Crowam 281 (21 page)

“I just don’t understand. What would make her do all this?”

“Jake. We haven’t the time for this. We need to hide her before they find us. Please hurry.” We scurried around, finding a hiding place. “Over here.” There was a janitor’s closet in the corner. Hannah was light enough where I could carry her in the closet. We put her up against the wooden cabinet and closed the door “Come this way.” Owen said.

“You go on ahead, there is something I have to do first.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Just get back to your dorm. I’ll meet you there in a little while. Don’t worry about me.”

Owen turned to head back to the dormitories.

“Owen.”

“Yes?”

“Thank you again.”

“Just don’t get caught.” Owen went off back to the dorm, while I had some unfinished business to attend to.

I wasn’t sure how I was going to do it. I never thought about doing anything like this before. A pillow came to mind. It would be peaceful. The suffocation would be slow, leading him to a permanent sleep. I grabbed a pillow from an empty bed, sliding it beneath my arm. “Hey there bud.” I pulled his blanket up to his chest. I adjusted his pillow so he could be comfortable. “You know. I was thinking about what you said. About love and all. Being in this place, you would think love didn’t exist. But whenever you talked about things, you made me believe that there was still good in the world. That there are still wonderful things. That anything is possible. “

“And now, seeing you like this, hell, Thomas. I just can’t bare it. Sometimes, I don’t know what to believe in anymore. I don’t know what to think. I wish you would talk to me, tell me what do to. Because I don’t know what the hell to do. I’m just a scared kid. What do you want me to do, Thomas? Please, in your own way, tell me what you want me to do? Whatever it is. I’ll have to live with it.”

I pressed the pillow with a firm grip. The pillow hovered over Thomas.
He won’t suffer anymore,
I kept telling myself. The pillow inched closer. I tried determining how long it would take before he would stop breathing. I was worried if he would put up a struggle. My mind raced with anxiety and guilt. The ramifications of my decision to kill Thomas haunted my conscience. My intentions contradicted one another.

I thought about whether it would be painful. Would it be a quick death? Maybe if I pressed the pillow down hard enough, he wouldn’t feel a thing. My thoughts were making me ill. “How could I think of such things?” I began to break down. Tears ran down my cheeks, like Petey when I found him rolled up in the corner of the bathroom. I dropped the pillow, my head resting on Thomas’s stomach. I shook my head until my tears moistened Thomas’s blanket. “I can’t do it, Thomas. I can’t.”

I sobbed, no different from Petey. I hated crying. I felt like a child, an immature, scared, good-for-nothing kid. I tilted Thomas’s head so I could look him in the eyes. “I’m so sorry, Thomas. I just can’t do it. It doesn’t feel right. Some friend I turned out to be. If you’re in there somewhere, I just hope you have the good graces to forgive me. I’m a damn coward. A good for nothing coward.”

I checked my surroundings, making sure no one was around. It was quiet. All you could hear was the breathing from the other living corpses around me. “We’re planning an escape, you know. It’s not much of a plan really. But it’s all we got. Hell, I’m not sure if it’s even going to work. Some people, they never had much respect for me. They thought I was a no good stupid kid who was always up to no good. But you, you saw me differently. You thought I could actually amount to something. My parents, they thought the same way about me. Damn, do I miss them.”

I talked to Thomas, spilling my guts about every emotion that ran through my heart and mind. I gripped Thomas’s hand. “They’re going to pay for what they’ve done to you. What they’ve done to all of us. I don’t know if you would approve of revenge. But maybe this is more than just about revenge. Goodbye, my good friend.” I let go of his hand, looking at him one last before I departed. I headed back to my dorm.

The night flew by quickly. I couldn’t get any sleep. I vomited a few times due to the drugs, but I sobered up in the morning. It was still dark out, at least a few hours before breakfast at 9:00am, as usual, every morning. Owen slept in my dorm, sleeping in Thomas’s bed for a few hours. There were times when I thought it was Thomas laying there, ready to lecture me about Dickens and how I should read more.

I woke up Owen. He wasn’t too pleased. “Come on, wake up,” I said.

