Cutter's Hope (32 page)

Reaver, motioned for Li’l Bit to join him and she slipped past us, giving me a sympathetic look as she joined her man, who took her below deck. They were giving us privacy. I could appreciate that and I’m sure, if she were more with it, Hope would too.

I kissed her head and huffed out a sigh. I wanted to fix it. I wanted to put it all back together for her, see her happy, I mean for fuck’s sakes the woman busted her ass for those two girls, to support them, to love them, to provide for them and when it came down to it, to find one of them and I was starting to realize, she’d been doing this for so long, by herself with no one there beside her… God. It was amazing she was still standing at all.

“Shh, I’ve got you Sweetheart,” I murmured in my best attempt to be soothing. I’d never been awesome at being the supportive type in these kinds of situations and as shitty as it sounds, I couldn’t stop the wave of relief from overtaking me when the crying jag she’d gone on was blessedly short lived.

Her tears dried up but she hadn’t moved or pulled away yet and I was real grateful for that. I loved the feel of her in my arms, tucked close. I inhaled her flowery sweet fragrance, somewhat hampered by the smell of alcohol coming off of her, but intoxicating its own right anyways. She tugged back from me gently and I led her to one of the seats near the grill. She sank into it and I saved dinner from burning.

That done, I turned and knelt at her feet, placing my hands on her knees. We were eye to eye this way or just about. I searched her sad and sullen face and smoothed some of her long, dark locks behind her ear.

“I lose you?” I asked her point blank, steeling myself for the answer I didn’t want to hear.

She searched my face, “No,” her voice was small, low and dewed with her tears. I felt myself relax.

“Just tell me what’s going on in there, huh Baby?”

“I don’t know,” she sniffed, breath hitching, I gave her my best look like she knew that wasn’t true and she sighed out.

“A lot, there’s a lot…” she said haltingly, “Just so much has happened in such a short amount of time and I,” she bit her lips together and her eyes welled up fresh. I reached up and thumbed the new tears out from under her eyes. Overwhelmed didn’t even begin to cover where my girl was at.

“One thing at a time,” I said soothingly.

“I was jealous, and it’s shitty and not fair and I don’t have any claim on you, I mean you’ve already done so much and,” I put a finger to her petal soft lips silencing her. She watched me, dark eyes inquisitive and that was good, that was real good.

“You listen to me, alright?” I raised my eyebrows and waited and she nodded slowly. I took my finger away from her mouth and took a cleansing breath.

“If roles had been reversed, if some dude I didn’t know came up to you, right now, and put his lips on you, I’d knock his fucking teeth in,” I told her. She and I stared across the short distance between us, silent. I leaned forward, brushed her lips with mine, “You’re my woman, and this is a two way street, Sweetheart.” I kissed her slow and let it build into something deep that I hoped touched both our souls.

I drew back carefully, and had to smile. Her eyes were closed, her face lax with something akin to peace. Her breath escaped her in a soft and gentle sigh and I’d be lying if I said I weren’t hard but I needed to ignore my dick. Get to the bottom of some things.

“What else, Sweetheart?” God I just wanted her to give me something, anything, I could
fix
right here and right now. Something to make her feel better. Something that would make her realize that I would do anything for her. There wasn’t any ‘just about’ in there. I would. I would do anything for her. To wipe the ugly hurt from her eyes, to sooth her down into a place where she could open up, put some healing on
her
hurts.

“I feel, I don’t know… I just,”

“Shh, slow and easy, Sweetheart, come on. Don’t get worked up on me now. What else?”

“I feel guilty.”

“Water under the bridge, Babe. It’s okay,” I told her. She closed her eyes.

“No, I didn’t mean… I meant about Faith. I’m trying. I really am, but I
lost
her, I lost her and then I found her but now I’ve
found her
and she’s with someone
else
and I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to give her,” she swallowed hard, more tears threatened, and with a soft gasp she pressed on, “Her space and do what she wants but I feel so guilty, like I should be there and like I’m failing her all over again.”

