Dark Blue: Color Me Lonely with Bonus Content (21 page)

“Maybe it’s just who I am,” I say.

“No, Kara, that’s not it. You’re cool, really, you are. I know you try to hide it sometimes. And I have to say that since you started hanging with those nerdy kids, well, it’s probably even harder to tell. But
I
know that you’re cool. I’m thinking that if you could just get back to who you used to be, and then start hanging with me again . . . well, things could really change for you. You know what I mean?” I frown now. “I’m not sure. Are you saying you want to be best friends again?”

She shrugs. “Yeah, sure. But you’d have to break it off with your little art club group.” She smiles now. “I mean, I realize they’re probably nice people and all, but really, Kara, it’s time to lose the losers.”

I take in a deep breath and hold it. I’m not actually counting to ten, but perhaps that’s not such a bad idea. Then it occurs to me that I probably don’t really need to get angry at Jordan. Maybe it’s just a God thing, or maybe I’m growing up. But I’m thinking it won’t accomplish anything to explode on her. After all, she’s only doing what she knows how to do best—be her superficial self.

“You know, Jordan,” I begin slowly, calmly. “I happen to like where my life is right now. And I like my new friends too.”

She turns and looks at me, almost running into the back of a car as she does.

“Look out!” I scream and brace myself as she stamps on the brakes and screeches to a stop just in time.

“Sorry,” she says. “Guess I better watch the road. But what did you just say? Did you say that you actually
like
your nerdy friends?”

“I don’t think of them as nerdy, Jordan. I think of them as interesting and nice. And, yes, I do like them. A lot.”

“You’re kidding, right?” She glances my way then back to her driving, which is a relief since I really don’t want to end up in the hospital today.

“No, I’m not,” I say in a firm voice. I notice she’s frowning now and I suspect I’ve hurt her feelings and I feel a little bit guilty. “But I like you too, Jordan, and I’d still like to be your friend. I’ve really missed you, and your family too. We spent a lot of great years together, you know.”

She nods. “I know. And I’ve missed you too. And I’d really like us to be friends again. To be honest, it’s been kind of lonely lately. I mean Timothy is great and all, but he’s not always that available. And he’s got sports and stuff. I really need a girlfriend to hang with too.”

“I know what you mean.” I’m thinking of Edgar now. He’s a good friend, but sometimes I almost wish he was a girl. Almost.

“And so maybe we can work this thing out,” she says in a happy voice. I notice that she forgets to use her turn signal as she turns down the street to our apartment complex. “But, you’d have to understand that you can’t have it both ways, Kara. I mean you’d really need to lose the losers. I’m not kidding about that.”

“Neither am I,” I tell her. “I can’t give up my friends.”

“Why not?”
She pulls in front of the apartments in a fast stop and jerks on the emergency brake. “It’s not like any of them are really your best friend, Kara. I mean, whether you know it or not, I watch you guys sometimes and I can tell. Felicia is best friends with Jessie Rubenstein, and that Amy, well, God only knows who she’s
best friends with, but I assure you, it’s not you. And certainly that Edgar creep couldn’t be your—”

“Excuse
me!” I interrupt in a fairly loud voice. “But Edgar is
not
a creep. He’s a very good friend. You’re right, he’s not my
best
friend, but he’s a very good friend.”

“Fine, whatever.” She turns and looks at me, clearly exasperated now. “My point is you don’t
have
a best friend, Kara. And neither do I. And I think that—”

“Wait a minute,” I say, holding my hands up to stop her. “That’s
not
true. I
do
have a best friend.”

She gives me her famous skeptical look now. One brow up, one brow down. Oh, how well I know it. “You honestly have a best friend, do you? Well then, who is it?”

“Jesus,” I say in a calm voice. Surprisingly calm. I am actually impressed.

Now she looks totally stunned. She stares at me as if I’ve completely lost my mind. “You’ve gotta be kidding.”

I shake my head.

“You’re totally joking now, aren’t you? This is a joke. Right?”

“Wrong. It’s the truth. I invited Jesus into my heart, partly because I was so lonely. But when he came inside of me I realized that he’s the best friend I could ever have.”

