Crush (25 page)
over his hair, loving the wayit clings and curls around myfingers. “We need to talk,” he says in a wavering voice. His eyes are a
somber dark evergreen.
Stacy nudges me with her cell. “It’s the hospital. They
couldn’t get you on your cell, so they called mine,” she scowls.
“Theywant you to come in at eleven.”
“Shit…Why did I agree to be on call tonight?!” I turn to
Tammy. “Sorry…I have to go home and get ready.”
“I’m coming with you,” he says. “We reallyhave to talk.” Yvette walks up and taps Tammy. “Can I have a word with
you?” She ignores me. “It’s important.”
“It can wait,” snaps Tammy. “It can wait
forever,
whatever it
So Tammy sighs sharply and accompanies her over to another table. Nearby, Rayand Bennysip at their beers, neither of them looking our way.
I turn to Stacy, who is wearing the same perplexed, insulted look as I imagine I am. “What’s that shit?” she asks, indicating Lard-Ash with her chin.
Myheart is pumping ice water. “I have no clue…” She hollers, “HeyRay! I guess you forgot me!”
But he doesn’t raise and come over to us. He onlymumbles
vacantly, “Uhhh…yeah…Oh, shit, Stace…Sorry…”
“Fucker,” Stacymutters under her breath.
“I think something’s wrong…I think Tammy wants to break
made out in front of everyone just now!”
“He’s acting funny,” I insist. “I think he’s done.”
“You’re jumping the gun, Jamie…Maybe he just needs to talk
to you about something.”
“No…something’s
wrong
…I see it…I know him…” He’s leaning into Yvette. They’re talking intimately. She
reaches over and brushes her hand across his arm, smiles into his eyes. He shakes his head at her.
But he’s not resisting her advances.
I look back at Stacy. Now she’s not so sure.
How beautifully he sings, I think as I hold him against me and inhale his scent. I think about how most of this throng of people are cheering, how they love his singing. I think about how happytheyare for him when Stacyspills the beans.
These people love him, most of them.
But there are some who hate him. Whyelse would theyhave sent it to me, that video containing the most despotic and violent atrocities I have ever seen. It is not a well-meaning person who sent it. It is someone who wants to hurt Jamie, to expose his horrifying secret, to open his wounds all over again, expose him to new ridicule and hatred.
And when Yvette Feldman heralds her presence at The End by requesting a one-on-one with me out of the blue, after how manyyears of not even speaking to each other, you’d think I’d have sense enough to guess.
“What is it?” I ask in exasperation. “I’m busy!”
“Did you get your package?” she asks sweetly, a cruel smile curling her lips.
Nausea and disgust burn through me all over again, the corrosive contents of my stomach ready to leap from my mouth. “You bitch!” I hiss under mybreath.
Her eyes widen. “What’s the matter, Tam? Don’t like seeing your little boyfriend fucking other men?”
“Where did you get that tape?!” I grab her arm and my nails pinch into her sleeve.
“Let me go or I’ll tell Ray and Benny,” she growls. “Let’s just say I have a friend at the police department, and I was able to convince him to give me the tape. It’s no secret that Jamie was a little whore before he was adopted bythat bleeding heart cop!”
“You’re a fucking cunt from
hell
!” I shriek.
“Oh, just deal with it, Tam,” she sneers. “You’re in love with a queer who’s been fucking old men since he was barely out of diapers! How can you stand to
touch
him? Who knows what
diseases
he’s got?”
“Fuck you!” I spit. “Did you even
bother
to watch the whole
have
to,” she groans. “I watched just enough to get sick to mystomach. I was right about him, little faggot!”
“If you didn’t watch the whole thing, you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about. You have no fucking idea! Theycoerced him! Theyraped him! Theytortured him!” I’m crying.
liked
sucking that guy’s
the end! And obviously, you couldn’t discern from the beginning that he didn’t want to do those things. Did you miss the part where his mother threatened him and yelled at him?”
“His
mother
? Well, no wonder he’s such a mess!” “She made him do those things!”
“Oh, come on, Tam! Are you serious?!”
“Yes, I am!” I scream at her. “Jamie was a child! No older
wanted
to do those things?! Theyburned him, Yvette, you stupid fucking
moron
!”
