Dark Serpent (15 page)

‘Do you know what Clarissa’s going to do?’ Simone asked as we rode her cloud back to the Mountain.

‘She’s much better, and feeling confident about her relationship with Michael. I think she wants to get back together with him.’

‘That’s great,’ she said, sounding distracted. ‘Michael talked to me while we were waiting for you two. He has big plans if they get back together. He wants to nurse Clarissa back to health so they can buy a house on the Earthly Plane together, settle down and have lots of
babies
.’

She said the last word with so much distaste that I had to laugh.

‘What?’ she said.

‘When you see the babies, you’ll change your mind.’

‘Ew.’ She shuddered. ‘Milk-puking poo machines. I am so glad that Little Jade and Richie are out of nappies. Have you ever changed a nappy? Oh. My. God.’

I looked for the Mountain to appear in the distance. ‘You say that now, but wait until it’s your turn.’

‘Not for a long time,’ she said with emphasis.

‘Good.’

‘I took Emma to see Clarissa,’ she said.

‘What?’

‘Sorry, spoke out loud. Daddy’s back already; he’s in the mess with Master Liu.’

‘Already? That was quick. Wait — Master Liu? Which Master Liu?’

‘Cheng Rong.’

‘Oh, no.’

The cloud rose in the air slightly and picked up speed.

Both of us stormed straight into the mess, which was deserted apart from John and Liu sitting at one of the tables in the corner. The table was covered in beer bottles, some of them on their sides and all of them empty.

‘Your beard,’ John said to Liu, obviously the worse for wear, ‘looks like pubic hair on the front of your face. And it’s not even yours!’

‘Ew!’ Simone said. She spun on her heel and went out.

‘Thank you!’ Liu yelled, and raised his bottle.

‘Damn,’ John said, and drank.

I stood next to the table and put my hands on my hips. ‘It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.’

‘Not in …’ John tried to focus on me and failed. ‘Somewhere else.’

‘Your wife’, Liu said, waving his bottle unsteadily at me, ‘is the ugliest damn bitch I have ever seen in my entire life.’

‘I know!’ John said, and raised his bottle towards Liu.

Liu took a large swig, finished the bottle and peered down the neck. He dropped the empty into the case next to him, grabbed a full one and twisted the top off.

‘Go for your life, oh Mighty Emperor of the Northern Heavens,’ he said.

‘We’re onto wives, eh? Now it’s getting serious,’ John said. He winked at me. ‘Your wife came to me asking if all Chinese men were as poorly endowed as you are.’

Liu shot to his feet and waved his clenched fist in John’s face. ‘I’m a fucking Immortal, you moron! I can make my dick as big as I want, and I’ve
never
had a problem satisfying a …’ His voice petered out as he saw John’s triumphant face. He swung his hand out and they slapped palms. ‘You win, as always, you ugly bastard.’ He took a huge swig from the bottle, spilling beer into his beard. ‘I’m going to pass out in my bed. And probably throw up a bit first.’

He peered blearily at me. ‘Is that you, love?’

‘No.’

‘Oh, Emma.’ He turned groggily to John. ‘You’re in serious trouble, my friend.’

John gestured towards the door. ‘Not as much trouble as you are.’

Liu managed to turn without falling over and saw Meredith, who’d just arrived.

‘Love of my life, passion of my strawberry, butterfly of my … something or other, he won again.’

Meredith came and stood next to me. ‘You know the Dark Lord was returned faster because Pao realises just how much the Celestial needs him?’

John jabbed his finger at Liu. ‘It was his idea!’

Liu staggered to face John. ‘Liar, it was all your idea!’

‘The Celestial needs me,’ John said. ‘You are an agent of Hell sent to get me drunk and make me useless.’

‘Once I’m finished with him, he’ll think that I’m an agent of Hell,’ Meredith said. She linked arms with Liu and turned him towards the door. ‘Take your Turtle home and let him sober up, Emma. And I suggest you provide him with a bucket. If you’re lucky, he’ll make it home without puking on you.’

‘This wasn’t nearly as much fun without the Tiger,’ John said as he leaned heavily on the back of the chair to stand. ‘He loses his temper straight away and becomes most comical. But it was worth it to see his face when Pao let me out of Court Ten first.’

Meredith met up with me later, after we’d left both of them in their beds with buckets alongside.

‘Don’t be too mad with him — they needed that,’ she said.

‘I know. I’ve seen what this is doing to him. Both of them needed to blow off some steam.’

‘Did he tell you what caused him to fall like that?’

‘They hit the Serpent in the face with the carbon dioxide from a fire extinguisher and suffocated it until they both passed out. They can knock him unconscious any time they like without killing him.’ I hesitated. ‘The timing was too perfect.’

‘Could have been a coincidence,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘They’ve been randomly playing with him for a while. This isn’t the first time he’s fallen out of the sky.’

