Dating A Saint (17 page)

Lauren wandered back inside the chapel. She looked until she found Ben and Regina. “Go on to the reception. I’ll see to the flowers and be right there. I’ll only be about fifteen minutes behind everyone else.”

“You holding up okay?” Regina asked, putting her hands on Lauren’s bare arms and rubbing.

“Yes. Mostly.” Lauren bent and kissed Regina’s cheek. “No worries.”

But after the church had emptied, and while the florists were finishing up, Lauren sat on the first pew and closed her eyes. This is the dream, she though sadly. Big wedding. Beautiful dress. Handsome, devoted groom. And of course—the promise of happily ever after.

When she married Jared years ago, she’d had the dream. It had just turned into a nightmare over time. After it had ended so badly, she’d had nothing for a very long time. Lauren had never seriously dated, hadn’t let herself sleep with anyone, even though she had secretly admired women like Alexa who did as they liked.

Jim had once had the dream as well, she knew. And she did not doubt his story about how much he had believed in it. She sincerely understood why Jim had chosen to continue his marriage, why he felt compelled still to take care of his wife despite the circumstances. He was only more appealing to her for his faithfulness to a woman who had in most ways abandoned him years ago.

Like her, Jim had denied himself a normal relationship for years. Last night had been at least physically cathartic for both of them. His fierceness had revealed to her the depth of his desire, a desire she sincerely believed was solely for her. But beyond the sex, she was now wondering where she even fit into Jim’s life.

After all, that was the real question, wasn’t it? Lauren couldn’t be his wife—or at least not a legal one. She might be something else—if she wanted—if he wanted. One thing for sure, she certainly wasn’t willing to be seen as just another mistake, the way he viewed the last woman he’d slept with. Throwing herself at him and demanding a place in his life was very tempting. God only knew she did want more of what she had last night, regardless of the label anyone would put on it.

It wasn’t a great moment for her to realize she loved a man who might never love her back. The dream wasn’t even a possibility for her with Jim. But she wasn’t stupid or naïve—Lauren knew life didn’t work out perfectly for everyone.

Sometimes there was no happy ending to your story, no matter how much you wanted one.

Lauren stood and looked around at the now empty church. This is the only true reality, she decided, staring at the emptiness. In this day and age, any relationship could be wiped away just as fast as all traces of Alexa’s and Casey’s wedding had been removed from the church in the short time she had waited.

At forty-two, she would have no problem ending a relationship that gave her nothing and only made her feel bad about herself. She had absolutely no regrets about ending her terrible marriage. One toxic relationship in a lifetime was enough for any woman, she thought. Jim felt guilty, and his guilt made her feel guilty. She had no intention of feeling guilty for the rest of her life, even if it meant giving him up.

Lauren sadly picked up both giant bridal bouquets and carried them out to her car.

*** *** ***

When Ben and Regina came to the reception without Lauren, Jim got really worried. Casey and Alexa had been there for quite some time. He had already profusely apologized for missing the wedding. Fortunately, they were too caught up in wedding bliss to be more than mildly offended.

Where is she?
Jim wondered, fighting his panic. Lauren was supposed to have been a bridesmaid. She should have arrived with the rest of the wedding party.

When Regina saw Jim alone, she walked straight over to where he stood.

“We missed you at the wedding,” she said, peering up into Jim’s worried face.

“I’ve been dealing with a terrible hangover. Listen—did Lauren come to see me last night?” Jim asked abruptly.

“How should I know? Lauren was talking to Alexa when I went to sleep,” Regina said, her brow wrinkling as she pretended to be surprised. “Why?”

Jim put his hands in his pockets. “I got drunk and ended up in a room at your hotel. I was intending to find Lauren, but I don’t know if I did. I don’t remember much about last night.”

“Wow, you must have been smashed,” she said with false sympathy. “You seriously don’t remember?”

Regina liked Jim, truly she did, but the man needed to suffer a little for disappointing Lauren, not just once—but several times.

Jim shook his head. “I’m not proud of myself, but I didn’t do it on purpose either.”

