Dare to Breathe (17 page)

“Hmm, I don’t know, but I love it,” he says with a sly smile, pulling me on top of him.

“You. Have. Too. Many. Clothes. On,” I try telling him between kisses.

Nathan doesn’t even break the kiss; he just pulls his top off over his head by the back of his neck and kicks off his own boxers in one move.

“Smooth.” I smile at him. I feel his erection pressing onto my body, the heat seeping through my skin, into my soul. He rolls me on top of him so my breasts are pressed into his hard chest. I haven’t been on top before with him naked and it feels empowering.

“Hmm, what can I do with you now that I’m in control?” I ask him, biting his ear lobe.

I hear his breathing catch and I know he is struggling for control. It warms my body to feel him react to me the way that he does and I feel myself go damp.

“What about I kiss you here?” I ask, creeping down towards his chest, kissing first one nipple, then the other. “Or maybe here?” I suggest, creeping lower towards his belly button. “Hmm or even maybe here?” I say, going lower.

“Samantha,” he growls, “please baby…”

I look up at him questioningly but his eyes are shut tight as if he is in pain. I feel his penis between my breasts now and I lift myself up and gently cup him in my hands.

“Oh God,” I hear him mumble.

I have an urge to taste him, to send him over the top, so I do. Nathan starts to moan and the sounds he makes warm me everywhere. I suck and pull at him feeling his hands in my hair urging me to go deeper, faster. Suddenly he pulls me up.

“Stop or it will be over too soon,” he gasps, kissing me fervently on the lips.

I am pulled over onto my back and I hear him reach for the foil packet beside the bed. He slips on a condom and I feel him enter me slowly, exquisitely. My body responds immediately, bucking up to meet him, thrust for thrust. Nathan’s eyes glaze over but before I can see anything else, his mouth finds mine. He kisses me deeply, matching each thrust with his tongue. He slides one hand down and begins to rub over my clit. The combination of his kisses, his touch and his body in mine, sends me spiraling over and I cry out his name as I find release. Nathan joins me soon after, kissing me deeply as he does so. We lie tangled together as our bodies calm down, enjoying the closeness you can only feel with someone you love deeply.

We drift off asleep naked but warm in each other’s embrace. That night, for a change, I don’t wake up and I don’t dream of anything that can harm me.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“You know, you are going to have to start letting me out by myself or hire a bodyguard for me,” I joke with Nathan as he hurriedly walks me to the campus a few days later.

He is in a rush as his exams start today. I feel bad that we are in this situation and I know I need to give him some space to do what he needs to do, too. I know I have to put on a brave face or Nathan will never let me go out alone.

Nathan looks over to me with a distracted smile. “I can do this. I told you I would look out for you.”

I stop walking and grab his arm. “Nathan, stop. Seriously, I’ll be safe. I’ll make sure I am around people and maybe this afternoon I’ll even go out and buy some of that spray stuff for my bag. I need to stop being scared all the time. If I don’t, he wins. He takes away any possibility I have of living my life.” I am suddenly proud of my words. I know I am slowly beating down the demons in my own head.

Nathan looks at me with a loving smile. “Maybe you’re right but before I leave you alone, let’s go and get you that pepper spray, okay? That’s a great idea,” he says, kissing the top of my head and then pulling me along to my next class.

I am relieved by his words. I don’t want him worn down by my insecurities, thinking I am as troubled as Kate. I want him to love me, rather than baby-sit me out of some moral obligation. I give him a smile as we continue walking towards my first class, hand in hand.

“So, you and lover boy seem pretty happy.” Sally nudges me as I am making a latte macchiato later that afternoon in the busy café.

I look over at Nathan who is trying to study. He has his hands in his hair as he looks down at the books spread out on the table in front of him.“Yup, but he really needs to be doing that at home,” I tell her.

“Why is he here then? Is he a bit overprotective or something?” she asks me, looking at him curiously.

“Well, it’s more the ‘or something.’ I guess when you come from a background as messed up as mine, sometimes demons follow you and Nathan is afraid that if he isn’t around, they will show up,” I reply honestly.

Sally turns to look at me, noting my serious tone. “Do you need to talk about it?”

I shake my head, not because I can’t tell her but because I know I need to let it go and move on. Dean is not here. He has no idea where I am or who I am now and I know he will have his own demons and problems to face, out in the big wide world. I hope they find him and torture him as much as he has tortured me.

Sally gives my shoulder a squeeze and carries on working. “Honey, if you ever need to talk you just give me a holler,’ she says over her shoulder.

The café fills with people coming in and out, all wanting various coffees as they pull all-nighters cramming for the upcoming exams. During the evening I pass Nathan’s table where he is deeply absorbed in his work. I gently kiss the top of his head. He looks up blinking, as if he is coming out of a trance.

“If you need to go home I can grab a lift with Sally and Beth,” I suggest, seeing how tired he looks.

Nathan shifts in his seat and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a second. Then he puts his hands on the table and looks up at me. “I can wait, I want to wait. We never got you that pepper spray. Let’s go first thing in the morning and then talk about what to do afterwards, okay?”

I nod and walk away but I feel bad. I see the tension in his shoulders and how physically tired he is. I know my now infrequent restless sleeps aren’t helping him either, even if I did have a peaceful night last night. I feel I am becoming a burden for him and the last thing I want is for his sense of protectiveness to overcome his true feelings for me.

That night we walk home together enjoying the mild weather. I hear Nathan yawn deeply and know I have to discuss this further before I lose him.

“Maybe you should sleep upstairs tonight,” I suggest.

“What? Why?”

