Dare to Kiss (The Maxwell Series Book 1) (14 page)

Pulling out a tissue, I patted my eyes. “It’s just…ever since I started school, things haven’t been going well.”

“Like what?” He rose, walked over to his desk, and snagged a notepad. Then he settled into a chair opposite me.

Staring out the window, I gathered my thoughts. The clouds finally opened up and a steady rain fell. I hugged myself as I turned my attention to Dr. Davis. He kept his gaze focused on me with his hands clasped in his lap, one leg crossed over the other. His gray eyes were soft but concerned.

I swallowed. “I’m sorry I missed my appointment the other day.”

“No problem.”

Silence dangled as he wrote on his notepad. What was he writing? I hadn’t given him any details yet.

Subtle tans, reds, and oranges colored the walls while a soft glow from the table lamp next to me enhanced the coziness of the room. “So, do you like Ashford?” he asked in a soothing voice.

I wiped my nose with the wadded up tissue, and nodded.

“What’s one thing you like about it?”

“The trees and the fall colors,” I said quietly. Fall was one of the seasons I was excited about. I’d only seen pictures of how beautiful this area was when the leaves changed. In California, we had some trees that changed colors, but we didn’t have the dense wooded landscape like New England.

“The fall is pretty. This is only the beginning, too. The colors don’t peak until October.”

“I’m scared,” I whispered, tears forming again.

“About?” His voice softened.

Even though I’d just met him, I wanted to spill my guts to him. Maybe it was his nurturing tone, or the gentleness in his dark eyes. “Life. Living on edge. Not getting the images of my mother and my sister out of my head. Always waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares.”

“Did something happen recently, Lacey?”

A tear dropped on my jeans. I curled my legs underneath me. “I had one of my panic attacks the other night and Kody’s brother, Kade, was with me when it happened. Now he wants to know why I have panic attacks. I’m afraid to tell him. Heck, I’m afraid of anyone knowing that I’m broken. Now Kody knows that I see a shrink.”

“Why are you afraid of telling Kade?”

A tinge of anger surfaced. “Would you want people to know that you’re crazy?”

“Having PTSD doesn’t mean you’re crazy.” Compassion laced his words. “After a traumatic event, the mind and body are in shock.”

“You didn’t see the look on Kade’s face when I came out of the flashback. He was frightened. I don’t want him to be afraid of me.” I didn’t want to see his eyes bulge like that again.

“I think he might be afraid
for
you. He probably didn’t know how to help. Take me through what happened the other night.”

I explained what I remembered from when Kade and I drove up to the house.

“So the trigger was the dark house?” he asked.

I nodded. “So how could Kade have helped?”

He scribbled on his notepad. “For one, he would need to know the triggers. During the next session I would like to explore some of the details of the trauma. That way we can determine what other things generate an episode. We’ll take it slowly and gradually. Fair enough?”

“Yes.” I only knew of the lights trigger for sure. However, a few other things were scorched into my memory of that night—all the blood I’d slipped in on the kitchen floor, and the scent of it—the insect-repellent smell of the cologne in the garage, and the worst part—Mom and Julie’s bodies. For as long as I lived, that memory would haunt my dreams. “Dr. Davis, will I ever get better?”

He crossed one leg over the other. “I can’t say you will ever forget what you went through. Trauma is hard on anyone, and everyone processes it differently. But with some hard work, there is the possibility you can get to a point where you’re not having attacks or flashbacks.”

“I know I will never get that night out of my head, but I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” I wrapped my arms around myself.

“Let’s shift topics for a moment. In the file I received from Dr. Meyers, it says you like to play baseball. What position do you play?”

“Pitcher.” His question had nothing to do with what happened to me, yet it had everything to do with my life. I knew this was one of his ways to learn more about me. When I first met Dr. Meyers we’d talked about the weather and so many other topics before she even asked me about that night.

After forty-five minutes of talking about baseball and the move from California, I got up and moved over to the window. Main Street in Lancaster bustled with late-day traffic. Cars waited in line to get through the red light. The torrential rain had slowed to a drizzle.

“Between now and the next time we meet, I would like for you to try an exercise.”

