Dark Heart Forever (16 page)

‘Well, that’s good.’ Mum let go of my hand and started gathering up pens and books. ‘Drama is not good. Believe me.’

She set her lips and I wondered what drama she had let go of.

‘Mum, have you still got that blue dress?’

‘Blue dress?’ She stopped what she was doing. ‘I don’t think I …’

‘The one you’re wearing in the picture. On my chest of drawers … It’s satin or something like that.’

Mum thought for a second then her face softened. ‘Oh. That dress.’ She relaxed in her seat. ‘I haven’t thought about that for years. Your grandmother made me that dress.’

‘Grandma Ellen?’ I sat up.

‘She made it when she was recovering …’ Mum said wistfully. ‘You remember she had breast cancer when she was in her fifties.’

I nodded. Grandma Ellen had made a full recovery before I was born. Still alive and very much kicking, albeit hundreds of miles away.

‘I wish she’d make a dress like that for me,’ I said, staring into space.

‘And so the day has come!’ Mum clapped her hands together. ‘My little boy finally wants to be a girl.’

‘Mum!’ A flush was creeping up my cheeks. ‘It’s just a beautiful dress, that’s all.’

‘It’s yours,’ she said, happily. ‘If I can find it … and if it fits you.’

‘Really?’

‘Let’s go and look for it now.’ Mum got up, shooing away the dog, who looked curiously at the two of us. ‘It’s somewhere up there. It must be.’

An hour later, I stood in my parents’ bedroom holding the blue satin dress. We’d found it in the attic in a huge suitcase, along with the rest of Mum’s discarded clothing from decades ago.

‘Can I have this, too?’ I’d said, clutching a striped sailor top, perfectly faded with a wide boat neck.

‘Of course,’ she said, smiling. ‘I never took that off when I was a teenager. Your grandma used to beg me to wear a dress …’ She stopped and we stared at each other and started to laugh.

‘I know,’ Mum said, shaking her head sheepishly. ‘I was just like you once.’

‘Here,’ she said now as I stood half naked in her bedroom. She took the dress from me, holding it so that I could step into it. ‘Pull it up gently.’

I did as I was told, slipping my arms through the delicate sleeves. Mum moved behind me to zip it up. I was holding in my stomach, certain that something so exquisite and tiny would be too small, but as Mum stepped away from me I realised it fitted perfectly. I looked down to see the blue satin shimmering like two-tone, hugging my waist and hips comfortably. Now that I had actual breasts the top filled out, leaving just enough room to make it sophisticated. The neckline ran straight from one shoulder to the other, dipping a little lower in the centre.

Mum fiddled with something at the back, then put her hands on my shoulders, pushing me towards the mirror.

‘Look,’ she ordered, and I raised my head to examine my reflection, opening my mouth slightly at what I saw.

‘God,’ I said breathily, ‘I don’t look like me.’

With nothing covering up my neck and shoulders my hair draped in big dark curls on to my bare flesh, which was pale, but I had to admit, flawless. And for the first time I acknowledged my shape properly. It was a woman’s shape, not straight up and down, not skinny, but not fat either.

‘You’re perfectly in proportion,’ she said, adjusting the neckline a little. ‘My beautiful girl.’

‘I wouldn’t go that far,’ I said awkwardly, though it was hard not to gaze admiringly at the vision in the mirror. ‘But I could scrub up well, I suppose.’

I saw my mother roll her eyes behind me. ‘You’ll have to get that boyfriend of yours to take you somewhere where you can show it off.’

I looked back at my reflection and smiled. ‘I’m sure something will come up.’

‘I’ll have it cleaned,’ said Mum, brushing at the fabric. ‘I just hope you don’t grow any more before you get the chance to wear it.’

Suddenly I felt a jerk of excitement at arriving at the Great Ball in this wonderful dress. It transformed me, even I could see that.

