Days Like This (9 page)

THE NEXT MORNING, Bobby met
me outside by my truck. I didn’t really like Bobby, but he was the only one who
would work for free since he owed me a favor after ditching three projects.
Honestly, I was surprised he showed up at all.

“What are we
doing?” he asked.

“Fixing a
wall. Easy repair. A day, maybe two.”

He nodded and
spit some of his chewing tobacco on the ground. He walked with me to Cass’s
house. Joyce let us in, all smiles and nods when I introduced Bobby. Cass
wasn’t as enthusiastic. Bobby had been a year ahead of me in school, and two
ahead of her, and when he saw Cass, he acted like he was her best friend.

“Cassie Harlen!”
Bobby said, wrapping his arms around her. She squirmed, and tried to pull away,
but he didn’t take the hint.

“Bobby
Littrell,” she said weakly. He held on, and with every second, I felt myself
getting annoyed. I shouldn’t have felt like that, but I did.

He finally let
go of her.

Cass plastered
on a smile, but I knew it was fake. Through her teeth she said, “Graham didn’t
mention you were coming.”

“Two person
job,” I said. She sent me her annoyed look. At least she hadn’t changed so much
that I couldn’t read her facial expressions. “We’ll be in and out,” I said.

Bobby laughed.
“That’s what she said.”

Cass forced a
bigger smile, and turned on her heel away from us. I wanted to get this job
done and get out of here. Bobby was merely here to run interference. I knew if
he was here, Cass wouldn’t come near me. I wanted her near me, so the barrier
was needed.

“Are you still
seeing her?” Bobby asked.

“What?”

“You know, is she
available for…” He made a circle with one hand, and pushed the other finger
through it. I wanted to punch him. He stared at me.
Was he seriously waiting for an answer?

“She’s not
available,” I snapped.

“Oh, so you
two are…?” he asked. I stared at him. “What happened to your other one?”

“I’m not.”

“So she is?”

“No,” I
snapped. Bobby looked like he was going to say something else so I said, “She’s
not into guys anymore.”

Bobby smiled.
“Hot.”

I really
wanted to punch him.

I RE-ROUTED MY morning run to
go away from the Harlen house. Avoidance seemed the best way to go, and almost
a month in I still didn’t know what to say to Cass, or what not to say, or why
I even wanted to be in her life. It was easier to not be. Then I could leave
this town the next chance I got and Cass wouldn’t miss me. It was a good plan.
It was already the middle of May; I could make it another few months.

I rounded the
corner near my place and Cassie was outside my door.

Or not.

My stomach
jumped at the sight of her. How could she prance over here in that little blue
sundress like it was nothing?

 It is nothing
. And that dress was just a piece of
fabric that made her legs look really long.

Every time I
saw her it was like being punched in the fucking gut. That’s why I really
re-routed my run, why I didn’t answer when she texted me, and why I made sure
to be as out of her life as possible.

“Hey,” she
said.

Fuck me.

“Hey,” I said
back, not looking at her, but I could still see her in my peripheral vision. Her
short hair tucked behind her ear, as she shifted on her feet and bit the side
of her jaw. That little blue dress and the way it flowed off her hips and hit
her thigh. She stepped in front of me so I was forced to look down at her.

“Can we be
friends?” she asked.

Of all the
things I imagined Cassie Harlen might say to me, that was not one of them.
Can we be friends?
What could that even be? Could we go back
to friends after everything?
Hell.

“I just mean—”
she started. She crossed and uncrossed her arms. “I know things have been weird
with us, but I’m here now. I’m back. And you’re here and you live next door.
You are important to me, Graham.”

“Important?” I
raised an eyebrow. I didn’t know what that meant. I was important to her when I
proposed, when she said yes, and when she left. I didn’t want to be that
important to her.

She nodded. “I
know I destroyed your trust, but I would like to start over. As friends.”

“Start over.”
I let the words roll off my tongue. Start over with Cass.

I’d hoped for
that so many times before. That one day she’d wake up and come home and ask me
to start over. In all my imaginary scenarios, I agreed. But now, but this,
today, I didn’t know what starting over would mean. I started to shake my head
when she touched my arm. Did she know touching my arm felt like a thousand
needles all over my body? She dropped her hand back to her side.