Exercise
? Turning, I raised an eyebrow. He got to his feet, walked over to stand behind his cherry-wood desk, and set down his notepad. He had one hand in his pants pocket, and the other smoothing out his goatee. “Don’t worry. This won’t hurt a bit. I want you to play a game with a friend. It’s an icebreaker game.” He circled around his desk. “You tell your friend one thing that they don’t know about you, then you have them tell you one thing you don’t know about them. When we meet again, I want to hear how it went.” He met me at the window, both his hands in his pockets now.

“Wait. I don’t want anyone to know—”

“It doesn’t have to be about what happened to you. It can be anything. For example, I’ll tell you something about me. Then I want you to reciprocate. Fair enough?”

“Sure.” My brain worked to find something about me to share.

“I love to dip my bacon in maple syrup.”

“Really?” I’d have to try that. It did sound tasty.

“Yes. Now it’s your turn.”

“I like Kade Maxwell.” I slapped my hand over my mouth.
Did I just say that
?

“Was I not supposed to know that?” He angled his head to one side.

I let out a nervous laugh. “Um…I guess…I don’t know. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud to anyone.”

“So he doesn’t know?” His expression was impassive, although there was a smile in his eyes.

I shook my head. “We’ve kissed, but I never told him that I like him.” He definitely knew I wanted him, but that was a different story.

My cheeks were scorching hot from embarrassment. I was having a conversation about a boy with my psychiatrist. I’d never spoken to Dad about boys. That topic was always reserved for my mom or my sister. I wished they were here so I could talk to them about Kade in particular, especially Mom. She always had the answers. When I debated whether to date Brad, she’d told me to make sure the boy you build a relationship with supports your dreams, and you support his. Brad had told me he supported me playing baseball, but on several occasions he always had an excuse for not showing. Yet I’d cheered him on at every one of his soccer games.

“I see. Then maybe you’ve already picked your friend for the assignment.” He walked me to the door.

“Oh, I don’t think so,” I said. “If I play that game with him, he’ll be asking me more questions.”

“Lacey, you have to dip your toe in the water. You can’t be afraid or else healing will be difficult. Do you understand?”

I nodded. I could always play it with Becca.

“Good. I’ll see you next week.” He held the door open for me.

The waiting room was empty when I walked out. I didn’t know if Kade was outside or not, but as I made way downstairs, I thought about the game that Dr. Davis wanted me to play. In part, Kade and I had played it already. He’d told me that he liked me. I hadn’t reciprocated, though. There was so much to learn about one another. Could this game be the key to unlocking both our worlds?

Kade’s tall, sexy body came into view through the glass doors. I hesitated for a second before exiting the building. I wasn’t even near him and butterflies took flight inside me. He was leaning against his truck, looking all hot and hunky. His eyes skimmed the length of my body as I drew closer. He smiled when we locked gazes.

I wiped every expression off my face, steeling my shoulders, breathing evenly.
Hell.
Who was I kidding? I was a complete wreck—inside and out. My feelings always showed on my face.

I pushed through the glass doors. The drizzle had turned into a mist. I crossed my arms over my chest as I walked over to him. The ball of knots in my stomach tightened as though someone were wringing out a wet towel. I stopped a few feet from him. I couldn’t get too close. I didn’t trust myself. Still, I couldn’t decide if I should punch him, kiss him, or just walk away.

Getting to know people used to be fun. I’d been the girl at Crestview who mentored incoming freshmen. I volunteered for the position. I was assigned two students at a time. My role was to show them around campus, answer any questions they had and check in with them periodically to see how they were doing. In the process, I made a friend or two. But now here I was, debating whether I wanted to spend my energy on Kade.

“What’s wrong?” he asked in that sexy voice of his.

“Oh, I don’t know. You want to tell me?” I’d put money on the table that Kody alerted him to our conversation in the waiting room.

His fingers got lost in his unruly hair. “Shit. You ran into Kody, didn’t you?”

“
Why
, Kade? Why didn’t you tell me? And why did you have to tell Kody?” I swallowed hard, trying not to lose it. I wouldn’t be so freaking mad if Kody had walked out of the office and been surprised to see me. At least with that scenario it would’ve built a little trust between Kade and me.

“If I had, you would’ve bolted.” He straightened his posture. “Your dad said you missed an appointment last week. I didn’t want that to happen again. And I told my brother because he would’ve gone ballistic seeing someone from school here.” He crossed one arm over his chest to hold his other.

