Cyberabad Days (33 page)

     "Look and listen, you bulging pampered privileged no-right-to-call-yourself-a-proper-Brahmin brat," he would say. "These eyes these ears, use them and learn. This is the world and you are in it and of it and there is no other. If I can teach you this I will have taught you all you ever need to learn."

     He was a stern moralist, very proper and Islamic. I looked at Miss Mukudan differently then, wondering what assessments she had made that assigned Mr. Khan especially to me. He had been programmed just for Vishnu? How had he been built? Did he spring into being perfectly formed or did he have a history, and how did he think of this past? Did he know it for a lie, but a treasured one? Was he like the self-deceiving aeai actors of Town and Country who believed they existed separately from the roles they played? If he masqueraded as intelligent, did that mean he was intelligent? Was intelligence the only thing that could not be simulated? Such thoughts were immensely interesting to a strange little boy suddenly becoming aware of those other strange citizens of his tight world. What was the nature of the aeais, those ubiquitous and for the most part unseen denizens of great Delhi? I became quite the junior philosopher.

     "What is right to you?" I asked him one day as we rode back in the Lexus through a Delhi melted by the heat into an impermeable black sludge. It was Ashura. Mr. Khan had told me of the terrible battle of Karbala and the war between the sons of the Prophet (Peace Be upon Him). I watched the chanting, wailing men carrying the elaborate catafalques, flogging their backs bloody, beating their foreheads and chests. The world, I was beginning to realize, was far stranger than I.

     "Never mind what is right to me, impudent thing. You have the privileges of a god, you're the one who needs to think about right action," Mr. Khan declared. In my vision he sat beside me on the back seat of the Lex, his hands primly folded in his lap.

     "It's a serious question." Our driver hooted up alongside the dour procession. "How can right action mean anything to you, when anything you do can be undone and anything you undo can be done again? You're chains of digits, what do you need morality for?" Only now was I beginning to understand the existence of the aeais, which had begun with the mystery of TikkaTikka, Pooli, Badshanti, and Nin living together and sharing common code inside my plastic butterfly. Common digits but separate personalities. "It's not as if you can hurt anyone."

     "So right action is refraining from causing pain, is it?" "I think that it's the start of right action."

     "These men cause pain to themselves to express sorrow for wrong action; albeit the actions of their spiritual forebears. In so doing they believe they will make themselves more moral men. Consider those Hindu saddhus who bear the most appalling privations to achieve spiritual purity."

     "Spiritual purity isn't necessarily morality," I said, catching the line Mr. Khan had left dangling for me. "And they choose to do it to themselves. It's something else altogether if they choose to do it to others."

     "Even if it means those others may be made better men?"

     "They should be left to make their own minds up about that."

     We cruised past the green-draped faux-coffin of the martyr.

     "So what then is the nature of my relationship with you? And your mother and father?"

     My Mamaji, my Dadaji! Two years after that conversation, almost to the day, my flawless memory recalls, when I was a seven-year-old in a three-and-a-half-year-old body and Sarasvati was a cat-lean, ebullient four, my mother and father very gently, very peacefully, divorced. The news was broken by the two of them sitting at opposite ends of the big sofa in the lounge with the smog of Delhi glowing in the afternoon sun like a saffron robe. A full range of aeai counseling support hovered around the room, in case of tears or tantrums or anything else they couldn't really handle. I remember feeling a suspicion of Mr. Khan on the edge of my perceptions. Divorce was easy for Muslims. Three words and it was over.

     "We have something to tell you, my loves," said my mother. "It's me and your father. Things haven't been going so well with us for quite some time and, well, we've decided that it would be best for everyone if we were to get a divorce."

     "But it won't mean I'll ever stop being your Dad," plump Tushar said quickly. "Nothing'll change, you'll hardly even notice. You'll still keep living here, Shiv will still be with me."

     Shiv. I hadn't forgotten him—I couldn't forget him—but he had slipped from my regard. He was more distant than a cousin, less thought of than those remote children of your parents' cousin, to whom I've never considered myself related at all. I did not know how he was doing at school or who his friends were or what sports teams he was on. I did not care how he lived his life or pursued his dreams across that great wheel of lives and stories. He was gone from me.

