Darcy's Passions (33 page)

There it was—the dreaded word “gratitude.” I do not want her gratitude; I want her love.What can I say to her now? I never wanted her to know of my part in the wedding.
Darcy stopped and turned toward Elizabeth. She stopped, too, and they faced each other for a few infinitely long seconds. Without planning to say so, her words of “gratitude” drove him forward.“I am sorry, exceedingly sorry, that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think Mrs. Gardiner was so little to be trusted.”

Elizabeth glanced up briefly at him; the tension was so thick. Both knew what needed to be said, but neither could broach the subject. She tried to explain how Lydia's foolishness let the news of his attending Wickham's wedding slip out. Then she added, “You must not blame my aunt. Lydia's thoughtlessness first betrayed to me that you had been concerned in the matter; and, of course, I could not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again
and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble, and bear so many mortifications, for the sake of discovering them. It truly befuddles me why you would put yourself through all that trouble.”

Elizabeth left him the opening. She could not understand why he troubled himself with Wickham.
He loved her; that is why. His sister demanded it; that is why.
“If you
will
thank me, let it be for yourself alone.That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on I shall not attempt to deny. But your
family
owe me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of
you
.”

Silence enveloped them; he wanted her to say something or do something to let him know if he overstepped the limits.
Yet, Elizabeth was never silent,
he thought. If he offended her, her temperament would be to reprimand him. Dare he believe she would willingly listen to him? When he looked closely at her downcast face, he saw her embarrassment but not her disdain. He could contain it no longer, and he added,“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once.
My
affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on the subject forever.”

Darcy waited, frozen in time, forgetting even how to breathe; his eyes searched her face, anticipating her answer. An eternity passed as he waited; finally, she raised her eyes to his. “Mr. Darcy,” she said the words slowly as if to convince herself as much as him, “my feelings . . . my feelings are so different from what they were last April. My sentiments have gone through a full array of emotions since the period to which you allude; I willingly receive your present assurances. The fact you still seek my love gives me great pleasure.”

The conviction with which she said the words made the dream real, and he slowly lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it tenderly. “Elizabeth, I have imagined this moment so many times, but never once did I feel such contentment and exhilaration at the same time.”Transfixed, they stayed that way for a long time fighting the
urge to smother each other with kisses. “You are beautiful, Elizabeth.” She started to drop her eyes, but he lifted her chin with his finger. “If you plan to drop your eyes each time I tell you how much I love you, my dearest Elizabeth, you will forever be looking at the floor.You need never to look down again.” Elizabeth rested her hand on his chest; he wondered if she felt the faint trembling and the erratic beating of his heart. He closed his eyes, and her nearness consumed him. “Elizabeth, you have stolen my heart; I cannot live without you. Please say you will be my wife.”

“I can think of nothing more perfect than our matrimonial felicity. Being forever known as Mrs. Darcy would be my happiest desire.” Darcy's breath caught in his throat; Elizabeth was finally his. Now so close he could feel her breath on his cheeks, his arms enveloped her as she offered her mouth for their first kiss.

“I have been waiting for you,” he whispered into her ear. The passion in his voice made her body tremble, and Darcy instinctively moved in closer to support her. They separated reluctantly and started to walk; only this time she wrapped her arm through his. He cupped her hand with his free hand.The realization of the last few minutes sustained them at first, but they both possessed a nature to analyze every aspect, which brought them to their present understanding.

Elizabeth paused briefly and looked up at Darcy; he was lost in the revelry of their combined touch. “Mr. Darcy,” she stumbled over the words, “the honor you bestowed on me today cannot be expressed in words. I feared you would not renew your proposal; I thought I lost your love forever.”

Darcy took both of her hands in his and held them next to his heart. He turned and said, “At Pemberley, I hoped to show you how much I changed. I came to Lambton that last day with the intention of asking you to ride out with me before dinner. I wanted to take you around the grounds; I decided within a few moments of finding you on the lawn of my estate, I would not be able to live without you in my life.”

“When you left the Royal Crown that day,” she nearly whispered,
“I told myself I would never see you again. My chances of your renewing your proposal I hoped of once we were together at your home, but when you left so suddenly, I believed you could never love me after the shame Lydia brought on our family. The realization of Mr. Wickham becoming your brother, I thought, would keep you from me. I could not fathom why you followed them to London; I hoped I was the source of your action, but I could not believe my heart.”

“I did talk to Georgiana before I left, not for her approval but out of respect for her guidance; but, from the moment I departed the inn, I had no other purpose in mind than to protect you.” Darcy reached out to gently stroke her cheek.“Images of your face sustained me when I negotiated with Mr.Wickham for your sister's wedding. I concocted a lie of how your family sent me there. If Mr. Wickham knew my real purpose, he would have extricated a larger payoff.”

“Then it will be pleasurable to send my sister news of our engagement. Besides placing her family's reputation in jeopardy, Lydia flaunted her ‘well placed marriage.' She even demanded to take Jane's place in our home. She and Mr. Wickham are of the same mind; when Mr.Wickham realizes you did all for me, it will be a punishment for their follies.”

As they continued to walk along a path leading through a wood, Darcy told her, “Sending Mr. Wickham to Newcastle to a hard-nosed commanding officer was part of my revenge.”

Elizabeth laughed, “He deserves worse than that,” she taunted, and he marveled at the irony of the similarity of their minds.“Will Georgiana be able to manage having Mr. Wickham as a brother? She has a delicate temperament.”