“You’re not my father. You don’t get to decide if I miss an appointment or not. And what makes you think I would’ve run?”

“You ran last week when you were here. You didn’t go in because of me. Right? Tell me I’m wrong.”

I dropped my gaze.

He closed the distance between us. “I’m sorry, Lace,” he said as his hand reached out to grab my arm.

I backed away even though I wanted to leap into his arms. I had to make him understand he couldn’t make my decisions for me, and trust was important to me. He hardly knew me. How could he know what was right for me?

Well, if you open up to the man, he might…

Shut up
, I shouted at the stupid voice in my head.
God.
I was losing it. “If you want to get to know me, Kade, acting like you know what’s good for me isn’t the way to do it. Do you know how hard it was for me to ask you to bring me here? Huh?”

“I was just trying to help.” He shoved his hands into the pockets of his faded jeans.

“Why do you care? You don’t know me. And I’ve done nothing but—”

“Stop, Lace.” He raised his voice. “I screwed up.” Regret flickered in his gaze. “I care because” —he gentled his voice— “I like you.”

“I’m not sure I like
you
right now.”
Okay, that was a big fat lie
.

With a deadpan expression he retrieved his keys from his pocket. “Get in. I’ll take you home,” he said.

Yeah, I had either pissed him off or hurt his feelings. I couldn’t tell. I wasn’t going to take it back just to make him feel better. “I’ll find my own way home,” I said, digging my phone out of my purse.

“No,” he snapped. “Get in the truck.”

Now he was showing a little attitude. Becca had said Kade had a temper. At least I got some emotion out of him. I hated the blank looks or not knowing what he was thinking.

“No,” I blurted out. Who did he think he was talking to? I was getting tired of him ordering me around like he did at the Cave the other night.

“You’re not going to like it if I have to put you in the truck myself.” His tone had an edge to it.

I laughed.

He didn’t. The imposing ass-hat stalked toward me. He was an arm’s length from me when Dr. Davis emerged from the building, his briefcase in hand.

“Lacey. Kade,” Dr. Davis said. “Is everything all right?”

“Yes, sir,” Kade responded.

“You know Kade?” I asked, my jaw practically coming unhinged.

“Yes,” he said. “Now, is everything okay?”

No. I was seeing a doctor that knew Kade.
Was that the reason he was in town when I was here last week
?

“Do you see a shrink too?” I asked, glaring at Kade.

If I’d asked Dr. Davis he wouldn’t have told me. Doctor-patient confidentiality bound him.

“I should after today,” Kade mocked.

He was now holding my hand.
When did he glue his hand to mine? God, I needed to pay attention around him
.

“We’re fine, Doc,” Kade said. “We were just leaving.”

Dr. Davis nodded, then headed to his car.

“Let’s go, and don’t make a scene,” Kade whispered.

“Or what?”

“I’ll take you back to my house and lock you in my room.” His eyes narrowed to slits, soft lashes belying the anger in his eyes.

“You and whose army?”

“Lacey,” he warned.

Large raindrops fell from the sky. I yanked my hand from his. “Fine. Take me home.” I only agreed because the clouds were about to open up again. I got into his truck, slamming the door. When he slid into the driver’s seat, he mumbled a string of curse words. After he turned the ignition, his glance shot daggers my way.

Whatever.
I relaxed against the seat, pinning my gaze out the side window. An uncomfortable silence filled the truck as we headed to my house. I itched to get home, to lock myself in my room and bury my head under a pillow. I wasn’t even going to try and make sense of anything that happened today. All I knew was that my focus had to be sharp for tryouts on Wednesday. So I shoved my emotions in a box and taped it shut. Then prayed like hell I would make it through the rest of the week without seeing Kade Maxwell.

Chapter 11

K
ade consumed my world the previous day, leaving me little time to think about my meeting with Coach Dean in the afternoon. My thoughts since I’d gotten home had focused on Kade. One minute he was tender and sweet, and the next he was betraying my trust. I tried studying for the chemistry quiz, to no avail. The words blurred across the page. I gave up and studied trig. After the first problem, I found myself transposing numbers. So I resorted to sleep. The minute I closed my eyes images of Kade licking my abs popped into my brain. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well. The only good thing about my mind wandering was that I didn’t have nightmares.

