sickening lurch. It was Hans, Blomberg’s chauffeur, and the
woman he had been making love to was Monique.
It was almost four o’clock by the time Monique let herself in
through the bridge door. Claudine was waiting for her.
Without uttering a word, she grabbed Monique by the arm
and hauled her into her bedroom.
‘What the hell’s going on?’ Monique cried, snatching her
arm away and glaring at Claudine defiantly.
Claudine slammed the door. ‘I’d like you to tell me that!’
she said, trying to keep her voice down. ‘I saw you,
Monique. I saw you with my own eyes, so don’t bother to
deny it. Now what the hell do you think you’re doing
fornicating with Germans? You know what could happen
‘How dare you speak to me like that!’
‘I dare. And if need be I’ll keep you locked in your room to
stop you seeing him again.’
For a moment Monique was speechless with rage. ‘Just
who do you think you are!’ she shouted. ‘I’m not a child…’
‘No! You’re a damned fool. You know as well as I do what
the penalty is for sleeping with a German. They call it
“polluting the master race”, Monique, and for that you can
be shot.’
‘But we’re in love!’ Monique cried, tears starting to pour
from her eyes. ‘You know what it’s like to be in love, so how
can you …’
‘Stop it! Stop it now!’ Claudine shouted. ‘If he’s in love
with you, why is he putting you in this danger?’ An image of
Francois flashed into her mind and for once she was
relieved that no one knew how they felt about each other. ‘If
I can find out so easily what’s going on,’ she continued, ‘then so can others. The worst that can happen to Hans is that he’ll be transferred elsewhere. But you, you could find
yourself facing a firing squad and there won’t be a damned
thing he can do to help you.’
Burying her face in her hands, Monique started to run
from the room, but Claudine caught her and pulled her
back. ‘No!’ she said firmly. ‘You are not going to run away.
You’re going to sit here and talk to me, and I’m not letting
you leave until I have your word that you won’t see him
again.’
‘You can’t stop me!’ Monique sobbed.
‘I can stop you, and I will. I care a great deal about you,
Monique, so do the rest of your family, and think what it
would do to your mother if she were to find out.’ Then,
realizing that she was being perhaps a little too harsh, she
softened her voice and said, ‘Come and sit down, Monique.
Sit down and listen to what I have to say.’
Once they were sitting side by side on the bed, she took a
handkerchief from her pocket and wiped the tears from
Monique’s cheeks. ‘I’m sorry I flew off the handle,’ she said
gently, ‘but I was afraid for you. I still am.’
Monique’s wide, amber eyes looked at her, searching her
face as if she might find the answers to the misery of her life.
‘Oh, Claudine,’ she said, her voice catching in her throat.
‘Claudine, I don’t know what to do any more. I’m so lonely. I
can’t find anyone to love me, to care about me. What’s
wrong with me? Please tell me. Why is this happening?’
wish I did. But you can’t go on seeing Hans, you know that,
don’t you?’
‘But what if he’s the right one for me? What if we’re
meant to be together?’
Claudine shook her head. ‘He’s not, Monique. This may
hurt you, but I have to make you understand that he is
simply using you. Armand tells me that Hans has quite a
reputation in Chinon, that he sleeps with a lot of the girls.’
‘That’s not true!’ Monique wailed. ‘How would Armand
know, anyway?’
‘Estelle told him. She was the one who first saw you at the
cottage with Hans. Now listen, I’m going to let you into a
secret. It won’t exactly make up for anything, but I think it’ll
make you a little happier than you are now. But you have to
swear to me first that you won’t tell Solange.’
‘I swear,’ Monique said.
Claudine took a deep breath, sent up a silent prayer that
she was doing the right thing, then put her hands on
Monique’s shoulders and said, ‘I’ve seen Lucien. He’s been
here…’ But she got no further, for Monique let out a howl
and fell sobbing into her arms.