“For God’s sake, I saved your life and you won’t even let me sleep?”

“We’re even, remember? Come on. We’re meeting with Felix in a few minutes.” Owen and I met in Felix’s room.

“How are you feeling?” Felix asked me.

“Better.”

“That was a mighty brave thing you did, Owen. Absolutely smashing.” Felix shook Owen’s hand.

“Why, thank you,” Owen said.

“Enough with the pleasantries,” I said. It looks like plans have changed. We’re going to have to leave here sooner than we thought.”

“Why?” Felix asked.

“Owen knocked Hannah unconscious. We hid her in a janitor’s closet. There’s no telling when she’s coming too. But when she does, we’re all done for.”

“Damn it, Jake. Why didn’t you say anything before!”

“Because I was in the bathroom ready to regurgitate a lung. How many boys were you able to round up?”

“Maybe ten, twelve, if they have the courage.”

“That’s it, twelve?”

“I was expecting to have more time. Now this changes things.”

“So what do we do now?” Owen asked.

“Twelve is not enough to start a revolt,” I said. “ How many are up for the actual escape?”

“Not many, maybe three or four. They’re just too frightened,” Felix said.

“That’s not enough,” I said. “It won’t do it.”

“So what do we do?” Owen asked.

“We have to go through with the plan,” I said. “Even with those numbers.”

“Are you mad? We can’t overthrow a bloody prison with twelve people.”

“What about Tom? Is he in?” I asked Felix.

“Are you kidding? He thinks the whole plan is bloody rubbish.”

“We’re going to have to go through with the plan and just hope more of us will join in on the fight,” I said.

“That’s not much of a plan,” Owen said.

“Well do you have any better idea?” I asked. “In a few hours, Hannah will wake up. And when she alerts the guards about what happened, we’re all done for. Do you understand? We have to take a stand, even if the odds are against us.”

Owen went back to his room to get a little more sleep. Felix and I stayed in his room, waiting, watching the clock above the door. “It’s going to be quite a show,” Felix said.

“Yea, it should be,” I said.

“Where is this going to happen?”

“The cafeteria will be the best place. Most of the guards will be concentrated in that one area. If we take enough of them on, we can distract them long enough for the other group to escape.”

“I think Owen should lead the escape.”

“Why?” I asked stunned.

“I spoke with him last night. He seems up for it. Besides, he did a hell of a job saving your life.”

“Yes, the boys respect him. They’ll listen to him.”

Felix pulled a wool bag from underneath his bed. He pulled five billy clubs from his bag.

“Where did you get those?”

“In the guards’ lounge. You didn’t think you were the only one sneaking around Crowam at night, did you?”

“We could do a lot with these.”

“We can spread them out amongst us. I’ll give you and myself one.

“I can sneak a few pans from the kitchen. They could do some damage if used right.”

“Smashing.”

“The whole plan, it feels so rushed. So simple, too simple.”

“Sometimes the best laid plans are the simplest ones,” Felix said.

“Sure. There is something else I have to tell you.”

“What is it?” Felix asked.

“I saw Thomas again. After Owen freed me.”

“What for?”

“I don’t feel comfortable telling you this. I feel ashamed to tell you the truth. But it’s been eating me up a bit inside. Been sick just thinking about it…”

“Well, what is it? Tell me.”

“I was going to end it right there, Felix. I was going to put him out of his misery. I was gonna use a pillow so it would be quick. But I couldn’t do it, damn it. I just couldn’t live with myself. But I have hard time knowing that he’s still alive, in the condition he’s in. All those boys, living in torment. I mean, am I bad person?”

“Sometimes, we all have to make difficult decisions. I sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted to have been in your shoes.”

“I just left him there, alone. That’s no way for a person to live. Those boys down there, they’re just waiting, their minds carved up into nothingness. I didn’t want to remember him like that, but now that’s all I think about when I think of him.”

“You have to get a hold of yourself. Thomas was my friend too, but you mustn’t forget the good graces he blessed us with when he was with us. You must let nature take its course. In time, he will leave this earth, when God calls for him.”