But there’s no dealing with an unobservant and selfrighteous bigot. You can try to reason with them, you can try to explain, but when they’re dead set on hating someone, your endeavors are useless.
“Tam,” Yvette says softly. “Are you
really
going to let that dirty faggot drag you into hell with him? He’s corrupting you. You know full well what the bible says about people like him.And about what you and he are doing now. I’d hate to see you lost…”
“You know what, Yvette? Fuck you! You’re not a Christian! You’re an evil bitch and I hope you rot in hell!”
With that, I turn tail and run. “Come on,” I mutter, taking Jamie’s hand. “Let’s get the fuck out of here!”
“Bye, Stacy,” Jamie says over his shoulder as I pull him out to the car.
I’ve got to get him and myself as far awayfrom that sick bitch as possible.
He’s not in that video
now
. He’s in the car, with me. He’s safe, alive, in good health.
He’s got a good heart. He takes care of sick people for a living. He loves cats. He loves to sing. He created a website for Mr. Tafford, who he loved.
I keep remembering the wayhe kissed the man in the video.
The way he called the man, “Daddy.”
Was it his Daddy? Or was it a stranger? Did Jamie really fuck scores of grown men?
Did he love it?
Like she says?
No! I silently rebuke myself.
What the fuck is the
matter
with you, Tam? You watched that fucking video! You
saw
what happened!
I hate myself for not turning that VCR off, for watching on and
The woman screams at him about what to do, every minute detail, even how to eat a ding-dong. She terrorizes him, “Where’s my lighter?” She makes ribald comments, derisive statements, about everything she
forces
the boy to do. She transforms from instigator to accuser. She punishes him, tortures him with a lit cigarette after he obeys every order she gives him. He shrieks in agony as the hot ash burns deeply into his buttock…
The man called “Daddy” seems less hateful than the woman, but he is every bit as evil…no…more, because he is
pretending
to love Jamie,
pretending
to care. I can hear Daddy now, “If you suck me real nice, like I showed you, I’ll bring you hot dogs and mac and cheese! I knowyou’re pretty hungry, right?”
I see the hate in those two adults for that helpless, undersized boy. The unadulterated, ceaseless hatred.
They’re monsters.
Yvette is a monster.
“Tammy? What’s the matter?” Jamie reaches up, brushes the tears off mycheeks as the car bumps into his driveway.
I jump out of the car and run to his front door. “Hurry,” I gulp as the vomit climbs vehemently up my chest. He opens his front door quickly and I dash into his bathroom. It’s only saliva and stomach acid, because I haven’t eaten.
I raise myheavyhead to look around, thinking of nothing, but unable to shake the horrid visuals. I tryto contemplate the banana yellow of the wall or the whisker-coated razor sitting on his sink, or the lone bottle of Cool Water by Davidoff that I’ve watched Jamie sprayover the puerile arch of his neck…
Jamie enters the bathroom, pulling on a white shirt and a dark scrub shirt. “Do you have the flu?”
I shake myhead. “Jamie…we have to talk.”
He looks at me. “Okay, then, let’s talk.”
I step away from the toilet and face him, then change my mind, about-facing, feeling more retches building within me.
“Is it about Yvette?” he asks. “I saw her talking to you.” His voice takes on an edge. His eyes narrow. “I saw her hitting on you, in fact…so I guess you’re through with me…”
I taste puke. “No…Jamie…that’s not it…”
“You think I’m stupid? I know what you’re doing!” he shouts. “You don’t return myfucking calls all daylong, you come up to me, all sad-eyed and serious, and ‘We really need to talk!’ Just spit it out, Tammy! You want to break up so you can get back with Yvette!”
“Jamie!”
In a bitter, sing-song voice, Jamie scoffs, “Just be kind about it! Don’t let Bennyknow! Don’t flaunt yourselves!”
“Jamie!”
“How could I have trusted you?!”
“Jamie, calm down, please! It’s not that at all!”
“Then what the fuck is it, Tammy?! What’s crawled up your ass all of a sudden?! You’ve ignored me all day long! I called the hospitals, thinking your Mom had gone back in or something!”
“No,” I mumble. “Mom’s fine.”
“Just tell me what’s going on already!” snaps Jamie. “It’s after ten and I need to get readyfor work!”
I struggle to figure out how to do this, and sigh, realizing there’s no wayI can do this without harming him. “I don’t know if I should tell you.”
