Dave Trellis and the Allotments of Doom (8 page)

‘
No
time Dave, getting away. Here, you in charge.’

Enoch
passed the small silver cylinder to Dave. The button on the end
glowed green. The huge golden spider was starting to step over the
walls.

‘
Got
to be now Dave.’

‘
I
can’t. She’s my only daughter.’

‘
It
gets away, she die like all humans. Just when and how Dave, just
when and how.’

‘
No
fucking way Enoch.’

‘
No
choice, no time. Do it,’ shouted Enoch.

Dave
looked up, the huge spider had two front legs over the wall; it was
almost free.

‘
Forgive me Abbey,’ said Dave, closed his eyes, and pressed
the button.

Everything
froze and the sound disappeared for a moment, then the recording
continued.

Dave
stood up and looked around; every single spider was gone. Hanging
against the outside of the wall were two enormous spider legs, cut
off where they crossed the boundary of the allotment.

‘
Why
am I still here? Enoch, what’s happened? Is Abbey alright? If I’m
here, she must be Ok?’

Enoch
stood up and looked at Dave, then hung his head.

‘
No
Dave, she gone.’

‘
How
can that be? If I am here, then humans must be
registered.’

‘
Don’t know Dave. Ask dogs’

The world
lurched and Fergus’s point of view shifted. He sat in a chair with
a beer in hand, the party in full swing around him and Enoch
staring.

‘Get it? Nice,
clear?’ asked Enoch.

‘Yes,
incredible.’

‘Seven years
ago, same party, no half-mast.’

‘How come Dave
survived?’

‘Registered
when planetary plenipotentiary. No one remember. Perhaps doggies
knew.’

‘So why didn’t
they tell him?’

‘Doggies are
hard, not cruel, but hard. See why Dave need company?’

‘Sure, but I
don’t think I’m the right person.’

‘Who else,
Rugby Boy?’

Enoch reached
over and tapped Fergus on the thigh.

‘We give strong
legs, make strong shoulders yourself. Need them soon. I tell Dave
bad news.’

Enoch stood
up.

‘What bad
news?’

‘Hear soon
Rugby Boy, go get drunk.’

Dave
Trellis

One
Life, One Woman, One Shed

Fergus felt
nervous, he knew no one and felt out of place. He drank too much
beer on an empty stomach and the late addition of food didn’t help
much.

He lurched
through the crowd, taking advantage of any solid support to adjust
his direction. He saw Dave and Enoch by the pavilion, crouched in a
huddle with a couple of dogs and headed that way. Spilling beer and
staggering he managed to stop before toppling over Dave.

Dave wiped beer
from the back of his neck and looked up at Fergus, his face
grim.

‘Wow, a
computer game,’ said Fergus, ‘brilliant display’.

‘Enoch, sober
him up,’ said Dave and hooked a thumb over his shoulder.

Enoch grinned,
swivelled round and jabbed a finger into Fergus’s leg, just above
the knee. Fergus felt an excruciating pain shoot up his leg and
into his balls. His arms shot out, throwing the beer glass away,
and his legs convulsed, launching him eight feet in the air turning
forward in a clumsy half somersault. Fergus would’ve crashed face
first into the huddle, but Enoch leapt up and grabbed him by the
throat and crotch. Holding the struggling Fergus above his head,
Enoch walked to the side of the pavilion.

Enoch threw
Fergus so that he landed feet first. Fergus hit the ground, bounced
as if on a trampoline, and launched himself at Enoch, who ducked
underneath grabbed Fergus and threw him back on to his feet
again.

Fergus jumped
and aimed a kick at Enoch, who swayed aside and held his ground.
Fergus threw a barrage of fast, hard punches at Enoch’s grinning
face. Everyone missed.

Suddenly Enoch
bent forward, his face so close their noses touched.

‘Enough!’
shouted Enoch, he stood back and held his hands up.

Fergus stopped
dead; his mind clear as an artic night.

Enoch threw an
open-handed slap directly at Fergus’s face. Fergus felt himself
sway backwards and his hand come up. The slap whistled past
Fergus’s face and he grabbed Enoch’s wrist and pulled him
forward.

Enoch stepped
into the pull and slipped inside Fergus’s grasp.

‘Shall we
dance?’ said Enoch and flipped Fergus over his hip.

Fergus sprawled
on the ground. He paused then looked up at Enoch, who nodded and
gave a little wave.