Since I didn’t have a car, I’d called Becca to see if she could pick me up. No answer. I texted her. Still no response. I would’ve asked Dad, but he arrived home late last night. Reluctantly, I called Tyler. I wasn’t sure I was ready to see him, given our awkward moment on the ball field Saturday morning.

I inhaled, taking in the fresh morning scent of grass and wet leaves as I sat on the porch waiting for Tyler. Our front lawn wasn’t as nicely landscaped as the Maxwells’. We didn’t have perfectly manicured shrubs or a clean carpet of grass. Leaves littered our lawn. Dad and I had yet to pay much attention to the yard. We’d always had a landscaper take care of our property in LA.

I’d been staring off into space, rubbing my lips when my phone chirped in my hand. I looked at the screen then hit the ignore button. I didn’t want to deal with Kade this morning. With my luck, when I heard his voice I’d probably cave. I had no idea how I was going to act when I saw him at school. I’d worry about it later. Right now, I had to ride to school with Tyler.

The sound of an engine cleared my head as an SUV drove up. “You ready?” Tyler asked through the open passenger window, his blond hair, so unlike Kade’s, ruffled from the wind.

“Yeah.” I gathered my backpack then followed the brick path down to the driveway. I still didn’t know what I was going to say to Tyler. Would he want to talk about our almost-kiss?

The heat blasted me as I climbed into the SUV, a welcome change from the chilly morning temperatures. I set my phone in my lap and waved my hands in front of the vents.

“What happened to you yesterday?” Tyler asked, backing out of the driveway. “I almost called you, but I got tied up with football practice.”

“I didn’t feel good. So I have a meeting with Coach today. Do you know what it’s about?” Tyler was well connected with the sports staff at the school.

“No clue.” He shifted the SUV into drive.

“You don’t think he’s going to tell me I can’t try out, do you?” I didn’t know why I kept thinking that.

“Why would he?” Tyler asked.

My phone rang. I hit the ignore button again.

“Avoiding someone?” he asked, leaning an elbow on his console.

“Are you still helping me practice after school?” Kross, Kelton, Tyler, and I had agreed to practice one more time before tryouts.

“Okay, now you’re avoiding me.” His gaze darted to me then back out the windshield. “What’s going on, Lace? You ran off Saturday after practice. You weren’t in school yesterday. Now you’re ignoring calls and questions. What are you hiding from?”

My life. “I’m worried about tryouts.” I rubbed my arm as I said it. I’d taken Advil at breakfast. My elbow had more of a dull ache than my shoulder. I could work with a sore elbow.

“Tryouts wouldn’t have you ignoring a phone call. Who is it—Kade?”

My head jerked toward him so fast I might have to worry about whiplash. A pregnant pause stretched through the stoplight. “Why would you automatically think it was Kade?”

A muscle ticked in his jaw as he regarded me cautiously from the corner of his eye. “Lacey, I told you to stay away from him.”

“Why does everyone keep telling me that? First you, then Becca. I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself.”

He laughed. “I know that,” he said in a mirthless tone.

“What is your problem, Tyler? Are you jealous or something?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Lacey.” His brazenness set me off, especially when he gave me the vibe that he liked me as more than a friend.

“Then what is it?” I bit out. I wasn’t letting him off the hook now.

“I’m sorry. Let’s just drop it.” He sighed. “It’s none of my business. I was just trying to make sure you don’t get hurt.”

Why was everyone worried about me getting involved with Kade? Was there something about him that I was missing? Sure, I witnessed a sliver of his temper. But he wasn’t a monster.

My phone dinged.
Speak of the devil
.

I’m sorry.
A sad-faced emoticon followed the two words.

Tyler pulled into the school’s lot. I put my phone in sleep mode. I’d deal with Kade later, if at all.

“Forgive me?” Tyler asked, throwing the SUV into park.

I sighed heavily. “Ty, I like you as a friend, and nothing more.”
There. I said it
.

