Dark Moonlighting (19 page)

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Authors: Scott Haworth

Tags: #vampires, #vampire, #humor, #satire, #werewolf, #werewolves, #popular culture, #dracula, #vampire virus

BOOK: Dark Moonlighting
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“Counselor,” a familiar voice addressed me
from the other end of the hallway. “Hold on. I’ll get the shades
for you.”

I looked up to find one of the bailiffs, who
was a familiar face around the courthouse. He rushed to the first
window and pulled the drawstring, which was on his side of the
window rather than mine. He lowered the shades on the other two
windows before approaching me with an apologetic expression.

“I’m sorry about that, sir,” the bailiff said
to me. He had to jog to keep up with me as I had bolted down the
hallway as soon as the barrier of light had been removed. “I didn’t
know you were coming in today.”

“Not a problem,” I said with a dismissive
wave of my hand. “I didn’t know I was coming in today either or I
would have called ahead.”

“I don’t know why they opened the windows up
again anyway,” the bailiff said in annoyance. “That other albino
woman came in through the parking garage too. They would have just
had to close them again when she’s done. Anywho, I’m in the next
courtroom down today. Feel free to come find me if those dumbasses
open the shades again before you leave.”

“Thanks, Chris,” I said with a nod.

I yanked open the door and entered the
courtroom without waiting for the bailiff to depart. I was only two
steps inside when I remember that the man’s name was not Chris.
Chris was one of the other bailiffs, and the man who had just
helped me was named… John? They were both nice men and, like the
nurses in the hospital, I kicked myself for not being able to keep
them straight. It was a personal flaw that I could never be
bothered with the names of the minor characters… in my life. I felt
bad for the faux pas, but had no time to dwell on it.

“Nick (Asshole)!” Caleb Hass shouted as I
approached the defense table. “I’m surprised to see you here (What
the hell are you doing here?),”

“I understand that you’re questioning a woman
today with the same rare form of albinism that I have?” I asked. I
continued after receiving a suspicious nod from Caleb, “What’s her
name?”

“Kourtney Williamson (Kourtney Williamson),”
Caleb answered. “She took the stand for an hour yesterday before we
adjourned for the day (I was pissed that you didn’t return my phone
calls, but now I’m just curious as to why you ran in here out of
breath and stinking like sex). I’m continuing the questioning today
(And don’t think I’m not mad that you’re banging the pretty girl I
hired).”

The other female vampire I had run into had
been named Kim. If she was anything like me though, she could have
had a number of different alias. “What color is her hair,” I
demanded.

“She’s blond, medium height… her skin’s not
great because of the lack of sun, but she more than makes up for it
with her perky little— (I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating
crackers… she’s pale, but I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on her
perky little—),”

“Would you mind if I sat second chair for
this one?” I interrupted.

Caleb looked at me as if I had just asked to
sit on his lap. “You don’t know anything about the trial (What are
you kidding? Of course you can’t sit second chair. Besides, you
smell like sin),” he said. “I just don’t see— (Go away—),”

“I know albinos,” I said, desperately trying
to convince him. “I think I can help you get her to confess.”

“Well, if you feel that strongly about it,
have a seat (I have no idea what physiological abnormalities you
people could have that would help get a confession out of this
woman. Regardless, I’m open to anything at this point. After all,
I’m trying to convince a jury that she’s a murderous vampire. It’s
been kind of a hard sell so far),” Caleb agreed.

Caleb’s client, having listened to the
conversation with great concern, scooted down to the seat to his
left. He eyed me suspiciously as I sat in his recently vacated
chair before saying, “I don’t have to pay for you too, do I?
Because that hardly seems fair given that you know nothing about
the case.”

“I’m pro bono,” I assured him.

The client seemed distressed despite my
agreement to waive my retainer. He looked me over thoroughly,
focusing not on my facial deformities like most people would have,
but rather at all my exposed skin. I could hardly blame him for
being suspicious. According to his story, the last person he saw
with my abnormally pale skin color had eaten his wife. Luckily
Judge Yoest entered the courtroom before he could ask any of the
obvious questions that were on his mind.