“No way!”

“Way.”

“This is too bizarre, Kara. Are you actually saying that Jesus Christ is your
best
friend? I mean, I go to church and I believe in God. But how on earth can Jesus be your best friend? Get real.”

Well, I try to explain it to her, but it becomes quite clear that she really doesn’t want to listen. Finally, I give up. “Look, Jordan, this is just the way it is, okay? Jesus really is my best friend. And I
happen to like the other friends I have too. And I’m happy to be your friend again. But I seriously doubt that we’ll ever be best friends. At least not under your conditions.” I open the car door now. Jordan looks completely baffled, as if she cannot believe that I’m actually turning down the fantastic opportunity to be the best friend of Jordan Ferguson, cheerleader and basic cool girl. But the fact is I am. And I’m totally happy about it!

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I tell her. “And I hope things work out with you and your new friends. But if they don’t, there’s always someone waiting to be your best friend, Jordan. And, believe me, he’s a friend who will never let you down.”

“Whatever.” She rolls her eyes and revs her engine now and I can tell she’s impatient to go.

“Take care,” I tell her. “And keep your eyes on the road.”

“Yeah, sure.” She shakes her head at me. “Have a nice life, Kara.”

“Thanks, I am.” I close the door just in time for her to peel out, which really looks ridiculous in an old VW bug, and I feel sorry for her tires since they already look somewhat threadbare to me.

As I go up the stairs to the apartment, I can’t help but feel sorry for Jordan too. And I know that I’ll be praying for her more than ever now. I guess I never realized just how needy she really is. I probably never would’ve either, if she hadn’t dumped me.

I smile to myself as I slip my key into the lock on the door. It suddenly occurs to me that God knew what he was doing all along. All the crud that I went through, all the pain and suffering—the loneliness. I think it was definitely worth it.

Thank you, Jesus!
I pray.
Thanks for being my BEST FRIEND.

1. Kara and Jordan had been friends since kindergarten, but how would you describe their friendship? Tight? Shallow? Dependable? Unbalanced?

2. Although they’d been friends for years, do you think Kara and Jordan knew each other as well as they thought they did? Why or why not?

3. Kara was so devastated after Jordan dumped her. What was she dependent on Jordan’s friendship for? Why do you think she relied on the friendship so much for these things?

4. How would you describe a good friend? What qualities do you look for in your own friends?

5. What makes a friend trustworthy? Untrustworthy?

6. In your experience, do friends take on certain roles in friendships? (In other words, does one usually have more power or influence than the other?) Why do you think this is? Can this ever change? How?

7. Can friends outgrow each other? Is it okay to move on? Explain.

8. Is any friendship strong enough to last forever? What would make a friendship that strong?

9. What’s most important to you: Friends? Family? God? Your dog?

10. Do you believe that Jesus can be your best friend? Is it true that he’ll never let you down or dump you for another? Can you trust him with your heart? Explain why or why not.

The story of two girls who both want one guy, and the
choices that hurt them and heal them along the way.

One

I
KNOW WHAT EVERYONE’S BEEN SAYING ABOUT ME, BUT IT’S NOT MY FAULT
that Timothy Lawrence dumped Shawna Frye the day after the Harvest Dance. Really, it’s just the way life goes sometimes. I mean just because you’ve gone with a guy for a year doesn’t mean you own him heart and soul. And I didn’t see any engagement ring on Shawna’s finger. She swears Timothy got her a promise ring once, but she claims she lost it swimming at the lake last summer. I’m not sure if I believe her. Especially since Shawna is saying all kinds of things these days. Mostly about me. And mostly untrue, not to mention unkind.

“That Jordan Ferguson is a backstabbing tramp,” I overheard her tell Lucy Farrell in the locker room today. Naturally, she didn’t realize that I could hear her going on and on from behind my closed door of
the bathroom stall. Or maybe she did. Maybe she just didn’t care that her words cut me deeply. Of course, everyone knows that she wants to hurt me. I’m just glad that she’s not the violent type or I’d have to be watching my backside. At least I don’t think she is. But why she was telling all this to Lucy Farrell, who’s really not even involved in our group, is totally beyond me. Not that Lucy’s not nice, she is. But it’s really not any of her business. I suspect Shawna’s just looking for new sets of ears, since everyone else is probably getting sick and tired of hearing her whine and complain about me all the time.

