Dark Secrets (23 page)

“
Time, Ara.” He
hugged me close again. “Time is all that can heal.”

“
But I get so angry.
Sometimes I really think I’m okay, and then I get so angry at
myself. I hate myself for making that phone call—for going out that
night. I just—sometimes the anger is so much stronger than the
grief.”

“
What are you angry
about, Ara—just that you called her?”

I shook my head. “So
many things. I think the powerlessness, you know, the feeling like
I had no control, and that it was
my
life. My goddamn life, but I was
a kid; just a kid who had to do as she was told.”

“
What are you talking
about?”

I bit my teeth
together, folding forward as the feelings I’d pushed down rose up
in me again, making everything tight in my core. “They took me
away; they came, and they leaned into that car and all they said
was
this one’s alive
. Then they took me away. They wouldn’t let me go; wouldn’t
let me find Harry. I was fine. I wasn’t hurt. Just glass and cuts,
but I was fine. If I could’ve—if they just let me look. I might’ve
found him.”

“
Did—did they ever
find him?”

I nodded. “They found
his seat on the side of the road. Harry wasn’t in it.”

He stiffened. “What
happened to him?”

“
They wouldn’t tell
me. But I heard a nurse say the cop was having counselling—the one
that found him.”

He clicked his tongue
and squeezed me tighter. “You shouldn’t have had to hear
that.”

“
I
know. And it made me so mad. I mean, I was over sixteen; legally
old enough to make my own medical decisions. Legally old enough to
be told what was going on. But they stuck me in that bed, drugged
up on who knows what—left alone until my dad arrived—from America.
They let
him
tell
me my mom was dead. They let
him
tell me I’d been horrifically scarred. And he
didn’t even say it. It was the way he looked at me, David. He
hadn’t seen me in nearly a year, and the first time he laid eyes on
me was when my face had been ripped apart. What do you think I saw
in him that morning?”

David’s throat
shifted. “I know. But you’re safe now.”

“
I don’t want to be
safe, though. I feel like I owe a debt.”

He tilted my face
upward with both hands. “A debt?”

“
I’m not stupid. Like
I said, I know it’s not my fault. I know it was an accident. But I
feel like they’re coming for me. Like I gave my family to them, and
now they want me.”

“
Who?”

“
I don’t know. The
other side—death. Karma, maybe. I don’t know.”

David’s teeth slid
slowly over each other as his jaw came forward and his eyes flicked
to the place of deep thoughts. “Do you—do you ever think of taking
those matters into your own hands?”

“
Mm-hm. Like, maybe I
could trade places. You know—offer myself in exchange. If I could
go back, maybe I could—”

“
Ara, my love, there
is no going back.” His hands tightened on my face. “We make
mistakes, we have regrets, but, sweetheart—” He opened and closed
his mouth a few times, his eyes searching my face for any words he
could say to make it all okay. “It was selfish of you to make her
come out and get you in the middle of the night, and it if it
weren’t for that, she would never have been there when that truck
tire blew out. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t her time to go. You
can’t control everything, Ara, and what matters is that, if you
were to go back, you’d do it differently.”

“
How is that possibly
any good to me—to know that?”

“
Because you learned
something. And if that’s all you can take from this, then it’s
better than walking away with only grief.”

I shook my head.
“Don’t give me that rubbish, David. They spoon-fed me that crap in
the hospital until I nearly
choked
on it. There is no lesson to be learned. There is
no goddamn bright side. There are two facts here; they are dead,
and if I hadn’t called Mom, they wouldn’t be.”

I could tell David
was frustrated. I could tell he wanted to shake me.
I
wanted to shake me. I
didn’t want to feel this way, and couldn’t expect anyone else to
understand, which is precisely why I hadn’t said it to
anyone.

“
Why are you shaking
your head?” I asked him.

“
I just…I’m angry.
Not at you, but…at everything. What…who was looking after you?
Who’s been talking to you about this, who have you had to comfort
you?”

I brushed my hair from
my face. “My dad.”

“
Does he know you
blame yourself?”

I swallowed, unable to
see my shoes through the blur of tears. “No.”

“
What kind of closure
have you had, girl? Did he even let you farewell them in their
graves before he dragged you away from the only home you’ve ever
known?” David sounded almost as angry as me.

“
We went to the
funeral. But a storm hit. It rained so hard I could only see a grey
blur in front of me where their coffins should be. And most people
left.”

“
Did you?”

I nodded. “At first, I
refused. I knelt on the ground, in the mud, letting it soak through
my clothes. I just wanted to touch them—to feel them
again.”

“
But your dad made
you leave, didn’t he?”

I nodded again. “I sat
there, with my hand on Harry’s coffin, just watching the rain drip
over my skin and into the ground where he was headed. I didn’t want
him to go in there. I didn’t want that to be it for him. And my
dad…he sat down next to me.” I smiled. “He got covered in mud. He
just took my hand and moved it down a little, told me it was over
Harry’s heart—that he had his teddy and his little blanket in there
to keep him warm and that, tucked up right beside his face was a
picture of me and Mom. And I got up, and as soon as Dad got to his
feet too, I shoved him, and I yelled at him.”

“
Why?”

“
A teddy?” I wiped my
nose on the back of my wrist. “He put a teddy in there with Harry.
What teddy? Why didn’t he come to me? Ask me? Harry would’ve wanted
his monkey—Pappy. He wouldn’t want some stupid teddy. But it was
too late. It was sealed up—locked up. I couldn't change it. I
couldn’t change any of it.”

