Dark Kiss (The Two sides of me Book 1) (23 page)

“Sleep,” he says.

“Yes sir.”

He chuckles, “You’re finally getting it aren’t you beautiful?” Too tired to put up a fuss or think up a smart ass comment I snuggle in deeper and close my eyes…forgetting all about the sleeping pills and tranquilizers that used to help me sleep, now I have Evan to take me to that peaceful place instead.

Chapter 33

“Wash it All Away” by Evanescence

“Fear” by Sara McLaughlin

“Run” by Adam Lambert 

I have a decision to make; my love for Evan runs bone-deep and I’ve told myself I would walk to the ends of the earth over hot coals and do anything for him but I’m discovering that I have seriously underestimated the fears from my past. The peace I found in his arms last night was painfully temporary; the dreams crept back, saturating my essence within mere hours. Thankfully when I woke soaked in sweat, clutching the bed sheets, breath heaving from my lungs, he was not with me. Dealing with his own demons, he had given up on sleep and gone to his office. Evan was still in the dark about exactly how horrific my torture had been at the hands of those 3 men 10 years ago. I am too afraid to tell him; no man wants a woman so permanently damaged, once he knew, those images would be burned into his memory, and this could be over. Until I saw the video of that women so close to me while I slept, I had thought my wounds were healed and scarred over. But I was completely vulnerable, defenseless and unprotected in my bed, in what was supposed to be my own home, just innocently napping. Watching that video made something inside of me snap, self-preservation is buried deep in most people, but mine floats right on the surface.

I have to leave him, take myself out of this equation. I believe a person can only experience a certain amount of pain in their life, and I’ve had my share and then some, no more. I see many endings to this relationship; in the first, Evan learns the details of my attack and leaves me. In the second, this stalker hurts one of us and one leaves the other behind to suffer alone. Third, and most frightening, is Evan’s brain tumor brings him to his knees or even worse, returns him to his former self, a man I have no desire to meet.

None of these scenarios have an ending that I can live with. I feel trapped; there is no choice but to run. With all the security being stepped up, I figure a surprise escape is the only way to go. Evan kissed me earlier this morning when he left our bed, saying he would be in his office and to come get him for breakfast when I was up and around. After I shower and dress, careful not to draw any unnecessary attention to myself on the security cameras, I text my dad to meet me at an ice cream shop he used to take me to when I was little. He is the only person I can ask to help me and he wouldn’t require an explanation, he’d be there, no questions asked. It’s how my father operates and I couldn’t be more grateful for that right now. He replies with a simple “Ok” and I slip my phone in the back pocket of my jeans, a single car key hidden in my palm as I head toward the front door, praying my car still stands parked in the circle drive where it’s been since Evan had it delivered to the house. God I hope Evan’s office door will be closed, and that I can run fast enough from the door of the house to my car without security charging out to stop me. I have the element of surprise on my side, and the fact that Evan is on crutches doesn’t hurt either.

Cecelia is in the kitchen making our breakfast, “Hola señorita Mia, is Mr. Lawson joining you for breakfast?” she asks innocently, seeing me pass through the living room toward the front of the house.

“Uh..oh yes, I’m just on my way to his office to get him, is everything ready?” I ask as casually as I can force myself to sound, my voice cracks slightly, but she must not have noticed.

“Yes,” she answers me while she sets our places, thank God with no eye contact, I’m a terrible liar and I’m so nervous that she would know something was wrong, I’m sure of it. The front door is in my sight and I hold my breath until I realize his office doors are closed, enabling me to pass without him seeing me immediately. He’ll see me, I know that but I just need a few seconds…. Grabbing my opportunity, I break into a sprint and fly through the doors, gripping my car key as I press the unlock button repeatedly. Relieved to hear the familiar beep of the horn alerting me that my car is indeed still parked in the circle drive, I pick up the pace and dash toward it, ripping the door open and jumping inside. Doors locked, engine started, I’m pulling around the circle when the double doors to the house burst open. Evan stands on crutches on the threshold, visibly hurt and angry; our eyes lock for a slow motion moment through the passenger window of my car as I pass by him. So many things are exchanged between us in those few seconds; my fear, his confusion, my anxiety, his pain, my desperation, his realization and finally his understanding.

He knew I was going to run, he asked me not to after reading my mind last night, I had all but promised not to with my body, but my mind is the one in control now and it said GO! Speeding down the incredibly long driveway I expected the gates to be closed, and they’re moving but I’m faster. I slip through, seconds before it would have been too late. Two security guards that must have been handling the perimeter of the grounds run from either side of the gate waving their arms in the air yelling for me to stop, I watch them get smaller and smaller in my rear view mirror. 

