Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs (Backlist eBook Program) (6 page)

Conclusion

I
’m tempted to apologize to you, because if you have actually read all the way through this book, your brain is now an infected, festering, oozing mass of irritating melodies and pathetic lyrics.

But it’s your own fault. I warned you, right at the beginning, remember? And you kept right on reading, didn’t you? So don’t blame me if, at this moment, the Greatest Hits of Mac Davis are echoing in your cranium.

Besides, it could have been much worse. There are a WHOLE lot of bad songs that aren’t even mentioned in this book. For example, consider the lyrics to “Ball of Confusion,” performed by the Temptations. The Temptations are without doubt one of the greatest singing groups ever, but in “Ball of Confusion,” which is supposed to be a protest song, they sing, with great sincerity:

Great googa mooga

Can’t you hear me talkin’ to ya?

Now, those are some
terrible
lyrics, but they weren’t included in this book. At least until now.

And there are many, many other bad songs that I left out. I know this. I know that—among many other shortcomings—this book barely even scratches the surface of the early work of Wayne Newton. But a person reaches a point where he simply cannot write about any more bad songs, and I have reached that point.

But before I leave you, I want to say a few things. First, I don’t personally think that all of the songs in this book are bad. I actually
like
some of them, but I felt I had to include them if they got a lot of Bad Song Survey votes. So if I mentioned a song that you love and you’re really angry at me and you want to track me down and kill me, remember this: I love that song, too!

Also, I want to say this to the many artists whose work was mentioned in this book: You should feel
good
about being in here. Really! Your presence in this book means that a large sector of the public still remembers your work! You made an impression; you made a
difference
. How many people can say that? Not many! Some really top musicians—and here I am thinking specifically of Handel—never wrote anything memorable enough to be mentioned in the Bad Song Survey. So I hope you respond to this book in a restrained and gracious manner that does not involve lawsuits.

Finally, let me say that music is
subjective
. There is no “good” or “bad”; there is only individual preference, which varies from person to person. If person A likes the song “My Sharona,” and person B hates it, who is to say which one is right?

I am. Person B is right. “My Sharona” sucks. In fact, a tremendous number of songs suck, more songs than could ever fit in any book. And there are new ones coming along all the time. Even as you read these words, some young musician, somewhere, could be working on a song that will be
worse than any of the ones in this book
. Think of it!

And pray for nuclear war.

Credits

The following information was obtained from research and inquiries to those believed to control the lyrics from which the excerpts in the book were taken.

A. Permission was granted for use of the excerpted lyrics from the following songs, and those giving permission requested that information about the excerpts be set forth as follows:

1. Excerpts from “Wives and Lovers” first appearing at page 63, written by Hal David and Burt Bachrach, Copyright 1963 by Famous Music Corporation.
   
2. Excerpts from “Rose Garden” first appearing at page xiv, written by Joe South, believed to be owned by Lowery Music Co., Inc. Copyright 1967, renewal 1995.
   
3. Excerpts from “That’s Amore” first appearing at page 13, written by Jack Brooks and Harry Warren, Copyright 1953 (Renewed 1981) by Paramount Music Corporation and Four Jays Corporation.
   

B. Permission was granted for use of the excerpted lyrics from the following songs, and those giving permission did not give any instructions regarding how the information about the excerpts should be set forth:

1. Excerpts from “In the Year 2525” first appearing at page 34, written by Rick Evans, believed to be owned by Zerlad Music Enterprises.
   

C. Correspondence was exchanged with those believed to be the owners of the following songs. No agreement was reached on the terms by which permission would be granted. Therefore, permission was not granted:

1. Excerpts from “Teen Angel” first appearing on page 70, written by Jean D. Surrey, believed to be owned by Acuff-Rose Music, Inc.
   
2. Excerpts from “Last Kiss” first appearing at page 72, written by Wayne Cochran believed to be owned by Trio Music Co., Inc. and Fort Know Music Inc.
   
3. Excerpts from “Yummy Yummy Yummy” first appearing at page 21, written by Arthur Resnick and Joe Levine believed to be owned by Trio Music and Alley Music Corp.
   
