy, Professor Goosewaddle, and Butterbean sat in the back of Dennis’s squad car. Chaz sat in the passenger’s seat with Tim on his lap. Nobody relished the idea of sitting next to Cooper, and Butterbean growled whenever Katherine came too close, so the two of them resorted back to their previous method of overland travel, and Tim just hoped that they wouldn’t be intercepted by any low-flying aircraft.

Tim kept Dennis’s gun in a dagger sheath under his vest. He didn’t have to actually point it at Dennis. The fact that he had it, combined with the fact that he'd already removed Dennis's testicles, not to mention whatever promise Chaz had made about him getting them back, should be enough to keep Dennis in line.

“Can’t we go any faster?” said Tim. “This is a cop car. Flip on the sirens and punch it.”

“Not a good idea,” said Dennis, his voice noticeably higher than it had been earlier in the day. He coughed and tried to force it deeper. “Not unless you want to get some more cops in on the action. But then, you’re the feller with the gun.” He reached over and kept his hand hovered over a button on the car’s control panel.

“No, you’re right,” said Tim. It was interesting that Dennis had offered the warning. He could have easily followed Tim’s directions and surrounded himself with a dozen cops if he’d wanted to. The poor bastard must really believe he’s going to magically grow himself a new pair of balls. Maybe it wasn’t so far-fetched. A Restore spell might do it.

No, no, stop!
He couldn’t let himself get distracted by Dennis’s junk. He had Mordred’s junk to think about. “It would just be nice if we could get there before Mordred finishes jerking off.”

“We might,” said Dave. “I don’t think he’s having an ‘I-just-got-an-unexpected-five-minutes-alone quickie. This is a special night for him, and he’ll probably want to make it last. Maybe hold out for a girl who looks like Stacy.”

“Hey!” said Tim, unsure why. Dave was probably right.

“I like to bang out a quick one real fast,” said Randy. “Then I take it nice and slow-like with round two.”

Tim closed his eyes and exhaled, trying to block the mental image of Randy masturbating. “Thank you for sharing that, Randy.”

“I’m just sayin’. Mordred might be doin’ the same thing.”

“I used to like to do it in front of the mirror,” said Chaz. “I haven’t tried it in this body yet, though.”

“How the fuck is that relevant?” asked Tim, scooting forward a bit on Chaz’s lap.

“I thought we were sharing jerk-off stories. You know, like bonding and shit.”

“Ew,” said Tim. “No.”

“Could you stop squirming around?” asked Chaz. “I’m not gay or nothin’, but you might make this a very awkward trip soon if you don’t sit still.”

Dennis sniffled. His eyes were glossy.

As if Tim didn’t have enough to worry about with trying to catch Mordred and trying to keep Chaz from popping a boner in his ass. “Dude, are you crying?”

“I’m sorry!” Dennis sobbed. “All… this… talk… about…” He broke down in a series of sobs before getting control of his speech again. “And… I… can’t…”

“Get your shit together man,” said Tim. “When we catch Mordred, you’ll be spraying jizz all over the tin walls of your trailer in no time.”

Dennis brought his crying down to a series of sniffles. “You know what? You are not a nice person.”

“You tried to rape me.”

“Oh and how long are you going to keep playing the same card?”

“That only happened this morning!”

“Dennis is right,” said Randy. “Even Stacy said so.”

Tim turned around and looked at Randy through the protective barrier between the front and back seats. “What did she say?”

“She said you was a mean-spirited, angry little man.”

“She said that?”

Dennis gulped back his sobs. “Uh-huh.” He looked very satisfied with himself.

“She said it weren’t right of you to take all my Slim Jims like you done,” said Randy.

“I said I was sorry!”

Dennis wiped a lingering tear from his eye and grinned. “She told me that she’d rather date a pig than a jerk like you.”

“Bullshit!” said Tim. “She didn’t say that.”

“Oh yes she did!” said Dennis.