“I get it, Lace.” His pensive look as he focused on the red truck in front of us didn’t match his words. “As your friend, I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“While I appreciate your protective nature, I don’t need a big brother. I have one. I appreciate your concern, but the guy is not what you or anyone else may think. I’ve heard about his rivalry with Greg Sullivan. And, if you must know, I now have my own rivalry with that creep.”

I had my hand on the door when his fingers latched around my arm.

“Explain that last part, please?” He regarded me, lines creasing his forehead.

“I had words with Greg yesterday morning.”

“Where? I thought you were sick. And why?” He dropped his hand from my arm.

“He was being a jerk.”

“You mean he took a picture of you and Kade kissing,” he said.

There it was. The thing that was bothering Tyler
.

“And you know that how?” The hairs on my neck rose.

“It went viral yesterday.”

Whatever. I hopped out of the SUV, slipping my phone into my pocket. I wasn’t hanging around to hear any more of Tyler’s wisdom about why I shouldn’t be seeing Kade. I had my own reasons I shouldn’t be seeing the sexy hunk.

“Lace?” Tyler called after me.

I waved my hand in the air as I jogged toward school. Kids strolled in, chatting to one another or on their phones. I sailed past them, through the doors and right into Aaron Seever.

“Hey, watch where you’re going.” He grasped my shoulders, glaring down at me.

“Sorry,” I said, shrugging out of his hold.

I’d only seen Aaron from a distance at the Cave, and he wasn’t in any of my classes. The guy was taller than I’d realized.

“I don’t think we’ve had a chance to meet yet,” he said. “I’m Aaron.” Students roamed the hall, appearing to be in their own worlds.

“Lacey,” I said, extending my hand.

We both knew who the other was. Still, I went through the motions.
Be nice
.

He closed his hand over mine. “Nice to meet you. Now that we have that out of the way.” He clamped down on my hand as though his were a vise. Leaning in, he said in a low voice, “I don’t know why you want to be on this team. Frankly, with a hot body like yours, you’d look better in a swimsuit than a baseball uniform. I hear the swim team has an opening.”

“Is that so?” My eyes were locked with his. “What’s wrong, Aaron? Are you afraid I’m better than you?”

We stared daggers at each other until a group of girls walking by giggled. He blinked. I swung my gaze to my left. Tyler and Kade strode toward the doors.
Great
! They were absorbed in some conversation. Aaron followed my line of sight.

Immediately, he let go of my hand. “Watch your back, Lacey. And for your sake, I hope you don’t make the team.”

I turned my attention back to Aaron. His green eyes narrowed.

In the softest voice possible, I said, “Bring it, asshole.” Not waiting for his response, and mainly to avoid Kade and Tyler, I ducked into the crowd. What was it with male egos? I’d had my share of ribbing from the boys at Crestview, but nothing as tense as what Aaron was dishing out. Suddenly, the principal’s concerns tumbled through my brain.
I had to reprimand the boys for the last girl that was on the team
.

Maybe times were changing. Maybe she would be reprimanding me instead of the boys on the team. I certainly wasn’t going to let him or any other guy scare me away. I had too much at stake.

When I got to my locker, I found Becca chatting with Kelton in the hall next to her homeroom class. Was he the reason she hadn’t answered her phone this morning? I debated whether to interrupt what looked like an intimate moment then shelved the idea. With my mood, I’d probably bite her head off. She didn’t deserve it. Plus I certainly wasn’t in the mood for whatever cocksure attitude Kelton had in store today. Instead, I unloaded a couple of books from my backpack then quietly slipped into my homeroom class. We had English next, so I’d be able to catch up with her then.

After homeroom, the day dragged. In English, Becca told me her phone had died last night, and she had been charging it this morning. She hadn’t turned it on until she’d gotten to school.

Kelton was his old asshat self. The first thing he said to me when he sat down in English was, “What did you do to my brother? He bit my head off when I asked him why you weren’t in school yesterday.”

I failed to answer him. Thankfully, Mr. Souza started class. Becca even tried to find out what had happened between Kade and me. I waved her off. I wasn’t in the mood to dish out details. Besides, I reminded her the school had ears. That was one of the reasons she never wanted to hang out inside the building before school started. Tyler and I avoided each other. I had no idea what he and Kade were chatting about when I’d seen them walking into school. I was dying to know, though.