I speed toward the main road that will take me far from threats of violence, pain or armed attackers but also away from the only man I’ve ever loved. I can’t know now that I will soon welcome all of those horrors with open arms in exchange for the pain I’d inflicted on myself by leaving Evan. No one follows me, I had expected them to, but surprisingly I make it to the ice cream shop with no tail in sight. Dad is there, I knew he would be, he gets out of his SUV and approaches my car, tapping gently on my window. I turn my tear-soaked face to the glass; I didn’t even realize I’ve been crying. He opened my door guiding me from my seat and enveloping me in his loving arms, comforting me without question as I sob into his shoulder. No words spoken, he lets me stand there and cry in the damp, misty Seattle morning until I’m shaking with cold and sadness. He helps me up into his passenger seat and we drive in silence to my childhood home. Heat fills the vehicle but not my body, without Evan it’s as if life has drained from me, the magnetism that drew us together has nowhere to pull me, the glow that lit my soul when he entered my life has been snuffed out, I feel dead inside. The pain following my attack was all encompassing, I was physically broken, spirit crushed, but this…. this is different. Back then I fought for my life, fought to get back some sense of normalcy, worked toward building a life for myself despite what had happened to me. Without Evan I shut down, he has unknowingly become my reason to live, the center of my universe, the other half of me, how am I going to rebuild after this…. how can I go on without my yellow light to guide me?

Dad walks me to the house; Mom isn’t home, thank God. She’s the polar opposite of my father, where he would let me come around on my own she’d have badgered me to death until I gave her an explanation, they both love me, but in very different ways. Inside I hear the familiar barks and rustling of animals from the extension on the back of the house. Dad has added space for his animal patients that he can’t or won’t leave at the office at night and on the weekends. He’s the most caring veterinarian, loving every animal he comes into contact with as if it were his own. Our own family pet, Red, an Irish Setter he rescued years ago lopes toward me and I drop to my knees wrapping my arms around my old friend. He sits patiently, resting his head on my shoulder while I stifle more tears. How do dogs know when you need comfort? If Red had arms I know he would be hugging me, and if he could talk I suspect he would have wise words to say, but as it is, Red is just the thing I need right now, silent support. He licks the tears from my cheeks when I pull away and I almost want to smile…but smiling is on a long list of things I won’t be doing ever again as far as I’m concerned. I stand and turn to my dad, who raises his eyebrows in question, but I’m not ready to talk and he can tell.

“Your mom won’t be home until later this afternoon, she’s got some project going on in your old room, but the guest room is available, if you need some time…” he says, nodding in the direction of the stairs. I hug him tight but briefly and walk up the stairs to the guest room with Red on my heels. Together we climb into bed, and I lay staring at the wall while Red curls up at my feet. Catatonic is the best way to describe me, and I welcome that state of mind; in fact, I’d be fine with staring at this beige wall until I take my last breath. What have I done? I’ve been running scared, letting fear lead me away from the very thing that was keeping me alive, making my heart beat, and now that I know he’s gone forever, instead of relief I have the absence of all feeling, numbness.

Chapter 34

“Come Home” by One Republic

“Won’t go Home Without You” by Maroon Five

Sleep, for most it’s the greatest escape but not for me. Only once did I come close to believing sleep could be the still, quiet, peaceful place it should be without sleeping pills and tranquilizers. Evan brought a calm to my very essence, now that he’s gone it’s as if my mind is torturing me a thousand fold. I couldn’t have been asleep long, Red stands on the bed alert, front paws spread, and I open my eyes realizing I’ve jumped off the bed while having a nightmare, in the middle of the afternoon. Fuck, now I can’t even take a nap!

“Hey boy…it’s ok…sorry if I scared you baby, I just had a bad dream,” I speak soothingly to Red and he calms, returning to his curled up position at the end of the bed, but he continues to eye me suspiciously as I sit cross legged on the bed next to him. I heave a big sigh and scratch between his ears. Suddenly I hear music coming from my pocket; my phone. I can’t even think about talking to anyone right now, but the ring tone has me confused, I don’t recognize it at all. Leaning forward I slide my phone from the back pocket of my jeans, checking the screen the name that flashes makes my heart race and an immediate lump form in my throat. I sit still as stone as hot tears flow straight down my cheeks. The ring tone Come Home by One Republic plays hauntingly…. he programed it in before I even left…he knew all along I’d run.

Unable to stand listening any longer, blinded by tears, I somehow press ignore and flop back onto the pillow. Before I can think another thought the phone starts again, a different ring tone though this time, unknown caller, Maroon 5 plays Won’t Go Home Without You. He must have another phone, God he could have a million different phones with a million different sad songs to torture me with, why…. Can’t he just leave me be?

