Dead Clown Barbecue (14 page)

See? Right here in the drawer. Do you want me to snap on my end first, or have you do yours first? Does it matter? I didn't think so; I'm just erring on the side of caution. Here we go. Kind of awkward, but not too bad. My car's in the garage if you're ready. I'm not going to disrespect you by asking if you want to keep your hatchet in the trunk. I guess as long as nobody can see it through the window we'll be fine. Ready? Good.

Let me know if the A/C is okay. It doesn't always work that well. Do you have a favorite radio station? I listen to pretty much anything but rap. I'm not even sure if they still make rap.

No, I don't have to talk all the time. Just let me know when you see a decent potential victim.

What about her? Yeah, she's my type; I'm making sure she's yours. I mean, obviously since you were going to kill me I know that I'm your type of prey, but I'm certainly not
my
type of prey, so I'm happy to go with whatever type you pick. Too old? That's fine. We'll keep driving.

Her? Ummmm . . . I don't know. I mean — I'm just — I'm not big on kids, okay? Not that young, anyway. You can laugh. I'm not offended.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

Her? I don't know . . . seems too risky. We should stick to back roads. If we just try to snatch somebody off this street, we'll get caught for sure. Let's pull in here and wait. This is a nice place to hang out, right? An appropriate victim will be by soon, I'll bet.

The cat would be okay, I suppose. I've moved past that era in my life, but it might be fun, for old time's sake. A little cat-killing nostalgia.

You're just playing around, aren't you?

Toying with me.

Fine.

You must be one of those guys with nothing to lose. Here I am trying to live a long, happy life, but you figure you're going to die young anyway, so you might as well throw caution to the wind. Have a good laugh at my gullibility while we drive around in handcuffs. Ha ha. Clever.

If you're going to kill me, get it over with. Slam that hatchet right into my face. I'm not playing your stupid game anymore. I tried to be a nice guy, tried to form a friendship, but if you're just here to ridicule me I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. Go to hell. Go on, chop my head off while we're driving.

Ow! Goddamn it!

You sick son of a bitch! I'll kill you! I swear I'll kill you!

No, no — please don't! Just — just — just take the hand as a souvenir, okay? Start a collection. Don't kill me. Don't hurt me anymore.

Yes, I am. I'm pathetic. I know it. I'm too pathetic for you to kill, right? Oh, God, it
hurts
.

I'm going to pass out.

Please let me go.

Die, fucker! Die! Eat dashboard, you son of a bitch! Yeah, that's right! How does that feel, huh? Feel good? Miss your teeth yet? Yeah! Yeah! You fucked with the wrong serial killer!

Look at that mess your face made. Lick it up. I said
lick it up
. Not so tough now, are you?

I think we'll go somewhere more private.

Ah, this is nice. I love it when the leaves change color in autumn, don't you? The cool, crisp air — makes you feel alive. Enjoy it while you can.

Keep screaming. Don't be mellow on my behalf.

Does your poor ouchie hurt? Look at all those ouchies. Well, I guess you
can't
look at them, not anymore, but just form a mental picture of lots of ripped flesh and spurting blood and you'll get the general idea.

Have mercy? Oh, sure, why not?

I have to admit, I like the way this hatchet feels. Maybe it's time for an upgrade.

Gonna start a new collection.

DRAIN BAMAGE

Yes, I dropped my baby sister.

Not on purpose. God, no.

It happened while I was babysitting her. She was six months old, and I'd just turned nine. Too young to be responsible for an infant, but to be fair to my mom, she hadn't gone out for a wild night on the town or anything like that. All she did was ask me to watch Laurie for a few minutes while she went to talk to our next-door neighbor. Laurie was asleep in her crib, so it really shouldn't have been a big deal.

The thing is, when you're nine, you don't necessarily obey all of your mother's instructions. Such as, oh, I don't know, the one about not taking your baby sister out of her crib. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I just wanted to pick her up. She didn't wake up as I lifted her, but she did when I walked around the living room with her - I don't think I was holding her right.