She looked at me and her dark gaze willed me to understand, but I couldn’t. Not really. Not this. I had never been a parent, and even though those two girls were her sisters, Hope had been responsible for ‘em for so very long she might as well have birthed them herself. It was suddenly easy to see why she underwent such an extreme form of birth control, opting for the permanent surgical option.

“Okay,” I said and nodded, “Okay, this is what we’re going to do. I’m gonna bring Reave and Li’l Bit back up here and you and Li’l Bit are gonna relax and get to know each other. Can you do that for me?” She nodded, she didn’t look
happy
about it, but I needed her and Li’l Bit out of the way some. I had an idea, and when I had one of ‘em like I did now, wasn’t anything going to stop me. I kissed her one more time and went and got Reave and Li’l Bit from below decks.

“Yo, Reave. You remember how this works?” I asked and indicated the sails and the like. He let out an explosive breath.

“Kinda,” he said.

“Kinda is all I need.”

I went to the radio up by the wheel, “Harbor Master this is the Mysteria Avenge…” dinner would be cold, but who cares? I could reheat it and some things were more important.

Chapter 37

Hope

I focused on the small woman who was huddled in her man’s black hoodie. It made her look smaller. She was short, but had some curves, unlike me. She sat down in the chair at the table next to me and blushed.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” I echoed back. She laughed nervously. God this was fucking ridiculous and awkward. I didn’t want to sit here, drunk after making a total asshole out of myself in front of these people, with these people –

“Harbormaster this is the Mysteria Avenge,” I looked up sharply and narrowed my eyes. Cutter grinned down at me as the radio squawked a return in his hand.

“We’re going out?” the woman said excitedly.

“You two just try to get to know each other and bury the hatchet,” Cutter said and he was up, leaping to and fro, unhooking this, untying that and I just… well shit. It was much easier doing what he asked.

“I’m Hope,” I said.

“Hayden,” she returned carefully.

“So, um… not sure where to go from here,” I said, “I mean it’s obvious we’ve both fucked the same man,” she laughed and colored in the weak light from the harbor. The engines thrummed to life and the lights out here on deck flared to life. I blinked and put up a hand.

“Sorry, Sweetheart,” Cutter grinned down at me and it was obvious he wasn’t sorry in the slightest.

“Where are we going?” I looked at him speculatively.

“You trust me?” he asked and suddenly I was the hard focus of three pairs of eyes.

“You know I do. If I didn’t I would be with my sister right now.”

“That just shows you trust the dude that’s with her, doesn’t it?” Reaver asked, coiling one of the lines off the side of the boat.

“No. Cutter asked me to trust him, I trust Cutter, so Marlin’s with my sister,” I shrugged. It made sense in
my
head.

Cutter gently barked orders and Reaver followed through and in a few minutes time Cutter had us moving, out into the open waters. I looked up, the stars were beginning to come out, twinkling in the clear skies. Soon, the act of looking up, coupled with the rise and fall of the boat, well, my stomach roiled a bit. I was pretty sure my Cosmopolitan binge drinking didn’t help, like at all, and my inevitable heaving over the side while my current man’s ex-lover held back my hair just made my humiliation for today complete. Still, once I puked, I felt much better. Funny how that worked.

Hayden stood near me, face crumpled into lines of sympathy as she held back my hair, smoothing it back from my face, petting it really. She was just generally being a comfort while the guys steered us towards the unknown destination Cutter had in mind. All I had a mind to do was kneel on the bench running around the perimeter of the aft deck while I heaved into the churning waters off the side. Yep. Abject humiliation, full and complete, and I only had myself to blame. Fun times.

“Better?” Hayden asked and I spit.

“Not really, God I am such an
asshole
,” I groaned. Hayden huffed a small laugh.

“It could be worse,” she said and shrugged.

“Not sure how.”

She was silent and when I straightened her hands left my hair and she stood, mouth firmly shut, eyes sparkling with good humor. She really was a pretty girl. I could see why Cutter had been hooked. Still, aside from sharing hair color she and I were worlds apart which made me wonder what in the world he saw in
me.

“Oh, hey,” she said and reached out halfheartedly when I turned away. I wasn’t used to being so all over the map emotionally. This shit seriously sucked.

