Dark Grace (3 page)

“Night, Gus.”

He moved his hand up to my chin, tilting my face up toward his. He leaned down and placed his warm lips on mine. It was a gentle kiss. My stomach dropped for just a moment, expecting it to turn into something more. Instead, Gus let go of me and walked back to the fire.

I walked to the makeshift shelter and climbed under the wool blankets, next to Boggs.
I listened to his breathing, trying to decide if he was asleep yet. The bigger part of me hoped not.

“Everything ok out there?” he whispered.

“Yeah.”

I felt the air mattress move as he stirred, rolling toward me.
“Thanks for telling me about the baby moving, Zo.”

I smiled in the dark.
“Well, it is yours too.”

“I know, but I appreciate you keeping me in the loop.
Is it moving right now?” he asked.

“Not now.
It feels weird when it does.”

“Is it ok if I hold you?”
His voice sounded weak, almost defeated.

“Ok.”

He wrapped an arm around me. I rested my head near his neck and let him hold me close. Something about him was different, an overall tenseness that was barely perceptible. Even so, he felt so incredibly familiar, as if my arms and my entire body had been missing something that was as memorable to me as my own skin. I inhaled his scent, which rocked me to the core of my being. I hadn’t realized just how much I had felt his absence until that moment. It was a high beyond any I had known before, followed by the low of realizing that I was holding onto him with desperation, sensing that I would be losing him once again. I had the urge to cling to him as hard as I could and to smell him for as long as he’d let me, because I may not always have the chance. I was memorizing the sensation. My soul filled with a melancholy joy. He was mine, at least in that moment.

When I woke the next morning, I could hear the crackling of the campfire.
I felt as if I had slept for hours and had a renewed sense of contentment. I stretched while listening for the usual chatter of the girls, but heard nothing aside from the flames consuming wood. I was suddenly hesitant about being alone with Gus, after sharing a bed with Boggs overnight.

I put on my figurative ‘big girl panties,’ climbed out of bed, and left the shelter.
The sky was overcast and the day was promising to be cold. As always, a breeze was blowing. I pulled my messy hair back into a ponytail, and walked toward the fire. I sat on my favorite log to soak up the warmth, wondering where Gus was. Before long, I heard footfalls coming up beside me. I turned and smiled at Gus.

“Morning,” I said.

“Hey Darlin’. Sleep well?”

I nodded.
“I did.”

“Looks like you and Boggs have made up?”

I shrugged. “If you can call it that. He’s been different for a while. But at least we’re talking.”

He grunted lightly, his version of ‘huh.’
“Want some breakfast? I can cook up some oatmeal.”

“Sure.
I’m actually starving.”

Gus looked like he had a lot on his mind.
“I thought maybe you and I could go fishin’ today. Feel up to it?” He began filling a small pan with water.

“Sure.
Off the rocks?”

“I think we should try the south end of the island on the other side of the cove.
Maybe we’ll get lucky and catch something big there.”

“’Kay.
Sounds good.”

I watched as Gus brought the pot of water and oatmeal over to the fire and found a place to set it to boil.

“Gus?”

“Hmm?”

“When do you think everyone will come back?”

“Hopefully before sunset.”
He proceeded to spit on the ground.

“Gross, Gus.
I wish you’d stop that.”

He winked at me.
I sighed.

“Do we have any sugar left?”

“Ayup. But aren’t you sweet enough?”

I rolled my eyes at him.
“You’re an ass-kisser, Gus.”

“I try, darlin’.
I try.” He was busy taking the quick-cooking oats off of the fire. “I can never make this crap as good as Emilie does.”

“I’m sure it’s fine.”

I watched as he carried the pot to our small table. He scooped some into a small camp-style bowl and sprinkled some sugar on top. “Raisins?” he asked me.

“Sure.
Thanks.”

“Walnuts?”

“Sure.” I knew if I said no he’d go on and on about me needing the protein.

He walked over to the log, straddled it to face me, and kept a hold on the bowl as he sat.
He scooped a spoonful and held it up in front of my face. I reached for the spoon, but got scolded.

“Open.”

I looked at him funny, but opened my mouth and let him feed me.