Cass bit the
side of her jaw. At least this was weird for her. Me too. “You were my best
friend for all my life, and it would mean a lot if you would still like to be
some sort of friend. I hate that you live here and I can’t even come say hello.
I want to hang out with you and it not be weird.”

“Not be
weird?” I asked. I was only repeating what she was saying, but it was trying to
sink in. Cassie wanted to be my friend. She wanted to start over, as some sort
of friend. For it not to be weird. It was definitely weird. It would always be
weird.

“Can we try?”
she asked.

I glanced off
into the distance, away from her face so things could make sense.

She was right.
We’d been best friends before. Way before I kissed her and long after that. We
had a relationship before we were together; maybe we could have a messed up,
semi-one now. That was how friendships started, so it could be natural if we started
at awkward. I’d already seen her naked—a lot—and she’d already broken my heart,
so I didn’t need to expect anything else from her.

Plus, I had
nothing she could break this time.

“I don’t
know,” I said. Her smile deflated, and that did me in. “I mean, we can try.”

VOICES DRIFTED UP to me from
downstairs, and I paused to listen. It was Graham, and I bolted down the stairs
as quickly as I could. He stood in the kitchen, arm outstretched on the
doorframe and looking out the back door into the yard. Just having him near
made me smile. It was automatic, like breathing, natural. I paused to study him
there; the boy I’d always loved, the boy who knew every single part of me
better than I did. I couldn’t see his face, but I didn’t have to in order to
know every curve of it. It was in my memory, burned there like his touch and
his lips and his laugh. Graham Tucker was part of me, a large part, and that
would never change.

I told him two
days ago that I wanted to be friends, and I did. I could accept that we were
different, that I couldn’t be with him, and I would be okay. But never speaking
to him again wasn’t something I couldn’t give up. The thought of it knotted up my
stomach. I wanted to be able to be only his friend, at least partly, but Graham
still had so much of me. I hoped I could move on as much as I wanted to, as
much as he had.

Mom was
pointing out a few spaces around the house when I cleared my throat.

“Everything
okay?” I asked.

Mom waved me
off. “Graham is going to fix the AC. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Graham looked
me up and down. I was still in my pajamas—a pair of short shorts and a
spaghetti-strap tank top. Graham’s eyes explored every inch of me, and his gaze
on me gave me goosebumps. A slight flush filled his cheeks, and I thought of
before. How before there would be no lingering looks, but him pulling me into
his arms and giving in to any impulse. How his lips would trace paths on my
neck, and his fingers would trail over my skin.

I met Graham’s
gaze, and saw the familiar look of desire there. I wasn’t the only one
remembering. If he was remembering, did that mean he wanted us again? I shook
my head.
Stop thinking
about that. You’re friends now.

He cleared his
throat. “I’ll get started.”

Then he was
out the front door. I gave Mom a disapproving look. “What are you doing?”

Mom shrugged,
and slid her shoes on. “He’s good at fixing things. He did it all the time
while you were gone.”

“I’m not gone
now.”

“Do you know how
to fix the air conditioner?” she asked.

I shook my
head. Mom looked at me for a second, appraising and satisfied with herself. Then,
she poured me a glass of sweet tea. “Are you coming with me today? Dr. Lambert
really wants to do the family session.”

Family
session. Dr. Lambert thought it would be good for both of us to speak with her.
It would help me get some answers and closure; it would help Mom understand
what her episodes did to me and why it was important for her to stay on her
meds. The whole thing seemed like a bad idea, which was why I’d been avoiding
it for three weeks now. I didn’t want to talk about the past, about the
mistakes. I wanted to move forward.

“Can we do it
later?” I asked.

Mom sighed.
“What are you going to do here all day? Stalk Graham?”

“I don’t
stalk,” I said, grabbing my tea and sitting at the bar.

She huffed and
kissed my head. “You should talk to him.”

“I did. We
agreed to be friends a few days ago. He even answered one of my texts.” Even
the word was strange. Graham and I were friends. Not best friends. Not enemies
or exes.
Friends.

“Friends?” Mom
asked.