     We nodded bravely and trembled our lips with the right degree of withheld emotion and the counsel-aeais dissolved back into their component code clusters. Much later in the room we had shared as bubbling babies and which was now our mutual den, Sarasvati asked me, "What's going to happen to us?"

     "I don't think we'll even notice," I said. "I'm just glad they can stop having that ugly, embarrassing sex."

     Ah! Three little letters. Sex sex sex, the juggernaut looming over our childhoods. The kiddy thrill of being naked—doubly exciting in our body-modest society—took an edge and became something I did not quite understand. Oh, I knew all the words and the locations, as Sarasvati and I played our games of doctors and patients in our den, her pulling up her little vest and pulling down her pants as I listened and examined and prodded vaguely. We knew these were grown-up things not for the eyes of grown-ups. Mamaji would have been horrified and called in squadrons of counseling 'ware if she had discovered our games, but I had long since suborned the aeais. If she had looked at the security monitors she would have seen us watching the Cartoon Network; my own little CG Town and Country playing just for her. Sex games for children; everyone plays them. Bouncing up and down in the pool, pressing ourselves against the jets in the rooftop spa, suspecting something in the lap of artificial waves across our private places as ochre dust-smog from the failed monsoon suffocated Delhi. And when we played horsey-horsey, she riding me around like Lakshmibai the warrior rani, there was more in the press of her thighs than just trying to hold on as I cantered across the carpets. I knew what it should be; I was mostly baffled by my body's failure to respond the way an-eleven-year-old's ought. My lust may have been eleven but my body was still a child's. Even Miss Mukudan's purity and innocence lost its luster as I began to notice the way her breasts moved as she leaned over me, or the shape of her ass—demurely swathed in a sari, but no concealment was enough for the lusty curiosity of boy-Brahmins—as she turned to the smart-silk board.

     "Now," Mr. Khan said one day on the back seat of the Lexus. "Concerning onanism . . ." It was dreadful realization. By the time puberty hit me like a hammer I would be twenty-four. Mine was the rage and impotence of angels.

     Now five burning years have passed and we are driving in a fast German car. I am behind the wheel. The controls have been specially modified so that I can reach the pedals; the gearshift is a standard. If I cut you up on the Siri Ring, after the flicker of road rage, you'd wonder: that's a child driving that Mercedes. I don't think so. I'm of legal age. I passed my test without any bribery or coercion; well, none that I know of. I am old enough to drive, get married, and smoke. And I smoke. We all smoke, my Little Brahmin classmates and me. We smoke like stacks, it can't do us any harm, though we are all wearing smog masks. The monsoon has failed for the fourth time in seven years; whole tracts of north India are turning into dust and blowing through the hydrocarbon-clogged streets and into our lungs. A dam is being built on the Ganges, Kunda Khadar, on the border with our eastern neighbor Bharat. It is promised to slake our thirst for a generation but the Himalaya glaciers have melted into gravel and Mother Ganga is starved and frail. The devotees at the Siva temple in the middle of the Parliament Street roundabout protest at the insult to the holy river with felt-marker banners and three-pronged trisuls. We bowl past them, hooting and waving, and up Sansad Marg around Vijay Chowk. The comics portraying us as Awadh's new superheroes were quietly dropped years ago. Now what we see about ourselves in print tends to be headlines like TINY TEARAWAYS TERRORISE TILAK NAGAR, or BADMASH BABY BRAHMINS.

     There are four of us, Purrzja, Shayman, Ashurbanipal, and me. We are all from the college—still the Brahminical College!—but when we are out we all have our own names, names we've made up for ourselves that sound strange and alien, like our DNA. Strange and alien we make ourselves look too; our own style cobbled from any source that seems remote and outré: J-punk hair, Chinese bows and ribbons, French street-sports fashion, and tribal makeup entirely of our own design. We are the scariest-looking eight-year-olds on the planet. By now Sarasvati is a coltish, classy thirteen-year-old. Our closeness has unraveled; she has her own social circles and friends and crushing things of the heart that seem so important to her. Shiv, so I hear, is in his first year at the University of Awadh Delhi. He won a scholarship. Best marks in his school. He's followed his father into informatics. Me, I howl up and down the boulevards of Delhi trapped in the body of a kid.

