Cry For You (Fallen Star #2) (6 page)

"What the hell am I going to wear tonight?" I had no concept of what people wore to see a band.

"You've got the band shirt I gave you. Wear that."

"I wore that to the festival."

"You can wear it again. It doesn't matter. It's not like anyone will be looking at you. I'm the one on stage."

"Bastard," I muttered, although I much preferred things that way. I hated being looked at. People could look at him all they liked so long as they didn't touch. Touching was for me only.

Even the thought of being in the crowd had me as anxious as hell. That’s why I’d changed my outfit twelve times already and couldn’t keep still. Tex was totally useless. He thought everything I put on looked good.

I pulled the shirt on. It was a bit small and tight.

"It's too tight. I can't wear it."

Tex leered at me. He really leered. I crossed my arms on my chest.

"What?"

"It's not too tight, Ruby."

"It makes me look fat."

"It squashes your boobs out really nice. I really like the way it does that. You should wear that shirt all the time."

He came at me with his gropey fingers wiggling. I laughed and brushed him away. To be honest, I kind of enjoyed that leering look.

"As much as I want your hands on me, we will be late if you don't get ready now."

Tex went to the shower and I looked at myself in the mirror. Did my boobs look good? I never really thought about them that much. I was much more focused on the rolls over the top of my jeans. Short t-shirt, tight jeans – what was I thinking? But, if I got changed, Tex would give me shit. He had no understanding of things like body issues and that was because he had no issues with my body. I threw a denim jacket over the top. That way I covered up the worst of my problem areas.

My friend, CJ, said there was no such thing as problem areas. There were just areas. Every concept of an "area" being a problem was a social construct. But I didn't want to look like a jelly roll.

Tex came in from the shower with his towel wrapped around his waist. Talk about body issues. My biggest issue seeing him like that was keeping my hands off his body. That little dip at the bottom of his back, I wanted to touch it. I had to turn away so I could resist him. God, that man had woken a sleeping dragon in me and that was the dragon of animal lust.

"Look at you. Leaving the house to socialise twice in one month. That must be a record."

"You can talk. You aren't exactly Mr Sociable either. Well, you weren’t…"

Tex laughed but I wasn't joking. It was one of the doubts that wore at my mind. He was definitely changing, becoming much more outgoing and wanting human contact. It was like he was coming out of hibernation. Sure, for now, his plans were contained and as low-key as playing to a massive crowd of people could be but he was becoming more and more open to the life he used to lead.

This was my test, my way of proving to Tex that I could function like a normal human being. I’d watch him play and I’d enjoy it. Even though he’d given me no indication that he wanted me to change, I needed to prove this to him – and to myself.

According to the architect, it'd only be less than three months before we could start moving in to the new house. Even less than that and the bathroom would be operational.

Since he’d said that, I’d known I had to have a serious talk with Tex but I kept putting it off because talking about "our future" made me break out in hives. That was a scary talk. It was making a commitment and having plans. You can bet your butt that I felt like at any moment Tex would come to his senses and kick me out. I wasn't right for his lifestyle.

Even more important, I needed to clarify my role as his housekeeper. That's what I'd been to start with and that's what I still was. Only now I'd become more. Housekeeper with "benefits" maybe. But the whole him paying me thing didn't sit right with me. I did the housework and we had sex. That made me pretty much like his wife but he paid me. It was the sex plus money part of it that worried me, obviously. I was on the border of being something that I didn’t want to be.

Without that pay from him, I needed money from somewhere. I had to get a job and that would take me further away from Tex. I'd have to leave the house every day and I'd not be able to tour with him. That'd put me back right in the same situation I was before I started working for him. But there was no way we could go back to being boss and housekeeper, even if I wanted to.

A few times I’d started heading into the conversation but had gotten diverted. It was always there though, hanging in the air as something I had to do.

"Are you ready?" he called. "Devon's here to pick us up."

"Yeah, I'm ready. I was waiting for you to finish primping yourself."

“I don’t primp.”

“You so do.”

He walked out. I ran after him and slipped my hand into his back pocket, the two of us walking to the car like that.

"Why don't we have people pick us up in stretch limos?" Devon asked as we got in the car.

"Because we aren't stretch limo people. I hate those things. If you want to tell the driver something, you have to yell like this." He cupped his hands around his mouth. "And people stare at you. Plus it makes it easier for the groupies to spot you."

"Yep, the groupies spotting me thing is a bonus. Makes less work for me." Devon laughed.

