Dave Barry's Money Secrets (21 page)

And so when we analyze the financial future of the Social Security system, the numbers do not look good, as we see in this disturbing chart:

The Troubled Financial Future of Social Security

SOURCE: Visa

As this chart clearly shows, the Social Security system is headed for bankruptcy and total collapse unless it is reformed soon. The good news is, the leaders of both major political parties are well aware of this looming disaster and the need for prompt, decisive action. The bad news is, our political leaders could not take prompt, decisive action if their undershorts caught fire. The Democrats and Republicans have been debating what to do about Social Security for years now without producing anything other than accusations that their opponents are lying vermin scum. This is true as far as it goes, but it doesn’t address the underlying problem.

So, to sum up your retirement situation:

So maybe you should consider some alternatives to retiring, such as . . . OK, here’s one:
not
retiring. Retirement is not necessarily a good thing, especially if you end up as an inmate in one of those “adult leisure communities” with a name like “Sunny Glades Glen III,” the kind that always describe themselves with the words like “fun” and “active,” as though they are one big wild happening party, when in fact many of the residents display no more vital signs than a frozen beef patty, and the “action” largely consists of elderly people driving golf carts to activities with names like “Low-Impact Senior-obics,” wherein an enthusiastic instructor, accompanied by peppy music,*
 
⁶²
leads participants through a workout routine providing about the same degree of cardiovascular stimulation as operating a stapler.

So maybe retirement isn’t so great. Maybe you’d be happier if you just kept working right on into old age. Of course, this might not be the best idea if you are, say, a brain surgeon:

YOU:
OK, I’m ready to open the patient’s skull. Nurse, hand me the saw.

NURSE:
You’re holding the saw.

YOU:
I am? (
Looking down
) So I am! Ha ha! And is this the patient?

NURSE:
No, that’s your assistant, Dr. Whelkmonger.

YOU:
Ah! So
this
must be the patient.

NURSE:
No, that’s an oxygen tank.

YOU
(
examining tank
): Does it have medical insurance?

Maybe it’s not such a great idea for you to continue working, either. But does that mean you have no options left for old age? Heck no! There is no call for that kind of “negative Nelly” thinking! You still have time to salvage your retirement! All you need to do is develop some financial discipline, develop a realistic budget, avoid frivolous spending, pay off your debts, and start putting away a meaningful amount of money each month for the future. Don’t be discouraged! You really
can
do it, if you put your mind to it and use your magic time-travel ring!

Note: You’ll want to look for a refrigerator carton. Those are the roomiest.

22

PLANNING YOUR ESTATE

Urg

Y
OU
A
R
E
GOING TO DIE. It’s an unavoidable fact of nature that sooner or later, everybody passes away, except Keith Richards.*
 
⁶³
So your time will definitely come—probably not today, probably not tomorrow. But definitely sometime next week.

If you’re like most people, though, you haven’t given much thought to what will happen after you die, because at that point—so your reasoning goes—you’ll be dead. You figure somebody else can deal with everything. This is also what keeps you from cleaning your garage.

This is a shortsighted and selfish attitude. There are some very important decisions that have to be made
before
you die, and
you
are the one who should make them.

The most important question, of course, is: What will your last words be? You should decide this in advance of kicking the actual bucket. If you wait until the last minute and have nothing prepared, you’re going to end up uttering some lame, spur-of-the-moment last words, such as “Urg,” or “Tell the nurse I have to make a number two.” Is that what you want? Do you want your loved ones’ final memory of you—your lifetime, your career, your accomplishments—to involve a bowel movement?

No, you want to leave them with some good, memorable last words, like the ones emitted by Civil War General John Sedgwick, who, moments before being fatally shot in the head in the battle of Spotsylvania, said: “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this distance.”*
 
⁶⁴
Granted, those are not
deep
last words, but they’re
funny.
I bet everybody was cracking up at John’s funeral.

If you don’t want to go with funny, you can go with poignant. The last words of Louise, Queen of Prussia, in 1820 were: “I am a Queen, but I have not the power to move my arms.” Of course you’d sound pretty stupid saying this if you were not, technically, a queen, but you could adapt it to your specific situation, as in: “I am the Cooterman Backhoe Rental Company’s Assistant Regional Manager for Northern and Central Kentucky, but I have not the power to move my arms.” A final quote like that is bound to produce feelings of admiration in your loved ones (“He must be on heavy drugs”).

Another option is to go with prank last words. Your model here is the great American writer Henry David Thoreau, whose last words were—this is absolutely true—“Moose . . . Indian.” Many people have tried to figure out what Henry meant by this, but it seems obvious to me: He was
messing
with people. Henry was a big kidder. So if you, like Henry, want to inject a note of fun into your final moments, consider saying dying words along these lines:

•                  “My only dying request is that you all not make a big fuss over me after I’m gone. All I ask is that you think of me sometimes. Also I want to be buried next to Elvis.”

•                  “I’m slipping away now. Everything is getting dark. Wait! I see a light ahead. . . . It’s getting brighter. . . . It’s . . . a Starbucks!”

•                  “Please send word of my death to my other spouse and children in New Zealand.”

•                  “Before I go, there’s something very important I must tell you all.
(Everybody leans closer.)
But first . . . Roo roo!”

Once you have your last words worked out, you need to give some thought to what you want done with your body after you die. May I make a suggestion here? Do NOT request to be cremated and have your ashes scattered at sea. This was a vaguely novel concept the first few hundred thousand times it was done, but these days
everybody
is being scattered at sea. Ships are running aground because of the dense fog of ashes swirling around the coastlines. The sea bottom is coated with a foot-thick layer of human sludge. Clams are dying needlessly by the millions.