     We race past the open arms of the Rashtrapati Bhavan. The red stone looks insubstantial as sand in the amber murk.

     "That's your home, that is, Vish," Purrzja shouts through her mask. It's well known that Mamaji has plans for me. Why should she not? Every other part of me is designed. A good legal job, a prominent practice, a safe parliamentary seat, and a steady, planned ascent towards the top of whatever political party afforded the best chance of ambition. It's assumed that one day I will lead the nation. I'm designed to rule. I floor the pedal and the big Merc leaps forwards. Traffic parts like my divine counterpart churning the soma. Their autodrive aeais make them as nervous as pigeons.

     Out on the Siri Ring: eight lanes of taillights in each direction, a never ceasing roar of traffic. The car eases into the flow. Despite the barriers and warning signs police pull twenty bodies a day from the soft shoulder. The Ring does not obey old Indian rules of traffic. Men race here, hedge-fund managers and datarajas and self-facilitating media Mughals; racing around the twin chambers of Delhi's heart. I flick on the autodrive. I am not here to race. I am here for sex. I recline the driving seat, roll over, and Ashurbanipal is beneath me. Her hair is drawn back behind her ear to show off the plastic curl of the 'hoek. It's part of the look.

     I snap the fingers of my right hand into my palm to activate the software in the palmer glove. I hold that hand a hovering few centimeters above her fluorescent-body-paint-stained belly. I don't touch. We never touch. That's the rule. Sex has rules. I move my hand over Ashurbanipal in a series of gestures as gentle and precise as any classical dancer's mudras. Not touching, never touching, never even flexing a finger. It's not about physical touch. It's our own thing. But inside her head, I am touching her, more intimately than any rubbing or pushing or chafing of parts. The 'hoek beams signals through the bone, stimulating those parts of the brain that correspond to my slow calligraphy. I am writing my signature across her body. As she in return maps the me drawn on the inside of my skull. How does it feel? Like a cat must feel when it's stroked. Like an otter must feel diving and turning and performing its underwater acrobatics. Like a fire must feel when the wind catches it and sweeps it up a forested mountainside. And without the poetry: like I want to cringe and melt at the same time. Like I must move in a direction I can't explain and my body can't express. Like there is something in my mouth that grows bigger with every second but never changes size, like a reverse turd, only sweet and joyful, is working its way back up into my colon. Like I need to pee something that isn't pee that my body hasn't learned yet. Like I want this to end and never end. It goes on for a long long time and terrible little crying noises come out of our eight-year-aged lips as the aeai steers us through the howling torus of traffic on Siri Ring. We are teens and we are making out in the car.

     There is a coming. Oh yes, there is a coming. Like soft fireworks, or the giggling drop at the top of a Ferris wheel, or the feeling you get on those nights when the air is clear and you can see out from the roof pool all the billion lights of Delhi and you are connected to every single one. Like a djinn, made of fire. Ecstatic and guilty and dirty, like you've shouted a dirty word at a sophisticated party. My nipples are very very sensitive.

     Then I start with Purrzja. And then Shayman. As I said, it's entirely our own thing. It's well into dark by the time we raise our seats and straighten our clothing and re-gel our hair and I flick off the autodrive and take us up out and over the Ring on a curving off-ramp to a club. It's a bit of a freak place—nutes like it and where nutes are welcome we are usually welcome—but the door knows us—knows our money—and there are always chati-mag paps there. Tonight is no exception: we pose and pimp and preen for the cameras. I can write the society column headlines already. GENE-TWEAK FREAKS ON COCKTAIL CLUB ORGY Except we don't drink. We're underage for that.

     It's always late when we get back. Only the house steward and aeais wait up for us, gently chiding that it is a school day tomorrow. Don't they understand that those are the best nights? This night the lights are on in the big drawing room. I can see them from the approach to the car park. My mother waits for me. She's not alone. There's a man and a woman with her, money people, I can tell that right away from their shoes, their fingernails, their teeth, the cut of their clothes, and the prickle of aeai servitors hovering around them; all those things I can assess in a glance.