I pulled the notebook out again in the afternoon, finding the right page, and turned to lie on my stomach on my bed. The middle of the book was covered with more drawings. She’d sketched the interior of a house. A large room with ornate lights hanging down and a man and a woman wearing what looked like bathrobes. The floor of the room was chequered black and white. On a table were glasses and a large jug or vase. A girl lay curled up on a couch; she had long hair. Her clothes were nondescript, but she wore trousers and a shirt.

I flipped forward a few pages and found a very short entry.

Bitterly cold. Always so cold here. My mother says we are going to move. Now that she’s getting better, she wants to live somewhere warmer. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything any more. You are gone. And my choice seems clearer than ever.

I frowned. Luca had said there was no happy ending to this. There was nothing to stop me reading through to the end of the book, but I didn’t want to. In a strange kind of way I needed to hang on to each entry. It made me feel closer to Luca. I had a feeling that once I had read everything and finished the book then he might fade away.

I got off the bed and put the book away in my drawer, burying it beneath my underwear, where it couldn’t be found, and then paused to look out of the window.

The trees were looking a little greener now. Spring was on its way.

I turned to see the Breton striped top on my chair. I slipped it on over my T-shirt and gave myself a quick inspection in the mirror. It was cute and it smelled of my mother.

Feeling in a good mood, I decided to take Bobby for a walk into town.

Downstairs, I flipped through my address book to find Evan’s number, and after dialling the number I waited, excited at the thought of a spontaneous meeting.

‘Hey.’ The familiar girl’s voice on the end of the phone startled me. So much so that I was speechless for a second or two.

‘Hello?’ Sarah’s tone was back to its insolent drawl. ‘Anybody there?’

I cleared my throat. ‘Um … It’s Jane.’

‘Oh hi.’ Just like that, the petulance turned to something much more syrupy sweet. ‘How are you, Jane?’

‘Fine.’ I hesitated. I had nothing to say to her. ‘Is Evan there?’

‘Hold on a minute, babe, I’ll go and find him.’

Babe?

Heavy footsteps got louder and I heard his breathing. I adjusted my own, which was all out of sync.

‘Hey, Jane, I was just about to call you,’ said Evan. ‘You ran off yesterday before I had a chance to make plans with you.’

‘Oh,’ I said, coyly, pleased. ‘I didn’t exactly run off.’

He laughed, a slow affectionate laugh, making my insides somersault. ‘Good. Want to do something now?’

‘I was thinking of taking the dog for a walk. I thought, you know, we could hook up?’

‘Want me to come up the hill?’

‘It’s a mountain. But no … I thought I’d take him down to town. He likes the chance to mingle with other dogs from time to time.’

‘Does he indeed?’ Evan teased. ‘Do you think he’d mind a pitstop at my favourite café?’

‘He loves Eileen.’ I smiled. ‘She spoils him with leftover burgers. Shall we meet there in, say, half an hour?’

‘I can’t wait,’ said Evan.

It was finally warm enough to wear my jacket loose, with just my new-old striped top on underneath it, as Bobby and I made our way down the track and over on to the rugged path leading to Bale. I breathed in deeply, remembering how spring can make you feel so exhilarated when it appears out of nowhere. A few degrees higher in temperature and everything changes. I lifted my face up to the sun and felt my heart lifting too. I was glad I was meeting Evan. He was right, I had rushed off. I’d got things out of proportion. Whatever her reasons, wasn’t it good that Sarah Emerson was trying to make amends?

Bobby scampered ahead and I picked up my pace to catch him before he ran into the road.

‘Bobs!’ I jangled the lead to entice him back. Unsurprisingly he wasn’t tempted but stood obediently, waiting for me to catch him up. I slipped the lead on him, pausing to give him a rub.

‘I’m happy, Bobby,’ I whispered into his silky head.

Bobby cocked his head to one side, bemused, and I ran a finger over his soft ear.

‘Right then,’ I told him. ‘You want one of Eileen’s special horizontal milkshakes?’

Bobby gave an enthusiastic bark and I stood and tugged his lead.

‘Let’s run,’ I said, lengthening my strides. ‘All the way there.’