Darcy smiled down at the concern in Elizabeth's face. “As you misjudged me when we first met, I fear my dearest Elizabeth, you misjudged my sister. She is a true romantic! When she found out Mr. Wickham ran off with Lydia, Georgiana
demanded
I do something to protect you.You will make great friends, and I will pay the price of having two spirited females under my roof,” he chuckled. “Georgiana
wanted to protect you even if her reputation was brought under close inspection.” Elizabeth could not hide her surprise at having earned Georgiana's respect in such a short time period.

They found a place where they could sit and rest for a while. Darcy liked the feel of her hand in his. Elizabeth looked him squarely in the eyes. “When you left Netherfield, I believed you decided against me.” She still could not believe they were here at last. “A man who has been once refused is not likely to risk such censure again.”

“Your temper,” he laughed, “is not something I wish to encounter often,” remembering the heated confrontation of his first proposal. “When I left Netherfield a fortnight ago, I was convinced
you
were decided against me!”

She smiled brilliantly at him when she said,“We are a destructive pair, are we not? We need no enemies for we serve both roles.” He kissed her fingertips and brushed the hair from her face. “If you were convinced of my disdain, what brought you back to Netherfield?”

“My aunt,” he started.

“Yes, she was here,” Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

“How can I apologize to you for Lady Catherine's behavior? Her manners were abominable.”

“I would welcome her barbs repeatedly if I knew they would bring me to this moment.” Her voice was breathy with anticipation.

“Her coming to London did not achieve the effect she expected. I remained calm as was humanly possible to do because I wanted to know your response. Her words taught me to hope as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before.”

Elizabeth smirked as she said, “Lady Catherine so prefers to be of use to everyone; she should be pleased she was of use to us.”

With a tone of sarcasm, Darcy assured her Lady Catherine would be
most displeased.
“My cousin Anne will think otherwise, however. Do you know, Elizabeth, you were not the only one at Rosings who refused to be my wife? Anne and I met in the library, and she informed me I was quite a ‘frightening' figure; then she said
she did not wish to be my wife. In fact, I need to send Edward news of our engagement; he hopes to catch Lady Catherine when she is most vulnerable and then secure Anne for his own.”

“Edward and Anne?” He shook his head in affirmation. “Why did I not see that relationship? I once thought myself to be a keen observer of people, but since I met you, Mr. Darcy, I have come to second-guess my opinions.”

“Will I continue to always be
Mr. Darcy
to you, Elizabeth? May you not call me
Fitzwilliam
or, at the least,
Darcy?
”

“Once you receive my father's consent,” she teased, “then you will no longer be
Mr. Darcy.
Until then, I shall call you thus.”

“You are a stubborn woman, Elizabeth Bennet. Maybe I should rethink the offer of my hand,” he returned the joviality.

“I am afraid it is too late,
Mr. Darcy,”
she emphasized his name, “because I already am in possession of your heart.”

“You are, indeed, Madam,” he bent to kiss her cheek, “you are indeed.” Darcy let his lips linger, and she could feel his breath on her neck. His voice was raspy when he spoke again. “My aunt's retelling inspired me to action. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain that, had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly.”

Elizabeth offered a ghost of a grin as she chastised herself.“Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of
that
. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruples in abusing you to all your relations.”

For the next few minutes, they each belabored themselves for the foolishness of their earlier wrongs. Darcy, who prided himself on being a man of scruples, criticized his first proposal for its poorly worded sentiments. He showed mistaken pride, and he proved himself not worthy of Elizabeth's love then. He admitted the memory of his conduct, his manners, and his expressions of love pained him for their inappropriateness. “I shall never forget your challenging me with ‘Had you behaved in a more gentleman-like manner.'Those were your words.You know not, you can scarcely
conceive, how they have tortured me—though it was some time, I confess, before I was reasonable enough to allow their justice.”

Elizabeth, being of a lighter temperament, blamed them both for the many misunderstandings, which occurred that evening. “I was certainly very far from expecting them to make so strong an impression. I had not the smallest idea of their being ever felt in such a way.”

Darcy was not willing to abandon his self-reproach so easily despite the fact Elizabeth was now his; the pain was difficult to surrender, but Elizabeth now understood his nature and first gave him his moments and then redirected his passions. She begged him not to recollect in so much detail how they misread each other for so long. “We will be happy now—the happiest couple to ever be married.”

Darcy chuckled lightly as they stood to continue their walk; they caught each other's eye, and shades of their present tranquillity insolently demanded admittance.“The letter,” he embarked,“did it soon make you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its contents?”

Elizabeth told him the letter was a revelation. “It gradually removed all my former prejudices. I came to know myself as I never had before.”

“I am sorry if it gave you pain. I was angry at your rejection; I was jealous of your attentions to Mr. Wickham; I was lost to loving you,” his countenance dropped.

“Mr. Darcy, we will have no more melancholy,” she emphatically said.“You will not be the Prince of Denmark for if you recall I dearly love to laugh. If the letter brings you recompense, it shall be burned.The feelings of the person who wrote the letter and the person who received it differ greatly now.” The subject needed airing without distraction, but Elizabeth would not have him sad today. “I want you to remember only the pleasant things from the past.We will have no sadness today.”

Darcy gave her credit for having acted well in all their dealings. He, on the other hand, realized his life created a double man—the
man the world saw and the one Elizabeth now loved. He told her his parents were loving people and taught him what was right; but they allowed him to act prideful with others, never correcting his disposition. “Unfortunately an only son, for many years an only child, I was spoiled by my parents, who, though good themselves, allowed, encouraged, almost taught me to be selfish and overbearing; to care for none beyond my own family circle; to think meanly of all the rest of the world. Such I was, from eight to eight-and-twenty; and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth! What do I not owe you.You taught me a lesson, hard indeed at first, but most advantageous. By you, I was properly humbled. I came to you without a doubt of my reception. You showed me how insufficient were all my pretensions to please a woman worthy of being pleased.”