Cross My Heart, Hope to Die (26 page)

“Really?” he asked.

“It takes guts to change,” Emma said quietly. “To start telling the truth to everyone, and mostly to yourself. I know it’s been hard for you. But the people who really care about you—we’re here to support you.”

She felt Thayer’s warm hands, calloused from all the yard work he’d been doing, wrap around her fingers. “The people who really care about me, huh?”

Her cheeks burned. “You know, Mads, Char, Laurel. Your dad, even. We all care about you.”

“Glad to hear it,” he said softly, drawing her closer. And then, before she knew it, his lips were on hers.

For a split second, she leaned into the kiss. Thayer’s mouth was so soft and inviting. All she’d wanted to do tonight was let go of being Emma and become Sutton, even if it had to end at the stroke of midnight like a fairy tale. And in this moment, tasting the sweetness of vanilla Coke on Thayer’s lips, the line between her and Sutton felt especially blurry. She moved unconsciously toward him on the swing, and his fingers slid around her waist.

As strange as this was for me, I understood Emma’s complicated feelings, about the line between us getting more and more confusing. We were both sinking deeper into each other, in danger of losing ourselves in the process. Watching Emma live my life and feeling the thrill of Thayer’s kiss on her lips was the next best thing to actually kissing Thayer myself. I couldn’t even decide whether I wanted to throw the Coke can at their heads or cheer them on.

But then Emma pulled away from Thayer with a jolt. What was she doing? Just because everyone called her Sutton didn’t mean she had turned into her twin. Guilt stabbed her like a knife. She’d betrayed Ethan and misled Thayer. All she’d done was break things right and left.
Just like Becky
, she thought bitterly.

“What the hell?”

An angry voice tore through her thoughts, and she looked up to see Ethan on the steps to the porch.

His eyes blazed in fury. His jaw was tight and clenched, his fists opening and closing as if he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to hit something or strangle it. Emma’s hands flew to her mouth.

“Ethan,” she exclaimed. “It’s not what you think—”

“You,” he snarled, ignoring her. His eyes were locked on Thayer. “You’re dead.”

Thayer barely had time to get to his feet before Ethan was on him, his fist landing square on the taller boy’s chin. He gripped Thayer by his shirt and slammed him against one of the porch’s pillars.

“Stop it!” Emma screamed. Blood trickled from a cut on Thayer’s head. He rammed an elbow into Ethan’s rib cage and Ethan leaned over, wincing. Thayer tackled him off the porch.

Poor Tony chose that exact moment to finish his set. Emma’s cries pierced the sudden quiet, and the doors quickly flew open, the confused and rowdy crowd spilling out onto the porch.

“Fight!” someone yelled, catching on to what was happening, and everyone took up the chant. “Figh! Fight! Fight!”

The spectators divided almost instantly into two sides. Most of the boys cheered on Thayer with cries of “Kick his ass, Vega!” and “Take that, Landry!” It was a testament to Sutton’s power and popularity that the girls, especially the younger ones, all started screaming for Ethan.

The two boys in the yard kept fighting, seemingly unaware of the crowd that had gathered. Blood pooled in the dirt and smeared muddily over them both. Someone’s shirt ripped audibly.

Emma locked eyes with Charlotte in the crowd, shooting her a pleading look. Charlotte understood, and quickly turned to Mark Bell, who hurried back to the house and yelled at someone Emma couldn’t see. A few moments later, two other boys—both of them on the varsity basketball team—hurried down the steps. Ricky Parker, the shooting guard who’d just been handed a full ride to Duke, latched onto Ethan and held his arms back while Andrew Collins and Mark Bell pulled Thayer in the opposite direction. Ethan and Thayer struggled to break free, staring at each other with open hostility.

“Nice one, Science Fair,” Thayer said, the ironic smirk back on his lips. There was a nasty cut over his eye. “Looks like you finally beefed up.”

Ethan’s breath heaved as Ricky let go of his arms. His jeans were smeared with grass stains and dirt. For a moment Emma thought he’d fall on Thayer again. Instead, he turned to her.

“You haven’t changed at all,
Sutton
,” he spat. “You’re a selfish slut, just like you’ve always been.”

With that he turned and strode across the lawn toward his car.

28

“Ethan, wait!” Emma called, but he didn’t turn around. She hurried down the porch steps and ran after him, ignoring the curious looks of everyone behind her. She stumbled on the flagstones and kicked off her heels in frustration, abandoning them on the grass. Ethan’s beat-up Honda was almost at the gates, since he’d been one of the last people to arrive at the party. She reached the car just as he was getting in and climbed stubbornly into the passenger seat.

The spring-loaded hula girl Ethan kept on his dashboard swayed as he slammed the door. “Stop,” she panted. “I can explain.”

“What is there to explain?” Ethan snarled in disgust. His fists clenched dangerously, as if he wanted to hit something again. In the dark she could see a streak of blood trickling down his forehead into his eye. “You told me not to be jealous, Emma. You said Thayer was Sutton’s thing, not yours. You’re such a liar. As big a liar as your sister was.”

“Don’t you dare say that about my sister!” Emma spat. “And please. You’re one to talk about lying.” She felt completely sober now, her anger filling her with its sharp edges so that everything stood out in clear relief.