4. Excerpts from “Horse With No Name” first appearing at page xv, written by Lee Bunnell, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
5. Excerpts from “I Got You Babe” first appearing at page 11, written by Sonny Bono, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
6. Excerpts from “Stairway to Heaven” first appearing at page 44, written by Roger Plant and Jimmy Page, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
7. Excerpts from “Wildfire” first appearing at page 37, written by Michael Murphy and Larry Cansler, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
8. Excerpts from “Wind Beneath My Wings” first appearing at page 42, written by Larry Henley and Jeff Silbar, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
9. Excerpts from “Young Girl” first appearing at page xvi, written by Jerry Fuller, believed to be owned by WB Music Corp and Warner Tammerlane Publishing.
   
10. Excerpts from “Rubber Ball” first appearing at page 31, written by Aaron Schroeder and Anne Orlowski, believed to be owned by A. Schroeder International LTD.
    
11. Excerpts from “Norman” first appearing on page 43, written by John D. Loudermilk, Copyright 1961 (renewed 1989) believed to be owned by Acuff-Rose Music, Inc.
    

D. Permission was granted by one, but not all, of those believed to be owners of each of the following songs:

1. Excerpts from “Magic Moments” first appearing at page 54, written by Hal David and Burt Bachrach, believed to be owned by Famous Music Publishing Corp and Casa David. Famous Music Publishing Corp. granted permission.
   
2. Excerpts from “Johnny Get Angry” first appearing at page 65, written by Sherman Edwards and Hal David, Copyright 1962 (Renewed) by Keith Valerie Music Corp, a division of Music Sales Corporation and Casa David, International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Music Sales Corporation granted permission and requested that the foregoing information be set forth as shown.
   
3. Excerpts from “Playground in My Mind” first appearing at page 40, written by Paul Vance and Lee Pockriss, Copyright 1971, 1973 by and Emily Music Corp. International Copyright Secured. All Rights Reserved. Music Sales Corporation granted permission and requested that the foregoing information be set forth as shown.
   
4. Excerpts from “Backfield In Motion” first appearing at page 60, written by Herbert McPherson and Melvin Harden, believed to be owned by Cachand Music Inc. and Patcheal Music. Patcheal Music granted permission and requested that the foregoing information be set forth as shown.
   

E. No response was received to requests for permission with respect to excerpts from the following songs.

1. Excerpts from “Tell Laura I Love Her” first appearing at page 73, written by Jeff Barry and Ben Raleigh, believed to be owned by Ben Raleigh Music Co.
   
2. Excerpts from “Ball of Confusion” first appearing at page 86, written by Norman Whitefield, believed to be owned by Jobete Music.
   
3. Excerpts from “I’ve Never Been To Me” first appearing at page 35, written by Ron Miller and Ken Hirsch, believed to be owned by Jobete Music.
   
4. Excerpts from “My Eyes Adored You” first appearing at page 55, written by Bob Crewer and Kenny Nolan Helfman, believed to be owned by Jobete Music and Kenny Nolan Publishing.
   
5. Excerpts from “Girl Watcher” first appearing at page 56, written by Buck Trail (Ronald B. Killette), believed to be owned by Drive-In Music Co., Inc.
   
6. Excerpts from “Lollipop” first appearing at page 16, written by Beverly Ross and Julius Dixon, believed to be owned by Edward B. Marks Music Co.
   
7. Excerpts from “Seasons In The Sun” first appearing at page 36, written by Rod McKuen, believed to be owned by Edward B. Marks Music Co.
   
8. Excerpts from “She’s Always A Woman” first appearing at page 67, written by Billy Joel, believed to be owned by Impulsive Music.
   
9. Excerpts from “Land of 1000 Dances” first appearing at page ix, written by Chris Kenner, believed to be owned by Longitude Music Co.
   
10. Excerpts from “Feelings” first appearing at page vii, written by Morris Albert, believed to be owned by Loving Guitar Music Inc.
    
11. Excerpts from “Girl is Mine” first appearing at page 59, written by Michael Jackson, believed to be owned by Mijac Music.
    