She started to squirm and cry, and before I could get her back into the crib, she slipped out of my hands. Laurie hit the ground, headfirst.

The floor was carpeted, so it's not like I dropped her onto concrete, but I still let out a gasp of one-hundred-percent absolute horror. I scooped up my sobbing sister and hurriedly put her back in her crib, feeling like I was going to throw up and hyperventilate at the same time.

I checked her head. There was a pink mark, but no blood or skull chips. I watched her for several minutes, stomach acids boiling. She stopped crying and went back to sleep.

As soon as my mom came home, I said, "I'll be in my room!" and ran upstairs. I didn't want her to see me trembling. I closed my bedroom door and sat on my bed, an open comic book in front of me, waiting for the inevitable shout of "
Oh my God!
What did you do to your sister?
"

It never came.

My dad got home from work, and my mom called me down to dinner. We had a nice meal of Hamburger Helper, and my mom didn't say a single word about me potentially ruining my sister. Maybe Laurie was okay.

While Mom and Dad did the dishes, I walked over to the crib and peered over the side at her. The pink mark was gone. Laurie looked at me and giggled.

I had an awful dream that night. Laurie, who had the body of a nine-year-old but kept her infant head, stood in front of the blackboard at school. She was trying to do a simple arithmetic problem. There was a huge chunk missing from her skull, and I could see her brain writhing around inside. It crawled out, sliced itself in half on a jagged piece of bone, and splattered onto the floor.

I had the same dream every night that week. Although the arithmetic problem changed each time.

* * *

I knew I should tell my parents what I'd done so they could take Laurie to the doctor, but I couldn't bring myself to confess. This wasn't like having a messy room or sneaking some red licorice from my dad's private stash - if I had really hurt my sister, they might send me away. Even though I was scared for her, she seemed fine. Mom and Dad would know if something was wrong with her, right?

Of course they would. Parents knew when something was wrong with their kids. They could sense it.

Laurie was fine.

* * *

I pretty much stopped worrying about it until Laurie's first birthday. It was an outdoor party. She was crawling around on the grass in our backyard, while about a dozen of my relatives chatted and drank. I'd been allowed to invite one friend to the party, so I'd invited Howie Taylor because he had the best comic books.

"You know who's boring?" he asked.

"Who?"

"Your baby sister."

We giggled at this clever, insightful observation.

"You know who else is boring?" he asked.

"Who?"

"Your baby sister."

We giggled some more. Howie was a witty guy, although I still only liked him for his comic books.

Laurie cooed and picked up an earthworm. It was a small one, just over an inch long, and it wrapped itself around her index finger. She smiled, then popped it into her mouth and chewed happily.

Howie burst into hysterical laughter. "Did you see that? Did you see her eat the worm?"

I couldn't even nod. Laurie's birthday cake felt like a chocolate-flavored rock in my stomach. Were babies supposed to eat worms? Was that normal? I had no idea. She was only one year old, so it was entirely possible that her sucking down a raw earthworm was nothing to be concerned about . . . but what if it
wasn't
normal? What if she was brain damaged?

"What's going on?" my mom asked, walking over to join us.

I tried to respond, but my mouth went completely dry. What was I supposed to say?
"Sorry, Mom, I think that my disobedience six months ago has transformed my sister into a worm-chomping freak?"

"Laurie scarfed a worm!" Howie gleefully announced.

"Oh, yuck." My mom crouched down and poked her finger into Laurie's mouth. She dug out an uneaten piece of worm and flicked it onto the grass, then wiped some drool off Laurie's lips.

"She's going to poop worms tonight," said Howie.

"Behave yourself," my mom warned. She'd never much liked Howie.

"I don't think she ate it on purpose," I said. Yeah, it was a dumb thing to say, but I was scared and sweating and not thinking straight.

Mom scooped Laurie into her arms and stood up. She didn't
seem
too distraught about what my sister had done. Maybe it was just a normal thing for a baby to do. Maybe I'd eaten a bug or two at that age. They probably tasted good, and we simply had that activity socialized out of us.

My mom sat back down with a couple of my aunts. The party atmosphere hadn't been disrupted. Clearly, my sister was not insane.

