Dance While You Can (8 page)

Mrs Jenkins sailed by and didn’t even look in our direction, but we stayed in the doorway for several minutes after she had gone, numbed by how close we had come to discovery. We looked at each other. This, we knew, was only the beginning. In the privacy of our little room in Bayswater, it had been easy for us to tell each other how bravely we would face the world. The reality was different.

The evening ruined, we walked back to the hotel in silencè. By the time we arrived I had made up my mind what I was going to do. Seeing Mrs Jenkins had made me almost sick with shame: I, like her was supposed to be a responsible member of the school staff. Suddenly I could imagine the accusing eyes of Alexander’s parents, Miss Angrid, Mr Lorimer, Mr Ellery, and the rest of the boys who had placed their trust in me. I had been crazy to allow things to go this far. Had I ever really, in the past few days, thought about what I was doing to Alexander, stopped to consider what effect all this might have on him? He was too young to know his own mind, he was headstrong, determined and spoiled. He might look and behave older than he was, but that didn’t change the fact that he wasn’t yet seventeen. Our relationship had to stop now, no matter what pain it might cause me, because that was nothing compared to the damage I would cause him if I let it go on.

Before he could push open the door of the hotel, I stopped him and made him turn round to face me. ‘Alexander,’ I said, softly, ‘I want you to go inside now and collect your things. No. No. Please don’t say anything, don’t let’s argue, I couldn’t bear it. We’ve got to say good-bye, my darling, so let it be now, before the outside world can spoil what we have had together. I’ve decided that it would be for the best if I don’t come back to Foxton’s in the New Year . . . .’

‘Elizabeth.’ He put his hand over my mouth. ‘I’m staying here with you. Come inside, please. We have to talk, I know we do, but don’t try to push me away like this.’

My voice was constricted by the loss I was already feeling. ‘It’s easier this way, Alexander. If we talk it’ll only make it more difficult. I’m going for a walk. Please, take your things . . .’

‘You said you loved me, Elizabeth.’

Almost choking on my tears, I shook my head. ‘I do, Alexander, but I can’t. I can’t . . . .’ And tearing my hand away from his, I ran off down the street.

I expected him to follow, and when he didn’t I had to bite my lips hard to stop myself from screaming out in an effort to fill the emptiness. I walked about for over an hour, hardly knowing what I was thinking or where I was going. I was terrified of going back, but knew I had to. It was the first step I had to take in facing my life without him. I steeled myself as I walked in the door of my room – and he was there, sitting on the bed, waiting for me.

I closed the door, quietly watching him through sore and swollen eyes. He stood up, reaching out for my hand, and led me across to the bed.

‘Sit down,’ he said, ‘I want you to listen. I don’t want you to interrupt, will you promise me?’

I nodded dumbly.

He went to sit in the old tapestry chair, and with his dark head on one side, he looked across the room at me, in the half-light, holding on to me with his eyes. ‘I know everyone will think that I can’t know my mind at my age, that I’m ruining my life – and all the other things they’ll say. But it doesn’t matter what other people think, Elizabeth, because none of it will change the way I feel about you. Of course it isn’t going to be easy, especially when I know that even you think I’m too young for what we have between us. All I can say is that in all the books and films I care about and, in all the life I’ve witnessed – even though I’ve only seen such a little of it – love has never recognised age. I love you, and I want you to go on being the most important part of my life. I don’t care about anything else. I know there will be times in the future when other things will be important to me, too – but always, no matter what, it will be you that I love. Nothing will change that, Elizabeth. I can’t put into words what it is that you’ve done to my life; all I know is that it won’t mean anything without you. And if you leave me now, you’ll be hurting us both, more perhaps than either of us can understand.

‘What I’m trying to say is very simple really. Not only do I love you now, I know already that I’m going to love you forever. And if you don’t believe me, then maybe we’ll have to wait forever for you to find out. Either way, it won’t change the way I feel. So please, don’t shut me out of your life.’

It was now almost completely dark, and I could hardly see him across the room. It was a long time before I stood up and walked over to him. He held out his arms, and sitting down on his lap, I held him, rocking him back and forth and wiping the tears from his cheeks.

‘Like you I don’t know what the future will hold, but let’s hope our love is strong enough to face it.’

