Damselfly (19 page)

I gather all of my focus and get myself to an independently upright position.

“You’ve got it!” Row shouts. “Way to go!”

If it was anyone else, I would feel patronized. I can’t see Row’s face, but I can imagine his guileless smile.

As we hurtle through the spray, I wonder how it’s possible to think so highly of Row but feel so completely unlike my best self when he’s around. It’s not that he’s doing anything wrong either.

Maybe it’s just me.

Chapter 23

Later that day, while the sun sinks into the molten fire of the orange ocean, I sit with the Toms around a sputtering bonfire of tightly rolled paper.

Today was the first time I’ve gotten to really spread my wings since the show began, and my muscles are already aching. I’ve got that sleepy-contented feeling you have after a long day spent playing in the sunshine. After I took a long, hot bath in rosewater (of all things), Susanna said I was positively glowing. She only gave me some lip gloss and the slightest dusting of powder. Even Tina went easy on me. When they handed me a mirror to survey the results, I was surprised to see my old self staring back. I’m even wearing a yellow-and blue-striped sundress that resembles something I would make myself.

One of the “logs” wheezes and spits out a spark toward the darkening sky. Our group date is almost over and we’re still wearing our microphones, but no one talks. It’s a comfortable silence.

Comfortable. I never thought I would feel that way with any of these guys. The only one who looks uneasy is Perry, and I’m pretty sure that’s because he has a roaring headache. The poor guy looks like he’s going to either puke or fall asleep. Maybe both. At once.

I go to sit next to him. He’s staring hard at the fire as if he’s trying to force his eyes to focus.

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

He winces at my voice. “I’ve been better.”

“I got a concussion once, and I slept for, like, an entire day afterward.”

“Isn’t that the opposite of what you’re supposed to do? I asked if I could go and lie down, but Dr. C. and company won’t let me.”

“Yeah, well, mine was before the show. I hope you feel better soon. I bet you’ll sleep like a baby tonight.”

“Yeah. Thanks.” He rubs the bridge of his nose and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Can I get you anything?”

“I’d really love a drink of water.”

“Sure thing.” I’ve only taken two steps toward the beverage table before Row and Al are on their feet, asking me what I need. “I’m fine, guys. Just chill out for a bit.”

When I return with Perry’s water, Row is going on and on about how amazing I am at surfing. I got up on my first try! I barely needed any help at all! I’m such a natural!

“Well, she already knew how,” Al interjects into Row’s series of exclamation marks.

Row’s exuberance fades into confusion. “What?”

“She told me on the plane that she already learned.”

“But how?” All eyes are on me now. I guess Al never made the connection that, in order for me to learn online, I must have broken a few rules. The other guys, however, have definitely clued in on that by the looks on their faces.

“I learned in a construct,” I say. “A friend taught me.” There’s no use hiding it since Dr. Christiansen already knows. And I’m sure she’s going to edit this part out anyway.

“Isn’t that…against policy?” asks Blue.

“So what if it is?” I lift my chin, challenging him to look down on me.

Shrike laughs. “I love it.” He stands and applauds.

Row studies my face. He’s already made the connection between my online love and my surfing instructor. I find I like him better when he’s been brought down to earth. He seems more…reachable. Like someone who might have a shot at understanding me.

“What sort of friend?” asks Crane.

I roll my eyes and try to brush it off. “A…friend. I didn’t grow up the way you guys did. I never got to have anyone around my own age or size. If you were me, you would have done the same thing.”

I don’t dare look at Blue. I can feel his piercing stare anyway, and I don’t need to get skewered through my eyeballs. My cheeks grow hot despite my best efforts to look calm and collected, and I’m afraid to say anything else because my throat’s run dry.

Perry’s staring down into his empty glass, and Al and Shrike are giving each other raised eyebrows.

“I can’t believe this is such a big deal,” I sputter. “I met a friend online. Why do any of you care?” As soon as the words are out of my mouth, guilt washes over me. They
should
care. They should care very much that they’re competing for my affections while I’m in love with someone else.

Row clears his throat. “You’re right. It’s not our place to judge.” He stands and offers me his arm. “Let’s go get some ice cream.”

