Damned If You Do (34 page)

‘Who the bugger is that?' said War.

‘This is Hell,' Death replied, pushing the corpse into the room. ‘He's my new assistant.'

‘Oh dear,' said Famine.

‘This
is
something of a surprise,' Pestilence added. ‘I presume you cleared it with the Chief?'

Death ignored him. He seemed to have more pressing business with Skirmish, to whom he spoke firmly: ‘I'm afraid you're going to have to eat elsewhere from now on … Until we find a larger table, of course.'

Skirmish, too shocked by Death's continued existence to argue, picked up his food and retreated to the corner stool, where he spent the rest of his meal scowling and sulking.

Hell was invited to sit down in his place; and after a little confusion and a great many questions, he did so. Death selected a white mouse from the customary trio and offered it to his assistant. Hell seized it by the tail, positioned it carefully on his plate … and began to stroke it softly.

Then he fell off his chair.

*   *   *

Over the next few weeks, the new Agent's intelligence and coordination skills showed no signs of improvement. During several meals he was observed playing with the saloon doors, walking into walls, and trying to eat his plate. In the office, he managed to knock over every column of paper on three separate occasions, and put his elbow through the window twice. Taking Cerberus for a walk on the meadow, he annoyed the animal so much that it savaged him – and he had to be reassembled again, this time with stitches.

Most importantly, during working hours his good-natured incompetence caused many of Death's clients to cheat their fate, at least temporarily … And for a very short while, a very few people lived a little longer.

But it didn't last.

Also by Gordon Houghton

The Dinner Party

DAMNED IF YOU DO
. Copyright © 1999 by Gordon Houghton. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address Picador USA, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10010.

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First published in Great Britain under the title
The Apprentice
by Anchor, a division of Transworld Publishers Ltd

First Picador USA Edition: July 2000

eISBN 9781466890589

First eBook edition: January 2015