I nodded. Mom
didn’t say anything else, but I could tell she had other thoughts. Luckily, I
didn’t have to ask what they were because the car honked, and she left to go to
therapy.

I watched
Graham from the window. This was not stalking. He met my gaze, and I didn’t
move. We stared at each other through the glass, and my mind drifted from Mom’s
words to the memory of his touch and my heart raced. I touched a finger to my
lips, and Graham broke his stance outside with a weak wave. I waved back before
bolting upstairs.

I can be
your friend // I can lend a hand/ I can smile // nod and tell you my plans // I
can listen, pretend // call you my friend // but in my heart // you’ll be more
// what you were before // with your lips // and your hands // and the way we
began // all fire and spark // and every inch of my heart // it’s what I want
you to be again // and none of that is like a friend

I THREW A hammer at the air conditioning
system. Piece of shit thing. I didn’t know what was wrong with it. Everything
should be working. All the wires were connected but the fan wouldn’t start.
This thing was probably a goner.

“Want some
water?” Cass asked. I glanced up and she came toward me with a glass of water.
With each step something inside me jumped in anticipation of being near her. I’d
been thinking about her all morning, ever since I saw her in the hallway and
she looked so beautiful there. Earlier when I watched her through the window,
before she saw me, and just stared because having her here, even though she
wasn’t with me, was right. I hated myself for it; I wanted to see her and feel
nothing.

But I did. I
felt more than I wanted to admit. I was probably a goner, too.

She held out
the glass, and our fingers grazed. I let my fingers linger near hers, her cool,
smooth skin to my warm, rough skin. It was perfectly comfortable, like my hands
were supposed to be there.
Except they aren’t.

“Thanks,” I
said, pulling back the glass.

Cassie nodded.
“Any luck?”

I gulped the
water down in one sip. “No idea.”

“Thanks for checking
it out,” she said.

“I think I’m
going to go,” I said. “You should call someone else about it.”

“Okay,” she
said, moving to sit on the steps.

I guess that
was it. I gathered my tools and my flannel and took a couple steps toward my
house. Something stopped me. She seemed upset about something.
Don’t talk to her about this. Walk away.

“You okay?” I
asked.
So much for
walking away.

 
I lowered myself next to her on the step.
We sat close together there, legs only less than an inch from touching. I knew
it was as close as I could get before I lost control of my senses. Cass
stretched one arm out over her leg so her fingers dangled at her knee. Her
fingertips brushed my leg, and it was only a second, but it sent shocks through
my body. My fingers twitched to reach out for hers, to connect our bodies in
some simple way so she was part of me again. Being around her was a drug, and I
wanted to have some. Any closer and I’d be in trouble.

“It’s hard
being here, you know?”

Shit, I knew.
It was always hard being here, especially after all this. She was different
now, and I still didn’t know why. I didn’t know what I’d done to her to make
her leave like that. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t think I’d like the answer. If
we were moving on, there was no reason to drudge it up.

“I thought I
had it together, and now I’m back and I feel like I don’t know where I’m going
next. What happens tomorrow?”

I scoffed.
We’d had this conversation a hundred times in our life. Cassie was never sure
of where she wanted to be; as long as it wasn’t Lumberton, North Carolina, she
would be happy. I lowered myself to the spot beside her.

“You can’t
live your life in fear of what could be or you’ll never live it.”

Cass looked at
me, her blue eyes piercing into mine. “That’s the Graham I know.”

“I’m still the
same.”
You’re the one
who’s changed.

“No, you’re
not,
Mikey
.”

She laughed
and bumped my shoulder. My whole body responded to the touch, and it seemed
like every cell of me was a frayed nerve ending that Cass could make react. I
gritted my teeth to hold myself back from her. How could her being gone make
her touch more electric than before?

 “They call me
that at work. That’s all. You, Mrs. H and Mom are one of the few people who
called me ‘Graham
,’”
I said tightly. I was trying to keep my composure
here and she wasn’t making any of it easy. Not with her touches and her smile
and her being Cass.

Cass laughed,
and the sound was sort of awesome. So warm and light. I missed that, too.

“Why are you working
with James, anyway?”

I shrugged. “I
needed money and people around town needed help. I fell into it, but the pay is
good and when I’m at Rice I’ll be a little better off.”