That evening, while Mom and Dad watched television, I snuck down into the basement to retrieve a dead roach. I'd noticed it laying on a cardboard box a couple of days ago but saw no reason to move it until now. I brought it upstairs and placed it in Laurie's crib, right in front of her.

Would she dine?

Laurie poked at the insect, laughed, and returned to playing with her Sesame Street Grover doll.

She didn't try to eat it. That was good.

What if she just wasn't hungry?

What if she only craved
live
bugs?

I picked up the roach and placed it on Grover's stomach, to give her another chance. Laurie ignored it. Though I wanted to do further study, I also didn't want my parents to see me messing with dead roaches around my baby sister, so I pocketed the bug and watched Laurie play.

She looked normal.

She
was
normal. So what if she ate a worm? I was just being paranoid about the whole thing. If all she ever did was sit in the corner of her crib and drool, then we'd have something to be concerned about.

I'd made a mistake, but no harm had come from it, and it was way past time to forget the whole matter.

* * *

Okay, it was way past time to forget the whole matter . . . after I consulted with an expert.

"Hey, Jacob, how's it going?" I asked, walking over to Jacob Terremy during afternoon recess. He looked at me suspiciously. We were both in the third grade, but he was in Mrs. Hansen's class while I was with Mrs. Raver, and we didn't interact very often. He got beat up a lot.

"Okay."

"Your dad's a shrink, right?"

"Yeah."

"If you drop a baby on its head, you can mess it up, right?"

"Well, duh. Yeah."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"You mean if you turned it into a retard?"

I shook my head. "I just mean messed up. Doing weird things like eating bugs and stuff."

"Retards eat bugs."

"Really?"

"Yeah. It's cool."

"Can the mom and dad always tell?"

"Nah. Some parents are even worse retards."

"No, I'm being serious. If the mom and dad are normal, can they always tell if the baby is retarded?"

"Naw. They have no idea."

"Oh."

"So when did you get dropped on your head, retard?" Jacob asked this with a grin, although his grin quickly disappeared, as he seemed to realize that this was a good way to get beat up.

I thanked him and walked off. I usually favored the swing set for recess, but there were already a couple of people counting. If the three swings were occupied, you'd stand in front of the swing of your choice and count out loud until the current swinger had gone back-and-forth twenty times, at which point he or she was required to vacate the ride. In my current mood, if somebody started counting on me, I'd probably try to kick them in the face. Instead, I walked to the far corner of the fenced-in playground and stood alone, thinking.

Confess.

No.

It's not fair to Laurie to let this go on.

It's not fair to me to tell what I did. It was an accident. I didn't mean to drop her. Why did she need to squirm so much? I wasn't hurting her.

They can get her help.

Yeah, and I'll go to jail.

You won't go to jail. What kind of stupid idea is that? You really think Mom and Dad would send you to jail? It's not even a crime.

It's not?

Well, I'm not sure. If you did it on purpose it would be.

What if they think I did it on purpose?

They'd never think that. C'mon, get real.

They might.

In what universe?

I dunno.

Stop being so dumb. Tell them. They can help Laurie. Take her to a good doctor.

They'll be mad.

They'll be grateful.

No.

I couldn't do it. What I'd done was too bad to confess. Especially six months later. This wasn't like tracking mud in the house and blaming the dog, where the punishment of getting caught faded with time. I had to keep the secret. They'd never know it was me.

* * *

I tried the dead roach trick again, and Laurie ignored it. Then, after a very long search, I dug up another earthworm-a much longer one-and dangled it in front of her. She batted at it but didn't try to eat it.

Batting at it was normal. If somebody dangled an earthworm in front of me, I'd probably bat at it, too. Flicking it with your fingers would also be acceptable.

I held it closer to her mouth. She didn't take the bait.

"Open wide, Laurie," I said, trying to use the same vocal inflection that Mom did when she was encouraging my sister to eat something good for her. "I've got a yummy yummy worm for you. Mmmmmmm . . . good! It's squirmy and tasty!"