‘My tango is
rubbish,’ said Fergus and struggled to his feet. ‘What the hell was
that?’

‘Little monkey
brain frightened, ran away, old lizard brain took over,’ said
Enoch, ‘sober now?’

‘Yes, very
sober, everything looks sharp and focused. Seriously Enoch, what
was that? I was there, but I didn’t do any of it.’

‘Part palaver
leg muscles, but mostly human brain. All monkeys got it; never use
it. Good yar?’

‘Hell yes, I
feel eight foot tall.’

‘My world,
Rugby Boy,’ said Enoch and grinned, ‘Come, see the bad news.’

‘Hang on a
minute,’ said Fergus. He took three steps and threw up in the
flower border.

Fergus stared
at the large hemisphere showing a clear, crisp image of all the
allotments. Little ant-like dogs and Palaver rushed around the
tiny, slow moving humans. In the centre was a horde of spiders, the
largest looking like a crab in a rock pool. Around the edge various
graphs and figures changed constantly.

‘So you reckon
with enough Palaver in full combat gear we can hold them off?’
asked Dave.

‘Yar, we can do
it. The doggies handle little ones, we cut big ones down to size,’
said Enoch.

‘What’s this?’
asked Fergus, ‘Is it Enoch’s recording or some sort of video game?
We can make a fortune out of the technology.’

‘It is a one
tenth battle simulation of an imminent attack by a bunch of
anti-social insects that look a bit like spiders,’ said Dave, ‘Hang
on a minute, Enoch’s recording?’ He stared at Enoch, ‘Did you show
him?’

‘For best
Dave,’ said Enoch.

‘Bugger best, I
can do without the sympathy.’ Dave sighed, ‘Any road, so now you
know, what do you think?’

‘Nuke ‘em from
orbit, it’s the only way to be sure,’ said Fergus.

Dave snorted,
‘Show him.’

The simulation
reset and a green glow appeared in the miniature courtyard. Fergus
watched the first wave of spiders arrive. There was no opposition.
The spiders spread out, running over the bridge into the parklands
around the allotments.

‘Ok hit them,’
said Dave and the screen became a blinding white dome. When it
cleared there was nothing left of the allotments.

‘Pan out,’ said
Dave and the viewpoint zoomed upwards. It showed a tiny destroyed
Huddersfield, all the houses and building flattened.

‘Figures?’
asked Dave.

‘100 thousand
dead, 250 thousand over two days,’ said Enoch.

In the middle
of the display a tiny little green dot glowed.

‘Second wave
arriving unopposed,’ said Dave pointing to the centre of the
display, ‘So what do you think of your plan now?’

Fergus had a
moment to feel embarrassed, before the whole screen went white
again. When it cleared, all it showed was a huge boulder field
floating in space.’

‘What?’ said
Dave, ‘Looks like we blew up the whole planet?’

One of the dogs
barked and yowled.

‘Ah, not so
resilient after all. Nukes are out lad, unless you want to start
looking for a new world.’

‘What about the
Army and the RAF? Napalm should be effective,’ said Fergus.

‘Well it’s an
option,’ said Dave, ‘I do have certain arrangement that may suffice
in obtaining surreptitious military assistance, though an air
strike means we stop fighting and get clear. We ran a couple of
scenarios earlier and the armed forces just got in the way. The
artillery ended up killing more dogs and Palaver than spiders.’

‘More
importantly,’ continued Dave, ‘if the army get involved, it means
exposing the allotments, which means the end of visits and everyone
has to find a new home.’

‘But we can’t
risk one of those spiders getting away,’ said Fergus.

‘I know that,’
said Dave, annoyance creeping into his voice, ‘It is a bit of a
bloody dilemma, hence us trying to find a different solution.’

‘Hang on a
minute,’ said Fergus, ‘surely you can just use the little cylinder.
One press and foom, all gone.’

‘According to
the dogs it doesn’t work anymore,’ said Dave.

‘How do they
know?’ asked Fergus.

Dave looked at
Enoch.

‘Tested it,’
said Enoch.

‘How did they
manage that?’ asked Dave, ‘They would need something to test it
on.’

Enoch turn
slightly away, made sure that only Dave could see his hand, and
pointed at Fergus.

Dave’s eyebrows
shot up. He turned to the dog nearest him.

‘You miserable
bunch of canine arseholes,’ shouted Dave and stood up.