If I press ignore will he dial from another phone? Probably. I’m not ready to talk though, one word from him right now and I’d be back in my car headed to his house. I hold the power button and watch as the glowing screen disappears. He’s hurting, I’m hurting, and this is insanity. The battle between my love for him and my intense need to keep myself safe is going to be the death of both of us. And he’s really doing a number on me with these ring tones; I’ll never be able to turn on my phone again. What if that’s not the end of it, would he try to find me? I’ll have to go to work eventually, and he knows my schedule, he helped make it after all. Shit, I didn’t really think this through, spur of the moment decisions have never gone well for me. I hear the garage door lifting, alerting me to my mom’s arrival home. Great. I feel like shit and I would like nothing more than to be alone and hide under the covers for at least a week, but my mother would never let that happen. She’s a big part of the reason I made such a full recovery after my attack. A relentless mother with a positive attitude and eternal optimism was no match for any problem. Getting up and going to the ensuite, I wash my pathetic, swollen eyes and brace myself for the attack. But she doesn’t come; could it have been someone else coming home? No, no one else would come in through the garage. Waiting for the onslaught was too much, I’d rather just go down stairs and face the music. It was her;, she’s bustling around the kitchen putting away groceries. Red is on my heels, probably needing to go out, and dad leans against the counter watching mom with adoration. Divorce was a problem many of my friends had had to deal with but not me; I was blessed with parents who madly loved each other.

“Ah there’s my girl, have a good nap?”

“Yea.”

“Hi baby, it’s been way to long.” Mom puts down the can of green beans and hugs me, holding me back at arms’ length to get a good look at me. “You look terrible.” Brutal honesty, yep that’s my mom.

“Thanks, I’ve been better.” Pursed lips and furrowed brow, my mom continues to hold me by the shoulders, she’s thinking, oh God what is she thinking? She releases me from her gaze momentarily to glance at dad and then back to me, what’s going on here, she’s hiding something.

“Honey…um...we have to confess something.”

“Confess? What?” Now I’m really confused. She drops her arms and dad coughs nervously, I’m officially freaking out, nothing makes my dad nervous.

“Sweetie we um…we know about Evan…and your situation.” What the fuck? Did I say that out loud? No...good...I never swear around my parents and I’d hate to start with “fuck”.

“Don’t be upset princess, I thought you needed some time to process everything, your mom wanted to attack you this morning but I sent her on errands to occupy her for a while after you texted me.”

My mom shoves his shoulder, “I wasn’t going to attack her!”

“Yea right, you wanted to go get her last night when Evan called.”

“What? When Evan called…. you…you talked to him?”

They look at each other and then back to me, mom nodding a confirmation.

“Why?” Dad takes my arm and leads me to the kitchen table and into a chair, which is a good thing because I think I’m in shock.

“He anticipated that you may leave and he thought you would come here.” My dad explains.

“He…did?” Here come the waterworks again, I can’t believe this. How did he know I was going to run when I hadn’t even decided myself? Because he was part of me, literally my other half.

“Oh honey, he really loves you, he was so worried, I’ve never even met him but it was easy to know how deep his feelings are for you.” I have no idea what to say and it really didn’t matter anyway because I’m currently a blubbering mess, sobbing into my hands and covering my face. Arms circle me and I breath in my mother’s familiar scent of coffee and fabric softener, so comforting and familiar. Squeezing the tears from my eyes, I peal myself from my mother’s arms, sit up straight and look her directly in the eyes.

“Do you love him?” she asks, she knows the answer but she’s making me say it out loud so I will know it too. “

Yes.” I whisper.. “So much it scares me.”

“I know baby, you’re strong though. I don’t have to tell you that, you’re a survivor. A survivor of the worst kind of experience.” She holds my cheek in the palm of her hand as she speaks to me. These two people sitting at this table know all too well the hell I’ve been through. They were with me for every miserable step of my recovery, psychologically, physically and emotionally. All the years of therapy, hiding away from the world, hang-ups, side effects and obsessive behavior, they pushed, encouraged and loved me through it all.

“We know you’re scared, honey, not just of the love you have for him, but Evan told us about the intruder that was in his house. I can’t imagine how it made you feel to watch that video, to have that vulnerable feeling return to your life.” I pop to my feet and begin to pace the kitchen.

