Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far) (6 page)

In a major upset at the Academy Awards, the Oscars for Best Film, Best Director, Best Screenplay, Best Actor and Actress, AND Best Supporting Actor and Actress all go to Tiger Woods.

And speaking of drama, in…

APRIL

…the tension in the Elián González case nears the breaking point as the boy's father flies to the United States and—this is a great country—immediately acquires a nice suit and roughly fifty lawyers. Meanwhile, the U.S. Justice Department demands custody of Elián, only to be shrewdly outmaneuvered by the Miami relatives, whose own lawyer squadron files legal briefs arguing that (1) there is no “Elián González” and (2) he is taking a nap. As tempers flare and street protests turn increasingly ugly, Miami-Dade County mayor Alex Penelas seeks to defuse the situation by sternly declaring that, in the event that people decide to riot, “we certainly won't stand in the way.”

The drama reaches its zenith in the predawn hours of April 22 when a team of U.S. Border Patrol officers is able to gain entrance to the Miami relatives' home through the clever ploy of knocking on the door and shouting, “Candygram for the Miami relatives!” The agents burst inside and snatch Elián from the arms of Donato Dalrymple, who has come to be known as “the Fisherman,” because it sounds better than “the Publicity-Grubbing Parasite.”

Within hours, the streets of Miami are filled with throngs of people shouting and blocking intersections. This is pretty much normal.

In another landmark legal action, the federal government's marathon antitrust case against Microsoft comes to an end when a federal judge finds the software giant guilty of being successful. In what will prove to be a fateful ruling, the judge orders Microsoft to split into two smaller companies, one of which will continue to make the Windows operating system, and the other of which will immediately begin manufacturing Firestone tires. In response, the NASDAQ, for the first time in its history, closes at exactly equal to
pi.

On the legacy front, President Clinton, with his official entourage of thirty-five hundred, flies to Tonga in hopes of brokering a historic peace agreement only to discover that, tragically, Tonga is an isolated island nation that has not been at war with anybody for centuries. Tongan officials express regret, and promise to give Mr. Clinton a holler if they spot any hostile-looking canoes or anything.

On a happier note, the 2000 Census goes smoothly, with preliminary results showing a shift in U.S. population from the Rust Belt to the Sun Belt, particularly Palm Beach County, which reports a gain of 157 trillion residents.

In sports, Vijay Singh wins the Masters Golf Tournament and is awarded the coveted green jacket, which is quickly snatched away by angry Buick executives and given to Tiger Woods.

And speaking of competition, in…

MAY

…the presidential race heats up as George W. Bush proposes an idea, which he came up with recently while reading an index card, that allows younger workers to take some of their Social Security money and, as the governor puts it, “investisize in the stocks market or professional baseball teams or whatever and thusly enjoy the labors of their fruits.” Vice President Al Gore immediately criticizes this plan as a “risky scheme” that could result in “millions of dead senior citizens,” which, in turn, “could impact global warming.” Polls show that this is a hot-button issue with the public, with 50 percent of likely voters wishing they had two other candidates to choose from and the other 50 percent agreeing.

In legacy action, President Clinton flies to Wales, where he holds high-level talks with a number of officials only to be informed that they are members of his own entourage.

In medicine, the American Academy of Pediatrics reports that it has finally tracked down seven-year-old Matthew Parmogaster, believed to be the only remaining boy in the United States not being treated for attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). A team of camouflage-wearing doctors is able to creep close enough to the youngster to bring him down with Ritalin-tipped blowgun darts.

In business news, United Airlines announces that it intends to purchase US Airways, a move that will enable United, in the words of its official statement, “to nearly double the number of daily flights that we cancel without warning.”

Computer networks around the world are temporarily paralyzed by an Internet virus called the “Love Bug,” which gets its name from the fact that it causes computers to mate with other types of office equipment. It is eventually brought under control, but not before spawning a host of Mr. Coffee machines capable of playing world-class chess.

In sports, Fusaichi Pegasus wins the Kentucky Derby, whipped to a strong finish by a nine-iron-wielding Tiger Woods.

In conservation news, the National Park Service, concerned about the buildup of unwanted brush in the Los Alamos, N.M., area, decides to solve the problem by setting a fire that burns down 260 homes. “We suspected that these homes might contain unwanted brush,” explains a Park Service spokesperson. This bold action does not go unnoticed by Florida citrus canker fighters.

Speaking of bold action, in…

JUNE

…Vice President Gore unveils his own plan to save Social Security via a complex system of tax credits, grants, loans, stern lectures, and mandatory home composting, which Gore would personally direct via a daily two-hour broadcast from the White House. Texas governor Bush, after being briefed on the Gore plan by aides using hand puppets, dismisses it as “an unwarrantied inclusion upon the whaddyacallit.” Polls show many voters looking into Norwegian citizenship.