By the time we reached Bale’s main street I was out of breath and way too hot, so I slowed. I had to compose myself before I saw Evan. I stopped and put my hands on my knees, gradually recovering my breath, before straightening up and taking off my jacket, running my hands through my hair to calm it down.

‘OK.’ I puffed my cheeks. ‘I think I’m ready.’ I pulled the dog along the pavement and when we reached Fabio’s, I stood slightly on tiptoe, peering over Eileen’s net curtain.

He was in there, perched on a counter stool as usual. And next to him, swinging from side to side on her seat, tossing her silly blonde mane around, was Sarah.

I dropped back on to my feet, my breath coming quickly now.

He brought her? Why?

Bobby whined, confused as I remained standing on the spot. I looked down at him as though he would provide some remedy to the situation.

‘Shut
up
!’ I heard her say; loud, confident.

‘Seriously.’ Evan’s voice, more gregarious than usual. ‘They’re vicious animals. They’re not cute.’

In spite of myself I raised my head again to look at them. Evan had his hand on her shoulder, rubbing it as he talked. His face was animated and his free hand thumped the counter.

‘They are! Koala bears are cute!’ she protested.

Was she even wearing a skirt? All I could glimpse was acres of black leg.

‘They bite,’ he said, lunging at her as though to nip her cheek with his teeth.

I was suddenly freezing cold. I shivered, touching the top of Bobby’s head with my palm.

And I felt nauseous.

‘Behave yourself, you,’ I heard him say. ‘Jane will be here any minute.’

I couldn’t hear what Sarah said in response. I tipped my head against the glass, but all I heard was a rushing sound in my ears.

I stayed there though. Tired all of a sudden. And humiliated.

Sarah had spoiled everything. Or was it Evan?

Then I looked down at Bobby, who was cold too I could tell. He looked back up at me. ‘Come on, boy,’ I said quietly. ‘Let’s go home.’

Keeping my head down I put my jacket back on, hugging it to me, as the dog shuffled alongside me in apparent sympathy.

The walk back was slow, and the clouds had gathered. The sun had gone in.

Oh boy, had the sun gone in.

When we finally got back to the track, I released Bobby and watched him fly up to the house. Watched as Dot appeared out of the back door, home from her sleepover and come forward to cuddle him. Spotting me, she waved, smiling, and I lifted a hand limply in return.

I couldn’t face anyone right now. I knew where I wanted to be.

Dad’s bench was covered with bits of branch and leaves. I brushed some aside and sank back, lifting up my legs and crossing them underneath me. I closed my eyes and felt a kind of damp, flat feeling in my heart. A familiar feeling I hadn’t had for weeks. Ever since … since I had met Luca, I realised.

‘I wish I could see you,’ I said aloud, keeping my eyes shut. Where was he? Why had he just … left me?

A crunch, the sound of boots on leaves, made my eyes snap open.

‘And here I am,’ he said. Softly, sorrowfully.

I turned my head slowly to look at him. There was no mistaking the sinking of my heart.

‘I ran all the way,’ said Evan, clearing a space on the bench to sit next to me. ‘What happened? One minute I saw you outside Fabio’s. The next you’d disappeared.’

I didn’t speak at first. I didn’t trust myself not to unleash a rant. But Evan was waiting, oblivious to my pointed silence.

‘Jane?’ He rubbed my shoulder but I shrugged him off rudely.

‘Leave me alone,’ I said, before he was settled. ‘You’ve ruined everything. You and your sister.’

‘Will you let me explain?’ he said cautiously.

I stared at him, shaking my head.

‘Why?’ I frowned. ‘Why did you invite her along? I said I forgave her. It doesn’t mean I want anything to do with her.’

‘She invited herself along …’ he said calmly. ‘She’s pretty forceful when she puts her mind to it.’

I remembered how he’d looked with her. Relaxed, playful. And his words: ‘
Jane will be here soon
.’

‘You like her,’ I said, turning my face away from him. ‘And that’s OK. She’s much more your kind of person. Insensitive. Shallow.’

‘Jane.’ His voice rose a notch. ‘You don’t mean that. You know we’re special, you and I. You really think I’m shallow?’