“I can feed myself, Gus,” I said with my mouth half full.

“I know, but humor me?”

I had thought Gus was a little odd before, but this cut the cake.

He held another spoon up to me, and I opened my mouth again. I could feel my heart racing a bit, and there was an electric charge in the air between us. His eyes were focused on me. We didn’t talk again until the oatmeal was gone.

“Good girl,” he whispered, followed by a wink.
He leaned forward and gave me a brief kiss on the cheek.

I could feel my face warm.
“Looks like it might rain today,” I said.

“Ayup.”

“I hope Jane and Abbey stay dry. I’d hate for them to get sick.”

“Susan will take care of them.
Stop worrying, Zoe.”

“Let’s go fishing before it pours?”
As I said the words, rain began to fall.

Gus looked up to the sky and smiled.
“Looks like we’ll need to hold off for a bit.”

I sighed.

“C’mon, Zoe, let’s get you into the shelter.” He stood and held his hand out to me. I looked at it for a moment before placing my hand in his. Once I did, my body went slightly numb from the unexpected physical contact. He gently guided me up. The rain picked up suddenly. “C’mon, girl, quick,” he urged. The fire behind us began to smoke from the sudden downpour. We half-ran to the refuge of the two old stone walls and strung-up tarp.

“I’m sick of this weather,” I grumbled as I ducked under the tarp and into our makeshift home.

“Take your shirt off, darlin’.”

I looked at Gus and laughed.

“You’re soaked,” he added in a serious tone.

Looking down at myself, I could see that my tank top was indeed drenched from rain water.
“Gus, I’m not wearing anything underneath.”

He snickered at me.
“Well I could tell that when you were still dry! C’mon, let’s get you dried off.”

My cheeks burned in embarrassment.
I stepped forward to playfully smack him on his arm. He caught me by the arms and pulled me close. We stood there, facing each other, for a long moment. Our eyes were locked in quiet understanding. All I could hear was the patter of the rain on the plastic tarp above our heads, and heavy breathing from both of us.

He let go of my arms, but I remained where I stood - very close to him.
I could feel his body heat radiating toward me.

“You’re shivering,” he whispered.

I nodded lightly. “Yeah.”

He reached down to my tank top hem and gently pulled it upward.
“Lift your arms,” he said quietly, still looking me in the eyes.

I obediently raised my arms above my head and allowed him to remove the wet shirt.

He moaned quietly, closing his eyes for a moment.

My heart was pounding.
My stomach was tingling deep down, longing for his touch. Opening his eyes again, he brought his gaze to my bared breasts.

“You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, Zoe,” he said just above a whisper.
I felt his arm wrap around my back, pulling me closer. I was reminded of the first time we kissed, in the abandoned house where Boggs had hit me.

“Open your eyes, Zoe,” he whispered.
I hadn’t been aware that I had closed them. “Just you and me right now, like before, ok?” It was what he had said to me by the river the first time we had made love, betraying both of our lovers.

I rested my forehead and hands against his chest and nodded into him.
“Just you and me,” I whispered. I looked up into his eyes and became lost in them as he kissed me passionately on the lips. Our passion grew as his groin pressed into me, longingly. Eventually the kiss ended, but he stayed close to me, holding me tight. I could tell that he was torn internally.

He leaned over and kissed my cheek softly, gently.
“You know we can’t do this, right?”

Again, I nodded into him.

“As badly as I want to, Zoe, I know it’d kill Emilie. Boggs too.”

“I know.”
I felt on the verge of tears.

“Ok, let’s get you warmed up.”
His voice was low and soothing. He took a step away from me, the distance becoming excruciating. “You can wear one of my shirts.”

He let go of me, and I could see sorrow on his face, mixed with longing.
It was painful to see. We looked at each other for a moment before he turned away and sorted through his meager clothing supply and tossed a t-shirt over to me.

“Thanks.”

“You ok, Zoe?”

“
Yeah.” I forced a smile. I slipped my skirt off, since it was also wet. The t-shirt hung down nearly to my knees. “Want to play cards until the rain clears?”

“Sure.
I’ll grab them.”