Fears are raised that U.S. security has been seriously breached when the Los Alamos National Laboratory discovers that it has lost its nuclear secrets. Laboratory officials express shock, noting that the secrets were kept in a special secure box tied shut with two pieces of string and clearly marked
NUCLEAR SECRETS! DO NOT TAKE!
Fortunately, the mystery is solved a few days later when the secrets are discovered safe and sound in the home of a laboratory worker whose eight-year-old daughter, Amber, had taken them to her elementary school for a special show-and-tell session attended by the second through fourth grades and six special guests from China.

In weather news, the East Coast braces for what experts predict could be a busy hurricane season. Palm Beach County reports four feet of snow.

On a cultural note, the hugely popular TV show
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire
has its first million-dollar winner when an Ohio man correctly answers Regis Philbin's final question: “What color is my tie?” (Answer: “The same color as your shirt.”)

On the legal front, the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency announces a ban on molecules, which, according to an agency spokesperson “can join together and form chemicals.” Meanwhile, an obviously testy U.S. Supreme Court, in an 8 to 1 ruling, orders Antonin Scalia to stop cracking his damn knuckles.

In a historic international development ending fifty years of Cold War hostility, South Korean president Kim Dae-jung meets with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il. They sign a formal pact in which they agree to henceforth address each other as “Buddy,” then flee, escaping a warm Bill Clinton embrace by mere seconds. On a sadder note, Syrian president Hafez Assad dies; in an official statement, Vice President Gore recalls that he and Assad “often raced camels together,” while Gov. Bush extends “deepest sympathy for the widow, Mrs. President Syrian.”

Jeff MacNelly, a regular guy who was also a genius, leaves this world for one where beer is plentiful, cigars are welcome, and all the cars are 1959 DeSotos.

In sports, the U.S. Open is not actually held because it's more efficient to just mail the check to Tiger Woods.

And speaking of victories…

JULY

…begins with a stunning upset of the ruling party in the Mexican presidential election, which is won by underdog challenger Vicente Fox, aided by an unexpected 4.3 million votes from Palm Beach County.

In U.S. politics, George W. Bush meets with his top advisers, who inform him that, after careful consideration, he has selected as his running mate Dick “Dick” Cheney, thus balancing the ticket by including a person who speaks at least some English. Bush and Cheney are formally nominated at a convention in Philadelphia featuring a prominent display of minorities, some of whom—in a stark departure from GOP tradition—are not holding hors d'oeuvres trays. The convention is also marked by street demonstrations held by angry young people who hate capitalism and consumerism and are determined to fight these evils until it's time to go back to college.

In legacy action, President Clinton, desperate to forge a lasting Middle East peace, brings Yasser Arafat and Ehud Barak to Camp David. Finally, after two weeks of exhausting round-the-clock negotiations, the talks are broken off because neither man can remember what country he represents.

The U.S. missile defense system suffers yet another setback during a much-publicized test when an interceptor missile, which is supposed to hit a mock warhead high over the Pacific Ocean, instead slams into the newly refurbished Washington Monument. Military officials, seeking to put a positive spin on the mishap, note that the monument had “a very suspicious shape.”

In domestic news, the South Carolina state legislature, in a move that angers the state's traditionalists, votes to abolish slavery.

In Florida courtroom action, the jury in the civil lawsuit against cigarette manufacturers hands down a harsher than expected verdict, ordering a dozen top tobacco executives to be beheaded. In another controversial ruling, a federal judge orders Napster.com, the popular Internet music-exchange site, to “put some Wayne Newton on there.”

In cultural news, bookstores around the country are swamped with orders for the fourth Harry Potter book,
Buy This Book or Your Children Will Hate You.
U.S. profits total tens of millions of dollars, all of which will be paid to settle broomstick-related lawsuits.

Walter Matthau goes to that big, messy apartment in the sky. In sports, officials of the Baseball Hall of Fame correct a long-standing oversight by voting to induct Tiger Woods.

And speaking of winners, in…

AUGUST

…Vice President Gore, in a historic move, selects as his running mate Sen. Joseph Lieberman, who is a member of the Jewish faith, which Gore cofounded. Lieberman boldly declares that he is in favor of God, and demonstrates this by demanding that the Hollywood community “stop making disgusting and immoral movies” but “please continue to give us money.”

Lieberman is seen as a solid choice, but there is tension at the Democratic Convention in Los Angeles, where the Gore camp suspects that Bill Clinton is trying to hog the limelight. A Clinton staffer denies this, claiming that “security considerations” led to the decision to have the president enter the convention hall riding a chariot drawn by lions.

In other entertainment news,
Monday Night Football
debuts Dennis Miller, hired as a color commentator to boost ratings. The first broadcast goes well, as Miller interacts well with play-by-play announcer Britney Spears.

In consumer news, owners of certain models of Firestone tires receive a troubling notice from the manufacturer urging them to “lock yourself in your bathroom immediately.” Congress holds emergency hearings, but is unable to get testimony from Firestone tire designers, who are busy working on an improved new ballot for Palm Beach County.