The same goes for scattering ashes in a scenic land setting such as the Grand Canyon, which has been used so often for this purpose that it is now only about three feet deep. If you absolutely must have your ashes scattered, at least pick an original place, such as the “Small World” ride at Disney World, or a favorite salad bar.

An alternative to cremation is to have your body frozen, via a process called “cryogenics,” from the ancient Greek words
cryogen,
meaning “to transform,” and
ics,
meaning “into a human Dove Bar.” The idea here is that at some point in the future, medical scientists, having run out of other things to do, will figure out a way to bring frozen dead people back to life. So you’ll wake up in the year 2187*
 
⁶⁵
looking at some doctor who’s not even born yet, who will hand you a bill for—allowing for inflation—seventy-three billion dollars, leaving you with no sound financial option but to kill yourself.

If you don’t want to have anything funky done to your corpse, you can at least try to make your funeral entertaining. Remember: It’s your funeral, so
they have to do what you tell them.
For example, you can leave explicit written instructions stating that, next to your casket, you want a tip jar. You can have the clergy member conducting the service say: “Let us pause for a moment of silence, during which we should try not to picture Camilla Parker-Bowles naked.” Instead of some boring hymn, have the audience join together in singing the 1976 Captain & Tennille hit “Muskrat Love.” Instead of a eulogy, have an Amway representative explain to your friends and loved ones the amazing power of multilevel marketing.

If you have any time left over after working out your last words, your body disposal, and your funeral, you might also want to take a few moments to figure out what will happen to your estate. Of course, if you follow the advice in this book, there’s a strong chance you won’t
have
an estate. But just in case, by some miracle, you’re in danger of dying with a positive net worth, here’s some information about estate planning, in the helpful “Q-and-A” format:

Q. What is estate planning?

A. Estate planning is when you plan your estate.

Q. Are the answers going to get any more helpful?

A. No.

Q. Why do I need estate planning?

A. If you don’t have professional estate planning, a big chunk of your estate could be taken by taxes and lawyers.

Q. And professional estate planning will prevent that?

A. No, but it will guarantee that another chunk goes to professional estate planners.

Q. Do I need life insurance?

A. We put that question to the National Association of Life Insurance Salespersons Heavily Armed with Graphs.

Q. And what was their response?

A. They are surrounding your house right now.

Q. Do I need to make a will?

A. If you don’t have a will, you will die intestate.

Q. Is that bad?

A. It is if you’re a guy.

Q. Can I make my own will?

A. Yes, but you must use very specific legal wording, or it will have no more legal validity than a used Big Mac wrapper. Follow this format
exactly:

LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF (
YOUR NAM
E
)

I (
your name
), residing in (
your country
), (
your state
), (
your nine-digit zip code
), being of sound mind and having had no more than six beers so far today, do hereby at this juncture complete, finalize, conclude, and terminate the first sentence of this will. I further state, assert, affirm, declare, and just generally write down in writing that I hereby revoke, cancel, annul, rescind, retract, invalidate, and withdraw any previous will or codicil I may or may not have made, with the proviso and stipulation that I have no idea what a “codicil” is. I don’t think I ever made one. Maybe that time in Tijuana.

A
RTICLE
I
M
ARRIAGE AND
C
HILDREN

I am hereby legally owning up to one (
1
) spouse, (
name of spouse
), and a brood of children with the following monikers: (
monikers of children
). God knows I did my best.

A
RTICLE
II
T
HE
Q
UARTERING OF
S
OLDIERS

No Soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

A
RTICLE
III
T
HE
D
IVVYING
U
P OF THE
E
STATE

I would like to bequeath $3.5 million in cash to be divided equally among my heirs. I would also like to shower naked with
(name of hot movie star of the opposite gender such as Angelina Jolie).

But seriously, my heirs are welcome to go through

my stuff and, if they find anything of value, divvy it up however they want, with the proviso and stipulation that, if they find any pornography, particularly the May 2002 issue of
Humongo Garbonzo
magazine under the NordicTrack machine in the basement, I don’t know anything about that.

A
RTICLE
IV
N
OTE TO
M
Y
S
POUSE

Get rid of the damn NordicTrack. It was a mistake. I can admit this now that I’m dead. Also: It was me who peed in the laundry hamper at the Weeglemans’ party.

A
RTICLE
V
S
PECIAL
N
OTE TO
M
Y
C
O-
W
ORKER
H
ARRY
K
RAMPNER,
W
HO
S
AT IN THE
C
UBICLE
N
EXT TO
M
INE FOR
E
IGHT
L
ONG
Y
EARS

1.         Your views on U.S. immigration policy are ridiculous.

2.         This is also true of your views on pretty much everything else you pontificated about when you were supposed to be working.

3.         Basically, you are full of shit.

4.         If you think nobody in the office notices what you do with your nose-pickings, think again.

A
RTICLE
VI
A F
INAL
O
BSERVATION

The quality of basketball free-throw shooting, at both the college and professional levels, has become a
joke.

Signed,

(Your John Hancock)

John Hancock

Q. Are we still in the “Q-and-A” fformat?

A. Yes.

Q. What is a “Living Will”?

A. It is a document that tells doctors how hard you want them to try to keep you alive. Should they allow you to die, even if what you have is hemorrhoids? Or should they keep slapping electric paddles onto your chest and shouting “Clear!” long after insects have munched you down to a skeleton? Those are your two choices.

Q. Do you have any final words on estate planning?

A. Yes. They are “moose” and “Indian.”