Dark Angel (34 page)

"You told me Jared was Emily's father." Adam's voice was stripped of all emotion. "You were lying."

Caroline swallowed. Denial would be useless. And she could not bring herself to lie to him again. "Yes," she said, her eyes on his face.

"Were there other men, Caro?" Adam asked. "You could hardly have been blamed. Your husband was taking his pleasure elsewhere."

The coldness in his voice chilled Caroline to the bone. "There was no one."

"Until the night you came to my rooms." Adam turned away and gripped the rail. "She's my child, isn't she?"

His voice was dispassionate, but Caroline heard the pain beneath his words. "Adam—" she said, longing to put her arms round him.

Adam turned back and seized her shoulders. "Say it, Caroline."

Caroline drew a breath, seeking the right words. "Emily is your daughter, Adam. Yours and mine. And I never wanted either of you to be hurt."

"You just didn't think I'd make a worthy father." Adam looked as if he had received a blow so staggering he couldn't quite feel the pain. "I shouldn't be surprised. You never thought I'd make a worthy husband."

Caroline was trembling, but she kept her voice was steady. "It wasn't like that."

"No?" Adam said with savage quiet. "Then how was it? Enlighten me."

"I didn't want Emily to grow up as a bastard."

"You think I'd have told anyone?" Adam demanded.

"No, of course not. But—" The shout of an order cut the air, the words indistinguishable. The rigging creaked as men scrambled up to adjust the sails. Reminded that they were not alone, however vast the deck, Caroline lowered her voice.

"When you asked me about Emily everything was different between us."

Adam's gaze did not soften. "And when things began to change?" he said. "Did you think of telling me then?"

Caroline shut her eyes and had an image of lying on Adam's bed with his body buried deep inside her own. "Perhaps later—"

"When?"
Adam's hands tightened on her shoulders. "When we got to England? When Emily got married? When she had children of her own? When I was on my deathbed?"

"Stop it, Adam," Caroline said, desperate to still the anger raging through him. "I know I've hurt you. But at the time I didn't think you'd want her."

"Dear Christ," Adam said with a bitterness Caroline could taste. "How the hell could I not want my own child?"

Caroline felt herself sinking beneath the weight of her own mistakes. "I knew you'd care for Emily if you had to. But I thought she would only be a burden to you. I thought you were too angry at me to want any reminder of the night we spent together. How could I know how you'd feel about her when I didn't know how you felt about me?"

"God help us." Adam released her and pressed his hands over his eyes. He sounded unutterably weary.

In that moment he seemed farther away from her than he had in the heat of anger. Caroline felt hollow inside, as if something precious had been torn from her. She had learned to accept the past. She had gone to Adam, and for a few moments happiness had been within their grasp. Then it had been shattered to bits and the chasm between them blown wider than ever. And she had no one but herself to blame.

"Adam," Caroline said, reaching out to him in one last appeal.

"No." Adam dragged his hands from his face. "It doesn't matter, Caro. None of it matters. It's over."

Chapter Fifteen

Adam stood at the railing, watching the ship round the Isle of Wight, its green hills sloping gently to the water. Portsmouth Harbor lay just ahead, the end of their journey.

Or nearly the end. Adam had still to travel to London, to unravel the mystery of Talbot's attempts on Caroline's life, to see Caroline and Emily safe and settled. But what had happened between him and Caroline was over. For a moment, a brief moment twelve days ago while they had stood at this same railing and she had told him she was done with the past, he had thought something more than friendship was possible between them. Now they were beyond even friendship. With a few inadvertent words Caroline had told him he was not worthy of her trust.

Adam felt a tug on his breeches and looked down to find Emily with her arms wrapped around his leg. His child, the issue of his body, his hope for the future. She laughed and pointed to the gulls screaming and diving about the ship. Then she ran off, a sprite of a girl, her fair hair shining in the sun. He had seen little of her since they had embarked. In the two weeks of their voyage she had explored every inch of the
Sea Horse
and she knew half the passengers and crew by name. Everyone knew Jared Rawley's daughter.

Adam could understand Caroline's concern. No child should have to bear the stigma of bastardy. He would have let her keep Jared's name. He was ready to be her stepfather before the world, her real father in fact. He had begun to tell Caroline this in Lisbon, but she had made it clear, all too quickly, that she wanted no future with him. And if he had not quite believed her then, he did now. He had only to watch her with Sheriton to know the kind of life and kind of man she preferred. Adam did not belong to their world and he never would.

"Durward." Adam looked up to see Sheriton approaching, Caroline on his arm. Caroline moved to the railing and looked out over the water. She did not look at Adam and Adam avoided her eyes. Idiocy. They had passed the entire voyage so, speaking when they must but without any trace of their former intimacy. In truth, Adam had avoided her company for he felt as uncomfortable in her presence as she must feel in his.

Sheriton, on the other hand, had been persistently friendly. Too much so for Adam's liking. A trace of wariness or open dislike he would have understood. Hell, he'd accused Sheriton's partner of bribery and fraud. He'd had some touchy interviews with Sheriton himself, and he'd broken up the partnership and ruined Sheriton's investment in the foundry.

The friendliness was suspicious, and so was Sheriton's unexpected appearance on the
Sea Horse,
Adam did not believe in coincidence. It was too much that one of Jared's partners just happened to arrive in Lisbon at the time that Caroline was preparing to leave it.

But Caroline had no use for Adam's suspicions. Sheriton had always been a friend, and it was absurd, she insisted, to think that a man who had been no nearer Spain than Gibraltar could have anything to do with the assassins hired to kill her.

Adam acknowledged her argument and reserved his judgment. He was jealous of Sheriton, and jealousy, he knew, did not make for clear thinking. So he greeted the handsome blond giant now and moved aside to make room for him at the railing.