“Sometimes, I wonder. How God could allow a place like this?”

“God didn’t create this. Men did. Man and his greed and lust for power and violence. Man’s desire to free himself and enslave others. God had nothing to do with it.”

“We can’t let them get away with this.”

“Then let us not waste any time.”

The morning was gloomy and cold. The sun hid behind the clouds. There was nothing spectacular about the day. Despite that, it would bear significant consequence to us as we embarked on a great task.

It was risky. If we failed, our fate would be like the rest of the boys in the infirmary, whose minds were taken away from them, their bodies tortured and violated by lunacy. We would have to use violence as a means of escape. I never killed anyone before. I couldn’t put Thomas out of his misery. I tried to anyway, but it wasn’t in me. It’s a hell of a thing, killing someone. You take away everything they have. All that they lived for, good or bad.

I didn’t know any of the guards personally. My only acquaintance was their role in imprisoning and torturing us at their discretion. I hated them for that. I hated Mr. Hugo and that was enough for me. Hate can burn you up inside. I feared losing myself. But perhaps my hate was really my longing to free myself and the rest of us from this God-awful place.

The time was approaching where we would take over Crowam and escape. I wasn’t sure if it would work. None of us knew. Many of the boys were scared, wanting to just stay out of the fray and hoping nobody noticed them. We armed ourselves with billy clubs and pans and anything else we could hide underneath our clothes so the guards wouldn’t notice.

I went over in my mind how I would strike the first blow against one of the guards. Should I aim for the throat or strike him in the head and be done with it? I thought about what it would look like to see blood stream down the guards face. My heart raced, my adrenaline rose thinking about the violence that would ensue. I kept revisiting the fights in my mind. The anger fueled me with each passing thought. Before making it to the cafeteria, Petey ran to me, as happy as can be. He hugged my leg with glee. “Hi Jake!” he said.

“Hey there, sport.”

“Look, I made this for you.” It was a ball made out of rubber bands. It was pretty neat. Probably got the rubber bands from class and the library. The rubber bands were intertwined with one another in a tight round ball with grooves comprised from the rubber bands themselves. “Wow, that’s really neat, kid. You got some real talent.”

“You can bounce it up and down like this, see.” He bounced the ball, innocently, without a care in the world, proud of his creation.

“Petey.”

“Yea.”

“I need to talk to you.” I kneeled down, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“What I’m about to tell you is very important, and I need you to pay attention. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Petey said, fixated on my every word.

“I don’t how to tell this to you so you can understand. But in the next few hours, it’s not going to be safe for you here. I want you to hide in the bathroom, like you did when I found you the other night, and I want you to stay there. You see Owen over there. He’s going to find you, and when he does, he’s going to take you away from this place.”

“But I want to be with you.”

“Petey, please don’t make this difficult.”

“I want to stay. You’re my best friend.”

All I could do was embrace him, holding him with all I had. I felt his tears on my shoulders, trembling in my arms. “Alright, stop crying. You hear me. Stop crying. Now, you listen. It’s time for you to be a man now. You’re the bravest kid I know. You’re going to make it out of here and do great things. You’re going to make this world a better place. You’re better than all of us, kid.”

Owen walked up behind Petey, putting his arm on his shoulder. “He’ll be ok,” Owen said.

“Take care of him,” I said to Owen.

“You’ll see me again, Petey. I promise. Ok?”

Petey grinned.

Breakfast time arrived. We marched into the cafeteria, going through the motions, picking up our steel trays and plopping on whatever the kitchen managed to concoct and throw on our plates. The utensils were dull, unlikely to break skin, but we rummaged whatever we could find to use as a weapon. Owen, Felix, Charles and I sat at our usual table. Owen sneaked Petey away before breakfast. The mood was tense. Felix came up with a signal for the others on when to strike. He would simply drop his tray. That was it. Again, the plan simple but hopefully effective. During the skirmish, Owen would sneak the rest of us out, or whoever was willing to escape, with the hope of getting help. Charles sat, silent, looking at his food.