I had the feeling that, although Devon talked like that, he craved a steady relationship more than anyone I knew. There was something inside him that had never healed after Julie died. He blamed himself and Tex blamed him. That made it hard for him to move on. As far as I knew, Devon was clean now but his using had been complicit in her death. Past relationships screwed you up. I knew that more than anyone. All that shit hung around in your head, undermining the happiness in your life.

"You get them all now. No competition from me or Brownie."

"It's the best."

Tex turned in his seat to smile at me. I had been stuck with the back seat. That was okay with me. Devon and Tex would talk about band stuff, leaving me alone with my thoughts. It'd been a hectic week. Mum had messaged me with a heap of jobs she'd wanted me to do. She and Dad were still in Bali working and playing but had been thinking about moving to Chang Mai so needed some documentation from the storage unit. Mum had even mentioned me coming over for a holiday. I'm not sure how she could know me for so long and forget important facts about me – like that I hate the sun and I hate hot weather and, most of all, I hate going places.

"You could even bring your young man," she'd said.

Gross. “Young man”, that sounded so ancient.

I couldn't even imagine the two of us on a tropical island. Tex would hate the beach – all that sand and glare. We were definitely inside people.

Tex had told me that the beach near our place got popular in summer. Usually with teenagers catching the bus out so they were nowhere near their parents. Packs of them would get off the bus, all full of pop music and junk food and garish-coloured swimsuits.

"It's awful," Tex had said. "Luckily the last bus back to the city is at 5.00, although sometimes they come out in cars."

"Ah, so that's why the bus comes out here."

"Yeah. What did you think?"

"For my convenience... obviously." I’d never really thought about it.

At least we'd be away for part of the summer. And Tex had said you could only really hear them when they first got off the bus and then only until they started down the track. Mostly, inside the house, you didn't even know they were there.

I really missed Mum and Dad but I didn't want to travel to see them. I wished they'd come home, if only for a visit. Maybe, when the house was done, they could come and stay for a while.

The car swerved, knocking me out of my own thoughts.

"Hey, watch it, mate." The angry edge in Tex’s voice seemed out of proportion to the situation. It wasn’t like Devon had run off the road or anything, it was just a little swerve.

Maybe something had happened between them when I’d not been listening. Tex’s moodiness had almost disappeared but, if anyone could bring it out, it was Devon.

"What? There was a cat on the road. I couldn't just hit it."

"There was no cat. You weren't concentrating."

Hell, that's all we needed, a big fight out here in the middle of nowhere, a few hours before the guys had to play. I hadn't seen a cat but then I'd not been paying attention. Devon was the one driving so Tex should keep his mouth shut but I wasn't about to suggest that because it'd just add to the tension. Tex always got stressed before playing but he shouldn’t take it out on Devon.

"I'm a good driver, Tex." The “Tex” bit was said through gritted teeth so it was almost a hiss.

"You're an irresponsible driver. You never think before you act."

Whoa, this was getting to be about much more than driving. I reached forward and stroked Tex on the shoulder, hoping to calm him down.

Devon reacted by putting his foot down, zooming down the road. We weren't even at the turn off to the main road into the city yet. The side road going to the beach and our place was narrow and had some big twists. The only vehicles that used it were the infrequent bus service and the pizza delivery guy but you never knew when someone else might be coming in the other direction. Just for kicks or something. And I sure as hell didn’t want to meet the bus with Devon driving like that.

The car veered off on to the shoulder of the road, sending up a spray of gravel then sliding until Devon twisted the wheel to right it. I held in my breath and gripped the back of Tex's seat so that my knuckles hurt, but I kept quiet.

As Devon drove over a bump, we became airborne. I knew Tex wouldn't say anything. He wouldn’t react to something like this because of some stupid man code. Instead, he just got Devon all riled up then sat there while Devon drove like a lunatic. I wasn't sure if Devon would listen to me if I told him to settle down but I had to give it a go.

"Devon, please, can you slow down? You're scaring me."

"Shit, sorry, Ruby." Devon slowed down to a reasonable speed. He looked at me in the rear vision mirror and gave an apologetic smile. His anger at Tex had gotten the most of him. I think he'd even forgotten I was in the back.

But Tex glared at me. What had I done? Was I supposed to sit in the back with my mouth shut until we ended up dead? That was not how I wanted to spend my afternoon. Devon was always really polite to me. Just polite, nothing more after that one time he'd asked me out. Still, Tex tried to keep us apart as much as possible. He got stupid if I even tried to make conversation with Devon.

I leaned back against the door, my leg folded up on the seat. Tex hunched over in his seat and Devon kept all his attention on the road. There was no music in that car. Nothing at all but simmering emotion. Screw the pair of them. They could have their angst. I got my phone out of my bag and put the headphones on. I'd be in my own little world if they wanted me.

