Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need (13 page)

1. Never pee in the bidet
.

This is
extremely
important. This is how the Europeans separate the sheep from the goats, sophisticationwise. In fact, it’s a good idea, when you emerge from a European bathroom, to state in a loud yet casual voice, “Well, I sure didn’t pee in the bidet, ha ha!”

So the question is, what
are
you supposed to do with a bidet? The answer is:
wash your private parts
. Really. Now I know what you’re thinking,
as an American. You’re thinking: Wait a minute! Don’t they wash their private parts in the
shower?
The shocking answer is: no. Studies show that Europeans hardly ever even
take
showers. Highly sophisticated European cultures such as the French also wear the same underwear several days in a row, to the point where individual jockey shorts, when they are finally removed for laundering, have to be subdued with hammers. Thus you can easily see the need for some kind of major hygiene unit in the European bathroom, although you yourself, as an unsophisticated shower-taking American, don’t need to bother with it. But to avoid offending your European hosts, you should at
pretend
that you used it when you emerge from the bathroom. “Boy!” you should say. “My private parts are clean as a whistle!” (“Garçon! Mes partes de privatude sont net comme un sifflet!”)

As we mentioned earlier, Europe is actually made up of specific nations. Although most of them belong to the European Economic Community (NATO)—a multinational organization that administers tariffs, trade, bowling banquets, etc.—each nation has its own customs, traditions, and hand gestures. So the remainder of this chapter will be devoted to a country-by-country
breakdown, including helpful tips and points of interest. Although we have made every effort to ensure that this information is both timely and accurate, please bear in mind that (1) conditions are subject to change, and (2) we are a big fat liar.

Austria is a very wonderful country that we have fond memories of despite the fact that, when we went there, virtually every single person we dealt with tried to shortchange us. We’re sure that this was just a fluke, and we are certainly not going to dwell, in this fair and unbiased travel book, upon the fact that
virtually every single person we dealt with in Austria tried to shortchange us
. “Let bygones be bygones,” is our motto. Also several times people yelled at us for jaywalking. This will happen to you, in the stricter nations. People over there haven’t had a chance to develop an appreciation for American-style democracy, where it says right in the
Constitution
that you can jaywalk. But aside from the strictness and the

we found Austria to be a really wonderful place, really, even if they did accuse us, in a particularly nasty manner, of not having paid the rental-car deposit, and then, after a lengthy argument in which it finally became clear that we
had
paid it, they did not apologize at all, but in fact got even
nastier
, not that this is important, any more than the

that appeared to be sweeping the nation when we were there. Because the truth is that Austria has many really wonderful attractions, which unfortunately because of space constraints we are unable to list here.

Belgium is a small nation containing people who call themselves—this is true—“Walloons.” They are not ashamed of this at all. “I myself am a Walloon” is the kind of thing they say all the time. It’s called “Walloon Pride.” Belgium also contains people who call themselves “Flemings,” although fortunately there is no actual place called “Flem.” The result of this fascinating cultural mix is that Belgium has a number of official languages, including French, Dutch, German, Italian, Spanish, Greek, Latin, Cajun, Moldavian, and Frantic Arm Gestures.

HISTORY:
Because of poor planning on the part of its first king, Roger XVIXMN (1606-present), Belgium was originally located between Germany and France, which for several centuries declared war on each other as often as modern nations declare things like Cheese Appreciation Month. The result was that Belgium became what historians call “The Screen Door of Europe,” constantly getting slammed as various armies went racing through in both directions, often failing to wipe their feet. In the modern era this problem has been solved by moving Belgium to a safer location, up near the Netherlands, Denmark, Luxembourg, Iceland, and Canada, which are known collectively as “The Weenie Nations,” so it’s perfectly safe now. Although we ourselves would take a gas mask.

WHAT TO SEE IN BELGIUM:
They have a
bunch
of buildings.

WHEN TO GO:
This Wednesday would be good. But
not
next Monday, because Belgium has a dental appointment. It is also closed during the festival of the Six Kinds of Mustard.

There’s always plenty to see and do in Bulgaria!

Denmark (also called “Norway”) is best known as the original home of the prune Danish as well as the Vikings, who wore hats with horns sticking out of them, and for a very good reason: they were insane. But this did not stop them from being bold mariners who actually reached
North America before Columbus did, although they were stripped of the title when blood tests revealed that they had used steroids.

Modern-day Denmark is a tourism wonderland, boasting a year-round average temperature of 14 degrees Centipede (108 degrees Richter). The most famous city is Copenhagen, where Hans Christian Andersen wrote such pioneering children’s classics as
Horton Hears a Whom
and
The Ugly Teenaged Mutant Ninja Duckling
. While in Copenhagen you simply
must
take a stroll down Bjarnkvaalastraadenjkrn, taking a left on Kveljnorlagnarbenkanklen, then your first right onto Hralgnekjarnklenvaagendam. Go up to a man wearing a green overcoat and tell him: “The oyster owns a fine wristwatch.” He will know what to do.

England is one of four nations, along with Ireland, Scotland, and New Zealand, that make up the British Isles. England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English. Usually, however, when they get to the crucial part of a sentence they’ll use words that they made up, such as “scone” and “ironmonger.” As a sophisticated traveler, you should learn some British words so you can avoid communications mixups, as is shown by these examples:

Example 1: The Unsophisticated Traveler

ENGLISH WAITER
: May I help you?

TRAVELER
: I’d like an inedible roll, please.

ENGLISH WAITER
(confused):
Huh?

Example 2: The Sophisticated Traveler

ENGLISH WAITER
: May I help you?

TRAVELER
: I’d like an ironmonger, please.

ENGLISH WAITER
: Coming right up!

Speaking of food, English cuisine has received a lot of unfair criticism over the years, but the truth is that it can be a very pleasant surprise to the connoisseur of severely overcooked livestock organs served in lukewarm puddles of congealed grease. England manufactures most of the world’s airline food, as well as all the food
you ever ate in your junior-high-school cafeteria. Some traditional English dishes are Toad in the Hole, Bubble and Squeak, Cock-a-Leekie Soup, Spotted Dick, Bug-in-a-Bucket, Willie One-Polyp, Tonsil-and-Toast, Whack-a-Doodle Johnson, and Fester Pudding. Attractive displays of these dishes—some of them dating back to the sixteenth century—can be found in bars called “pubs,” where the English traditionally gather to drink, glance at the food, and continue drinking.

But the main attraction in England is history. You cannot throw a scone in England without hitting a hallowed ancient object such as the actual chair that King Ralph the Easily Amused sat in when he made peace with the Duke of Whomping in 1123. You should definitely visit as many of these historic sites as you can before you starve. Among the most important ones are:

The Tower of London:
This is the home of the Crown Jewels, a collection of gem-encrusted swords, headwear, plates, and utensils such as the priceless Spatula of India, all guarded by the famous “Beefeaters.” The Crown Jewels belong to the royal family, whose members tried for centuries to get them back, only to have their heads whacked off by the famous Beefeaters, which is why the royal family now uses paper plates.

Arizona Bridge:
This was originally located in Arizona, but was moved to London as a tourist
attraction in 1362 by King Eddreth the Big Fan of Onions.

Westminster Abbey:
This is an extremely old building where many famous dead British people such as John Milton,
²
Rudyard Kipling, and Charlie Watts are buried in the floor. It’s not clear why the British did this. The best we can figure is that it must have been raining very hard during the funerals, and somebody said, “What the hell, let’s just bury them right here in the floor.”