Dalton, Tymber - Love and Brimstone [Brimstone Vampires 1] (Siren Publishing Classic) (42 page)

I love you, Rafe. I don’t know why, but I do. I’ll never forget you. I wish I could have given you that chance. I’ll look for you first in our next life. I promise you have dibs. I don’t know how, but I will.

Anastazia touched his hand, his flesh cold, and tucked it under the blanket. She kissed her fingers and touched them to his lips, remembering their kiss on the boardwalk, their dinner, and how much they shared in such a short amount of time.

Taz felt Matthias’ hand on her shoulder. “It’s not your fault.” His voice sounded hoarse, full of barely restrained grief. Matthias put an arm around her, and with his free hand replaced the blanket over Rafe’s face. “You didn’t kill him.”

“I feel like I did,” she whispered, her voice breaking.

“No, you didn’t. The
daemon pulverem
killed him, and whoever is responsible for sending them. Not you. He was much, much older than you and very powerful. He knew the risks, knew how to protect himself.”

She tried to protest then sent him her thoughts. Showed him what she did to Rafe the night before, too ashamed to speak it out loud.

His voice interrupted her. “Anastazia. Listen to me. You are my love, my one and only love, and you are not responsible for this.”

How could Matthias
not
hate her? Not only that, still
love
her? It amazed her, and again Taz wondered if he loved her because he wanted her or because she wanted him to.

Then he kissed her, and she felt Matthias inside her mind, gently seeking, probing. She let him, opening to him in her grief, baring herself. She might be more powerful, but he was more experienced. She wanted him in there now, wanted him to have his way.

“My love…”

She realized there was a way. Rafael had told her.

“Please do it, Matthias. Make it stop hurting. Mark me.”

She felt his mind caressing hers and wanted him to be the only one able to touch her thoughts like this. She never wanted to be the cause of another innocent’s death. She wanted the pain to go away, even at the risk of her own life.

She would rather die than hurt like this. Now she understood what Rafe meant about pain. She wasn’t responsible for her parents’ death. That had hurt, but that was a dull ache compared to this agony.

This felt like her heart would implode. She hadn’t taken Rafe’s breath from his body, but she left him open and defenseless. In her heart, she knew he’d died because of her.

Died loving her.

“Take me, Matthias. Mark me. Please, do it.”

He shook his head. “Please don’t ask this of me.”

“You have to. You can do this for me. I’m giving myself to you.”

Taz stopped short of forcing him. Matthias closed his eyes, touched his forehead to hers, and she felt him search through her mind.

“Are you sure? I cannot undo this once it’s done.”

“Please! I can’t stand this,” she sobbed. “Please do it. Rafe is dead because of me.”

He took her pain away. There was a blinding light in her mind and his voice—

“Sleep, my love.”

Her body went limp in his arms. He picked her up and carried her back to their cabin.

* * * *

Matthias closed the door. She was asleep on their bed, would hopefully sleep until morning.

“I
cannot
believe you did that!” Robertson protested in low tones outside the cabin when Matthias returned. “I don’t care that she begged. You had no right! She didn’t understand the full ramifications of what it means.”

“You didn’t feel how desperate she was, how close to breaking. She holds herself personally responsible for his death. What was I to do, let her suffer? Let her blame herself?”

“Bloody hell, it was just a kiss, Matthias! Jesus Christ, Rafael was a flirt. He did stuff like that all the time, you know that.”

Matthias fixed Tim with his gaze. “Matthias, what happened?”

Matthias shook his head. “She wouldn’t want me to tell anyone. Not even you. Let’s just say she got a taste of how powerful she is, and it got away from her. She thinks what she did caused a breach in Rafael’s defenses and allowed the demons access, and she feels very guilty and ashamed.”

Looking stunned, Albert asked, “Did she?”

“There is a chance she’s right.”

Tim fought to keep his voice low. “You took her free will, Matthias. There is no excusing that.” For the first time in the centuries he’d known him, Tim hated Matthias, regretted letting him meet Anastazia. “For all the promises you gave me of letting her get to know you and make her own decisions, then you go and mark her? How could you
do
that?”

“I didn’t.”

“What?”

Matthias studied the ground. “I didn’t mark her.”

He grabbed Matthias by the arm and pulled him farther from the cabin. “She begged you. We all heard it. We were standing right there.”

Albert followed the conversation, obviously listening, but staying out of it.

Matthias looked at them. “I didn’t do what she asked.”

“Then what
did
you do?”

He looked down. “She was upset and didn’t realize what I was doing. Wasn’t doing. She’s so strong, she thought I would have to do what she wanted, but she was not forcing me. I never could have done it otherwise. I simply made her to go to sleep.”

Matthias fought his own tears. He’d glimpsed something in her mind, a suspicion, a fleeting idea that if true, made Rafael’s death all the more poignant. But now, in
this
life, Anastazia loved him—Matthias saw the depths of it in her thoughts, despite her feelings for Rafe. He saw how remorseful she was and how she’d come to him in the night after leaving Rafe.

