Daniel's Desire (15 page)

His mother’s eyes promptly filled with tears. “Oh, my, something more to celebrate.”

Daniel exchanged a look with Patrick, trying to gauge if he had any clue about the best time to spring the rest of the news on them. Patrick shrugged, clearly leaving the really tough decision to him.

They were only minutes away from Jess’s when
Daniel turned to his father. “Dad, I think there’s something you should know before we get there, you and Mom both.”

Connor frowned. “What’s that?”

“This isn’t just about spending an evening with Alice and Molly and us,” he said quietly. “Ryan, Sean and Michael will be there, too, with their families.”

Dangerously bright patches of color flooded his father’s cheeks. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Everyone’s there, Dad.”

“This is a damned setup?” he asked furiously. “How could you do this, Daniel? You know how I feel about dredging up all this ancient history.”

“It’s not a setup,” Daniel insisted. “It’s a chance, Dad, a chance to clear the air and get your sons back in your life. They’re willing to meet you halfway. Can’t you at least do that much?” He glanced in the rearview mirror and saw his mother’s wistful expression. “Please, Dad. Do it for Mom.”

“Yes, Connor, please,” she said softly. “I want to see my sons. If it’s possible, I want them back in our lives.”

Connor regarded her with bewilderment. “Why, Kathleen? They hate us. They must.” He scowled at Patrick. “This was your idea, wasn’t it? You just want to humiliate us in public.”

“Molly’s closed the bar for the night,” Daniel reassured him. “It will just be family.”

“I still say this is a bad idea. I don’t want to spend an entire evening listening to them berate us,” Connor said. “Kathleen, you know it will only upset you.”

“I’ll be fine,” she insisted. “It’s time they get to have their say, Connor.”

“I won’t deny that there are a lot of strong emotions
at work here, Dad, but the fact that they’re here at all tells me they want this,” Daniel said. “At the very least, help them to understand why you and Mom left them behind. Can’t you at least give them answers to the questions they’ve had to live with their whole lives?”

His mother reached over the seat and clasped her husband’s shoulder. “We must do this, Connor,” she said firmly. “It’s our chance to make things right, a chance we probably don’t deserve. We failed them back then. Surely now we can give them the one thing they’ve ever asked of us.”

Daniel saw that his father looked tormented. “Dad, it will be okay. They’re good men. They really are. You’ll be proud of them.”

“I have no right to take any pride in the men they’ve become,” his father replied, looking defeated. “They’ve accomplished whatever they’ve made of their lives in spite of me.”

To Daniel’s surprise, Patrick spoke up. “Maybe so, Dad, but there’s Devaney blood running through their veins. If they’re strong enough to overcome the past, it’s because of that.”

Their father sank back against the seat then and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he turned to his wife. “This is what you want, Kathleen? You’re sure?”

She nodded, tears in her eyes. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted, just one more chance to see my boys.”

“Then we’ll go,” he said. He frowned at Daniel, then at Patrick. “Not that I like the way the two of you went about this, mind you. Be warned that I’ll have a lot to say about that later.”

Patrick grinned. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.
The Connor Devaney who raised Daniel and me had a powerful sense of right and wrong.”

Their father sighed. “Only because I was trying to make up for a great injustice I did to my other sons. I never wanted you two to be as weak as I was.”

“Connor Devaney, you were
not
weak,” Daniel’s mother said fiercely. “You made an impossible decision and you did it out of love. I won’t ever let you say otherwise. Maybe it was wrong. Maybe there was another way. But you were strong enough to live with the choice you made every day for the rest of your life. You didn’t turn to drink, as many men would have. You didn’t turn bitter and hard. You were a good father to the two boys we had left, no one here would deny that,” she said, regarding Patrick and Daniel as if daring them to challenge her claim.

“She’s right, Dad,” Daniel told him. “I can’t begin to understand the choice you made or what drove you to it….”

“And I hope to heaven you never have to make such a choice yourself,” his father told him. “But now I’m about to face the consequences.”

Daniel saw the real fear in his eyes and tried to reassure him. “It’s going to be okay, Dad. We’ve all come a long way. I’m not sure if reconciliation would have been possible one minute sooner than this, but it is possible now. I believe that with all my heart.”

