Dead Romantic (30 page)

‘Can't you just chuck him in a swimming pool and sling a toaster in after him?' suggested Damian, slurping a curl of bacon fat over his bean-smeared lips.

Zoe looked at him. ‘Do you want to be the test subject
then? No, the bath has to be sterilised, an insulated tank capable of withstanding a powerful surge of electricity, ideally transparent as well.'

‘Fish tank,' said Louis.

‘What?'

‘A fish tank. You can get some that are capable of withstanding really powerful electrical surges. For electric eels and barbs.'

‘How the hell we going to get him in a fish tank?' laughed Damian. ‘You'd have to chop him up again and I ain't doin' that! Geezer's been through enough.'

‘We could get a big one, like the one they've got at Fat Pang's in town.'

‘Perfect!' said Zoe. ‘Would it be easy to remove?'

‘Oh you can't remove it,' said Louis. ‘It's full of fish. I just meant you need something
like
the one at Fat Pang's, not actually that one.'

‘It's Saturday today,' said Damian. ‘Most of' em will be eaten at the All You Can Eat Buffet tonight. It'll be near empty so if we go in after hours, we just take out what's left and El Dunno. Sweet as a nut.'

‘But how?' I said. ‘Even if we do manage to get it out of the restaurant, how are we going to get it back to the college? We can't use my mum's nail art van, the tank's way too big. And also, we're kinda using the battery out of it too.'

It was like a light bulb had exploded above Damian's head. ‘We'll get one of the Stiffmobiles from your place, Lou, yeah? Be long enough, wouldn't it?'

‘We can't steal a massive fish tank from a Chinese
restaurant!' Louis cried, lowering his voice in case the waitress heard. ‘Oh, you're joking.'

Zoe's face was glowing. Damian was wired, bouncing around on his chair like he was ready for action. ‘Let's do it,' she said, and Damian smiled at her, for all the world like a boy who wasn't a total slut bag but was actually quite liking a girl for once. If it had been any other boy, I'd have thought he had just fallen madly in love. But it was Damian after all.

After we'd finished, we left a tip for the waitress and walked in the sheeting rain to Brite Street and the front window of Fat Pang's Chinese Fish Restaurant. It was closed until midday but we could all see the large glowing blue fish tank at the back of the room.

‘There it is,' Damian pointed through the glass. ‘There's our baby.'

‘It's gonna be so tricky. I don't think we can do it,' said Louis. ‘I don't want any of the fish to die either.'

‘It's a bit late to be concerned about them, Lou,' Damian laughed. ‘Most of' em will be in a pancake or a curry by closing time anyway.'

‘I don't care. I can't kill fish,' he said.

I touched his arm. ‘We can find some bowls to put them in. They'll be okay. That's all right, isn't it?' I asked Zoe.

‘Definitely,' she said, more geared up than ever. I could have sworn that she and Damian exchanged a little smile too, but it could have been my eyes playing tricks on me.

‘But how exactly will we remove it?' said Zoe. ‘It must weigh a ton. It'll be too heavy for us to carry, won't it?'

Louis slapped Damian on the back. ‘Not for someone who can bench press 200 pounds it's not, eh?'

All four of us took one last look in the window and turned to make our way back to college. We passed the television shop on the way. Sky News. I read the headline.
Missing model found safe in Paris.
I felt relief. I felt bad for ever doubting Zoe. And I felt Louis' hand as it took mine and held it tightly.

 

 

 

 

^‘
P
ee Wee, anyone comes in, you bark at them, okay? Guard Sexy Dead Boy. And don't eat him,' I said and put the last of the rotten fingers down before him to keep him busy while I tied the end of his lead to the handle of the teacher's desk. Then we locked the lab doors and started the walk back into town in the dark.

We waited inside a hearse outside the funeral parlour, watching Fat Pang's across the street. We were all squished in the front seats, each wearing a Halloween mask that we had stolen from the Art department at college. We did our best not to look like four teenagers in a stolen hearse wearing stolen Halloween masks, but that's exactly what we were. We were a gang. A really weird gang, but still a gang.
When it had been me, Lynx and Poppy I'd always felt like the outsider. But here, I felt important. I was Zoe's best friend (whether she liked it or not). I was Damian's ‘one who got away'. And I was Louis' own proper girlfriend. The gang didn't work without me and I liked sitting in the dark with them.

‘Are you sure this is necessary?' Zoe complained, rubbing where the elastic cut into her ear. Her mask was a witch's face.

‘Yeah,' said Damian, lifting up his black cat mask. ‘I told you there's CCTV inside. I checked it out before.'

‘Won't you get in trouble, Louis?' I said. ‘People will know it's your hearse.' My mask was a pumpkin.

‘No,' he said. ‘Any passer by will just think the hearse is parked out front for the night. We leave them out for cleaning sometimes.' He was a pumpkin too.

All our voices were muffled and hollow-sounding behind the masks and my face was getting sweaty. I lifted mine up and saw a group of people coming out of the restaurant. They crossed the road towards us and waited at the bus stop. They lit cigarettes and chatted beneath the orange street light. They didn't see us. Another group came out just after them, all laughing and happy and full of spare ribs and fried rice, some carrying doggy bags and gift bags. There were two people at the back of the crowd I recognised, but before I could say a word, Louis and Damian both said what I was thinking.

‘It's Splodge!'

‘And Poppy!' I said, seeing the red-headed girl with her arm linking his. Her hair looked bouncy and clean and she
looked like she'd put on some weight too. He had his arm around her and they looked really happy. It was so good to see her, but even if I could have done I wouldn't have thought of going over to say hi. I got the feeling I would be the one left feeling stupid if I told her how worried I'd been about her. It looked like she didn't have a care in the world.