“You’re really
going?” she asked.

“I’m on the
wait list, but I’m holding out. Should be any day now.”

Cass looked at
me, really looked at me, and I wondered what she was thinking. Did she think
this was a crazy plan? Did she wish I wasn’t going? Did she really care about
it at all?

“You’ll get
in,” she said, brushing away a piece of her loose hair. I used to be the one
who did that. “I have no doubt.”

I smiled
softly. Whatever she’d been through, she was still so sure of me. She’d told me
she hadn’t been so sure of herself, of what she wanted, for a long time, but
you’d never know it from looking at her. She’d carried herself with so much
confidence. At least I’d thought. “What about you? What’s next?”

She took off
her flip-flop, slid it back on. “I don’t know yet.” Silence spread between us,
but it was brief. “I was thinking about Texas, but it’s pretty hot there. I
heard that was why they all liked to wear hats.”

I laughed. She
was thinking about Texas. She didn’t mean that, so I let it go. “I’m pretty
sure that’s not true.”

Cass pushed me
gently, bringing back those rumbles in my body. If this was my new reaction to
her then I wanted her to touch me again and never stop. “Then, why do you think
they all wear those cowboy hats? You should get one of those cowboy hats.”

“I’m not
getting a cowboy hat,” I said with a smile. This was Cassie—a glimpse of her,
anyway. The one who was laughing next to me and joking, almost like we used to.

“You’d look
good in a cowboy hat,” she said, staring again.

I met her gaze,
and in her eyes I saw more than I could explain. A past that was so entwined
there was no distinction between her and me. The future that I’d wanted for us
where we were together and we had everything we wanted because the most
important thing was each other. And I saw the present, the right now, where we
were strangers sitting on a porch. Strangers who could never really be strangers
because we knew each other in and out. I reached out and pushed that piece of
hair behind her ear. I had to touch her, to remind myself that the past was
over and the present was some messed up reality where we’d never get that
future I wanted. But maybe I could be okay with another future where Cassie and
Graham are completely just friends.

I pulled my
hand away and leaned back against the step. “Tomorrow, we should go do
something fun.”

“Something
fun?”

I nodded.
“Yeah. Go somewhere. Friends can go places, right?”

I hoped the
answer was yes, because otherwise, I shouldn’t have asked that question. This
was fire. Friend or not. What was I doing?

“Yes,” she
said. She smiled, and her whole face was practically glowing. I loved that I
was the one to put that smile there. Even as an awkward some kind of friend. I
could do this. I was hanging out with a friend. A friend who made me feel like
I could walk through fire or scale buildings and walk away without a scratch. A
friend I’d sacrifice anything for, as crazy as it was to do that.

 “Graham?”
Molly called. I jumped up from the stair and started to walk toward her, but
she was already on her way over. She’d already spotted Cassie next me. “What
are you doing?” she asked.

“I was helping
out with some things around here,” I said, moving closer to Molly. I hadn’t
told her that the girl in the hospital was Cass. I had to get out of there.
“I’m done for now though.”

“I’ve seen you
before,” Molly said. She focused past me on Cassie. “At the hospital. I’m
Molly.” She held out her hand.

Cass shook her
head and reached for Molly’s hand. “Right, you’re the girlfriend. I’m Cassie.”

Molly’s eyes
darted toward me, and her mouth made a little O. In a flash, her focus was back
on Cass. “I didn’t realize the connection.” Molly studied the house. I was in
trouble for not telling her everything about Mrs. H and the fire and the girl
next door being the girl in the hospital.

 “We should
go,” I said, and I dragged Molly away before anything else was said.

We were going
into my apartment when she said, “That was Cassie?”

“Yep.”

“And her mom
was the neighbor in the hospital? The one you saved from the fire?”

“She was.”

“And she’s back
now?”

“Yep.”

“How long?”

“Don’t know?”

“And you’re
hanging out with your ex?”

“She’s just my
neighbor.”

Molly raised
her eyebrow, as if she was waiting for me to say something else. I didn’t say
it. I should’ve said other things. I should’ve said there’s nothing between us,
that she’s only an old friend, a part of who I used to be, but when I was about
to say it, I couldn’t.