We got to the venue and unloaded. There were a couple of roadies around but they mainly did set up. I got my stuff and went straight to the stage. I knew I should’ve stayed with Ruby until she’d gotten settled in the band room but I didn’t want to talk.

There was something in the way she said that. “Devon, please, can you slow down? You're scaring me."

It ripped the insides out of me, like a savage beast trying to escape capture. All claws and snarls shredding my flesh from the inside out. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even look at her. I could never voice the feelings that hit me at that moment.

Devon didn’t even notice. I’d glanced at him and there’d been no reaction. He’d forgotten like the shithead he was. That guy had a whole bucket filled with fucks he didn’t give.

Those words, those exact words. Julie had said them. To him.

That’d been one of those nights when everything had fallen to shit really fast. Julie hated dangerous driving. Well, after what happened to our parents, who could blame her. She’d asked him politely and the more polite Julie was, the more pissed off you knew she was.

In most ways, Ruby was nothing like Julie. Julie had been wild. She could walk into a room and turn every head. There was something about her, a charisma and charm that got her exactly what she wanted. Everything she did, she did with a flair and passion that flamed. And often burnt out just as fast.

Not Ruby. Ruby was the most hidden of gems. She built up a camouflage to protect herself and to remain unseen by most of the world. You had to be incredibly lucky to see behind her walls. Every day I thanked the powers that be that I was one of those lucky few.

But when she’d said those words, in that same carefully modulated tone that Julie had used, it scared the crap out of me. And it dug up all the old angers. I had let Devon in far enough that I would play music with him but I had not forgiven him. I would never forgive him.

And none of that was anything to do with Ruby. I turned to apologise but she had zoned out. She could shut a man out faster than he could blink. She had on those headphones and had that look in her eyes that made you think that she’d left this planet for worlds unknown.

Normally, that enthralled me but, on top of my anger with Devon, it made me pissier. Like she’d left me alone when I needed her.

I’d have killed a man for a cigarette but I’d made a promise with myself not to smoke any more. I’d cut back when we moved into the studio then decided that, if I wanted to be with Ruby, I should quit altogether. She’d never said she wanted me to quit and I didn’t want to tell her I was trying in case I failed.

Even after sound check, I didn’t go back to her. She was an adult, I told myself, I didn’t need to babysit her. But that didn’t sit right. She’d only come along to support me. Still, I swept those thoughts to the back of my mind.

My fingers twitched and I saw a couple of the roadies heading out the back for a smoke break. If I asked them, they’d be more than happy for me to join them but if I had one when I was drinking, I’d end up smoking half a pack before the night was out. I tried to distract myself.

I talked to the techs for a while and made sure everything was perfect for our performance. I wanted to keep busy and forget every stupid thought in my head. I did not want to say anything I’d regret. I could feel myself slipping back into that dark place and I didn’t want to go there. I didn’t know how to fight it though.

While I was checking out the merchandise stall, and signing some shirts for the girls working there, Lizzie and Ruby came out.

“Hey, we’re going to get some burgers,” Ruby said. “Do you want one?”

I shrugged. Of course I wanted a burger. Did she even need to ask? This stupid, unreasonable anger built up inside me, likely to explode in a vomit of rage if I opened my mouth. I didn’t want to snap at Ruby. She didn’t deserve to have my anger directed at her. It was easier to just say nothing.

“Hey, wait up a minute, I’ll come with you.” Devon came slinking over from out of nowhere. “I’ll just grab my wallet.”

As he left, I gave Ruby a look to let her know I didn’t want her going with him. She turned away.

“Maybe you should stick around here,” I finally said. I shouldn’t have needed to say that. She should’ve known how I felt.

She shrugged. “There’s nothing for me to do here and I’m hungry.”

“You know how I feel about Devon.”

“We’re just getting a burger.”

It might be just a burger to her but who knew what Devon had in mind. I didn’t trust him, would never trust him. He’d seem like he was being friendly but his words would twist things and he’d plant seeds of discontent in her mind. If Ruby really considered my feelings, she’d stay here with me.

The three of them went off together.

When they got back, they hadn’t even got me a burger. They’d gotten them for everyone else.

“You said you didn’t want one,” Ruby said.

I had not said that at all but, if I said it now, I’d look like a stupid kid. I just wanted to play this gig and get home. Everyone thought that, after playing the festival, the spell had been broken and I could just get up on that stage with no issues but it wasn’t that easy.

I sat in the corner of the band room, my stomach rumbling and my fingers twitching for a cigarette. Instead of making me feel better, Ruby said something to Devon and the two of them laughed. It cut through me like a sword.