“When?”

“When y’all was havin’
cyber
-sex with Mordred.”

“We weren’t having cyber-sex with Mordred!” said Tim. “Who even says
cyber-sex
anymore?”

“What is this
sibersex
?” asked Professor Goosewaddle.

“You were there, Professor,” said Tim. “Do you remember hearing Stacy say anything like that?”

“I recall no mention of
sibersex
.”

“Face it, Tim,” said Dave. “You do tend to be a little moody.”

“Fuck you, Dave!” said Tim. “Really? You’re going to side with the two pedophiles?”

“That boy had an
I.D.
!” said Randy.

“And I’ve changed!” said Dennis. He started crying again.

“I know you’ve changed,” said Tim with mock sympathy. “I changed you. And if you don’t stop blubbering like a little bitch, I’ll change you some more.”

“All I’m saying,” said Dave, “is that if you’re interested in Stacy, you might want to try being a little nicer to people.”

“And all I’m saying,” said Tim, “is shut the fuck up.”

“What
is
this place?” asked Professor Goosewaddle, his voice filled with awe. He was leaning forward in his seat, face pressed up against the barrier between the front and rear seats of the car, staring through the front windshield.

Tim looked ahead. “Oh good. We’re here. That’s the Beauregard, Professor. Hopefully it’s the last stop on our tour.”

“It’s magnificent!”

Tim had to admit, even for a local, that the Beau was an impressive sight. While most of the other casinos on the coast tried to lure customers in with the best buffet, or triple points, or whatever gimmick they were running that week, the Beau was all about class. They still had their fair share of chain-smoking rednecks, but at least they put up a pretty good façade.

Dennis pulled the squad car off of the highway and into the customer parking deck. Spaces were available from the third tier, but Tim insisted they drive all the way to the top, to be as far away from curious eyes as possible.

When Dennis parked the car, Tim hopped out and ran to the corner of the lot facing the street. He didn’t think he’d be able to spot Julian from way up here, but a dire bat carrying Drew Brees shouldn’t be too hard to spot if you were looking for it.

He stopped short just before reaching the edge, having spotted a big, black bird perched on the wall.

“Ravenus?”

The bird made no reaction. Tim remembered that Ravenus only spoke the Elven tongue. He switched to a British accent.

“’Allo Guvnor.”

The bird turned around. “Tim!”

“Where’s Julian?”

“Dunno,” said Ravenus. “He went inside the large building. Said he’d be right back, but it’s been quite a while by my reckoning.”

“I hope he didn’t try to take on Mordred by himself.”

“Not likely.” Ravenus tilted his head toward the main building. “He’d already determined that he had no idea which one of those rooms this Mordred fellow was staying in.”

“Then what the hell is he doing?”

Ravenus raised his wings. Tim guessed that’s how birds shrugged.

Tim scanned the sky for dire bats. Nothing. He looked down at the ground and caught the reflection of headlights on two green eyes across the street. A wolf. As far as Tim knew, the wolf population of Biloxi was between zero and two at any given time, and one of those was trapped in a magical bag.

The wolf turned its head back and forth, sniffing the air until it settled roughly in Tim’s direction. Katherine was trying to find him.

Tim whistled, and the wolf immediately looked up at him. It nodded and ducked further back into the bushes until it was out of sight. A second later, Katherine stood up. Only Katherine. Where the hell was Cooper? Why couldn’t anyone just be where the fuck they were supposed to be for once?

Katherine waited for a gap in the traffic and darted across the street. Damn, she was fast. Tim expected her to run up the ramps the way a car would do, but instead she scaled the wall like goddamn Spiderman. She climbed nearly as fast as she ran.

“I didn’t know you could do that,” said Tim, once Katherine hopped over the wall onto the top tier of the parking deck.

“I didn’t either,” said Katherine. “But when I saw the wall, I felt like I might be able to. Pretty cool, eh?”