‘He should have looked for a spy before he went on the piss with your husband.’

Her expression sobered. ‘He did, Emma. That’s why they pulled out the beer — they couldn’t find anything. It may have been just a coincidence.’

‘What are the students saying?’

‘Most of them are in awe of how much alcohol the two of them consumed without passing out. That was the third crate of beer.’

‘I’m planning to be a long way away when they wake up,’ I said.

‘Good idea.’

She patted me on the shoulder and went back to the training section.

‘John.’ I pushed him gently as he lay on the bed. ‘Geez, you stink of alcohol. John!’

‘What?’ he said. He raised his head and groaned, then covered his eyes with his forearm. ‘Oh shit, my head.’ He peered at me. ‘Can’t you just leave me alone, woman? I’m dying here.’

‘I’d love to, but we’re supposed to go to a charity thing tonight, for the introduction of your new persona on the Earthly. It’s all set up, so you have to sober up and come.’

‘I don’t want to,’ he said, rolling away from me. ‘Let me die in peace.’

‘If you do not sober up now, the next time you’re unconscious I will leave you in the middle of the main square wearing nothing but your black boxers where all the students can see you.’

He rolled back and glared at me from under his arm. ‘You wouldn’t dare.’

I crossed my arms and matched his stare.

He smiled slightly and shook his head. ‘You would too, wouldn’t you?’

‘Damn straight.’

‘Okay.’ He groaned as he pulled himself upright, and waved one hand at me. ‘Move back. If I’m going to sober up, I need to sit.’

I shifted back so that he could sit cross-legged on the bed. He put his elbows on his knees and cupped one hand in the other, then closed his eyes. His hair floated around him and steam rose from his head and shoulders. I coughed and moved further back; the steam was almost pure alcohol.

The steam stopped, his hair dropped and he opened his eyes. He put his hands on his knees and shook out his shoulders. ‘What a waste. Oh well, it was cheap beer anyway.’ He brushed one hand over his forehead. ‘How long until we have to go? I need a shower.’

‘You have half an hour. Do you have clothes that will fit?’

‘I’ll summon something, don’t worry.’ He smiled slightly. ‘I need someone to scrub my back.’

‘You have thirty minutes,’ I said, rising. ‘You do not have time for back rubs. Oh,’ I pointed at his crotch, ‘next time remember to button your boxers, okay? The servants would have a heart attack if they saw that.’

He glanced down at himself. ‘Only because of my magnificence.’

‘Oh, go take a shower,’ I said, and went out.

I tapped on the door of Simone’s room. ‘I made him get up, he’s taking a shower.’

She opened her door a crack; she was in a bathrobe with a towel around her hair. ‘Did he sober up?’

‘Yes.’

‘Wait — he needs to take a shower?’

‘I’m afraid so.’

‘God.’ She dropped her voice. ‘I didn’t know he was that bad. Just the idea of him needing to take a shower is so scary.’

‘Neither did I. Don’t mention it to anyone, okay? Pretend he’s as strong as he always was.’

She nodded. ‘Okay. There’s a good chance there’ll be demons there tonight; we have to make it look good.’

‘Simone’s driving,’ John said when we arrived at the car park near the old Star Ferry terminal in Hong Kong.

Simone stopped next to the car. ‘I am not driving this.’

‘You have to,’ John said. ‘I need to fix myself up for my new identity. Emma, love, sit in the back and help me? I need to get it right.’

Simone pointed at the car. ‘I am
not
driving this. It’s freaking enormous. Jade, you drive.’

Jade raised her hands. ‘I’m sorry, my Lady, I can’t drive.’

Simone put her hands on her hips and glared at her. ‘Lies!’

‘The honest truth, ma’am. Before I joined the household I never needed to drive, and after I joined we already had Leo to drive for us. I’ve never learnt.’

‘Can’t you just sit behind the wheel and make it move or something?’

Jade bowed slightly. ‘Forgive me, my Lady, I am a very small Shen.’

‘Well, if I run into someone it’s your fault,’ Simone said to John.

‘You won’t,’ John said, and got into the back seat.

I pulled myself in to sit next to him and Simone sat behind the wheel.

She inspected the controls. ‘What the hell is all this? This isn’t a car, it’s a spaceship.’

‘The usual controls are in the usual places,’ John said. ‘Stop complaining and hurry up. We’ll be late.’

‘Keys?’ Simone said, reaching behind her.

‘Doesn’t need any; keyless start,’ I said. ‘Press the red button.’

Simone made small grumbling noises as she jerkily drove the car out of its spot and headed towards the car park exit. The gate opened by itself and she slowly eased the car up the ramp and out onto Connaught Road, one of the busiest in Hong Kong: six lanes each way and packed with fast-moving traffic. She did the Hong Kong thing of rushing into the lane when there was a tiny
gap available, and the traffic slowed to let her in. Then she was obviously frustrated as she had to merge from the left all the way to the right to make a U-turn back towards Pacific Place where the movie premiere was being held.