– 8 –

I would never have thought it possible, but as time went on I grew to love Alexander more and more. Once we were back at Foxton’s the agony of being so close, yet not able to touch, was so intense that the only way to control it was to try and laugh about it. The way Alexander deliberately went around looking as if he was in the worst kind of physical torment made me laugh till I cried. ‘But this is the way I really feel,’ he said, when I told him he was overdoing it.

In between lessons he’d dash up to the surgery, close the door behind him and kiss me so hard and so quickly that I hardly knew he was there before he was gone. And at the end of each day we’d always manage to go for a walk, or if it was raining I’d slip down to the common room for a cup of coffee, just as I had with last year’s sixth form. Even though there weren’t many times when we could be on our own, we still managed to make love twice during the first weeks of term.

The first time was in. a barn that was a two-mile hike from the school. But I didn’t mind about my muddy shoes and wind-torn hair when I got there – still holding the note he’d left inside his pillow-case that morning, asking me to meet him at four, when the sixth form were normally in their rooms studying, or playing records in the common room. Afterwards, when our bodies were bruised and tender, I giggled at the way I’d thrown off my matron’s uniform and tumbled into the hay with him – at the way we’d laughed and frolicked together like two lambs in a field.

As several of the boys regularly visited both Miss Angrid and me in the cottage, no suspicions were aroused by Henry and Alexander coming too – though it caused some heated arguments between us when I wouldn’t let Alexander come more often, and alone. But there was one occasion, early in the evening, when he did come, just as I was about to get in the bath. The inevitable happened, and it was only a matter of seconds after we’d finished dressing that Miss Angrid knocked on my door and walked straight in.

She eyed us suspiciously, and afterwards I was so shaken by the narrowness of our escape that it caused the first serious rift between us. I was stunned by the fact that Alexander didn’t seem to care, and yelled at him for being immature enough to think that Miss Angrid would be on our side. He hated being reminded that he was younger than me, so he hit back by saying that I was using my position to hide the fact that I was ashamed of him.

‘Well, I’m not exactly proud of what we’re doing,’ I said.

His face turned white. ‘So, you are ashamed. I’m nothing more than a randy little schoolboy who suits your . . .’

‘Don’t speak to me like that! I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t love you, but this kind of stupid irresponsible behaviour of yours sometimes makes me wonder how much longer we can go on. You’re not to come here again, do you hear me?’

‘Agreed! And don’t even think about slipping notes inside my pillow-case, I’ll burn them before I even read them.’

We smouldered in silence for two days, until his resolve weakened and I found a note pushed under my surgery door. He wanted me to know that he hadn’t meant anything he’d said, that he didn’t mean to be cavalier, it was only that he loved me so much that he wanted the whole world to know. He could see now how childish that was, so would I forgive him and meet him later in the woods? I ignored it. There was another note the following day, and two more the day after that. Still I ignored them. The last note was delivered to the cottage, and told me to go to hell.

Which is where I stayed, until he caught my eye at dinner and made me laugh. But that still didn’t stop me from getting into a state. I was so worried about what we were doing, so afraid of it all and how it would end that I just didn’t know what to do. That was how he found me one afternoon, alone in my surgery, sobbing my heart out.

He looked at me, his face saying nothing as he reached out his hand and pulled me up into his arms. I tried to turn away.

‘No! Don’t!’ he said, angrily. ‘For God’s sake, why are you making us suffer like this?’

‘I don’t know what to do,’ I said. ‘I love you, I do, but Alexander . . .’

‘Look, we both knew this wasn’t going to be easy, so don’t let’s make it any worse. Now come on, just let me hold you.’

And I let him hold me, because just at that moment I didn’t care who might walk in and find us. I loved him, and that was all that mattered.

‘They’re back!’ Alexander cried. ‘The bloody gypsies are back!’

Henry looked up from his newspaper and Alexander winked as he saw me coming towards them. It was late in the afternoon, and they were sitting next to the tennis courts, reading that morning’s papers and calling out the odd rude remark to the boys who were playing tennis.

‘Thank God I’m not at home,’ Alexander said. ‘I can see my father now, his face will be an ugly shade of purple and that snakey vein in his neck will be throbbing away. Nobody’s life will be worth living.’