“Sorry. I just, I don’t know, I just don’t get it,” I said shortly. She sank down on the bench next to me.

“Don’t get what?”

I didn’t say anything, just turned my face into the breeze. Hayden sat silently with me and Reaver came around with a toothbrush loaded with paste and a bottle of water. I accepted these things gratefully and scrubbed the gross out of my mouth. Hayden didn’t push me to talk and the guys were kept a little busy. Cutter had turned off the motor and the snap of canvas and clink of catches and fittings filled the sultry evening air.

“Where are we
going
?” I asked. I didn’t like leaving things in the air like that, Cutter just laughed.

“You’ll see.”

“Better question is what will we do when we get there?” Hayden asked. I nodded. She had a point there.

“Finish up some dinner, we’re almost there. I think we’re about five minutes out or so. If fuel weren’t so damned expensive I wouldn’t have even bothered with the sails but we got a good wind,” he shrugged as if to say, ‘so fuck it,’ and let the ship’s wheel slide through his hands. I rinsed the toothbrush over the side and wrestled with my impatience.

“So um, what do you do?” Hayden tried.

“I’m a defense contractor,” I said and at her uncertain look, dumbed it down for her, “I train police departments how to disarm suspects without killing them.”

“Oh, sounds exciting,” she smiled.

“It’s a lot of paperwork,” which was true, “What about you?” I had to make at least some small effort, I mean right?

“Interior design,” she nodded, blushing faintly. Probably worried I would judge based on its excitement level or lack thereof as compared to my line of work.

“What about him?” I asked instead, sidestepping the mess entirely.

“Drywall install. We actually kind of go together,” she smiled.

“Like peanut butter and jelly!” Reaver crowed, proving he was shamelessly eavesdropping from the other side of the deck. Hayden turned and the smile she had for him lit her up from the inside out.

Wow.

“How did you get into, uh, defense contracting?” I hated that question. Really hated it, but she didn’t know. I looked over at Cutter who winked at me.

“My sisters’ dad, he,” I cleared my throat, “He never went after them, I mean, they were his and I guess that grossed him out but me… I was a different story. My mom didn’t believe me. A friend of mine, her dad put her in martial arts and we were thick as thieves. They had money so they asked my mom if they could put me in with her and my mom, the hippy, said no of course. I had to beg and plead and yeah,” I laughed a little bitterly.

“It was my stepfucker that talked her into letting me go. I took to it like a fish to water. He stopped coming into my room when I was fourteen and nearly caved his nuts in. Mom couldn’t really ignore it after that and kicked his ass out. Though to be honest, I think it was his drugging that got him kicked out more than anything.”

Three sets of eyes on me, I didn’t know what was making me say any of this. Like everything else, I didn’t generally talk about it but you know me! All in, as always.

“I stuck with the martial arts even after they split, my friend never made it and my instructor, he had a soft spot for me I guess. He let me keep coming. When I graduated high school, my mom was in real bad shape and died, I had Faith and Charity who were like ten and seven, my grades… hell, no money for college,” I sighed. “I had to support them somehow so I enlisted, the Army took what I already had and built on it. They found I had an aptitude for teaching and the rest is history.” I shrugged and for a long minute the only sound was the boat cutting through the water.

Reaver cleared his throat, “Damn. That’s fucked up.”

I shrugged, “Worse has happened, I think I turned out pretty okay all things considered.”

“Reave, man, need you to get that line,” Cutter said and his tone was dark, ominous even as he tried to get a handle on whatever he had going on inside.

Man, wasn’t I just one giant freaking ray of sunshine today? I turned to Hayden and scoffed a laugh, “Ever wish the day had some kind of reset button like some video game console?”

“I think we all do, but yeah, I’ve had some doozies.”

The boys dropped the sails and tucked them away, Cutter lashed the canvas down and dropped anchor so we wouldn’t drift. I looked around. The coast was off in one direction. Pretty close, actually. The lights from beachfront houses glimmered and though we couldn’t see anyone moving around in them, we could see the blue glow of a television here or the warm lights on the ground floor there. People were probably having their dinner.