The really sad part is that I honestly thought Shawna and I were friends. Good friends even. And I really liked her. Next to my old best friend, Kara Hendricks, Shawna was the best friend I’d ever had. She’s fun and funny, and we’re both cheerleaders and have the exact same taste (including boys, as it turns out), but I’d really hoped we could be friends for a long, long time.

“Didn’t you think she’d get mad when you stole her boyfriend?” Amber Elliot asked me the other day. I could tell she was looking at me like I was the village idiot. Like,
Duh, how dumb are you, Jordan Ferguson?

But the truth is I didn’t. “I told you that Timothy said they were over with,” I explained to Amber in my most convincing tone. “He said that they both knew their relationship was history and that they were only staying together until the Harvest Dance, and only because he’d promised to take her to it.”

“That’s not what Shawna says,” said Amber with eyes that still looked doubtful.

Now the really hard part here is that I’m the new girl in the group. And everyone is loyal to Shawna. And most of them are siding with her already. Amber’s the only one who’s been trying to stay in the middle ground, but that might have more to do with being head
cheerleader than with being my friend. Still, I haven’t given up on her.

“What do you think I should do?” I asked her. “Should I break up with Timothy?” Of course, I knew that no matter what she said that I wouldn’t do this, couldn’t do this. But I was curious as to how she would respond.

“I don’t know,” she said. “But you and Shawna better sort this all out before basketball season starts. We can’t have two snarling cheerleaders spoiling everything for everyone else.”

I forced my best smile. “I’m trying, Amber, really I am. But Shawna won’t even speak to me.”

“Well, give her time to chill.” Amber rolled her eyes dramatically. “Thank goodness football season is almost over with.”

“And Tim says that basketball season is supposed to be really good,” I said, hoping to encourage her.

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be. Let’s just hope the cheerleaders can do their part to keep it together without murdering each other before the season is over.” She shook her head as if I was personally responsible for the morale of the entire team. “I gotta go now.”

I waved goodbye and wished I had said something more convincing. I mean, I could really use someone like Amber to be solidly on my side. The truth is I feel pretty alone right now. Even Kara Hendricks, my old best friend, seems to be holding me at arm’s length these days. But at least I have my Timothy. That’s some consolation prize!

And I can’t deny that I’ve had the hots for Tim ever since last year. He was a junior then, but already playing on the varsity basketball team, since he’s that good. Naturally, he didn’t even know that I existed back then. But I still enjoyed watching him from a distance. I used to cheer for him from the bleachers like he was the only one down there. And he looked totally awesome in his blue and red uniform, and I really liked watching him dribble that ball down the
court with style and grace. Most of all I liked his smile. I still do.

Of course, I never told anyone this. Not even Kara. My feeling is that when you really, really like someone, it’s best to play your cards close to your chest (as my dad would say). It gives you the advantage. And I think that has a lot to do with how I managed to hook Timothy too. I acted pretty nonchalant toward him. Like I could take him or leave him. I laughed lightly at his jokes, but then gave it right back to him as if I didn’t care what he thought about me. But the truth is, I did. I did a lot.

And then when he asked me to dance with him at the Harvest Dance, since everyone else was sort of switching partners. I just acted all aloof, and like, well, okay, I suppose I could dance with you. Kind of like hard to get. And he kept getting more and more interested.

“I don’t ever remember seeing you around school,” he told me as we danced a slow dance. “Until you made cheerleader anyway. So where were you hiding all this time?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been around.”

And so it went. A regular cat-and-mouse game. But he thought he was the cat pursuing the mouse. Little did he know.

Still, I never really dreamed that he would pursue me seriously. At least not so quickly anyway. But the very next day he called me up and then came over to my house. He told me that he’d been postponing his breakup with Shawna, but that the time had finally come. He seemed slightly disturbed about the whole thing, which I thought was rather sweet and endearing. But I tried to console him and assure him that if it was really the time to break up, the best thing was to just do it, and do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.