As we travelled through the stop-start traffic, I pulled a photograph and mirror out of my clutch purse and held them up for John to see while he changed his appearance. He left his hair long, but aged until he looked eighty years old. He held his hands out in front of him; his right arm was slightly longer than his left. He shortened it, then nodded with satisfaction and grinned at me, his face a network of lines.

‘How’s this?’

I turned the photo around and held it next to his head to inspect the similarity. ‘Your face needs to be slightly longer and narrower.’

He changed and I nodded. ‘Perfect.’

‘Give me a couple of minutes to focus the form,’ he said, and went completely still, gazing blindly in front of him.

‘Oh, for fffsss …’ Simone didn’t finish it. ‘Let me in, asshole, I need to go up the hill!’

The other car blew its horn at her and she roughly spun the wheel to merge into the lane, cutting it off. She slowed to enter the car park at Pacific Place, turned and then stopped. She had misjudged the angle and the car was in danger of hitting the wall.

‘Just move it,’ John said. ‘Nobody’s around.’

Simone took a deep breath and the car lifted slightly above the ground, moved to the left and dropped again, bouncing on its springs. She revved the engine a little too hard and jerked the car forward, but missed the wall and headed down the ramp.

‘Excellent job, Simone, I knew you could do it,’ John said.

‘I hate this car,’ she said through her teeth. ‘No wonder you made him buy you a smaller one, Emma.’

‘I wanted a blue one, but he wouldn’t let me,’ I said. ‘All the livery in the House of the North has to match.’

‘The blue was ugly,’ he said. ‘And I wouldn’t give the Dragon the satisfaction.’

Simone glanced at her father in the rear-view mirror. ‘You forgot your voice.’

‘Whoops,’ he said, suddenly sounding much older.

‘I have the story memorised,’ Jade said. ‘If you forget any details let me know and I’ll fill you in.’

‘I don’t think that will be necessary,’ John said.

‘Speak for yourself,’ Simone said.

It was the usual tedious social event: overdressed people standing around criticising each other’s appearance and smiling for the benefit of the fawning media. David and Bridget Hawkes were waiting for us when we entered the lobby of the cinema. Part-Chinese, part-Scottish David was the taipan of one of Hong Kong’s largest companies, which had a history dating back to the Opium Wars.

‘That’s not really you, is it?’ David said to John.

John changed his voice to his normal one. ‘One hundred per cent me.’

‘That’s astonishing,’ Bridget said.

‘So you’re your own father?’ David said. ‘Is that right?’

John changed his voice to old again and raised it. ‘Yes, I’m John Chen’s father. I came over from the village in China to see how well Miss Donahoe here is looking after my granddaughter.’ He patted my shoulder, fatherly. ‘She’s doing a fine job. Soon I’ll be able to return to my wife back home, confident that little Simone is receiving the best of care.’

‘What?’ Simone said, turning to him.

‘I can’t stay here forever. I have the Mainland side of the business to run, you know that.’

‘No, I don’t.’

He dropped his voice. ‘Well, you do now. I don’t have time to come to every charity event. You can represent the House in my place. You’re Princess of the House, it’s part of your duties.’

‘Emma …’ Simone pleaded.

‘About time you started taking part of the royal workload,’ I said.

‘Come on, Simone, don’t look like that,’ Bridget said. She took her arm to lead her away. ‘Making a career out of attending events like this isn’t so bad — there are plenty of lovely young men here for you to meet. Have you met my son Phillip?’

‘Isn’t he, like, fifteen?’ Simone said.

‘Nearly sixteen,’ Bridget said, and they were gone in the crush.

‘That was totally shameless,’ David said with amusement, ‘and I apologise on behalf of my wife.’

‘No need,’ John said. ‘I’m sure he’s a delightful young man.’ He moved closer to David, more serious. ‘I understand that you’ve been to my Mountain. The real one.’

‘I knew for a couple of years already, but it didn’t really hit home until we actually saw it,’ David said. He studied John carefully. ‘I could say the idea of you being a god is hard to take, but look at you. You look at least seventy.’

‘I’m just me,’ John said. He took a couple of mineral waters from a passing tray and handed one to me. ‘It’s advantageous for us to have liaisons on the Earthly, and I’m pleased that you’ll be one of them. It’s always been good to work with you.’

David bowed slightly. ‘I thank you, Majesty.’

‘I’m a Highness,’ John said, amused. ‘The Jade Emperor’s His Majesty.’

David bowed again, sharing the amusement. ‘Highness.’ He turned to me. ‘And you are a —’ He choked on the word, tried again and stopped, confused.

‘I’m being punished by the Jade Emperor,’ I said. ‘Nobody can use any sort of title except “Miss” when they talk to me.’