12. Excerpts from “Do That To Me One More Time” first appearing at page 29, written by Toni Tennille, believed to be owned by Moonlight and Magnolias, Inc.
    
13. Excerpts from “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” first appearing at page 42, written by Gordon Lightfoot.
    
14. Excerpts from “I Am, I Said” first appearing at page 3, written by Neil Diamond.
    
15. Excerpts from “Play Me” first appearing at page 3, written by Neil Diamond.
    
16. Excerpts from “Love To Love You Baby” first appearing at page 20, written by Peter Bellotte, Giorgio Moroder and Donna Summer, believed to be owned by Ricks Music Inc.
    
17. Excerpts from “Alone Again (Naturally)” first appearing at page 51, written by Raymond O’Sullivan.
    
18. Excerpts from “It Must Be Him” first appearing at page 64, written by David Mack, Maurice M. Vidalin, and Gilbert Francois L. Silly, believed to be owned by BMG Music Publishers, Cedex, France.
    

F. Permission to use the excerpts from the following songs was denied.

1. Excerpts from “Abracadabra” first appearing at page 55, written by Steve Miller, believed to be owned by BMG Songs, inc. and/or Sailor Music.
   
2. Excerpts from “Johnny Get Angry” first appearing at page 65, lyrics written by Hal David, print publisher Hal Leonard Corporation, believed to be owned by Casa David.
   
3. Excerpts from “Magic Moments” first appearing at page 54, lyrics written by Hal David, print publisher Hal Leonard Corporation, believed to be owned by Casa David and Famous Music Corp.
   
4. Excerpts from “(They Long To Be) Close To You” first appearing at page 54, written by Hall David and Burt Bacharach, print publisher Hal Leonard Corporation, believed to be owned by Casa David and New Hidden Valley Music.
   
5. Excerpts from “I am Woman” first appearing at page 39, written by Helen Reddy and Ray Burton, believed to be owned by Irving Music.
   
6. Excerpts from “Shut Down” first appearing at page 10, written by Roger Christian and Brian Wilson, believed to be owned by Irving Music.
   
7. Excerpts from “Diana” first appearing at page 23, written by Paul Anka, believed to be owned by Chrysalis Music.
   
8. Excerpts from “My Way” first appearing at page 23, written by Paul Anka, believed to be owned by Chrysalis Music.
   
9. Excerpts from “You Are My Destiny” first appearing at page 23, written by Paul Anka, believed to be owned by Chrysalis Music.
   
10. Excerpts from “(You’re) Having My Baby” first appearing at page 22, written by Paul Anka, believed to be owned by Chrysalis Music.
    
11. Excerpts from “Playground In My Mind” first appearing at page 40, written by Paul Vance and Lee Pockriss, believed to be owned by Emily Music Corporation.
    
12. Excerpts from “Signs” first appearing at page 41, written by Arthur Thomas, believed to be owned by Ensign Music Corp.
    
13. Excerpts from “Knock Three Times” first appearing at page 57, written by Irwin Levine and Russell Brown, believed to be owned by Forty West Music Corp. and Two One Two Music Co.
    
14. Excerpts from “Islands in the Stream” first appearing at page 66, written by Barry, Robin and Maurice Gibb, believed to be owned by Gibb Brothers Music.
    
15. Excerpts from “Him” first appearing at page 26, written by Rupert Holmes, believed to be owned by The Holmes Line of Records, Inc. and/or WB Music Corp and Warner-Tammerlane Publishing.
    
16. Excerpts from “Timothy” first appearing at page 24, written by Rupert Holmes, publication rights believed to be owned by Stanley Herman.
    
17. Excerpts from “Bobby Sox to Stockings” first appearing at page 32, written by Russell Faith and Clarence Wey Kehner, believed to be owned by MCA Music Publishing.
    
18. Excerpts from “Let ’Em In” first appearing at page 58, written by Paul and Linda McCartney, believed to be owned by MPL Communications, Inc.
    
19. Excerpts from “Live and Let Die” first appearing at page 58, written by Paul and Linda McCartney, believed to be owned by MPL Communications, Inc.
    