He expels an annoyed breath. “Why?”
“Because it will hurt you.”
Regarding me through apprehensive blue eyes, he says, “I don’t like Yvette…I never have…she’s disgusting, vulgar. I can’t stand her…and she scares me. Sometimes she gives me these looks…she’s evil.”
“Yeah, fucking-A, she’s evil,” I scowl. “I don’t like her either, Jamie. Believe me, the last thing you’ll ever need to worryabout is me fucking around on you with
her
.”
“What about other women? What about other men?” His eyes dagger into me.
that.”
“I haven’t been cheating, Jamie. This isn’t about anything like
Another sigh hisses through his teeth. “Tammy, what
is
it?!” “I just wish you’d told me yourself.”
“Told you
what
?” His eyes widen.
“I wish you’d have opened up to me.”
“About
what
?!”
“About whyyou feel so…dirtyabout everything.”
His slim shoulders wilt. “So you
do
think it was a fight.” “What…?”
“I thought it was only a discussion…” Jamie shakes his
head. “I’m sorry about the meltdown, Tammy. You’re right…it was a game. It was role-playing. It was fun, and like you said, if it was dirty, it was dirtyin a fun way. I’m just not used to that kind of thing. You’re right, it’s all new to me, that’s all.”
You
are
used to it
, I think to him.
And that’s why you feel so ashamed and dirty
.
I go to him and try to hug him, saying, “I wish you’d open up to me, tell me what happened to you.”
He shoves me. “You’re pushing me, Tammy! I told you I’m fucked up! I told you I have issues! Do you
listen?
!”
“I do listen, Jamie…What did theydo to you?”
“What do you mean,
they
?” His dark blue eyes are snapping.
“Someone hurt you terribly, didn’t they?”
“Yeah…they did, Tammy! Why do you want details? Do you think I’m fucking
lying
to you?!”
“I don’t know, Jamie…You won’t let me in. I don’t even
know
eyes makes me regret everything that’s just crossed mylips. There had to have been a better approach.
He stands in stunned silence for a few moments. Then he
murmurs, “I won’t let you in? I won’t let you in…? After everything we’ve shared…I let you inside of me…I never let people inside of me…After sixteen years…” His eyes emptyof feeling, become dull blue stones, the way I hate. “You don’t know me…After all I’ve shared with you…You don’t
know
me…”
“You let me inside of you
physically
,” I say, and I realize now, this is the
only
way I can say it. “But not completely. You haven’t shared everything with me. I thought we were completely united, but I think I was wrong.”
Now he’s crying. “What’s the rush, Tammy?” he sobs. “I’m
trying
! I’m reallytrying! Whycan’t you understand that I need
time
?! Did it ever occur to you that I love you so much that if I tell you these horrible things about me and I lose you, I’ll die of a broken heart?! Did it ever occur to you that I’ve been trying to figure out a wayto tell you that won’t make you either be sick to your stomach or hate me?! Or
both
?!” His voice rises in pitch until he’s screaming and crying wretchedly.
“Alright, go then!” Jamie screeches. “Go and don’t come back! Ever!”
I turn back to him. “Jamie…”
“No…I’d rather be alone. I can’t deal with this…I’d rather go back to what I was, a hermit, a recluse, safe behind closed doors, snuggled up with my kids, in my nice warm quilt, my cocoon. I wasn’t meant for this…sex, love, heartache, bullshit…”
“Baby…”
“No, please…just go…” He walks over to the toilet, pulls a length of tissue off the roll, runs it under a trickle of tepid tap water, and wipes his face.
“Baby…I saw the video. I saw you. I saw them. I saw what theydid to you.”
“Wh-wh-what?” My eyes are like saucers. Now it’s my turn to stumble as I stare in hollow incredulityat Tammy’s disclosure.
His eyes overflow. “I saw them molest you…FUCK!” a high wail floats from his mouth. “I saw them
rape
you…I saw everything, Jamie...”
“What do you mean, you
saw
it?!” I roar, making my throat scratchy.
“Avideo…you were about eight years old…a little boy…”
My breath begins to leave me in shallow, terrified pants. “Where did you
get
it?!”
He can’t look at me now. “Yvette…she got it from someone down at the police station. I don’t know…they let her have it…