Kade had sent me several texts throughout the day telling me he was sorry. Since the only class I had with him was psychology, which was the last class of the day, I was able to avoid him. If I saw him in the halls, I went the other way.

Now, my pulse sped up as I plucked out my psychology book from my locker. There was no way to hide from him in class. I could skip, but there were too many negative consequences for me to skip a class for no reason. I’d just closed my locker when out of the corner of my eye I spotted Kade walking toward me. I started to blend in with student traffic, but my feet got tangled with a boy who had big feet. He caught me before I fell. By the time I tried to merge again, Kade had me caged against the lockers.

“You’re avoiding me,” he said in my ear.

I laughed. He sounded like Tyler. I guess that was my theme today. “What gave you your first clue?” His scent of cedar washed over me, and I bit my lip to keep from whimpering.

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he whispered.

“So you
texted
and called a million times.”

Voices grew louder then faded as students passed. If they were watching us I couldn’t tell. Kade had me trapped in his remorseful gaze. We stared at each other—him through lowered lashes; me, well, I wasn’t sure. Before my brain caught up to my body, I brushed his bangs to one side. His eyelids slid shut. When he opened them, relief shone through as though he’d been waiting a thousand years for my touch.

“I promise I will not make decisions for you. I will not betray the trust between us. I will not tell my brothers what we share. If you want them to know, then it’s up to you to tell them. Please forgive me.”

The warning bell rang. I was sort of relieved for the distraction. I wasn’t ready to forgive him yet. I wasn’t sure if I ever would be. “We need to get to class,” I said.

He searched my face before he erased the despair from his and walked away. If it weren’t for the final bell, I would’ve slumped to the floor.
Was I being too harsh? No
. Trust was important to me. People grow by learning from their mistakes, Mom had always said. Everyone deserves a second chance, Dad would say. I didn’t have time to analyze it. I headed to psychology. Mr. Dobson was closing the door when I ran up. He gave me an exasperated look as I slunk by him.

As soon as I sat down, Becca twisted in her seat. “Do you want to hang out after school?” She glanced past me and waved.

Who was she waving to—Kross, Kade, or both
? “I can’t. I have a meeting with Coach Dean. Then I have practice.”

Mr. Dobson wrote on the board.

I shot a quick look behind me. A girl with light brown hair and amber eyes stared my way. I swallowed hard, mentally shaking off the cold and eerie feeling. The girl looked just like my sister Julie. My hands began to shake, so I sat on them.
Calm down. She’s not Julie.

“Who’s the girl?” I hadn’t seen her before today. Then again, the last time I was in psychology, Kade had dominated my thoughts. I still couldn’t remember what the lecture was about.

“Renee Spellman,” Becca said.

“Let’s begin,” Mr. Dobson announced.

Becca faced forward. I slouched in my chair, taking in quiet breaths to ease my racing heart.

“Today’s topic is Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Who’s heard of her?” Mr. Dobson asked.

I hadn’t. Apparently a few kids in class knew the name, one of them being Renee.

“Isn’t she the woman who came up with the five stages of grief?” Renee asked.

Dr. Meyers had explained them to me. Anger and depression were the two that plagued me. Denial, bargaining, and acceptance hadn’t surfaced yet, and according to Dr. Meyers, they might never. Not everyone experienced all five stages. I hoped one day I could accept what had happened to them. Maybe if I knew who killed them I might be able to.

So as Mr. Dobson talked, I tuned him out. The last thing I wanted to do was think about death or anything depressing that might trigger a panic attack. It was bad enough Renee could pass as my sister. The resemblance was uncanny. Even the way one side of her mouth curled higher than the other when she smiled.
Think of something else.
I began doodling in my notebook. The simple act of drawing circles and squares usually helped to clear my mind. After most of the page was covered in geometric shapes, I drew a broken arrow through a cracked heart with the letter L inside the heart. This was one picture that wasn’t worth a thousand words, but a million emotions—anger, sorrow, grief, fear, pain. Could my heart ever be repaired? Would my life ever be normal? I propped my right elbow on my desk, resting my head in my hand. As I did, I glanced around the classroom and locked eyes with Kade.

A smile formed on his face, causing goosebumps to cover my arms
.
What was it with him that made my body react the way it did and my mind forget what I was just thinking?
It isn’t him. You’re just messed up.