Dead Man's Cell Phone (3 page)

OTHER WOMAN

He said that?

 

JEAN

Yes.

 

OTHER WOMAN

Oh, Gordon.

Aren't you going to get that?

 

JEAN

Yes.

Hello?

My name is Jean.
Yes, of course.
How do I get there?

(To the Other Woman, whispering)
Sorry.

All right, I'll see you then.

Good-bye.

OTHER WOMAN

Who was it?

 

JEAN

His mother.

 

OTHER WOMAN

Oh, God.

Mrs. Gottlieb?

Let me touch up your lipstick before you go.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I don't know why I didn't see you at the funeral.

 

JEAN

I was in the back.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Would you say that you tend to blend in with a crowd?

 

JEAN

I don't know—

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

You might wear brighter clothing. Or a little mascara.

JEAN

It was a funeral, so I wore black.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Fine, fine. That's beside the point.

Gordon left his telephone to you?

 

JEAN

Yes—he left it to me.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Why?

 

JEAN

He wanted me to have it.

Why did you call him on the phone—
after
the funeral?

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I call him every day.

I keep forgetting that he's dead.

I do a little errand, take out my purse, and call Gordon while I'm stopped in traffic.

It's habit.

 

JEAN

I'm very sorry. It must be awful to lose a child.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

It is. When someone older than you dies it gets better every day

but when someone younger than you dies it gets worse every day.

Like grieving in reverse.

JEAN

I'm so sorry.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I see it as my job to mourn him until the day I die.

 

JEAN

Oh—yes . . .

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Please, sit down.

So.

 

JEAN

So.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Does anyone continue to call Gordon?

 

JEAN

Yes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Who?

 

JEAN

Some business acquaintances who don't know that he's dead.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

And do you tell them he's—?
(She thinks the word dead)

JEAN

Yes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I can't bring myself to tell anyone.

 

JEAN

I understand.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

It's so painful, you have no idea.

 

JEAN MRS. GOTTLIEB

No, I don't. What it's like to lose a child.

 

JEAN

No.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

You don't have children?

 

JEAN

No.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Why not?

 

JEAN

I might have them, one day.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

You're getting older. How old are you?

JEAN

Almost forty.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Married?

 

JEAN

No.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

How do you expect to have children then?

 

JEAN

I don't know. I could—

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

When you're thirty-nine your eggs are actually forty, you know.

 

JEAN

I could adopt.

 

MRS. GOTTLIB

It's better to have your own. They resemble—it's the little ticks—the family eyebrow—Gordon's eyebrow—

JEAN

I'm sorry.

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Gordon—and I—had a falling out—you know—after that, he never returned my phone calls—

 

JEAN

He called you the day he died.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

What? How do you know?

 

JEAN

Your number was on the out-going calls.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

It was?

 

JEAN

Yes. It said: Mom.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Let me see.

 

JEAN

I deleted it by mistake.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Gordon called me.

 

JEAN

Yes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

He wanted to speak with me.

JEAN

Yes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

How did you know Gordon, anyway?

 

JEAN

We worked together.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Really.

 

JEAN

Yes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

No wonder you don't have children.

 

JEAN

What do you mean?

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Gordon's line of work was—toxic.

 

JEAN

It could be.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Did you do the out-going or the in-coming business?

 

JEAN

In-coming.

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Oh—I see.

Why don't you stay for dinner. Gordon's brother will be here. And Gordon's wife—you know—his widow.

 

JEAN

Oh, I wouldn't want to intrude. You must need family time now.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

You knew my son. I insist that you stay.

 

JEAN

If it would help.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Yes, I think it would. You're very comforting, I don't know why.

You're like a very small casserole—

has anyone ever told you that?

 

JEAN

No.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Are you religious?

 

JEAN

A little.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I see. We're not religious. Our name means God-loving in German but we're not German anymore. Hermia chose a Catholic Mass for Gordon because she likes to kneel and get up. I did not raise
my children with any religion. Perhaps I should have. Certain brands of guilt can be inculcated in a secular way but other brands of guilt can only be obtained with reference to the metaphysical. Gordon did not experience enough guilt. Dinner will be served at seven. Do you eat meat?

 

JEAN

Um—kind of.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Good. We'll be having large quantities of meat. I'm a little anemic, you know. I eat a large steak every day and it just goes right through me.

 

JEAN

Oh, I'm sorry.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

So—seven o'clock.

 

JEAN

Seven o'clock. Great. I'm just going to run out for a moment—I have an errand—

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Very good, Jean. We'll see you at seven.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Place cards, there are place cards!

HERMIA

Gordon used to sit—there.

DWIGHT

That's right, he did.

 

JEAN

Oh, I'll move—

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

No, no, time to move on, no time like the present.

JEAN

Excuse me, I'm sorry. I have the hiccups.

MRS. GOTTLIEB

There's water through there, dear.

 

JEAN

Thanks.

HERMIA

What a strange duck.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Yes, but she knew Gordon. Try to be welcoming, Hermia.

 

DWIGHT

How'd she know Gordon?

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Work.

DWIGHT

Out-going?

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

In-coming. Or so she says.

JEAN

Oh! Excuse me. My hiccups are so loud.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Yes, they are, aren't they? Remarkably loud hiccups for such a small woman.

 

DWIGHT

Mother. Come with me, Jean. I'll show you my secret. It's drinking a glass of bourbon upside down.

 

JEAN

Okay.
(Hiccup)
Thank you.

HERMIA

Dwight likes her.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I thought he might.

HERMIA

Are you sad?

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Yes, are you?

HERMIA

Yes. So sad that it's—awful. Now I know why they call it awful sad.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I'm glad we can share this, Hermia. We loved him most of all.

 

HERMIA

I hope that—the two of us—can continue to—mourn together—Mrs. Gottlieb. I feel so all alone sometimes.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

Call me Harriet.

 

HERMIA

Harriet.

 

MRS. GOTTLIEB

I never could get used to Gordon having a wife but now that he's dead you're going to be a very great comfort to me, Hermia.

DWIGHT

That's better.

 

JEAN

Dwight got rid of my hiccups!

MRS. GOTTLIEB

You're amazing, Dwight. You have so many hidden talents. Always have. Remember when Dwight was little and he could grow stiff as a board and his friends pretended he was a plank or a dead insect and they would carry him around the living room at my lunch parties and how we all would laugh! Oh. I guess there's no one here to remember that.

Well. Let's eat. Rib-eye steak. Do you like rib-eye, Jean? Nothing better in the world, I tell you. Ribbons of flesh, ribbons of fat, all in one bite. Dwight, why don't you carve.