Although she was clearly puzzled by my
presence, Judge Yoest went through the normal courtroom proceedings
dispassionately. The trial resumed and Kourtney the albino was
called to the stand. She glanced at me as she walked to the front
of the courtroom, but she gave no indication that she knew who I
was. She was indeed blond, and she was not the woman I had run down
with my car. However, there was no doubt in my mind that she was
another vampire. I had no mystical ability to sense other vampires,
but the way Kourtney carried herself made it obvious. I was most
disturbed by the fact that she was using my fake albino cover
story. That alone made it obvious that she was one of the followers
of the master who Kim the vampire had mentioned. They were playing
with me and it was time to get some answers.

Before I could question the witness, I had to
sit through Caleb’s attempt to force a confession out of her. He
was out of practice, but he was still an excellent defense
attorney. He asked direct questions, tried to plant doubt in the
jurors’ minds and even managed to get Kourtney to slip up a few
times. I could tell from observing the jury that it was all for
nothing. Jurors are notoriously stupid, but even they have their
limits. None of them would buy into the idea that the sickly
looking woman they saw on the stand was capable of biting through a
person’s flesh and drinking their blood.

“Did you murder Jennifer Monroe (Come on,
bitch. Stop making me look bad)?” Caleb finally asked in
desperation.

“No,” Kourtney answered flatly.

Caleb returned to his seat at the defense
table and leaned over to whisper in my ear. “Well, you’re up (Well,
I’m out of ideas).”

“Ms. Williamson,” I said as I rose from my
seat. I paused briefly as I figured out how I wanted to word the
question. “How long have you been in Starside?”

“About a year and a half,” Kourtney answered
as she stared me down.

“And do you… live alone?” I inquired.

Kourtney cleared her throat and shot me the
tiniest of smiles. She understood what I was really asking. “No. I
live with two other girls who are my age. We rent an apartment from
an… older gentleman.”

“I see,” I said. “These two other girls are
your sisters?” I guessed.

“Yes,” Kourtney responded. “And we’re also
all… students. We’re all studying the same subject.”

“I’m sure that must be fun. Do you enjoy your
apartment?” I asked.

“Very much so,” the vampire answered with a
sly smile. “Although we’re all concerned about the attention we’ve
been getting lately. Because of this trial, of course. The older
gentleman we rent from owns several other buildings in Starside.
We’ll be moving into one of those very, very soon. We wouldn’t want
anyone to come looking for us, after all.”

I moved forward and leaned against the
witness stand. I tried to act calm, but my knuckles were white from
clutching onto the old wood. “This gentleman you rent from,” I
started. “What year was he…
born
?”

“Objection,” the lead prosecutor said as he
stood from his table. “I don’t see how this line of questioning is
at all relevant.”

The prosecutor’s interruption was a
distraction for everyone else in the court that Kourtney ignored.
While he was talking she took the opportunity to whisper to me,
“1973.”

“Withdrawn,” I said after the prosecutor’s
complaint. “No further questions, Your Honor.”

I walked back to the defense table and
received puzzled looks from Caleb Hass and our client. The
questions I had asked Kourtney had been for my benefit, and they
had nothing to do with the trial. She had given me all the answers
I had wanted and it would have been impossible to ask more specific
questions without raising suspicion. It was unfortunate that our
client was going to be found guilty of a crime he did not commit,
but there was nothing I could do about that. Or, to be more
accurate, there was nothing I
would
do about that. I could
have exposed her as a vampire, but that would have meant exposing
myself in the process. As the old saying goes, I would rather let
1000 innocent men be imprisoned than reveal myself to be a
bloodthirsty monster and risk the wrath of an angry mob. I think
that is how the old saying goes anyway.

“That was interesting (Bang up job, moron),”
Caleb whispered to me as the prosecutor began his
cross-examination. “You really had her on the ropes there (I’m
confident the trial is lost. I’m still going to get my name in the
papers, but it’s going to be in a story about a dumbass lawyer who
tried to prove a fictional monster was responsible for murder. If I
turn into the laughing stock of this town, you can rest assured
that I’m going to make your life at the firm very unpleasant).”