She hurt so much, was in so much pain. And now he bore his own guilt for bringing her into a life she wasn’t yet ready for. If anyone was to blame, it was him.

Albert found his voice first. “She can still—”

Matthias looked at them, anger painted on his face. “I don’t want her if she doesn’t choose me willingly. What’s the point of having someone who can’t choose freedom? I want to be her husband, not her jailer. I had to do something, but I refuse to mark her.”

Tim clasped Matthias’ arm, and shook his head in amazement. “You’re bloody brilliant, you know that? I was sure you’d marked her. She practically ordered you to do it.”

Albert reached out to his friend, touched his arm. “Matthias, are you okay?”

“Rafe knew the risks. I understand her pain. I’m responsible for his death because he was here at my request.” His face darkened, and his voice dropped. “I will avenge him.”

“How will you keep this from her?” Tim gently asked. “You’ve given her full access. You will have to block her from your mind, at least from that part of it. What is she going to think when she finds out that you didn’t mark her? You know she’s stronger than you. It’s only a matter of time.”

Matthias shook his head. “I don’t know. I’m hoping she doesn’t notice until later, when she has learned enough and can accept she’s not to blame. If she does, I won’t lie to her.” He looked at them both. “But she’s not ready. You’re right that she didn’t understand what she asked. She thought she did, but she was only thinking of her pain. Her grief is so strong. She was near breaking. And I need her focused on her survival. Rafe would want that.”

The other two nodded in agreement.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Matthias didn’t sleep. He sat next to Taz in their bed, propped up with several pillows, watching her. Her pain was now his. He couldn’t blame her for what she did any more than he could blame a two-year-old for coloring on the walls. And that guilt was his. Alone.

Before dawn she rolled over in bed, and her hand touched his leg. She stirred, looked up at him, smiled.

He smiled back. “Did you sleep well?”

Taz nodded, stretched, started to speak, and then saw Rafael’s ring on her hand. She looked Matthias in the eye. Her face froze, and then a look of horror washed over her.

“What? Anastazia, what’s wrong?”

She sat up. “You didn’t—you didn’t mark me.”

He didn’t know what to say. He honestly hadn’t expected her to figure it out that soon. He shook his head.

She turned away from him. “Rafe—”

Matthias grabbed her, turned her to face him. “Listen to me. You did
not
kill Rafael.”

“How can you say that?”

He gently shook her. “You did not kill him. Those creatures killed him.”

“Matthias, he couldn’t keep me out if he tried. He died because of me, what I did.” He felt the curtain of despair settle around her, black and suffocating.

Matthias roughly pulled her to him. He kissed her hard, and she eventually responded. Once he knew he had her attention, he released her. “You did
not
kill Rafael.”

She started to shake her head. He placed his hands on her cheeks, forcing her to look at him. “I didn’t understand, at first. When you held the demon’s mind for me, I saw what happened to Rafael. He thought it was you coming back, and he welcomed you in. It was someone working with them, I’m still not sure who, and then they took him over. He was in control of his mind when it happened, not you. I didn’t understand everything until you showed me the rest.”

Tears rolled down her face. He felt her mind reaching for his. He opened himself to her, letting her explore, and she saw for herself. And understood.

He put his arms around her, and she collapsed against him. “I’m so sorry, Matthias. I’m so, so sorry. I understand now. I know what you meant.”

“I know you do. I’m sorry you had to learn like this. I tried to make it stop hurting.” He rocked her, stroking her hair, caressing her mind. “Rafe was here, willingly, helping us. He knew the risks.”

“It hurts so bad. I just want it to stop hurting.”

“I know,” he soothed. He had his own grief to deal with, but for the moment her safety and comfort were his priority. “But I won’t force you to love me,” he whispered. “We can get through this together. Our grief will ease, in time. Just let me help you through it. That’s all I ask.”

“How did you stand it when your wife died?”

“I put one foot in front of the other.” He kissed her. “I knew, eventually, would come a day when the hurt would subside enough I would not think about it all the time. And now I have you.”

“You don’t hate me?”

He shook his head. “Over this? Over anything? I could never hate you. This is my fault. I asked you to trust me. Instead of trying to push you, I should have locked you in here with me and spent the days letting you go through my mind so you would understand. You are starting a new life, and it’s my responsibility to teach you everything you need to survive. I have failed you.”

“How did you get past…the power? I—” She felt awkward talking to him, but she felt his mental nudge to go on. “I felt like I didn’t want to stop because of what I could do. The control I had over him.”

“Some don’t. It depends on what is in their heart.”

“What happens to them?”

“The answer is here.” He welcomed her to look in his mind. She did, saw why he didn’t want to talk about it. Even though it was centuries in the past, it was still fresh and horrible in his mind. After just a glance she pulled away, unable to deal with it.