“Mom. I don’t think whoever she was intended to hurt me, but if not me then she had to be there for Evan. He has enemies, he was a different man before his car accident, and I have no idea who could be after him. I just couldn’t…I couldn’t stay there and wait…for something to happen to him, or me, by mistake. Whatever is going on there, I just couldn’t be a part of it, it’s just too much!” I throw my arms around while I explain myself and continue to pace back and forth.

“Ok, ok, now, let’s just settle down here a little, you’re scaring Red for heaven’s sake.” Dad was famous for using any nearby animals as an excuse to make a point. Rolling my bloodshot eyes, I return to my chair at the table. “So what am I supposed to do?”

“Would you like to know what Evan thinks is best for you?” my mom answers, raising her eyebrows to emphasize the question.

“He told you what’s best for me? Of course he did…. that just figures.” I love him but what kind of man calls the parents of his girlfriend, whom he has never met, and tells them what’s best for their daughter?  And what kinds of parents listen to that crap? Only Evan would have the audacity to do that, and do it with charm and charisma effective enough to affect my parents. They’re on his side, how could they betray me like this? “We aren’t saying we agree with him honey, it’s just…he was very convincing, I’ve never heard a man speak about a women with more love and reverence then he did about you.” This was my dad talking? He was always on my side, my team, and my advocate. “Ok, if he’s so smart and wise what did he have to say?” I snap. Red comes to the table and puts his head on my knee, looking up at me with eyes that begged for calm, I’m upsetting the poor dog, dad’s right. I ruffle his fur and kiss him on the head. “Sorry Red,” I murmur.

“He actually recommended you stay here for a few days, said your mom and I were the only people that would understand what you needed right now.” Wow…I wasn’t expecting that. I figured he would have said “shove her in a cab, lock her in and send her back to me”.

“He has a guard watching the house already, he thought you might feel better knowing the house was being monitored. Not that he believes anyone is after you, the guard is more for your peace of mind than anything really,” Mom rushes on, trying to convince me before I object. “He told us about you moving in with him and that the party this weekend was an announcement of sorts. He would like to go on with the get together, maybe making it more of just a dinner party. He asked us to re-invite you, as a guest…. but he would prefer you as a hostess of course…..” Of course. If my own parents, who watched the aftermath of my torture unfold in front of their eyes couldn’t understand that I was too scared to be in that house after what happened how could Evan?

“I can’t. I can’t go back. I can’t see him. I can’t be in that house. I can’t lose him. I can’t risk being attacked!” Scrambling for control, my mind claws at the closed door of sanity, finding it locked tight. I’m going to lose control and end up in a loony bin if I can’t get a grip! Deep breaths, in and out, in and out. Maybe I should stuff my head between my legs like I do when I’m going to faint?

“Mia!” Dad startles me by yelling my name; he never raises his voice. “It’s going to be ok, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Stay here as long as you need, go to the party, don’t go to the party, go back to work, whatever, you know we’ll always support you.” Finally, information I can process, stay here, work, and be supported. Breathe in, breathe out. Hey it’s a start, my heartbeat slows and I feel myself regaining control. Thank God for my dad.

“Ok, I’ll stay here, no party, no Evan and I go back to work next week.”

“Oh honey…” Mom sighs with obvious disappointment. Evan must have made some impression on her.

“Mom, that’s what I need, if you can’t understand I’ll just go home.”

“No, no…stay here, I won’t say another word about it, promise,” she assures me.

“Thank you.”

Dad reaches out to squeeze my hand. “But I insist on the security guard, at least until that woman is caught.”

“Chanelle!”

“No Nicholas, I won’t have her running around unprotected, she needs security!”

“It’s ok Dad, the guard can stay, if I send him away it’ll only encourage Evan to pursue me harder, just let him have his way on this one.” So my new life plan has been set into motion at my parent’s kitchen table that day in late October. The next few weeks my life falls into a routine of working and secluding myself in the guest room at my parent’s house. I can fake emotion at work with my patients, co-workers and even my parents, but only for a limited period of time. Then I retreat back into the dark, numb place that is my life without Evan. In a very distant part of my mind, I think that the emptiness will go away with time, I’ll return to my old self eventually, after purging Evan from my heart. The longer I go without him though, the less I feel anything. It begins with a horrible period of immeasurable pain and heartache, and then anger about the way things turned out. And now…nothing…that is better than the pain and anger but how can I build a new life, a future with absolutely nothing left to give? I’m floating from one day to the next; making no progress and my parents began to worry more, suggesting I return to my old therapist. I consider that for a second but really, it’s too much effort; I just don’t care anymore, about anything or anyone. The only accomplishment I see in my future is to trudge through all the days between now and death. That’s it, I just have to get there and pray it will be better in another place, another existence, please God, don’t let this follow me past this world…. please.