“So do I,” Patrick said.

“From your mouths to God’s ear,” his father said quietly.

“Amen,” the rest of them said in a heartfelt chorus.

D
aniel’s gaze sought out Molly the instant they walked into Jess’s. They made quite a little parade, his mother looking pathetically eager, Patrick wary, and their father as if he expected to be pummeled by a trio of outraged Devaney men. Molly gave him a reassuring smile, then came to meet him. She kissed his cheek, then gave his mother a warm hug.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Molly told her, including Connor Devaney in the comment. “There are a lot of people here who are anxious to see you.”

“More likely to lynch us,” his father said in an undertone.

“Dad!” Patrick protested.

“Okay, okay, I’m giving this a chance. I said I would, didn’t I?”

Just then a little girl’s voice piped up. “Is that my grandpa?”

“Hush, darlin’,” Ryan said, trying to maintain his grip on her.

But as he’d told Daniel on the phone, Caitlyn wasn’t going to be put off a minute longer. The three-year-old broke away from her father’s grasp and raced across the room, hurling herself straight at Connor. Startled, he reacted instinctively, scooping her up in his arms, then staring at her as if he wasn’t quite sure where she’d come from.

“Are you my grandpa?” she demanded, gazing at him intently.

Connor drew in a deep breath, and his eyes filled with tears. He blinked hard to fight them. “Yes, I suppose I am, little angel. Who might you be?”

“I’m Caitlyn,” she said without hesitation. “And that’s my daddy and that’s my mommy.”

Daniel saw his father’s gaze shift to Ryan, whose mouth was set in a grim line. Maggie had her arm tucked supportively through his, but her eyes were damp, and there was no question that her heart was with her impulsive daughter.

His own heart still in his throat, Daniel watched as a boy broke away from Sean and crossed the room. He frowned up at Caitlyn. “He’s not just your grandpa. He’s mine, too.” He gave his new grandfather an irrepressible grin. “I’m Kevin. Me and Mom married Sean.”

“I see,” Connor said, swiping impatiently at the tears on his weathered cheeks. His gaze sought that of his second son and the woman who was openly crying beside him.

Connor turned slowly to the one remaining son, who looked as if he’d tried to disappear into the shad
ows. “Then you’re Michael,” he said softly, no longer even attempting to hide his tears.

“I’m surprised you remember my name,” Michael said, earning a disapproving scowl from his wife.

Connor’s gaze remained steady. “I deserved that.” He looked from one son to the next. “I deserve whatever you think of me, whatever you want to say to my face or behind my back, but I’ll tell you here and now that I won’t tolerate you taking any of this out on your mother.”

Daniel saw his older brothers exchange glances and knew they’d taken the warning to heart, knew that it was a reminder that their behavior at the house on that earlier visit wasn’t to be repeated. It was almost as if they recalled a distant time when Connor Devaney’s word had been law, when he’d earned their respect.

“Am I making myself clear?” Connor asked, pushing the point home.

“Yes,” Ryan said tightly.

“Maybe we should all sit down,” Daniel said, relieved that Michael’s undisguised bitterness had been the worst of it so far. “Molly, how about something to drink?”

“Right away,” she said.

He put an arm around his mother’s waist and guided her to a table, then regarded her worriedly. “You okay?”

She nodded. “After they left so abruptly last time, I was afraid this day would never come,” she whispered. “Thank you for making it happen.”

Daniel grinned. “I think you should thank Caitlyn and Kevin. I gather from Ryan that they were adamant about meeting their grandparents.”

Her gaze went immediately to the girl who still
hadn’t relinquished her hold on Connor. “I always wanted a little girl,” she said sadly.

“Well, it’s another generation, Mom,” Daniel said. “A granddaughter will have to do.”

“Oh, it does,” she said, her eyes bright. “She’s so lovely. She’s like her mother, isn’t she?”

Daniel looked from Caitlyn to Maggie. The resemblance was impossible to miss, but from all he knew, it went beyond being skin deep. “She has her mother’s open heart and strong will, too,” he told his mother. “That may be what guides us through this.”

As soon as everyone was seated and drinks had been served, the room was filled with an awkward silence. Not even Caitlyn was chattering with her usual exuberance. It was Ryan who finally broke the impasse.