Regina crossed her arms. “I hear Casey and Ben dropped you at the hotel. You are not on my good list today, Gallagher. I should let you stew in your mortification for disappointing one of the sweetest women I know. You should have hung around this morning.”

Jim rubbed a hand over his face. “Regina,
please
. Lecture me some other time. Was Lauren in my room last night? I have to know.”

“Ask her yourself,” Regina said, shaking her head.

“I can’t unless I know it was her first. Will you at least tell me what she was wearing when you last saw her?” Jim asked, begging.

“What are you? Some kind of fashion policeman?” Regina asked meanly.

She relented only when she saw Jim put his hands in his pockets.
Damn it all to hell
, she thought, feeling sorry for him at last.

“Lauren was strutting around our room in pink silk pajamas when I went to bed,” Regina said, forcing the admission out of her mouth.

Jim put his arms around Regina, hugged her tightly, and kissed her soundly on her cheek. “Thank you,” he whispered in her ear.

Ben walked up just as Jim was letting his wife go. “Gallagher. Do I even want to know why you’re hugging and kissing my wife?”

“No,” Jim said to Ben firmly, and then he saw Lauren finally walk through the door. Jim walked away from Ben and Regina without another word, and headed across the room to her.

“Well, looks like Lauren finally got part of her wish,” Regina said lightly, sniffing.

Ben put an arm around his softhearted wife and smiled.

*** *** ***

Lauren saw Jim approaching and stiffened to keep from spinning and running. She lifted her chin, forcing her attention away from how haggard he looked.

“Dance with me,” Jim ordered, ignoring her glare as he tugged on her hand.

“I’m too busy to dance,” Lauren said, digging in as best she could in her three-inch heels. If she took any further action, she’d end up destroying the snug fitting dress.

“Too bad. We need to talk. Nice dress by the way,” Jim said, turning her into his arms. “You know you need to take it for a test drive around the dance floor. Sydney will be disappointed if you don’t advertise a little.”

“I don’t give a flip what Sydney thinks today,” Lauren said. “Let me go or you’ll be sorry.”

“I’m already sorry. I can be sorry with my arms around you or sorry lying on the floor with your heel puncturing my throat. Make me as sorry as you want, but first tell me what happened last night,” Jim said in her ear. “Did you come to my room?”

“I don’t want to talk about last night,” Lauren said firmly, as his arms tightened around her.

Jim said nothing. It took all his composure to keep dancing with her and not run like hell from the conversation.

“Did I do something to hurt you?” he asked, heart dropping into his stomach as Lauren laughed harshly.

“If you mean physically, the answer is no. The proof of that is you’re still walking and breathing,” she informed him meanly. She tilted her chin so high it almost collided with his.

Jim looked away and then back to meet her gaze. “I woke up sick as hell to a practically empty bottle of brandy. There were pink buttons stuck to my body, and a set of torn clothes in a trashcan by the bed. At first, I thought Ben and Casey had played a joke on me.”

“That would have been some joke,” Lauren said, irony dripping from her voice.

Jim dipped his head until his chin almost touched her shoulder. “Lauren—I have never forced myself on a woman in my life. If I thought I hurt you in any way, I would want to die. Knowing you can seriously kick my ass enough to stop me is the only reason I had the nerve to show up here and ask you what happened.”

“Do you honestly think I took five years of martial arts classes for the express purpose of being able to deflect a drunken pass from you?” Lauren asked sarcastically. She swore softly so only he could hear.

Jim winced at her angry swearing. “I can’t change the fact I don’t remember,” Jim said quietly. “Did something happen between us last night? Or did you stop me, Lauren? Did you plant those things in my room to make me feel bad about getting so drunk?”

“How do you even know it was me in your room?” Lauren asked. She was having a hard time holding in the hurt.

“I smelled your scent on what was left of the torn clothes,” he whispered. “And I have prayed really hard since that whatever happened—if anything—was with you. I feel—different today, but I don’t remember much about last night.”

His words sounded almost romantic, Lauren thought. The idea of him smelling her clothes weakened her knees for a moment, but she reminded herself of what he really felt about it all.

“Are you sorry you don’t remember what happened? Or just sorry about last night in general?” Lauren asked.