“Nathan, you look exhausted and between being my sleeping angel and my bodyguard, I think I am wearing you out!”

I feel the anger leave his body as he puts his arm around my shoulders and draws me close. “There is nowhere I would rather be than right here with you, right now.”

“About your studies…!’ I say, finally looking up at him.

“I can do this,” he says simply, smiling thinly at me with his warm tired eyes.

I am not convinced by his words. “Promise me Nathan; promise me that if it gets too much, you will take a break. Promise me!”

He nods. “Okay, but I doubt it will ever come to that.” He pulls me in for a kiss and I try and relax my mind as I am swept away by his warm lips.

The weeks pass by in much the same way. By now it is nearing the end of the semester and the weather is warming up ready for the long summer. I know Nathan has just scraped through his exams and feel guilty for the low marks.

Nathan did go out and buy the pepper spray but even this wasn’t enough for him to relax and let me go out alone and to be honest, I never insisted.

I decide after a long discussion with my parents, to stay here and continue working at the café with Sally and Beth who need my help over the summer. I know my parents want to see me but I need the money. They are busy with their charity work and life at home. Nathan decides to stay as well but he needs to go home for a few weeks. He isn’t as close to his family as I am to mine but his older sister is getting married. He invites me to join them but since I haven’t met them it seems a little unfair crashing such a major event in his family’s life. Every chance he gets he moans that I won’t go with him but I know he needs to see them by himself. More importantly, that he needs some rest from me too.

Despite him promising to tell me if I am a burden, I see he is mentally and physically tired and the change in him makes me feel undeniably sad.

Me, I’ve done this
. I want to make this amazing, loving, strong boy happy and all my problems are doing is making him tense. I understand this need to protect has something to do with his warped sense of failure with Kate. Despite this, I just don’t have the strength in me to make him stop and just be my boyfriend.

I know this makes me weak, and I hate myself for it but the only way I can make him stop is by forcing him to take a break.

Mandy, Carrie and Ben leave the second their classes finish. They decide to spend the whole summer on a road trip as they know that after the summer, Ben will start working in the real world. They beg Nathan and me to come but I can’t afford it and Nathan won’t go without me.

It’s another reason for me to feel guilty but I bury it underneath all the other remorse.

We have two blissful weeks in the house all by ourselves. We use the opportunity to shower together every day, for twenty long beautiful minutes a shower. We lie in the living room together watching whatever we feel like watching and not having to share the remote with anyone else. We get take-out most nights even though Ben has left me some frozen dinners in fear that I would burn the house down if I cooked from scratch! I glimpse a possible future with Nathan in which we grow old together in a beautiful home and my heart constricts, wishing it to be true.

The day comes for Nathan to leave. I help him pack his bag. I know if I shed one tear, Nathan won’t go.

“So, are you going to miss me?” I ask him in a pretend whiney voice, trying to ease the tension.

Nathan looks at me and my heart crumbles. He looks so serious. Not a smile, grin or even vague look of amusement lights up his face. His day-old stubble makes him look older and more rugged and his beautiful brown eyes look tired. “You know I will,” he says.

Don’t go!
“You’ll have a great time,” I say out loud. “After all it’s not every day you get to see your sister getting married.”

I feel a pang of envy about him spending time with a family I have never met. We have already discussed that the next term break I will go with him and meet them but I sort of regret not having met them already. I lean over and kiss him hard so he can’t say anything back. As I pull away I feel his arms come around me drawing me closer to him. His kiss deepens and my breath catches in my throat. Even a few months into this relationship and this man still has the ability to stop all rational thought with one little kiss. I hope that the passion between us always remains.

I throw my arms around his shoulders and wrap my legs around his waist. I need to feel him as close to me as possible. I want nothing between us right now.

Nathan feels my urgency and carries me over to the bed. We find ourselves naked and entwined without breaking the kiss even once.

Chapter Thirty

I don’t know how I manage it but I let him go. He holds me tightly at the airport check in and makes me promise to keep myself safe. I mumble something back but my mind is so focused on not breaking down that I can’t remember what I have said.

“It’s just a couple of weeks, you could still come with me,” he whispers into my ear.

Yes!
My mind shouts at me,
just go with him
.

Instead I lean up on my toes and kiss him gently. “You look after yourself and call me every night, okay? Have a great wedding,” I whisper back.

Nathan nods once and kisses me. We hear the announcement for his plane and before either one of us breaks down, he leaves.

I spend the first week locked in the house unless I am forced to go to work. I know my sullenness is getting to Sally and Beth but instead of getting annoyed, they both rally round me making sure I am kept busy. At home I eat the frozen dinners made by Ben and live each day to speak to Nathan. I know this is an unhealthy obsession. As the week progresses, I can hear the old happy Nathan, my old happy Nathan, coming through and I know he must be getting some sleep and time to unwind. This makes me happy but also sad that I have been the cause of his problems. The changes in him makes this glaringly obvious. It also makes me sad and scared that the longer I am away from him the more depressed I feel but the more he is away from me, the better he feels.

“I don’t know what to do,” I tell Doctor Sandy, sitting down for my weekly session.

“About what, Samantha?”

“About Nathan. He is so unhappy when he is with me, constantly afraid to leave me alone but now,” I stop and take a breath, “now, I can hear the freedom in his voice.”

“Why do you feel responsible for his behavior?” she asks me.

I watch her shift in her seat and tuck her blue skirt under her thigh. I notice her matching blue suit jacket over the back of the chair and the usual pumps. She is really quite an attractive woman and for a moment I wonder about her life. She knows so much about me and yet I know nothing about her at all.