He looked at his father. “Since I’m the oldest, I’ll be the one to ask. Why?” he asked simply. “Why did you leave us behind? After all these years, after the way it messed with our heads, I think you owe us an explanation. Weren’t we good enough? Did I stir up too much trouble? Did Sean and Michael?”

“Never,” Kathleen said with a shocked gasp. “Don’t ever think such a thing. You three were my angels. From the moment you were born, Ryan, I knew you were going to make something of yourself. You came into this world with an independent streak. Of course, that landed you in scrapes from time to time, but you were a good boy. I won’t hear you suggest otherwise.”

“Then why?” he asked again. “For years now, each of us has had to live with being abandoned by the people who were supposed to love us unconditionally. The fact that we’re all married now is a mir
acle. Not a one of us believed we were worth loving, because of what you did to us. Our wives believed otherwise and stuck with us till we came around. It’s because of them that our hearts are finally whole.”

In the silence that followed Ryan’s bitter words, it was again Kathleen who finally spoke. “Then I’m grateful to you,” she said, her gaze seeking out Maggie, then Deanna, then Kelly.

Tears streaming down her face, she turned to her husband and reached for his hand. “I can tell them,” she said.

Connor looked shaken, but he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. “No. You’ve shared the blame long enough, Kathleen. It was my decision. It’s time I take responsibility for it.” He met Ryan’s gaze, then looked down at the trusting child in his arms. “You’re a father now, so maybe you’ll understand.”

“God knows I want to,” Ryan said. “We all do.”

Connor cleared his throat, then looked to Molly. “I wouldn’t mind another beer.”

She jumped up at once. “Of course.”

Only after she’d returned with the drink and he’d taken a long swallow did he finally speak. “When your mother and I were married, we were young. Too young, probably, but I fell in love with her the day I set eyes on her, and she felt the same. I had a job, a decent one with decent wages. A year later, Ryan, you were born. It was a joyous occasion. I looked at you the first time I held you and thought to myself, ‘I would give my life to protect this boy.”’

Caitlyn patted her grandfather’s cheek. “You’re talking about my daddy, huh?”

Connor gave her a tired smile. “That I am, little
angel. Your daddy was something else. He had one speed—full throttle.”

Across the room, Maggie grinned. “Like someone else in the family,” she said, gazing at her daughter.

Connor settled back in the booth, looking more at ease now that the telling was finally underway. He’d always had the gift of being a natural storyteller, and he drew on that now. Daniel knew he would paint a picture for Ryan, Sean and Michael that would make that tragic turning point in all their lives as real as if it had happened yesterday. Maybe it would lead only to more anger and blame, but there was also the chance it could finally lead to understanding and forgiveness.

“And then Sean came along,” Connor said, looking toward his second born, who was wearing a Boston Fire Department T-shirt. “You were born without fear. If Ryan did it, you wanted to do it, too. Nothing was too high for you to climb or too risky for you to try.”

“He’s not scared of anything now, either,” Kevin said proudly. “He fights fires. That’s how me and Mommy met him.”

Connor nodded. “It doesn’t surprise me in the least that you’d take chances, if it meant saving lives, Sean.” He turned to his wife. “You remember the day he climbed up onto the neighbor’s roof? Almost scared the life out of both of us.”

Kathleen nodded. “How could I forget?”

Sean regarded them with bewilderment. “Why was I up there?”

“The neighbor’s cat,” his father said. “Poor, pitiful thing was meowing her head off, and you couldn’t stand it. Everyone else was wringing their hands, and
you slipped around back, found a ladder and scampered right up there.”

Kevin was clearly intrigued, but Sean frowned at him. “Don’t go getting any ideas.”

“Amen,” Deanna said, giving her son a forbidding look as the others chuckled at the disappointment on Kevin’s face.

“We had two fine sons,” Connor said, turning to smile at his wife. “But my Kathleen was aching for a daughter.” He focused on Michael. “That would be you, son.”

The laughter grew louder and less tense as everyone gazed at Michael, who couldn’t have looked less feminine. His years in the Navy and his struggle to overcome injuries caused by a sniper’s bullet had given him a powerful build.