20. Excerpts from “My Love” first appearing at page 57, written by Paul and Linda McCartney, believed to be owned by MPL Communications.
    
21. Excerpts from “I Will Follow Him” first appearing at page 64, written by Norman Gimbel and Arthur Altman, believed to be owned by New Thunder Music Co.
    
22. Excerpts from “Honey” first appearing at page 30, written by Bobby Russel, believed to be owned by Polygram International Publishing, Inc.
    
23. Excerpts from “Laurie (Strange Things Happen)” first appearing at page 75, written by Milton C. Addington, believed to be owned by Polygram International Publishing, Inc.
    
24. Excerpts from “MacArthur Park” first appearing at page 27, written by Jimmy Webb, believed to be owned by Polygram International Publishing, Inc.
    
25. Excerpts from “Night Chicago Died” first appearing at page 40, written by Peter Callendar and Lionel Stitcher, believed to be owned by Polygram International Publishing, Inc.
    
26. Excerpts from “Running Bear” first appearing at page 74, written by J.P. Richardson, believed to be owned by Polygram International Publishing.
    
27. Excerpts from “All Shook Up” first appearing at page 59, written by Otis Blackwell and Elvis Presley, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
28. Excerpts from “Baby Don’t Get Hooked on Me” first appearing at page 33, written by Mac Davis, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
29. Excerpts from “Bird’s The Word” first appearing at page 14, written by Al Frazier, Carl White, Turner Wilson, Jr. and John Harris, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
30. Excerpts from “Bobby’s Girl” first appearing at page 32, written by Henry Joffman and Gary Klein, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
31. Excerpts from “Diary” first appearing at page 52, written by David Gates, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
32. Excerpts from “Don’t Say Nothin’ Bad” first appearing at page 68, written by Gerry Goffin and Carole King, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
33. Excerpts from “Dreams of the Everyday Housewife” first appearing at page 6, written by Chris Gantry, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
34. Excerpts from “Girls Grow Up Faster Than Boys” first appearing at page 67, written by Gerry Goffin and Jack Keller, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
35. Excerpts from “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)” first appearing at page 65, written by Gerry Goffin and Carol King, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
36. Excerpts from “If” first appearing at page 52, written by David Gates, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
37. Excerpts from “Leader of the Pack” first appearing at page 73, written by George Morton, Jeff Barry and Ellie Grenwich, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
38. Excerpts from “My Way” first appearing at page 23, written by Paul Anka, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
39. Excerpts from “The Name Game” first appearing at page 12, written by Shirley Elliston and Lincoln Chase, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
40. Excerpts from “Papa Oom Mow Mow” first appearing at page 14, written by Al Frazier, Carl White, Turner Wilson and John Harris, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
41. Excerpts from “Patches” first appearing at page 73, written by Barry Mann and Larry Kolber, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
42. Excerpts from “Physical” first appearing at page 33, written by Stephen Kipner and Terry Shaddick, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
43. Excerpts from “Tonight’s the Night” first appearing at page 56, written by Rod Stewart, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
44. Excerpts from “Treat Her Like A Lady” first appearing at page 67, written by Eddie Cornelius, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
45. Excerpts from “We Gotta Get You A Woman” first appearing at page 66, written by Todd Rundgren, believed to be owned by Screen Gems/EMI Music Publishing.
    
46. Excerpts from “Sometimes When We Touch” first appearing at page 48, written by Dan Hill, believed to be owned by Sony ATV Songs LLC.
    
47. Excerpts from “Judy’s Turn To Cry” first appearing at page 65, written by Edna Lewis and Beverly Ross, believed to be owned by Sony ATV Songs LLC.
    
48. Excerpts from “Muskrat Love” first appearing at page xviii, written by Willis Alan Ramsey, believed to be owned by Wishbone Music.
    
49. Excerpts from “Elusive Butterfly” first appearing at page 49, written by Bob Lind, believed to be owned by EMI Music Publishing.
    
50. Excerpts from “When the Red Red Robin Comes...” first apperaing at page 33, written by Harry M. Woods, believed to be owned by Bourne Company and The Songwriters Guild.