“Yes, please.” I link my arm through his and, as we walk to the giant ice cream cone and hot fudge fountain, I give his hand a squeeze of thanks.

“Remember what I said,” he whispers. “You can still make the best of this.”

Numbly, I nod, but something clicks into place inside my heart. I glance at the rest of the Toms sitting in uncomfortable silence around the fire. Only moments earlier, the mood was completely different. All it took was one revelation from me to change everything. I’ve never had that sort of power before. I’ve never even wanted it. But now, like it or not, the happiness of six guys hinges on how I handle myself from here on out.

I can’t choose one of them just to keep Jack safe. The one I choose will know it’s an act, that my heart’s not in it. He might not be able to articulate why he thinks that, but there will always be a distance, that question between us. None of these guys deserve that.

Each one of the Toms deserves a girl’s whole heart, all her love. Jack has already laid claim to mine, but I wonder what will happen if I give in to the tug I feel toward Row. What will happen if I…let go?

Tears surge into my eyes, and I almost drop the scoop of ice cream I’m ferrying toward my bowl. A sob pushes against my throat, but I force it down. I follow Row to the bonfire, but all I can see in my mind’s eye is Jack.

The conversation turns to easy talk about the surf, the view, the crazy paparazzi, but I am unable to smile. My face feels as though it’s been frozen.

And in my heart, I’m wrapping my arms tightly around all I know about Jack. I’m tying him to me so I can’t let him go.

***

Susanna is already asleep when I slip out of bed and flutter to the open window. The screen is the only thing separating me from the outside world. I sit cross-legged inside the window frame and watch the moths zip and zap against the lanterns illuminating the pool. I squeeze my toes around the metal guide piece at the bottom of the window so the cold can soothe my tired, aching feet. The photo sessions are starting to really wear on me because I’m not used to spending so much time standing in one place

I’m not sure why Dr. Christiansen has relaxed her security code where I’m concerned, but it’s a welcome relief, even while it makes me somewhat nervous. Is she so confident in my continued cooperation?

I press my forehead to my knees and groan. For once, I’m happy that my voice is too small to wake anyone up. I could ramble out loud and Susanna’s snores would continue on unabated.

I wonder if Mr. Coxworth has found any new information about the other Thumbelinas. I didn’t get a chance to talk to him before we left for Hawaii. I casually asked Susanna earlier if she had any idea why there is only one of me while there are six of the Toms and she brushed off the question, but I could tell she knows something. She’s just not telling me. Mr. Coxworth did say he found out through the papers, but I have no access to the Internet. No one will let me get within a foot of a tablet in order to read the news. Right after the group date, I saw one of the production assistants showing off his brand-new Bexter 4000 tablet with holographic keyboard. When I flew over to see what the fuss was all about, he immediately turned it off.

I was hoping Susanna would have one so I could use it when she was asleep, but she dutifully turned hers in to Dr. Christiansen before we were locked in for the night.

My hand presses against the screen. It wouldn’t be so hard to cut a slit into it and slip outside. But where would I go?

A flitter of orange wings inside the hibiscus hedge outside my window catches my eye. Row peeks his head around a wilting bloom. He grins at me and waves before flying over. I tug my sweater around me. I’m only wearing white pajama shorts, a tank top and the sweater, and I’m feeling a little self-conscious.

“What are you doing?” I hiss at him when he flies over.

“It’s just me. I wasn’t sure if you’d be up, but I thought I would check.”

“How did you get out?”

He brandishes a razor blade. “They forgot to remove the courtesy razors from the bathroom in our suite. And it’s a beautiful night. May I?” He points to the screen.

I bite my lip but nod. He slices an opening barely long enough for me to slide through and holds my elbow as I twist out into the cool night air.

The moonlight glitters off of the puddles remaining from the light shower earlier in the evening, and the air still carries the faint veil of humidity.

“Check out the stars,” Row says, pointing upward.

Indeed, the sky is so clear now I can even see the haziness of the Milky Way.

“This way. I know a spot where we’ll be able to see better.”