‘Lucien!’ she cried. ‘Lucien! Where is he now? Oh,
Claudine, why didn’t he see me too? But I know why. Oh,
Claudine, I can’t bear it. I love him so much. And Francois.
They love me, they’re the only men who love me. I want
them back here, Claudine. I want Francois. Francois makes
everything all right. He understands. He knows about
Lucien and he understands the way I feel. But I can’t feel it,
Claudine. I mustn’t. It’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I love him
so much …’
A cold dread was starting to run through Claudine’s
veins, and pulling Monique away from her shoulder she
looked into her eyes. ‘What are you saying, Monique?’ she
whispered. ‘What do you mean, it’s wrong?’
Monique started to shake her head, and tearing herself
away, she pushed her face into the pillow. ‘Nothing!’ she
cried. ‘I don’t mean anything. I can’t tell you. I can’t tell
anyone. Only Francois knows.’
‘Knows what, cherie?’
‘Nothing! I shouldn’t have said …’ Her body was
convulsed with sobs and Claudine could only stare at her in
horror.
‘Monique, are you in love with Lucien?’ she said finally,
staggered that she should even be thinking such a thing.
The silence that followed was confirmation enough, and
for the moment Claudine felt too shocked to move. She
looked at Monique. She was so still that for a moment
Claudine thought she might have fainted. ‘Does Lucien
know?’ Her voice was like an echo inside her head.
After what felt like an unbearably long time, Monique
pulled herself up and looked into Claudine’s eyes. But she
couldn’t hold the gaze and lowered her head. ‘No one
knows,’ she said huskily. ‘Except Francois.’
‘How does he know?’ Claudine whispered.
Monique blew her nose noisily. ‘I told him. When I was
fifteen. He found me crying one day and made me tell him
why. I’d just come from Lucien’s room where I’d caught
him making love to the maid. They didn’t see me, but I
stood there for a long time watching them, and I was so
jealous that I just wanted to kill her. Francois said it was
natural for me to be jealous. He said that it had come as a
shock to me to realize that Lucien could love another girl.
He said that when I was older and had a relationship of my
own, I’d understand how it was possible to love in two
different ways. But I knew the way I was feeling wasn’t
normal. Lucien’s my brother, my own flesh and blood, and I
wanted him to hold me the way he …
‘Oh Claudine, I tried so hard to believe what Francois
had told me, but I knew I couldn’t wait until I was older, I
had to find oat then. So I got one of the men from the I
vineyards to make love to me, but it was no good, I couldn’t I
get Lucien and the maid out of my mind. I kept imagining
that Christophe, the man from the vineyards, was Lucien
… I told Francois, but he only said that it was because I
didn’t really love Christophe. He dismissed Christophe
then, I know he did, though he told me that Christophe had
left of his own accord…’
She looked up and Claudine’s heart turned over at the
anguish in her eyes. ‘The worst thing,’ she went on, ‘is that
Francois said the memory would fade - but it hasn’t. Every
time I make love with someone I see them together, her legs
wrapped around Lucien’s waist, Lucien’s back, his
shoulders, the sweat glistening on his skin… and I start to
imagine that I’m the maid and the man I’m with is Lucien.
I’ve tried so hard not to, I keep trying, but it’s all I can think of. I so desperately want to fall in love with someone else, to prove to myself that I’m normal, but…’ She looked off into
the distance and swallowed hard on her tears. ‘I don’t know
what to do, Claudine. I just don’t know what to do.’
Claudine felt a gurgle of laughter in her throat as relief
overcame her. ‘Oh Monique!’ she said, taking her hands,
‘Monique. It’s not what…’
‘Don’t! Don’t say anything. I should never have told you,
but I … It’s so horrible and it’s never going to change. I
know you despise me now, I don’t blame you! I despise
myself. I want to die, so many times I’ve just wanted to …’
‘Ssh!’ Claudine soothed. ‘Just tell me, when did you last
talk to Francois about this?’
Monique shrugged. ‘I don’t know. A long time ago.