With Sheriton between them and the approaching land to hold their attention, Adam and Caroline were able to carry on a civil, even lively conversation. There was much to talk about. The water north of the Isle of Wight was filled with ships, armed frigates and sloops, brigs and smaller vessels, all rocking gently at anchor. The
Sea Horse
made its slow way among them, heading for the narrow and well-fortified entrance to Portsmouth Harbor. "England," Caroline said. There was a look of mingled anticipation and sadness on her face.

Sheriton covered her hand briefly with his own. "It's over. Leave the past behind."

Adam saw Caroline tense and knew she was remembering that he had spoken those same words the night of their quarrel. "Yes," she said, moving a little way apart. "It's over. And I'm home." Her voice was bright and determined. She turned and smiled at Sheriton and then looked beyond him to meet Adam's gaze. For a moment, something passed between them, some acknowledgement of all they had been through together since he had found her in Acquera. Then she looked away.

Adam felt again the wrenching pang of loss. Of all the women in the world, this woman would always remain the object of his desire. He had thought her beautiful when he pulled her, pale and drenched, out of the Carrión, but she was more beautiful now. Her eyes had lost their haunted look, the dark circles beneath them hardly visible. There was color in her face too, and she had put on some weight during the voyage. A few stray strands of hair were blowing about her face, an imperfection that only added to the perfection of the whole. And Sheriton, besotted fool, was aware of it too.

Adam excused himself abruptly. The deck had grown crowded with crewmen furling sails and soldiers eager for a glimpse of home. As he made his way along the deck, Adam caught sight of Andy and Jack struggling with a heavy box. Then Caroline swept by, Emily in tow. Adam followed her to her cabin and said he would see her boxes safely bestowed. Caroline thanked him and gave him an absent smile. Emily, she said, must say goodbye to everyone on the ship and she had yet to find Norris, her favorite midshipman.

Adam descended to the wardroom where he was quartered with the ship's lieutenants to see to his own belongings. There was a thunder of feet from above and a great deal of shouting. Most of the men were in boisterous spirits. Portsmouth meant women and drink and the blessed solidity of land. Adam would not mind a little solid land himself. He enjoyed the sea, but not with the passion of a true sailor.

When he emerged again on deck the passengers had already begun to disembark. A barge piled with luggage was pulling away from the
Sea Horse.
Adam had no difficulty identifying Elena's bright gold hair. Caroline and Emily were seated beside her and Hawkins, who had had strict instructions to not let Caroline out of his sight once they reached land, was standing nearby.

Adam stood at the railing and watched their passage to land. A stout, turf-covered brick wall rose beyond the landing area, pierced by gates to allow access to the town. Hundreds of mortars and heavy cannon stood at intervals before the wall, together with piles of shot and shells. The landing area itself was swarming with soldiers and sailors and workmen and with the myriad barrels and carts and barrows necessary to deal with the loading and unloading of the war ships that filled the harbor. There was a scattering of townspeople as well, including women and children, most of the latter running wild through the crowd or climbing on the cannon.

When Adam arrived on land he found Emily perched on Hawkins's shoulders. "It's the only way I could keep track of her," Hawkins admitted. "Hold still, young one."

Emily was bouncing about. "Adam! Hawkins says we're going to ride in a carriage with horses all the way to London. Can I ride one of the horses?"

Adam grinned. Emily had that effect on all of them. "I'm afraid not. No one rides carriage horses. But you can pet them if you like."

Emily's eyes grew wide with excitement and then her attention was claimed by some small boys running through the boxes and barrels to escape an irate shopkeeper. Adam turned to Caroline and Elena who were receiving effusive farewells from Andy and Jack. Sheriton stood nearby, his eyes on Caroline. "Do you ride to London?" Adam asked, hating himself for needing to know.

"Afraid not," Sheriton said cheerfully. "We stay in Hampshire. Got to look in on my mother and prove foreign travel hasn't ruined her precious Jack. We'll go on to London in a few days. The boys need to acquire some town bronze."

It was a respite. Adam knew he should not care, but he was grateful for the promised few days of Sheriton's absence. A few days to control his jealousy, to accept the loss of Caroline and his daughter, to deal with the problem of Talbot Rawley. And then, back to Lisbon and Spain and a world that had no room in it for women.

After her bitter quarrel with Adam on the
Sea Horse,
Caroline had resolved on going to her sister's home in Sussex rather than taking refuge with Adam's aunt in London. She would be as safe in Sussex as in London. Safer, probably. And if she needed to travel to London to learn what monies Jared might have left her, she could leave Emily with Jane. She would not inflict herself on Adam any longer. They hurt each other too much.

But as soon as the decision was taken, Caroline knew that London must be her destination. London was where Talbot's father, Lord Granby, lived, and his eldest son Edward and Edward's wife Dolly who had once been one of Caroline's closest friends. It was there, at Granby House, that she could learn how to thwart Talbot's threat to both Adam and herself.

As for her reluctance to stay under the same roof with Adam, that was nothing but cowardice. Whatever Adam thought of her behavior, he wanted to see her safe. Not only her, but Emily. Caroline had seen him stealing glances at Emily throughout their voyage. There was affection in his gaze and an unbearable pain. She could not run away. There must be a way to heal the damage she had done.

It was mid-afternoon of the following day when they pulled up in Red Lion Square, not far from London's Inns of Court. Adam did not know if they were expected. He had written his aunt from Lisbon, but they may well have outrun his letter. Leaving the others in the carriage, he ran up the steps and rapped briskly on the door, which was opened at once by a tall middle-aged woman whose smile transformed her normally severe face.