Cutting Teeth: A Novel (17 page)

He had been surfing the net, googling “wife does not want another child” when he’d found TryingToConceive.com.

A sense of belonging had blanketed him. His situation fit several of the forum categories.
Trying to Conceive in Your 30’s
or
Trying to Conceive Baby #2
or
Trying to Conceive with In Vitro
. But the forum he longed to join, the one that reached out to him, whispering,
we will understand,
was:

I’m Ready … He’s Not! (Do you want to TTC but don’t have the support of your partner?)

Yes! He had wanted to post a confession full of exclamation points and capital letters, releasing the flood of resentment and shame he often hid from his friends, some of whom were still bachelors, and from his family, who seemed embarrassed by his infertility. He wanted to confess that if he were the woman (not that there was an unmanly bone in his body, he’d joke, wink wink), and if his husband didn’t want a baby, he would sabotage the birth control, poke holes in the condom with a pin.

He had been wary about joining. Worried the women desperate to become mommies-to-be would resent his intrusion. The womb was the ticket, after all. In the end, it was the memory of the warm welcome the playgroup mommies had given him that bolstered his confidence, and he decided (at the risk of rejection) to remain honest, picking the über-revealing username Hanksdaddy76. He introduced himself in a post in the
Newbies
forum; he was a father who wanted to conceive, or at least have the right to try; there was nothing he wanted more than another child, and his wife was not on board.

His first posting received over 2,000 views and 252 responses. Most were supportive and welcomed him, praising him for his dedication as a father. A few were cruel, calling him an imposter (even a misogynist!) and claiming he’d never understand what it meant to have a barren womb.

Weeks went by, and he posted daily. He made friends, officially called girlfriends on the site. He and three other members even formed a group. They called themselves
3 women and a daddy
.

Rip learned everything about his new friends’ trials to conceive, much revealed by the icons (or blinkies) following each member’s signatures. The
Addicted to the Stick
blinkie was a pregnancy test icon that flashed from a
−
sign to a
+
sign. The
Fertility Issues
blinkie sported a bottle of pills and a hypodermic needle. There was an infinite variety of blinkies, including a dancing smiley face that did a robotic jig, and most women reserved this for when they finally got their positive pregnancy test.

One of the women in his group—Mama2Angels—had miscarried three times. Mama2Angels’ username was followed by a stack of winged smiley faces, one for each of the babies she’d lost. In her most despairing posts, she referred to the column of angels as
my poor lost babies,
which overwhelmed Rip with self-loathing (how could he take Hank for granted?) and pity for poor Mama2Angels.

Though Rip hated to admit it, as he signed in that night at the beach house, he hoped Mama2Angels wasn’t on. He knew her presence would dampen his already hopeless mood. Her baby angels with their flapping computerized wings, her long list of miscarriages and failed IVFs; it was like watching a baseball player with horrific stats take his place at bat.

As soon as he logged on, he saw Mama2Angels was lurking, having posted in the
Please Pray
forum ten minutes earlier.
Please Pray
was where women requested prayers to be said in their name, for a conception, or for their new pregnancies to “stick”—a phrase that riddled the posts on the board, where Rip guessed most of the women had miscarried, many more than once.

Rip saw that the other two women in their clique were also online. Hopeful80 popped up first. She’d been hanging out in the
Two-Week Wait
forum, where women in the two-week purgatory between ovulation and menstruation gathered, hoping their period (
the witch
was the members’ preferred pseudonym) didn’t show up.

HOPEFUL80
    OMG!! This two-week wait is taking forever!!! Only symptoms are a pinching feeling on my right side and bloating. I really hope this is my month. Do you ladies (sorry, HANKSDADDY76! hee hee) think this sounds promising?

Me: 28 (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome)

Dear Hubby: 30 (Normal Swimmers)

Married: August 2007

2 Fur Babies (Brandy & Bailey)

TTC #1 since Nov. 2008

Miscarriage 8/13/10 6w1d (ectopic) Looking more and more like IVF in 2012 …

MAMA2ANGELS
    I’ll pray for you, HOPEFUL80! Put your trust in the hands of God!

Me: 39

Husband: 42

June 2005—mc @ 6 weeks

July 2007—mc @ 8 weeks

March 2010—mc @ 9.5 weeks

On the TTC journey as of January 2005

XCITED_2BA_MOMMY
    Hi ladies and gentleman!

Re: HOPEFUL80—Your symptoms seem promising!! Fingers crossed that the WITCH
doesn’t arrive for you. She sure is one tricky lady! I had a chemical preg last month and it was so hard when the witch showed up two days later!!!

Hoping for sticky beans this month!

Me: 32

Fiance: 38

Daughter: Mackenzie DOB 5/22/07

TTC #2 since December 2009

Diagnosis: Unexplained infertility

Member of “Clomid Chicks”

HANKSDADDY76
    ahem, ahem. hello, ladies! Poor Hank is all stopped up. Anybody know of a good natural remedy that can loosen my boy up?

Me: 36

My Wife: 35

Son: Henry (aka Hank the Tank) DOB 8/3/2006 (IVF #3)

TTC #2 since December 2009

Diagnosis: Sperm mobility

The responses came rapid-fire, and Rip tapped the
REFRESH
button again and again (loud enough to make Grace stir on the bed) as post after post of suggestions appeared.

A tablespoon of syrup, suggested Hopeful80.

One teaspoon of ground flaxseeds sprinkled over his morning cereal, offered Xcited_2BA_Mommy.