Connor shook his head, his expression nostalgic. “If we thought Ryan was strong and Sean was fearless, you put the two of them to shame. There was nowhere they went that you didn’t sneak off to follow them. If they took a risk, you took a more dangerous one. They were your heroes, but there was little question that one day you’d do something heroic yourself.”

Daniel heard the words and felt a sudden twinge of suspicion. “Michael was a Navy SEAL, but you knew that, didn’t you, Dad?”

Connor kept his gaze on Michael and nodded slowly. “I did. I kept up with each of you. I worried over your unhappiness and made myself sick thinking about the danger some of you put yourselves in. I blamed myself for making you think that your lives were worth so little that you might as well risk them.”

Kathleen stared at him in shock. “You knew where
they were? You knew what they were doing? You knew all of that and didn’t tell me?”

He regarded her apologetically. “It was selfish, I know that now, but I thought I was protecting you, making it easier for you to bear being separated from them, if we never talked about them. I guess in the back of my mind, I thought that I would know if they truly needed us, and that then I’d tell you and we’d decide what to do together.”

“But we did need you,” Ryan said angrily. “Time and again.”

“And I almost reached out,” Connor told him. “I heard about the trouble you were getting mixed up in, the petty shoplifting and such. I was about to come for you myself and shake some sense into you, but Father Francis stepped in. He gave you what you needed.”

Ryan still looked angry, but he nodded. “He was my salvation, no question about it.”

“So, if you cared enough to keep track of all of us, why the hell did you dump us in the first place?” Michael demanded.

To Daniel’s surprise, his father didn’t take offense at his son’s tone.

“You recall that your mother wanted a little girl. She’d just gotten pregnant again when I lost my job. I picked up work here and there, but I couldn’t find a steady paycheck. Feeding three boys required more money than was coming in. We struggled over that and over doctor’s bills and rent.”

“And then you had us?” Patrick said, looking shaken. “Twins, when even one more baby was going to be a strain?”

“The timing was unfortunate,” their father admit
ted. “But we looked at the two of you and you stole our hearts, just as your brothers had. For a long time, we told ourselves that things were going to get better, that I’d find another job and we’d land on our feet, but it didn’t happen.”

He gazed around the room at his sons. “I don’t believe any of you have been out of work or desperate, but that’s the way I was feeling. And Patrick and Daniel, bless ’em both, weren’t easy babies, the way you other boys were. They had powerful sets of lungs and difficult dispositions.”

“That hasn’t changed much,” Alice said, giving Patrick’s hand a squeeze.

“I remember the fighting,” Ryan suddenly said softly. “You and Mom were fighting for the first time I could ever remember.”

“We were,” Connor confirmed. “I knew that something had to change or I would lose my wife, lose everything that mattered to me. I knew we had to leave Boston and start over fresh.”

Sean stared at him. “So you divided the family in half and tossed us aside to save the rest?” he asked heatedly. “What kind of choice is that?”

“A desperate one,” Connor said. “The twins were little more than babies. They needed us. You three were strong. Young as you were, you were already independent. We knew you could make it without us, at least for a time. I hoped we’d be able to come back for you, but as time passed, it seemed best to leave things as they were. We believed you would find good homes, have a better chance than we could give you. I’m not saying it was a good decision, but it was the only one I could make at the time. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t prayed to God to keep you safe. Not
a day has passed that I haven’t regretted what I did, but God help me, I didn’t know what else to do.”

Kathleen reached for her husband’s hand and clung to it. “We didn’t know what else to do,” she said softly. “I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forgive us. I don’t know if we’ll ever forgive ourselves, but we did the only thing that seemed to make sense at the time. We gave you three—Ryan, Sean and Michael—a chance at a better life than the one we could give you.”

“You abandoned us,” Michael said fiercely. “Okay, I was lucky. I wound up with a family that gave me all the emotional support a scared kid could need, but Ryan didn’t. Sean didn’t. How was that for the best?”

“If we’d kept all of you, there was little question that your father and I would eventually divorce,” Kathleen said. “It was that bad between us. You’d have been no better off.”

“We’d have been
together,
” Michael said. “We’d have known what it meant to be a family, even if it was a family that had to struggle. Or you could have agreed to an adoption.”

“That would have been so final,” Kathleen said, her voice breaking.