“What are you talking about?” Ethan’s fingers curled tightly around the steering wheel, even though the car wasn’t on. She gritted her teeth.

“I’m talking about the file in the psych ward with your name on it,” Emma said, her voice dangerously calm. “Sound familiar?”

Ethan’s face hardened. “You went? How?”

“Nisha gave me the keycard,” Emma said softly.

He inhaled sharply. “I thought we decided you weren’t going to pry into your mother’s private records.”

“No,
you
decided that. And you didn’t care about my
mom’s
privacy, you just didn’t want me to find out about your deep, dark secret. Isn’t that right?” Suddenly, Emma felt drained and hollow, the anger deflating. She blinked back tears. “Ethan, I love you. I shared everything with you. And now it feels like I don’t even know you at all.”

The muted sounds of the party drifted toward them on the cool night air. Crickets chirped hopefully around the car. But inside, everything was deathly silent.

“Did you read my file?” Ethan asked. His voice had gone low and calm. She looked sideways at him. He sat very still, his mouth pulled into a straight, stoic line.

She shook her head. “No. It didn’t feel right.”

The rigidity left his body, his shoulders collapsing helplessly. He shoved his shaggy hair back with one hand. “I should have told you,” he admitted, his lips crumpling miserably. “I wanted to tell you. But it’s not a part of my life I’m proud of, okay?” He slumped back into the driver’s seat, his face twisted in anguish.

Emma stared straight ahead, into the dark knot of mesquite in front of the car.

“This was a couple years ago.” Ethan’s voice was so quiet she had to hold her breath to hear him. “My dad came back to town after a long business trip. The house was a total mess. Mom was too sick to clean, and I was, like, fifteen, so I was kind of useless about housework. Dad flipped out about it. I mean … really flipped out. He started beating the hell out of my mom, pushing her from room to room, shoving laundry into her arms, and throwing dirty dishes at her. In the dining room he broke a broomstick across the backs of her legs, he hit her so hard. He was punishing her for being lazy, he said.” Ethan’s face tilted away into the shadows. “So I clocked him over the head with a beer bottle. I didn’t know what else to do. It didn’t break, but it knocked him down pretty hard. He was out cold for a few minutes. Woke up later with a concussion.”

“Oh my God,” Emma breathed. She reached her hand out and touched Ethan’s arm, but he didn’t move. She knew he was reliving that awful night, in some dark corner of his mind.

“That’s not the most screwed up part. My mom called the cops on me. When they got there I was upset, kind of incoherent about the whole thing, so instead of jail they took me to the hospital. I ended up spending a night strapped to a bed, pumped so full of haloperidol I couldn’t even remember my name. I guess I was lucky—jail would have been much worse. When they evaluated me the next day, they concluded I was acting to defend my mom, and because I was a minor they just dismissed the whole thing out of court. But I had to keep going in for counseling for a year or so.”

“Wait, your
mom
called the cops?” Emma asked, her chest tightening. “You were just trying to protect her.”

Ethan turned to look at her sadly. “That’s not how she saw it, I guess. No matter how bad things get with my dad, she always takes his side, says she deserves it or whatever.”

In the silence that descended between them, they could hear a crooning R&B ballad piping through the sound system up at the house. Emma took Ethan’s hand in hers and squeezed it hard. His fingers were limp and heavy in hers, as if he’d turned to wood and could not feel her touch.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “I should have let you tell me in your own time. I should have realized it must have been something that was … hard for you to talk about.” She swallowed. The first tendrils of relief unwound inside her. Ethan wasn’t crazy. He wasn’t like her mother. He was a victim, just like Emma. “I’ve been so scared, Ethan. Everything I thought I knew about my childhood, my family, is wrong. It feels like every day I find out some new, huge secret. I guess I just expected the worst when I saw that file. Because the worst keeps on happening.”

He nodded, looking down at his lap. “I don’t want to have secrets from you, Emma. I want to share everything.”

“So do I,” she said. She reached for his hand, but he gently disentangled his fingers from hers.

“Are you sure about that? That’s not what it looked like tonight.”

Emma shook her head. “Ethan,
he
kissed
me
. I drank too much at the party and wasn’t thinking clearly enough to stop him in time. It was a stupid mistake. I’m really sorry it happened, and I wish I could take it back. But you have to believe me—I’m not interested in Thayer. I love
you
.”

Ethan bit his lip. For a moment he looked so vulnerable, so heartsick, that it was all she could do not to pull him into her arms.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” he apologized. “About you, and about Sutton, too. It’s just … when I saw that piece of—when I saw
him
touching you, I flew off the handle.” His fists clenched against his thighs, and he sighed. “Thayer Vega has always gotten everything he ever wanted. He snaps his fingers and the world delivers it to him on a silver platter. And I still have trouble believing that someone like
you
could fall for someone like me, when you could have him.” He looked at her seriously. “Emma, no one’s ever cared about me before. And now, suddenly, the most beautiful, brilliant, amazing girl I’ve ever met is my girlfriend? I keep thinking you’re going to wake up one day soon and trade me in for someone else.”

His words cut painfully into her heart. She knew what it was like to feel unloved. She knew what it was like to live with that kind of doubt. She leaned across the gearshift and rested her head on his shoulder.