“
Goddamn it.” He
rested his chin on my head, shaking his. “Ara, I just—I just wish
I’d known you then. I just wish I’d met you sooner. I had no idea
you were carrying this much grief. I mean, I knew you were sad, I
knew you were grieving, but this…” He kissed my hair. “I didn’t
know it went this deep.”

“
No one does. And I
won’t tell them. And neither will you.” It came out as a demand,
but deep down, it was a question. He held all the cards right now.
If he told my dad I called my mum that night, I’m not sure Dad
would ever forgive me.

David’s soothing touch
wordlessly tried to wash the pain of my scars away. He just sat
there, shaking his head, making line after line over my jaw. “When
did this happen? You arrived here a month ago, but your
scars—they’re healed too much to have such little time
pass.”

“
It was June. My dad
and I stayed at a motel until my face healed enough for me to go
out in public again.”

“
A motel? Didn’t you
have any family to stay with?”

“
Only Mike—my best
friend. But I didn’t want to see him, and we couldn’t go back to
the house. Dad said it would be too painful.”

“
It would’ve. But you
still should have gone back once before leaving.”

“
I did. I made him
take me back there before we got on the plane, and…”

“
And?”

As I craned my neck to
look at David, he gazed down at me, the feel of his breath on my
nose and lips calming me with the reality of his
existence.

“
Talk to me,
Ara.”

I pictured the grey
day, the cold wind and the rain making waterfalls over the
windscreen as we pulled up outside my house. The lights were all
out and the remainder of the daylight fought against thunderclouds
for right of existence in my world. I took each shaky step up to
the porch with a kind of stillness that had my dad lingering
closely behind me. “It hadn’t really hit me that they were gone,” I
said. “Not until I pushed the door open and looked down the hall.
And…for a second, I waited, expecting, truly believing I’d see
Harry crawl up to me at full speed with his little train in his
hand.

“
Everything looked the same and it
smelled
like home, but it was
empty—and so very quiet—like they weren’t there anymore. I
couldn’t
feel
them there anymore.” I tapped my chest with an open palm,
trying to push the pain back in. “The dishes were still in the
sink, and the clock on the wall was still ticking—that much stayed
the same. It felt strange, how, even though we weren’t there, time
just kept moving without us.” I shook my head slowly, seeing that
ticking hand. “It should’ve stopped, but it didn’t. That’s when I
fell down. It hit me so hard. I just broke apart and cried in the
doorway.

“
Dad didn’t know what
to do. He ran next door to get Mrs Baker; she made me get up. She
told me I had to be strong now; that childhood passes with tragedy,
and the sooner I came to accept that, the easier my life would
be.”

David groaned, folding
my face into his chest. “What did your dad say to that?”

“
Nothing. He just led
me to my room and shut the door.” I closed my eyes and saw the dark
shadows in the hallway near my room, how the absence of that warm
summer sun meant the death of everything I loved. “I packed a few
things, and…as I was leaving, I went to Harry’s room—to get Pappy,
his monkey toy, but Dad blocked the door; he wouldn’t let me go in
there.” I broke to tears so deep the words came out in
hiccups.

“
Why?”

“
He said it would
hurt more. He said I needed to make Harry a memory—something that
didn’t feel real anymore.”

“
He was just doing
what he thought was best, Ara.” David choked back tears.

“
I know.” I nodded.
“But he was wrong. They all think they know what I need—but they
don’t.”

“
What
do
you
need, sweetheart?” he asked. “Tell me, and I’ll make it
happen.”

“
I
need to go back, David—to that night. I need to put down
that
goddamn
phone, and if I can’t do that, I just need to
die.”

“
Ara.” David grabbed
both my cheeks, thrusting my face up until I looked into his eyes.
“What do you think your mother would feel to hear you say
that?”

“
That’s just it.” I
pushed his hands away. “She wouldn’t feel anything, because she’s
dead, and it’s my fault. No matter what you try to say, it’s my
fault.”

“
It was no one’s
fault. Get it through your head.” He grabbed me more firmly, not
letting me break away this time. “You wanna blame someone, blame
the truck driver, blame the tire shop who fitted used tires, but
don’t blame yourself because it won’t bring them back.”

My brow creased
tightly in the middle. I grabbed his hand slowly. “Wait, I never
said there was a truck.”

David stiffened,
staring ahead, his mouth hanging open a little, like he was about
to say something. I retraced my story in my head.

“
David?” I sat back
so I could look right into his eyes. “Tell me how you knew
that?”

“
I—” He winced,
scratching the back of his neck. “I kind of already
knew.”

“
Did…did my dad tell
you?”

“
Not everything.” He
wiped his thumb over a line of tears on my cheek. “But he told me
why you were here.”

“
When?” I yelled.
“Why?”

“
Ara, calm down, it’s
okay.” He went to pull me closer, but I pushed away as hard as I
could.

“
You’re traitors—both
of you.” I jumped to my feet to get as much distance from him as
possible.

“
Sweetheart, don’t be
upset.”

“
No. All this time.
All this time, you knew. You knew and you made me talk about it.
Why?”

“
Because I knew it
wasn’t just their death bothering you. I knew it went deeper.” He
stood up too. “Turns out I was right.”

“
So…” My eyes went
wide, realisation sinking in like nausea. “So, you were spying, for
my dad?”

“
Ara, no—” He
extended his hand.

“
What would possibly
make you want to do that, David?”

“
Ara, it wasn’t like
that.” He edged closer, both hands out now.

“
When did he tell
you—how long have you known?”

“
Please,
just—”

“
When!” My scream
echoed off the rocks and came back to haunt me with its
severity.