“I’m sorry for anything and everything I might have done to hurt you,” Jim said sincerely. “I would take it all back if I could and never have shown up at the hotel at all.”

Lauren pulled back then and met his gaze. Regret—gut wrenching regret—was etched in the lines of his tired face, making it obvious how sorry he was. Lauren closed her eyes, but when she opened them again, he still looked the same.

The realization she had in the church came true right in front of her. Jim was never going to give her even a gray version of the dream, much less a white one like Regina and Alexa had. If Jim stayed in her life, Lauren would have to get used to seeing constant agonizing regret on his face just because he wanted her.

Last night she might as well have been the prostitute she’d once accused him of using, Lauren thought. The guilt he would feel if he knew the truth would likely destroy all his softer feelings for her. There was simply no winning for her in the situation, and she simply couldn’t hope anymore.

But she wasn’t going to let Jim Gallagher ruin last night for her any more than he already had. Especially now, since it looked like it was the only time she was ever going to be with him.

“And people call me a saint,” Lauren said, sarcasm dripping from her tone. “If they only knew you better, knew how noble you are about not sinning with me. Well you can relax, Jim. Nothing life altering happened last night. Be grateful you ended up with me checking on you, and stick to beer next time you drink. Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have bridesmaid duties.”

Lauren turned and walked away, leaving Jim to process her answer any way he wanted. She didn’t owe him any further explanation. She was taking the details to her grave.

In retrospect, what had she thought Jim would say?
Sorry I got drunk and missed our first time?
No, instead he was sorry about
everything
.

Well, today that made two of them. She was now sorry too.

The food at the reception was wonderful, and the bride and groom were finally getting to eat some of it. Casey watched Lauren leave Jim standing in the middle of the dance floor and sighed. Another mission blown all to hell, he decided, when Jim put his hands in his pockets and walked away.

When Casey felt Alexa’s arm link with his, he turned to look into his wife’s concerned face. “Have I ever told you how much I appreciate your don’t-give-a-damn approach to life? You are a hell of a woman. In a sick and twisted way, I’m a little sorry you and Gallagher didn’t hook up a little more when you dated. You might have influenced him to abandon his puritanical views.”

Alexa looked at her new husband, sure she had not heard him correctly.

“Did you just tell me on our wedding day you wished my list of lovers had been longer? Why couldn’t you have mentioned this yesterday when I could have rectified the situation?” she asked, laughter crinkling the lines by her eyes, despite the perfect makeup. “And since when are you so magnanimous about sharing me? What happened to all that
you’re mine
stuff?”

“Try flirting with someone today and I’ll show you where it is,” Casey said, glaring but laughing too. “Maybe I’m just feeling a little guilty for taking you off the market in your prime.”

When she laughed and didn’t get mad at him, Casey was relieved. Progress, he thought, smiling back at her. They were both coming to terms with each other’s strong feelings.

“Prime? At fifty?” she said on a laugh. “You should have seen me twenty years ago.”

Casey shrugged a shoulder. “I see that every time Jenna comes to visit. I prefer the older, more settled version. Besides, I like having more sexual energy than you do. I need the edge to keep an experienced woman like you interested.”

“Interested? I’ve lost ten pounds since we’ve been sleeping together. I get to eat anything I want now. That alone is worth marrying you. The only complaint I have is you do get a little rough sometimes.” She took a sip of champagne and licked her bottom lip, while he looked longingly at her mouth. How Casey could arouse her at her age with just a look was something she still hadn’t figured out.

“I won’t be rough tonight,” Casey promised, his gaze watching her tongue as it stroked across her lip. “I have something special planned for my new
wife
. It’s going to take a very long time.”

“Oh? How intriguing, tell me—oh damn. Speaking of Jenna, her date is over there talking to Seth. Can’t you have a talk with Allen about not flaunting his relationship with Jenna in front of Seth?”

Casey looked over at Allen and Seth and snorted.

“Allen is Seth’s damn personal trainer now at the gym. Don’t ask me to get in the middle of that cluster fu—I mean
mess
. I’m not planning to buddy up with your old flames.
That
—” Casey said, nodding with his chin to the two men, “is beyond my understanding.”