“What happened to Cooper?”

Katherine pulled out the Bag of Holding. “Quarterback sacked.”

“Are you fucking crazy?” asked Tim. “There’s a vampire in there!”

“He said he’d be okay.”

“What the fuck does he know?” said Tim. “He’s dumb as shit! Hurry up, get him out of there!”

Katherine reached into the bag. “Cooper.”

The Bag of Holding vomited Cooper on his back onto the concrete floor. His jersey was ripped across the front and his pants had a small tear down the left leg, but he didn’t look as bad as he might have.

“Are you okay?” asked Tim.

“Never better,” said Cooper, breathing heavily as he got to his feet.

“How’s Ginfizzle?”

Cooper snorted. “He’s pissed.”

“Did he attack you?”

“Of course he did.”

“You don’t look too bad,” said Tim. “Isn’t he still really strong?”

“I guess,” said Cooper. “But he’s still a lot smaller than me. He was pretty easy to throw around.”

Tim remembered Cooper throwing him around inside the Bag of Holding. “That makes sense. When you’re floating around in a void, your strength is going to be less important than your mass.” Tim had struggled through high school physics, but what he was saying right now made perfect sense to him. He was rocking that 17 Intelligence score.

Cooper walked over to Dennis’s squad car. “Either of you pedos got any smokes?”

Katherine watched Cooper walk to the other group, then turned to Ravenus. “Where’s Julian?” Her fake British accent was grating to Tim’s ears.

“He’s gone inside,” said Ravenus.

Katherine nodded. “He’s probably gone in to charm Mordred’s whereabouts out of the concierge.”

“I don’t think so, Miss Katherine,” said Ravenus. “He told me quite specifically that they wouldn’t release that information to a person… How did he put it?
Off the street?
”

“Bullshit,” said Katherine. She jumped over the wall of the parking deck.

“Katherine!” shouted Tim. He poked his head between the bars just in time to see her turn into a small bat and flap down to the side of the main building. “She’s having too much fun with that.”

Once safely on the ground, Katherine took her normal form and strode around to the front of the building and through the main doors.

“Dude,” said Cooper. He looked a little off-balance and spacey. “Where’d Katherine go?”

“Who the fuck knows?” said Tim.

“Professor Goosewaddle is passing around his pipe behind Dennis’s car if you’re interested. I don’t know what it is, but it’s some pretty good shit.”

“You assholes are getting
stoned
?” said Tim. “Do I really need to remind you of the gravity of this situation?”

“Man, don’t start talking physics again,” said Cooper. “I’m high as fuck.”

Tim stomped across the parking lot to the other side of the police car. Chaz, Randy, Dennis, Dave, and Professor Goosewaddle were sitting in a circle passing around a pipe.

“Come on, man,” Dave said to Chaz, who had his lute in his lap. “Play
Holly Holy
.”

“Oh, I like that song,” said Dennis.

“No way, man,” said Chaz. “I’m sick of it.”

“Aw come on!” said Randy. “Just once.”

“What the shit is going on here?” asked Tim.

“TIM!” shouted Dave, Chaz, Dennis, and Randy in unison. Dave followed with a “Wasssup!”

“Professor,” said Tim. “What are you guys smoking?”

“It’s just a bit of concentrated merrythistle,” said Professor Goosewaddle. “Your friends don’t seem to have a very high tolerance for it.”

“That’s because they’ve never fucking had it before.”

“Oh dear.”

Chaz strummed the strings on his lute. “HOOOOLLLLLY HO-“

Tim slapped him in the back of the head. “Knock it off!”

“Chill out, man,” said Dave. He lazily blew a cloud of smoke in Tim’s direction. “Everything’s cool, brah.”

“Everything is most certainly not cool,
Dave
! Gulfport’s about to turn into a war zone, and we’re going to be the first casualties!”

Dennis pointed a stern finger at Dave. “So put that in your pipe and smoke it.”