‘Where the hell
do you get off pulling a stunt like that? This is not your planet.
You’re bloody guests here.’

The dog’s
hackles rose and it barked loudly at Enoch.

‘Never mind
him,’ said Dave, ‘It’s you lot that used a human being as a lab
rat.’

‘What?’ asked
Fergus; everyone ignored him.

The dog barked
and yowled.

‘I don’t care
if he was an unknown, worthless, waste of skin. It happens, he was
human and a guest on my allotments; thus under my care and
protection. You pull a stunt like that again and the lot of you are
out on your ear. Get me?’ asked Dave in a loud, measured voice.

The dog growled
something.

‘I’ll find a
way. There are at least five thousand fit and healthy men in
Huddersfield alone. How do you like them odds Toto?’

The dog
muttered and growled something, then barked loudly.

‘Hmm ok,
apology accepted,’ said Dave, ‘And you owe the lad a favour. A dog
favour mind, none of your sly little wrangles.’

The dog barked
again.

‘Right now
that’s sorted, let’s move on. We have seven days to prepare.’ Dave
paused, ‘Hang on. How sure are we of their arrival time?’

‘Absolutely
sure Dave,’ said Enoch, ‘Always same and only return once.’

‘Creatures of
habit no doubt, right then a week to go. We beat the buggers off
this time and we’re done. Enoch, I want you to spread the word off
world, get as many as are willing to come.’

‘Rules of
engagement?’ asked Enoch.

Dave looked at
one of the dogs. It gave a short bark and Enoch grinned.

‘You dogs can
call back all those wandering mutts with dyed black fur.’

A dog
yowled.

‘You think I
didn’t notice?’ said Dave, ‘You must think I’m daft. No hold hard a
minute, what am I talking about. We couldn’t keep them away with a
sharp stick once they know there’s a scrap on.’

Dave sighed. ‘I
suppose I better send word to the other lot, though they’ll never
come.’

‘Other lot?’
asked Enoch.

A dog barked
and Enoch looked embarrassed. ‘Oh, them. Sorry Dave.’

Everyone was
quite for a while then Dave spoke.

‘Plan A. Dogs;
try and get the button working again and prepare the allotments.
Enoch and his troupe; spread the word. Me and the lad here will try
and find some other options. Plan B, we abandon the allotments and
the Army get some unexpected artillery practise. All agreed?’

Enoch banged
his fist into his forehead and the dogs barked. Dave looked at
Fergus, who nodded. The huddle dispersed and Fergus, a sly grin on
his face, went to find someone he met earlier, and it wasn’t
Boadicea.

The Murgatroyd
Atherton had hardly moved when Fergus found it. He saw an
indentation in the grass and he realised why the murgatroyds kept
the grass trimmed.

‘Atherton?’
said Fergus. Large blue words shimmered in the air.

REQUEST FOR
COMMUNICATION – CHIMERA NOT DESIGNIGNATED

RESPONSE – WHAT
IS YOUR ORIGINATION?

‘Hold on a
minute, we need to make a deal. I need to know how to save the
allotments.’

RESPONSE – MORE
INFORMATION.

‘How can we
fight off the spiders and save the allotments? If we call up the
army, the allotments end up as part concentration camp, part
science experiment.’

RESPONSE –
ASSESMENT INDICATES FAILURE TO REPULSE INVASION. HUMANS AUTHORITIES
NOT RELEVANT. INVADERS NO THREAT TO THE CONCLAVE.

WHAT IS YOUR
ORIGINATION?

‘You assessment
is flawed. If the Army get involved and the spiders are not
repulsed, Huddersfield will be a battlefield for years to come. If
things get really bad and they decide to drop a nuke, our
assessment is that the machine will blow up, taking the planet with
it.’

RESPONSE –
HUMANS DO NOT HAVE NUCLEAR FISSION TECHNOLOGY.

WHAT IS YOUR
ORIGINATION?

‘Ha, I thought
you were well informed. Humans have had nuclear fission technology
for sixty year and basic fusion technology for thirty. We are on
the verge of creating fusion reactors.’

There was a
long pause.

RESPONSE –
INFORMATION CONFIRMED. RE-ASSESSMENT INDICATES SITUATION DISTURBS
HARMONY OF CONCLAVE.

FETCH A
STONE.

Fergus puzzled
by the request, scrabbled in the earth until he found a small lump
of limestone. He held it up.