Grinning, Henry took the paper from Alexander and handed it to me.

‘Did you read that bit about them being vermin?’ Alexander said, looking up at me. ‘As my mother says, we’re never going to get rid of them if father doesn’t cut out the vitriol. Still, it’s true what he’s saying. I saw them when I was there at Christmas, filthy beggars. I wonder if it’s true that they’re running a child prostitution ring. The local rag said it was.’

‘Not only the local one,’ said Henry. ‘There’s something about it here.’

‘Henry, dear boy, what on earth are you doing reading
that?
’

I laughed. ‘You’re such a snob, Alexander Belmayne.’

‘Couldn’t agree more,’ said Miss Angrid, coming up behind us.

Alexander pulled a face, then turned back to Henry. ‘What does it say?’ he asked.

‘Headline stuff. As you say, all about the child prostitution thing. Your father is quoted as saying something about calling in Rentokil to deal with it.’

Alexander gave a yell of laughter. ‘Renta who?’ I said.

‘Rentokil. The pest control people,’ Miss Angrid enlightened me.

‘Sounds like my father,’ said Alexander. ‘No doubt he’s pissing himself with excitement at the forthcoming battle.’

‘Alexander!’

‘Sorry, Matron, momentarily forgot myself.’ And as he threw her a kiss, I had to turn away before she saw me laughing.

‘Anyway,’ I continued, as Miss Angrid strolled off, ‘what are you two doing here? I thought you were going to the theatre this afternoon.’

‘Mr Lear’s gone sick,’ Henry answered, draining a can of shandy. ‘Titus Andronicus leftus in the lurchus.’

Alexander held his can out for me to drink. ‘All I can say is, I’m glad I’m not at home now. Just having those people in the vicinity makes a chap itch in his bed at night.’ He stood up and came to put his arms around me, kissing the back of my neck.

‘Alexander!’ I cried, jumping away from him. ‘For God’s sake, someone might see!’ He laughed and I glared at him, but at the same time heard myself telling him to come to my surgery after supper.

Henry stretched and yawned. ‘You know, I’ve been thinking,’ he said. ‘We ought to try and find a way to take you up to Oxford with us, Elizabeth.’

A smile stretched painfully across my face as I watched Alexander sit down again and pick up a paper. It was something I didn’t allow myself to think about – the time when they would have to leave.

‘Hope the females at Oxford are a bit more desirable than the ones at St Winifred’s,’ Henry mused. ‘I can just see it now. Orgies and more orgies. Maybe I ought to be getting in a bit of practice. Can’t have you running off with every available female in the place, Alexander.’

As I started to walk away I heard Alexander say, ‘Henry, old chap, what’s happened to your brain?’

There was a pause, then Henry said, ‘I didn’t mean anything. Just wasn’t thinking. Tell her I’m sorry, will you?’

A few minutes later, hearing my surgery door close, I walked out from behind the screen. ‘You don’t have to say anything,’ I said, before he could speak. ‘But we’re going to have to face it, you know. When you leave here, well . . .’

‘It’s a long time away yet, Elizabeth. Besides, me being at Oxford won’t change anything. We’ll still see each other, all the time.’

He kissed me, and not for the first time I felt myself beginning to fall apart. I would lose him, I knew I would.

He was grinning as he let me go. ‘And what’s so funny?’ I said.

‘You.’

‘Me! Why?’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t know, you just are. I love your hair,’ he said, taking off my cap and pulling out the hairpins. ‘Ebony hair and ebony eyes. Lift up your skirt, I want to look at your legs.’

‘Can you come to the cottage later tonight, after ten?’ I said, as he ran his fingers under my suspenders. ‘I want you to make love to me.’

His face was suddenly serious. ‘I’ll be there,’ he said.

I’d bought us some wine, and put out some crisps and peanuts, but when he arrived all that was forgotten. Later, when we were sitting in front of the fire with our clothes all over the room, he started to talk about what we had done. It had been the first time we’d had oral sex. I don’t know why – probably because I’d been feeling insecure all day – but suddenly I burst into tears.

He stopped what he was saying straightaway, and moved round to sit next to me. ‘What is it?’ he said. ‘I thought you’d like it. I’m sorry, we won’t do it again.’