When I was twenty, I think.’
‘Then you’re a silly goose. You should have talked to him
again.’
‘Why? It’s his brother I’m talking about as well as mine.
And he knows I still feel the way I do, but he’s as disgusted
by it as you are. But he understood, at first… Oh Claudine,
so many awful things have happened because of it. Francois
… Francois killed someone because of it.’
Claudine’s face turned white. ‘What do you mean? What
are you saying, Monique?’
‘Francois killed a woman because she loved Lucien. He
knew I was jealous, so he killed her. I didn’t want him to do
it, but it was…No, I can’t think of it. It was all so terrible. It
was all my fault…’
‘Monique, calm down,’ Claudine said firmly. ‘Now tell
me, who was the woman?’
‘Her name was Hortense. Hortense de Bourchain.’
It was the name Claudine had expected to hear, yet still
she was stunned. ‘No, Monique,’ she said slowly. ‘You’re
wrong. I don’t know why Francois killed her, but he
wouldn’t have done it for the reasons you think.’
‘How do you know? You weren’t here. He’s never told
you…’
‘He told me he killed her, but I know he wouldn’t have done
it because of the way you feel - you think you feel - about
Lucien. Monique, you’ve got to listen to me, and you must try
to understand what I’m saying. Francois was right when he
told you you were shocked by finding Lucien in bed with the
maid, and the way you responded was quite natural, given your
age and how close you are to Lucien. But somehow you’ve
managed to build it out of all proportion; you’re so obsessed by
the image of Lucien making love that you can’t see beyond it.
But you aren’t going to exorcise the image by sleeping with
every man you meet. Either your desperation will frighten
them - as it did with Freddy - or your vulnerability will lead
them to use you - as happened with Karol and with Hans.’
‘You’re not listening to me,’ Monique cried. ‘I think of
Lucien when I’m making love with them, that’s why things
go wrong. Oh, they don’t know it, I can hide it, but it’s true,
and somehow they must sense it.’
(
I’
‘No! All they sense is that they’ve got hold of a woman
they can turn into a slave. The answer doesn’t lie with these
men, it lies with you. You have to face the truth - which is
much, much easier than the terrible misconception you’ve
been living with. Oh, if only you’d talked to Francois again.
He would have helped you, things might never have gone
this far … He probably thinks you’re over it.’
‘Well, I’m not over it.’ Monique stood up abruptly. ‘I
don’t want to discuss it any more. Please, I beg you, don’t
ever refer to it again. I’ll stop seeing Hans, I’ll do anything
you ask of me, but please …’ She broke down again, and
before Claudine could stop her she had run out of the room.
If she hadn’t at that moment heard the haunting owl hoot
that was her signal to receive a message from Lucien,
Claudine would have gone after her. She had no intention
of letting the matter rest there. Monique was not in love with
Lucien, but it was going to take a great deal of time, patience
and understanding to help her put that adolescent trauma
into perspective. However, for the moment the call from the
forest was more pressing, and putting her coat round her
shoulders, she let herself out into the icy rain and ran to the
far edge of the bridge.
She waited, and after a few minutes a dark figure loomed
out of the shadows. Her heart lurched into her throat. He
was wearing heavy boots, a belted fur jerkin, and a
voluminous black cap was pulled down over his eyes. She
dreaded to think what Armand, or more particularly
Francois, would say if they knew what she was doing now,
but she pushed the thought to one side and watched the man
approach.
‘It’s snowing in Paris,’ he told her, his voice barely
reaching her through the howl of the wind.
‘It often does in spring,’ she answered, her heart thudding wildly.
The stranger smiled briefly, then said, ‘Two coming
through tomorrow night. Go to the tabac in Monts. Hand
over these ration tickets,’ he passed them to her, ‘and ask for five packets of Gauloises. The answer you receive should be I have only three. Ask to smoke one there - since women aren’t permitted to smoke in public it won’t be such an unusual