I follow him out to the pool but hesitate by the fence. “They’ll see us if we go out there.”

“Everyone’s asleep, Lina. Just trust me.”

“Well, obviously not
everyone
is sleeping. We’re not.”

“I know, but no one will be looking for us on the lily pads.”

I peek around him and notice the plastic green lily pads floating in the pool. They have raised, scalloped rims and votive candles burning in the centers. It’s a perfect hiding place.

We lie as flat on our backs as our wings will allow on top of the centermost lily pad. The candle sputters in its glass lantern near our feet as we watch the stars in silence. Our vantage point gives us an almost unobstructed view of the sky, save for the black outlines of the palm fronds. Row’s put a respectable distance between the two us so I don’t feel that same heat I do every time he touches me. Thank goodness for that—I don’t need any more confusion right now.

A meteorite streaks across the sky before blinking out right above us, and Row’s breath quickens.

I have never seen the Milky Way like this before. It’s so clear I can imagine flying through its filmy layers of glitter. The stars don’t even blink; they’re solid points of brilliant light pouring down on us. I can even see faint hints of red and orange and blue surrounding them. It’s all so vividly real. And I thought the Hawaiian sky in the construct was beautiful.

A light breeze waves over the fragrance of the magnolia trees. This is what was missing from my date with Jack: the smells, the sensations, the vividness. The thought has the taste of blasphemy, as though I’m growing out of something precious and well-loved, like a beloved stuffed animal from childhood. Jack himself is beginning to fade a little in my memories. I can’t recall his face as clearly as I once did no matter how hard I try to trace out his dark lashes and high cheekbones inside my mind. I can’t even remember the sound of his voice. And no matter how hard I try to ignore it, the fact that our date would have been completely different if it had happened in person keeps popping up like an unwelcome guest. At least Row knows Daphne loves him as he is, six inches and all.

“Row?”

“Lina?” He rolls onto his side, smile solidly in place.

“Do you miss Daphne?”

“Yes, but I don’t think about it as often anymore. It’s been months since I saw or heard from her.”

“Does that bother you? I mean, that you don’t think about it as much?”

“It did at first, but I guess it’s for the best. It never would have worked out. I’d hate to miss out on something because I was thinking about her.” He doesn’t meet my eyes. “She wouldn’t have wanted that. And I don’t want that for her either.”

I squeeze my eyes shut. “I can’t think of Jack being with someone else yet.”

“No, I don’t blame you.” He pauses, gives a little cough, and continues tentatively. “But has it occurred to you maybe he has moved on? I mean, how long has he known by now? A month?”

A horrible churning sensation takes over my gut, and goose bumps sprout all over my body. I haven’t considered that possibility until now, although I think some part of me always knew it could happen. I can’t believe Jack would shut me out so quickly.

“I’m sorry, Lina,” Row says, his voice gentle. “I wouldn’t ever ask you to forget about him.”

“I couldn’t even if I tried,” I whisper, pretending to rub something out of my eye. “But I’m so tired of knowing I can’t have him.” A shaky laugh burbles out of me. “And I’m really sick of crying about it. I’ve never been such a big baby before.”

“You’re not a baby.”

My breathing is returning to normal, my tears under control. “I thought it was so real. Even though it was all online, it was so…alive. But now that I’m here, in all of this…” I wave my hand up at the sky. “I was only getting half of the real thing. I don’t even know what he’s like in person, and I thought I knew him so well. I never even got to kiss him.”

“Well,” he says carefully, “that would have been a little bit awkward.”

“Are you speaking from experience?”

“Nope!”

“Ha.”

We descend into silence again. I move my feet closer to the candle for warmth.

And then, out of the blue, Row asks, “Can I hold your hand?”

I’m startled but surprised to discover the answer is, “Yes.”

His warm fingers weave themselves through my own, and he gives my hand a squeeze. The electricity races up my arm, through my head, and down to my groin. My heart beats so hard I’m afraid to speak.

“Did you feel that?” he whispers.

“Yeah,” I breathe, suddenly shy. There are goose bumps all over my head. Guilt and elation swirl together until I cannot tell one from the other.