‘Splodge!' Louis said again, and made to get out of the hearse, before Damian reached across me and Zoe and pulled him back inside.

‘What are you doing, you idiot? They'll see us!' He slammed the door shut.

‘I want to know where he's been this last week,' said Louis.

‘We can't be seen by anyone, Lou. Even them. Everyone's gonna know about this by tomorrow morning and I can't take the risk of anyone seeing me, not with my record,' said Damian.

‘What a . . . dick,' spat Louis.

‘Hold up, there's no need for that.'

‘Not you. Splodge,' Louis sighed. ‘He disappears for days, not a word to either of us, his two oldest mates, and then he just . . . comes back, like nothing's happened.' We watched them walk along the road. A fat woman who looked just like Splodge, but in a dress, was giving Poppy a thoroughly disapproving look as she kissed Splodge full on the lips. The woman was holding a big gold gift bag and a man who I assumed was Splodge's dad was holding a large blue-and-red balloon with HAPPY ANNIVERSARY spelled out in gold letters. He was giving them a filthy look as well.

‘Doesn't look like his parents approve of the union much,' said Zoe.

‘He's totally dropped us, Dame,' Louis mumbled.

‘Probably couldn't carry the weight of that ego anymore,' Zoe muttered, nodding to Damian. I smiled.

‘What?' said Damian. ‘Oh who gives a toss about him anyway. He's moved on. Let him rot, we got bigger fish to fry, right?'

‘Right,' said Zoe. I looked at her. Zoe and Damian in agreement again. Wow. Just, wow.

Louis still looked so wounded from seeing Splodge. I knew exactly how he felt. It was exactly how I'd felt seeing Lynx that day in Marks & Spencer, and how I felt now, seeing Poppy with Splodge's family. But I'd had more time to get used to the idea of losing them – to him it was still really raw.

‘Poppy didn't tell me she was back either,' I said to him. ‘And I've texted her loads of times.'

‘She's got a new phone, ain't she?' said Damian. ‘His dad got her a deal on it. He's bought himself one of them with the fold-out screens and direct line to NASA and all that.'

I remembered her showing it to me on the Pier the night of the smooshed nose. ‘So she wasn't ignoring me,' I said. ‘She must have changed her number and just . . . hasn't given me the new one.'

‘Look, forget them, both of them,' said Damian. ‘Let's stick to the plan, all right?'

We waited ages, at least another half an hour. I didn't mind the wait so much, but Zoe and Damian did. I softly
pinched Louis' earlobe. I could do that now. It wasn't like being at a checkout and wanting to do it to a stranger who had cute earlobes and who would think I was odd for suddenly fiddling with them. I could fiddle with Louis' earlobes as much as I wanted. He liked it. His neck went all goosepimply and he smiled like a puppy having his ears tickled. I was glad that made him happy. A movement through the windscreen caught my eye. ‘Someone's coming out.'

We watched as the waitresses left the restaurant. A light went off behind the bar inside. All four of us had tipped up our masks to get a better look. We watched as a figure moved towards the window and closed the slatted blinds. A man in a grey suit then another man in black stepped down from the doorstep and the first man put his key in the door to lock it. ‘Is that Fat Pang?'

‘Nah, that's just his sons,' said Damian. ‘Fat Pang's about ninety stone and housebound. Might even be chop suey by now, I dunno.'

‘They look like scary guys, like they do martial arts and stuff,' said Louis.

‘I done a bit of ju-jitsu and aikido and all that in me time. Piece of piss. You just gotta front it out, blud. “The stance maketh the man,” as my sensei once said.'

Louis scoffed. ‘You did half an hour of karate in summer school when we were eleven and you didn't like it cos you had to take your Nikes off.'

‘Whatevs. Anyway, here's the plan,' said Damian as we looked at him. ‘Loser, you drive the stiff wagon round the back into Poe Street. I know the gate code . . . '

‘How do you know the gate code?' asked Zoe.

‘Does it matter? Point is, I do. It's 22468410. This disables the kitchen alarm too. Reverse in and wait for me to jimmy open the back door to the kitchens. Grab whatever container you can find, like them big buckets the fryer oil comes in, they'll be good. See if there's a few of them around. Then take them through to the dining room and start chucking in the fish. We got to get that water and them fish out of that tank as fast as we can. I reckon about twenty minutos should just about do it but if we can do it in fifteen, sweet. But we'll have to shimmy.'

‘Have you done this before?' I asked him.

‘Course,' said Damian. ‘You don't think I'd lead an expedition without knowing my way round the mountain, do ya?'

Louis threw me a little look and I grinned at him. Zoe looked like it was all just a big fat boring waste of her time.

‘All right, you animals,' said Damian, lowering his mask. ‘Let's go hunting.'

 

 

 

 

T
he minute we got inside, we decided to ditch the masks to the backs of our heads – we just couldn't see anything properly. Damian found a way of switching the cameras off in the restaurant so it wasn't really necessary from then on.

It was bright inside Fat Pang's, thanks to the neon glow of the enormalous fish tank at the kitchen end of the dining room. I'd never been in there before but I'd seen it from the outside and it looked just magical. The floor was covered with an endless gold-and-red carpet and on the giant tables were gold tablecloths, cutlery and napkins and emerald encrusted chopsticks and little gold cat figurines with waving paws. Big green and blue dragons hung on
every wall and there was a gorgeous smell of sticky fried pork and noodles.