“I could tell she wasn’t going to crack,” I
explained as I quietly backed my chair away from the defense table.
“I’ve gotta go.”

“Wasn’t going to crack? You didn’t even ask
her any real questions (Come back here you deformed albino freak, I
want to yell at you some more),” Caleb hissed at me.

I ignored my boss as I silently made my way
out of the courtroom. There was nothing to be gained by listening
to the rest of Kourtney’s testimony. Besides, I had bigger plans
for her. I guessed that the cross-examination would not last long,
so I knew I had to move quickly. I jogged through the deserted
hallways of the courthouse until I reached the cafeteria.

Given that it was still early in the morning,
there was only one other person in the cafeteria. The middle-aged
woman was reading a magazine as she leaned over the counter that
separated the dining area from the kitchen. She noticed me as I
entered, and she waved me over with a pleasant smile.

“I’m guessing you need some coffee,” the
woman said as she examined my wrinkly suit and disheveled hair.
“It’s a buck fifty for a large, kiddo.”

“Actually,” I began. I removed a napkin from
a dispenser and unfolded it on the counter. “This is going to sound
like a bizarre request, but do you have any garlic powder or garlic
salt? I need a few tablespoons worth.”

The woman repeated my request to make sure
she had heard me right. When I confirmed the order, she shrugged
her shoulders and retreated to the kitchen for a moment. She
returned with a bottle of garlic salt and set it on the counter. It
was half empty, and I was sure that some particles of garlic were
clinging to the side of the bottle.

“Would you mind pouring some out into this
napkin for me?” I asked awkwardly.

The woman, now truly puzzled, grabbed the
bottle of garlic salt and began pouring its contents into the
unfolded napkin. “That enough?” she questioned.

“Little more,” I said. “Perfect. That’s
enough, thanks. I would have done it myself, but I have really bad
carpal tunnel syndrome. How much do I owe you?”

“On the house,” the woman said, still
suspicious of the unusual request.

I gingerly folded the corners of the napkin
towards each other, very careful not to let any of the garlic salt
come into contact with my skin. I twisted the four corners together
so that I could carry the napkin in a ball. After nodding my thanks
to the cafeteria worker, I made my way back towards the parking
garage. I was happy to find that the shades on the windows I had to
pass by had not been reopened.

 

It was not difficult to find Kourtney’s car
in the parking garage. The ultraviolet radiation blocking glass it
used had a distinctive tint to it. I crouched by the driver’s side
door, waiting in silence while delicately holding the balled up
napkin. I only had to wait about fifteen minutes. As I expected,
she had been released from the witness stand shortly after I had
concluded my questioning.

She was fumbling with her keys when she
rounded the tail end of her car and approached the driver’s door.
Despite the darkness of the parking garage, her enhanced eyes
noticed me immediately. Kourtney dropped her car keys and braced
herself in anticipation of an attack. However, it was already too
late.

I cocked my hand back and launched the napkin
at her face. She jerked her head away from the projectile, but she
was too slow to prevent it from exploding across her cheek.
Kourtney screamed in pain as the bits of garlic peppered her face.
She threw her hands to cover herself and writhed in pain. It took
her a moment to think given the blistering rash that was breaking
out, but eventually she started scratching madly at the wounded
flesh. She knew the pain would not go away until she wiped the
terrible substance off. She stumbled backwards, wrapped her hands
under her blouse and used the fabric to remove the garlic salt from
her face. Her cries of agony subsided as she stood in the middle of
the parking lot with her blouse above her head.

“Now I know what he sees in you,” I laughed
as I examined her bare chest. “You know, most people consider
testifying at an open trial to be a formal occasion. Societal norms
dictate that you wear a bra to it.”

Kourtney, confident that she had removed all
the garlic from her skin, lowered the blouse and tried to grin. It
turned into more of a grimace as she wiped the tears from her eyes
with the back of her arm. “I never really gave a shit about human
modesty, even when I was one,” she explained. “Flaunting these
puppies is what got his attention in the first place,” she said as
she motioned towards her cleavage. “Just think, if he had been an
ass man I’d be an ugly older woman right now instead of a young,
sexy vampire. Funny how the world works, huh?”

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