We settled in on Susan and Nathan’s air mattress, since it was farthest from the outer edge of the shelter, facing each other with a respectable distance between us.
Rain pattered on the tarp over our heads and the air felt heavy with humidity.

“Gus?”

“Hmm?”

“What were your kid’s names?”

He looked up at me, his eyes somewhat blank. “Wasn't expecting that question.”

“Sorry,” I mumbled, feeling a bit embarrassed by my rudeness.
“I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, no, it’s ok.
My kids are Annabelle and Justin. We had a third, Constance, but she died when she was just ten days old.”

“I’m sorry.”
I wasn't sure what else to say.

“I think Connie’s passing sent my ex-wife over the edge.
She was never the same after that.”

“When was the last time you saw them?”

He took a deep breath and started shuffling the cards. He had taken his damp shirt off and was sitting bare-chested. I tried not to admire his physique. “Let’s see. Anna-bee was five, and Justin was three. My wife and the bastard she was messing around with took off with them. I was enlisted at the time and had to ship out. There wasn't really anything I could do. When my term was up, she’d left the state with them.”

“Did you try to find them?”

“I did. For several years. I heard from my ex, Sarah, once. Spoke to the kids on the phone. I got one piece of mail. A drawing from Anna. I was never able to pick up their trail. But I never stopped trying.”

“Do you hope they’re still alive?”
As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized how stupid they were.

“If they are, I hope they’re safe.
I know I’ll never see them again, Zoe. I just pray they went quick, if they’re gone.”

“I’m so sorry, Gus.”
I reached over and placed my hand on his.

He hung his head.
“We’ve all lost a lot. Let’s just focus on not losing each other now, ok?”

I nodded.
“Sounds like the rain’s getting heavier.”     

He started dealing the cards.
“Thirty-one ok with you?”

“Yup.
That way I can beat you.” I smiled at him challengingly.

“We’ll see about that.”
He kept his voice void of emotion, his own method of challenging me.

We sat and played cards for hours, alternating between go-fish, thirty-one, and black jack.
We talked about our old hopes and dreams, our fears, our families when we were growing up, and I got to hear an earful of Gus’ corny jokes. It was nice to spend a morning as just friends. Those moments alone with him brought the realization that we’d be being friends and not lovers. The rain began to lighten around noon. We got into dry clothes. I borrowed a pair of sweat pants from Boggs, since Susan and Em’s were too small for me now. I finished my outfit off with a flannel button-up shirt. These were my favorites, helping to conceal my growing belly. Once the rain had stopped, we ventured back out to the campsite. The fire had died down and was smoldering gently.

“Ready to fish?” I asked.
I was feeling better than I had in days and was actually looking forward to the activity.

“Ready as ever, darlin’.
Let’s go catch ‘em.”

“If you grab the poles I’ll bring some drinking water,” I offered.

“You got a deal.”

The walk to the shore was brief, lasting only about ten minutes.
The sun was peeking out from the clouds and the air was refreshing. There were some small birds twittering from nearby trees. Spring felt like it was just around the corner and trying to say hello. After a quick descent down a gradual rocky slope, we settled in on some driftwood logs. Little sand fleas were hopping about, obviously rejoicing in the sunshine. A mixture of seaweed and sea grass littered the small beach as the tide was coming in. I inhaled the salty air, letting it fill my lungs and give me a renewed sense of energy. I had set the bottles of water beside me and watched Gus as he arranged first his rifle and then the fishing poles. A group of three bald-headed eagles were circling high overhead, likely planning to catch some fish, just as we were.

“It’ll be their mating season soon,” said Gus as he watched the birds gliding in circle.
“They’re really gorgeous.”

“They scare me,” I said.
“Have you ever seen one up close? They have huge beaks and claws.”

“
Yeah,” he replied. “But they’re gorgeous. Kings and queens of the sky.”

“Scary,” was all I said.
Gus chuckled under his breath.

I watched the water glistening in the sun as Gus rigged the lines.
I was secretly hoping for some whitefish for dinner. I noticed some crabs on the beach scuttling about. I wondered how hard they might be to grab in the open.

“Gus?”

“Huh?”

“Think the crabs are safe to eat?”

“I imagine so, why?”